For the second time this year I've had to start a Toast Update with some sad news.
An ex-colleague, friend and Monkey on Toast contributor, Paul has sadly passed away.
I recruited Paul back in 2003 when Monkey on Toast was at its peak. He warmed to the site instantly and wrote several articles, one particuar sticks in my mind as being called "The parlous state of our roads".
Paul was a ranter of the highest order and was particularly pleased when the site returned.
RIP Big Man.
The new YMCA dance needed a bit of work
Dig it up, pay it out
I was pleased to hear that councils now have the power to fine construction companies for digging up roads and leaving them to cause unnecessary traffic jams.
This has been a long bug bear for me, companies are quick to dig roads up but it seems to take them ages to put things back to normal.
What really grips my shit are the roadworks that involve traffic lights when they were not needed in the first place. Sure, I understand there's health and safety to consider when the workers are working, drinking tea or reading The Sun, but why can't they just spend a few extra minutes at night to make sure the lights aren't a necessity? How much longer would it take to put things back to normal for the evening or worse, the weekend? Thirty minutes to an hour?
John was delighted at his AIDS test result
"ITV to switch off its seven channels for an hour for Olympics event", says the BBC.
Won't make much difference to me, ITV is pretty much off all the time for me as it's full of shite.
Seven channels ITV has! Seven.
ITV - Some good stuff occasionally, but most of the time it's BGT or X-Factor. No thank you.
ITV2 - Repeated shite I never ever want to watch.
ITV Back to the Future - Constant repeats of the BTTF trilogy.
ITV Men in Black - As above but for the Men in Black movies.
ITV Be - I don't know what's on it, but it sounds wank.
ITV Encore - Probably more repeats.
ITV HD - HD versions of shite.
What's happened to ITV over the years? It used to be good, it used to be a good rival to the BBC but now it's driven purely by phone-ins to make money.
Democracy is dead
There's a new rant about Democracy. Check it out.
Darren's impression of Robert Smith wasn't perfect yet
Are a bit naughty.
Are people really this dumb?
So last week, Ellen DeGeneres tweeted this Tweet below:
Pretty funny to be honest but of course some absolute whoppers found a reason to be offended by it:
"You thought it'd be funny to post a pic of yourself riding on the back of a Black man? Nope. Delete this racist garbage."
"So riding on his back like a mule, a horse as some form of property is fun to you..."
What the fuck is wrong with people? This is not racist in any way! The point of the tweet was that she was riding on the world's fastest man, not because he's black and ergo he must be some kind of slave.
Why do people constantly see the negative in everything? Always looking for some reason to call racism.
Are you trying to show the world you're a sensitive soul? "Oh look, I think I'll get props for being offended by this! Everyone will agree with me!"
No they fucking won't, you empty vessel.
Stop being offended at everything all the damn time.
Get over yourself, prick.
Until next time, homies!
Doping is the new PPI.
So it seems Russia has been caught red handed and involved in doping of their athletes.
If that wasn’t bad enough, it seems it was state sponsored. In other words, the Government paid for their athletes to cheat.
This means that not only are the track and field athletes banned from the current Rio Olympics but Russia as a whole were lucky not to be banned from the event.
It could also mean that Russia could be forced to give back any of the medals for the events in which they were found to be doping.
And that sets a precedent for other athletes and sportspeople to claim medals or prizes they would have been entitled to.
Imagine all the new adverts on TV and radio!
“Did your pub darts team come 2nd in the local championship but were beaten by a bunch of cheating Alberts? YOU could be able to claim compensation!”
While I don’t condone drugs cheats in sports we can’t keep reviewing old events.
Why does it take years for drug tests to come back? Why isn’t it instant? Why did it take so long for forensic experts to find that the bottles had been tampered with?
If we really want to stamp out cheating in sport then we need to find a way forward that doesn’t involve taking blood and urine samples and sending them away for weeks on end to the same labs that belong to the cheating swines.
It seems Kim Jong Un loves Pokemon Go
And there's a bit of noncery going on with the game.
Here's a new about mobiles phones and in particular whilst at traffic lights.
Seems this new game is all the rage now, with people wandering around with their phones looking for Pokemon characters in their street.
I saw a Pokemon in the street once, right after I'd had an acid tab.
Here's a rare one I found yesterday
So what next for these "games"? Rumour has it the Police are going to start using it in their fight against crime.
They're going to wander around looking at their phones to see where the nasty crims are and then go in the opposite direction, looking for someone who called someone on Twitter a "twat" or something.
There's going to be loads of copies of this game, can see it now.
So, Monkey on Toast Gaming Enterprises presents a new "Augmented Frielity" game for you!
Get your phone out, and hunt down those Anna Friels.
Not very Nice
It seems that Nice wasn't a terror attack after all.
Worst series of Big Brother, ever!
When I saw this headline on the BBC site:
I actually thought, "Well that won't do her chances of becoming Labour leader much good"
More EU woes
The EU is set to ban black olives.
There's more gullible idiots on Facebook.
Can we just...
Stop killing each other?
Andy Burnham is a tosser
I always thought Andy Burnham was alright, a bit of a gem in a pool of wankers.
But it seems I was wrong, after his announcement on Twitter today:
I have often wondered why the BBC refer to ISIS as "so-called Islamic State", but to campaign for it not to be used is ridiculous.
They are not Islamic or a State, the prized prick says.
Of course they're fucking Islamic, you colossal cockwomble. They're hardly fucking agnostics or atheists are they?
And to say they're not a state?
I beg to differ, they're a right fucking state, if you ask me.
Let's just call them Ken from now on then, eh?
Speaking of ISIS
Word reaches Toast Towers about ISIS relaxing the women driver rule.
This is a genuine screenshot of what MSN news looked like yesterday.
Nigel Farage resign headline along with an advert for Canesten.
What does Nigel Farage and an irritating twat have in common?
I'll just leave this here, m'lud.
Swiper, no swiping!
There's a new rant about online dating.
Polish boy told to “Go home”
James Martin is still pissing me off
Asda are still pushing the “I don’t usually do <day of week>” adverts but now there’s more than ever.
Because Sunday and Thursday are now the same.
And he’s moved on to men.
According to “Richard” he as a trip to The Lakes with his boys this week and needs something to fuel them up Scarfell Pike.
Now, first things first. Why is he taking his lads out of school to drag their whiny arses up Scarfell Pike?
Twice a week.
James’ marvellous “recipe” is to cut a tiger loaf in half, stick some roast chicken and pesto in, stick the lid and let the bread get all moist.
Like his kids will eat that.
Just give the fuckers some Dairylea and save the chicken for yourself.
I really hate this adverts though, really REALLY hate them.
Here's a new rant about the EU Referendum, democracy and the state of the country.
The UK has banned flags.