Wow, I've been busier than a Russian hacker and the World Anti-Doping Agency recently, let's hope we're going to be back to weekly updates soon :)
Stop Clowning Around
The craze of the killer clowns. Oooh, scary.
Grown adults wandering round with knives and baseball bats scaring kids.
Except this "craze" almost certainly didn't happen.
A school in Morecambe sent a text message to parents after ONE child claimed he was chased down the street by a clown around 4PM.
Right, let's get this straight, absolutely no-one else saw this happen? No witnesses to a child being pursued down the street at a time when everyone's on their way home?
Childline claims there were 120 calls in a week from children who claim to have been scared by clowns.
120 kids, in separate incidents or a mass "Clown Off"?
I call bullshit.
The only people who are claiming to see these clowns en-masse are children. And we all know that children don't talk out their arses 99% of the time, no?
That's not to say there hasn't been any incidents, because there has. One guy was confronted by a clown and chased him off.
But what about the people who were driving down the street and spotted a clown who "attacked" their car? Yeah, of course. You just so happened to be recording yourself driving down the road at night when this happened. Sounds legit.
What a load of old balls.
Some clowns terrorizing the neighbourhood
Ain't nothing goin' on but the line rental
BT reacts to Vodafone's dropping of line rental
Should turn this into a feature really, there's that much material.
So, according to the Daily Mail these ladies are, from Left to Right:
Jane Seymour, Jane Fonda, Raquel Welch, Jane Fonda and Bo Derek.
They're at the same Ball so not only has Jane Fonda managed to change dresses she's also got 2 years younger.
Great work there, Daily Fail!
For those who can't work it out, number 4 is Bo Derek and number 5 is Melanie Griffiths.
Getting more pissed off with radio adverts than TV ones these days. The latest is that fucing awful Vauxhall advert that goes:
Woman 1: Jump in, Lou!
Woman 2: Nice ride Becky! Loving the new Vauxhall. Good price?
Becky: It was actually Lou, I got £500 off just for test driving it.
Lou: That explains the tiarra!
Becky: Bit of bling! I just jumped in and got more
Lou: I can see that Becks, I can see that!
Grrr! I hate it. It couldn't sound more like an advert if it tried.
Nobody uses each others names in a conversation like that either. The first exchange maybe, but not after that, it just doesn't happen.
I've heard it that many times I'm actually convinced now that Vauxhall are that stingy that they've only employed the one voice over artist and she's playing the parts of Becky and Lou (who can both fuck right off) and therefore has to use names so we don't think she's a fucking schizo.
Fucking fuck off with this advert, you hoofwanking jizzsocks.
There's a new rant about charity dumbing down.
So Brad and Angelina are divorcing, blaming it on irreconcilable differences.
I think it's a bit tight to blame it on the kids to be honest!
Irreconcilable Differences was terribly upset that Mummy and Daddy were blaming their break up on him
Two articles (not really rants as such) this time:
Eat Well for Less
And Bring back Tomorrow’s World
Until next time...
Roald Dahl Day
Not content with having "World Book Day" which seems to be on different days in different countries (so should be called local book day), there's now a new one.
Roald Dahl Day. So, in true fashion, Facebook is full of people's kids dressed up as Roald Dahl characters.
Naturally, I was more than happy to send my kid to school dressed as such.
So here's my boy, Leroy dressed as his favourite character - The Giant Peach from James and the Giant Peach.
Nice one, Leroy.
The Great British Fuck Off
People are getting upset about a TV show moving channels.
Zero hours, zero credibility.
I was pleased lately to see companies like Sports Direct being taken to task and actually having to reform their working practices and the way they treat staff.
Zero hour contracts to me are just a way for companies to take people on without giving them employee rights and privileges.
The latest company to be in the spotlight is courier firm, Hermes.
They are accused of paying less than the National Living Wage by paying their couriers per delivery and therefore pretty much making them self employed.
This means they don't get holidays, employee rights or perks.
Naturally, they have denied this but the courier firms have been the subject of Panorama shows quite recently. It is clear why some delivery drivers leave parcels etc in stupid places as they don't get paid until the parcel is delivered, which could be days if the recipient is not in.
However, I think with Yodel they're just trained to be a bunch of lying, sneaky bastards.
The sooner all these firms are cleaned up the better, people should be employed on clear contracts, they're working for you, you should be paying them properly including pensions.
The BBC already has a replacement for GBBO lined up
Naughty old climate change
The Black Lives Matter campaign became a parody of itself this week when it blockaded London City Airport claiming that climate change was a racist crisis.
In other words, climate change is racist.
This is an organisation with such a serious chip on its shoulder that it doesn't know what it's doing or saying anymore.
