Ever get those leaflets through your door from estate agents?

"Due to a strong demand in your area we urgently require properties for potential buyers"

Bullshit.  More like, "Due to us struggling like fuck, we're trying to artificially create a market where we'll tell you people want to buy your house and in turn persuade you to buy another house through us as well"

Cynical, moi?

 

E-bay makes you loads of money!

I hate E-bay adverts

 

The Police are a bit shit #592

Did you hear about the guy who was contacted by Police because he liked a post on Twitter?

There's no punchline, it's all true.

Harry the Owl liked and retweeted a limerick about gender and was contacted by a Police Officer from Hull who found his details by contacting the man's workplace.

Which is a bit weird and doxxy.

You can read the full thread here.

It's a truly awful situation given that the Police Officer in question said he'd committed no crime, and despite Harry suggesting he didn't write the tweet the response from the Police was, "Ah, but you liked it and promoted it"

I mean, what the fuck is going on?

Please read the full story here, it's horrendous that the Police can act in this way.

Do the Police in Hull not have anything better to do?

No, I guess not.  It's not like crime has spiked there has it?

It's truly horrific that the Police are out there, abusing their powers trying to get people into trouble for a crime that hasn't been committed.  Telling people to "check their thinking".

It's no wonder people hold the Police in utter contempt, when they claim budgets and staff are being cut, they're not short staffed at all when they have people trawling the internet looking for some hurt feelings.

You there!  It appears you've had too much to THINK!

 

Banking Adverts

Why are banking adverts bad AIDS?

Prince Philip had an accident the other day and of course the haters are out.

I hadn't realised this country had so many insurance claim and law experts until the accident, now it seems everyone has not just an opinion (which everyone is entitled to) but they're so right, you know, like properly right.

Experts, the lot of them.  Even the ones on the dole and the nail bar owners.

Hell, even the "victim" herself is an expert, according to the Daily Mirror.

The paper says that Emma Fairweather (I wonder if she's just a fair weather dri.. [PACK IT IN, ED]) believes Prince Philip should be PROSECUTED if found to be at fault.  What a ridiculous statement, and even more of a ridiculous thing for a shit rag as the Mirror to print.  The police don't prosecute people for being at fault in an accident, unless of course they're drink driving or causing death by dangerous driving.

None of these cases are true.  What a stupid claim to make.

Mind you, when you look at her you can see she's the type, proper gobshite looking.

prince philip crash compofaceI mean, just LOOK at that compo face, "Oooh my poor wrist".  

Emma then goes on to moan about the fact that Philip has got a new car and is already back on the road, like he isn't entitled to do so!

She practically says he shouldn't be driving because it's not like he has to go out for shopping.  Who the fuck is she to decide who can and can't drive.

I bet she's a bastard vegan.

Meanwhile, on Twitter all the tolerant lefties were out in support.  Not of Philip you hear, but those weirdo JC4PM types who think Philip should be "euthanized".

Nice people.

One particular is this woman, Nicola James who tweeted (probably typing really HARD as she was so pissed off):

prince philip nicola james2

prince philip nicola james1

I mean, really!  Both the Queen and Prince Philip driving around without a seat belt on!  What utter contempt!

However, what Nicola doesn't even want to contemplate is that they might have been driving around their own private fucking land, on which you don't HAVE to wear a seatbelt.

Also, there's the matter of it being the damned Queen, she's immune from any civil or criminal proceedings.

Oh and maybe, just maybe they're advised NOT to wear a seat belt just in case there's an attack or something.

I'm pretty sure Lady Diana was advised not to wear a seatbelt.  By Philip.

And to claim Philip was "driving dangerously" could be classed as libel.  Which I hope it is, and Nicola is sent to the Gulags.  The Gulags which the lefties claim were actually OK. (Look it up)

And finally, Nicola, I assume you have NEVER been in a taxi?  Because I have never in my 44 years on this planet EVER seen a taxi driver wearing a seatbelt.

So, if not wearing a seatbelt gets you all bedwetty take yourself off to your local taxi rank - you will literally piss your fucking knickers.

 

Don't be a racist!

Find yourself sometimes (always, Ed) disagreeing with Diane Abbott?  You're probably a racist.

Check yourself on the Diane Abbott Racism Matrix

 

Speaking of racism

There's a new TV show in 'Merica called "That White People Shit" that basically pokes fun at white people and their hobbies etc.

Now, having a show that takes the piss is one thing, deliberately targetting white people isn't.  

If we had a programme called "Look at Black People and Laugh" there'd be so much outrage it's untrue, so how come it's OK the other way round?

#WhitePeoplesShitHobbiesMatter

 

He ain't half cold, Mum

In the sad passing of Windsor Davies, we look at why TV doesn't honour stars anymore.

 

Happy New Year everyone, hope you had a nice Christmas and 2019 brings you everything you want & need.

Christmas being the capitalist time of the year though did annoy me somewhat, imagine companies sending out e-mails on Christmas fucking Day with such delights as:

"Not get what you wanted this year? Try our Boxing Day sale now!"

Have a day off, for fucks sake.

And then we have those offended by the Queen's Speech.  Did I watch it?  No, I was too busy, I'm not interested anyway but minutes after it had finished people couldn't wait to get on social media (when they should be eating Christmas dinner or spending time with their families) to post such drivel as this:

queen gold piano

Where to start?  Again, have a day off from being offended eh?

But let's start....

Billionaire?  The Queen is a billionaire?  Is she fuck!  She's worth just over a quarter of that, which is still an awful lot of selfies (see what I did there?) but let's not let actual facts and figures get in the way of stoking up resentment eh?

Another Twitter mong started banging on about the solid gold piano behind her.

Yeah, it's solid fucking gold, you absolute weapon.  It's wooden like every other piano, with some gold paint on!  What the fuck are you talking about?

And naturally, everyone's banging on about the content of her speech, where she tries to unite Britain and saying we are all in this together. I believe this Brexit related.

But honestly, what is she supposed to say?  I'm no Royalist, far from it, but what the fuck are you talking about people? She's got to be diplomatic, like a politician and say the nice things even if she doesn't mean it.  

And to target her for her wealth, it's a tad unfair no?  I mean, she didn't ask to be born into royalty, she's dedicated her whole life to a job she might hate and not wanted to do.  Like I say, I'm no Royalist and I genuinely think there should be a cull in the number of Royals (I don't mean in a Purge kind of a way, just make it Queen/King and kids) to get rid of the hangers on but to blame the Queen for having money which will have been passed down from generations is a bit much.  It's Christmas, have a break.

New Year, New Rant

Diversity on TV

 

More shit TV to come?

Whilst watching some US TV channel the other day I saw an advert for a new show called "The Masked Singer".

"What the fuck is this?", I asked myself, in utter disbelief.

The premise of the show?  For a panel of arseholes to try and guess the "celebrity" singer who is dressed in a costume that conceals their identity.

Really.

It surely won't be long before it's on TV here.  

Be ready for a panel of tossers like that wet one off a dancing show, that wet one off X-Factor and some trans (he to she one week, she to he the next) try to guess the identity of the likes of David Van Day, Richard Fairbrass and Mark Morrison dressed head to toe like some twat on "It's a Knockout".

Will I be watching?  Not whilst I've still got a hole in my arse.

 

Comedy is a bit deader than it was last week

I saw a trailer for a Russell Howard show over Christmas.  Imagine my surprise when the advert featured him taking the piss out of who?

Donald Trump.

This is an award winning comedian whose act now consists solely in taking the piss out of Trump or Brexit.  Really difficult to do.

Worse than that though, word has reached Toast Towers of a new comedy club deemed as "Safe".

And by safe, what does it mean?  It means the content is politically correct only, has a parity on genders on the booking list (regardless of talent) and get this, you are guaranteed that the "comedian" will not take the piss out of anyone on the front row or anyone in the audience for that matter.

That is not comedy, that's a childrens show. 

If this if your kind of comedy then you're the arsehole who keeps Mrs Brown's Boy on the air.  Twat.

 

And finally...

Apparently yesterday was Fat Cat Friday

Until next time! 

 

Happy birthday to us, happy birthday to us, happy birthday dear Monkey on Toast, happy birthday to us!

Yes, it's our birthday.  Can you tell?

When I say birthday, I actually mean from the day we returned back in 2015.

How times flies eh?  So we're officially 3 now, but depending on how you view matters we're actually 18.  So we can legally get pissed and vote for Corbyn [Shut your hole, Ed].

Ban this sick filth

Phrases such as "Bringing home the bacon" could be banned soon according to an academic so as to avoid offending vegans.

Dr Hamzah of Swansea University believes phrases that involve animals and meat will fizzle out.  Not quite sure how the Mirror has managed to use the word "banned" in the article when the only way it can be banned is with legislation.  So, it looks like Dr Hamza (who appears to be the result of a mating session between a monkey and Mary from Gogglebox) plus animal activists (and all round snowflakes) PETA want phrases to no longer contain any animal or meat references.

What phrases are at stake? (Or is that steak?)

"Bringing home the bacon", "killing 2 birds with 1 stone", "take the bull by the horns" and "fuck me, she's a right swamp donkey".

Instead we're being encouraged to use alternatives that don't even make sense.  For example. instead of saying "Hold your horses" we're to say "Hold the phone".

What?   Bring home the bagels?  That's no good, people with wheat intolerance will be fucked right over.

It's a bit of a shit article if I'm honest and Dr Hamzah is clearly as a mad as a box of fro... oh, er matches.

 

Omnishambles

Brexit is a shambles.

 

 

There's just 4 shopping days left...

 Until I start lying.

 

And finally...

Fake Adverts are really annoying!

Until next time chums! 

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