Of course, there's not many people who don't agree that black lives matter, with the exception of the people of Alabama maybe. We all know black lives matter, and quite frankly, as I've said before, ALL lives matter not one particular race, creed or colour.
It seems black lives don't seem to matter in the US when gangbangers are shooting each other, that appears to be overlooked.
But are they REALLY saying that climate change only affects black people?
The country gets stupider by the day, which leads me on to this...
A man called the Police when he was served the wrong type of tea in a London cafe.
Yes, you read that correctly.
The story goes that dickhead orders a lemongrass and ginger tea. Cafe doesn't have that particular drink available that day but does have lemon and ginger, a suitable substitute to any normal person.
However, when he finds out he makes a scene and starts writing a TripAdvisor review using the free WiFi.
At which point he's quite rightly told to fuck off, continue fucking off and then when he's fucked off so far to then fuck off some more.
In my words.
At which point, he rings the Police to complain.
At least he didn't ring 999, the steaming bell end.
The article claims the man in question has found himself at the "centre of a fierce Twitter backlash", however, it appears the "backlash" is just a few people calling him a cockwomble.
Who the fuck kicks off over a tea bag in a cafe? Yes, the cafe should have told him it was a substitute and given him the chance to order something even more pretentious but that's hardly the end of the world is it?
What makes this story worse is that he proudly told the newspaper that he was a "Senior contributor to TripAdvisor", like that means anything at all.
Senior Contributor just means you've had loads of reviews published, you cretin. Do you really think that holds any credibility in life?
I can just see it now, Theresa May decides to have a cabinet shuffle. Gets rid of some prostitute shagging, money grabbing, lying shithouse (yes, take your pick really) and requires a new Home Secretary, for example. Does she go with someone who is highly educated and might know a thing or two about the job?
No, does she hell! She goes for Cunty Bollock Chops here because he's a Senior Contributor to TripAdvisor!
He's written more cunty reviews about not having enough pepper on his dinner or there being 2 grains of salt too many in his Lobster Roulade, the absolute weapon.
People really are fucking stupid.
How do you solve a problem like (North) Korea?
Following North Korea's latest nuclear test the UN is considering sanctions against the country.
This is the 2nd test this year, despite the country being banned from any nuclear activity.
Considering sanctions though? What sanctions could the UN possibly apply that will make any difference to the mad bastard running the country?
(That's Kim Jong-Un, not Theresa May)
The UN can place sanctions against some countries and it will make a difference. Trade and so forth.
Even a threat of war.
But North Korea is very much an untouchable country because there are so many sanctions in place already and coupled with the fact the country is as closed as BHS, there is nothing else that can be imposed for Mad Kim to suddenly say, "Oh shit! Me so sowee, won't do it again! We want you to rike us!"
You simply cannot deal with people like that.
The country is as secret as Keith Vaz's love life (maybe a bit more secret these days), there is absolutely nothing that can be done.
North Korea is a bit like that kid at school who got away with everything. He was always threatened with being expelled, but as the school was soft it never actually did it. The kid got told off every day, was put on report, parents were brought in, everything. Yet he still was there, every day, until the end.
And you can't threaten Kim with war, because he doesn't give a shit. He'll just pless, sorry, press that button and boom, the whole world goes to shit.
You can talk all you like about sanctions but the only way to sort it out is to take out KJU and try to enter into a dialogue with this successor, if he isn't madder than a box of frogs.
An rant about bin collections.
Labour leader and prize plonker, Jeremy Corbyn has reacted angrily to Virgin owner Richard Branson after a publicity stunt went badly wrong.
Jeremy made a big fuss about being sat on the floor during the journey, alleging he was unable to find a seat on a packed train.
However, Virgin responded with CCTV evidence that old Corbo was "talking out of his arse".
Corbyn then retaliated by saying he hoped Sir Richard was well aware of his plans to nationalise the railways.
Now, dear Jeremy, we all have plans.
Like the way I'm planning to make sweet love to Rachel Riley, Susanna Reid and Liz Hurley all in one night.
You see, there's plans and there's plans.
You need to be in power, which is about as likely as me boning any of the above stunning bits o' kit let alone all 3 in what would be described as "an amazing night".
(That's their words, not mine)
You're making yourself look like a right cock, Jez, me old chum.
There was no need to do the train stunt, you could have had a seat and still moaned about the trains.
We all know the trains in this country are a bag of shite, lord knows I commuted to Manchester on the train for 2 years until I could do no more. You don't need to tell me about not getting a seat.
Instead of taking pictures of yourself sat on the floor like a twat, you should have been doing what the rest of us do on the trains, take pictures of weirdos.
And upskirt shots.
You'll never make it, lad.
Over in Facebook Fuckwitt Corner, there are 2 idiots.
The Jeremy Corbyn lover
When did we become so soft?