11th April 2017

A man who hit his wife with a cricket bat was spared jail because he told the court he was a professional cricketer who had just been offered a contract with Leicester.

The aptly named Mustafa Bashir (known to his mates as Must have a bash, here) also made his wife drink bleach - a shocking tale of domestos abuse.

However, it turned out that Bashir hadn't been offered a cricketing contract at all, as Leicester confirmed they had never heard of him.

And he was as good at cricket as David Blunkett.

Such was the outcry that the judge recalled Bash back to court within weeks and sentenced him to 18 months in prison.

Now, how the hell did he get away with it the first time?  When he offered his sob story about his professional contract why did the prosecution team not chase it up, you know, by making asking Leicester County Cricket if they'd heard of the cunt?

It's a 2 minute job to be fair.

Only after the story became public did Leicester say, "Hang on, who's this shit gibbon we've been linked with?" and set the record straight.

Bashir should have been done for perjury as well as domestic abuse.

Owzat, me old china?

 


Ironyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

 

Wonga!

So it turns out Wonga, the Pay Day loan sharks have been hacked.  A long time MoT fan tells us:

"Wonga have been hacked, potentially giving cyber criminals access to the details of thousands of empty bank accounts.

Criminals can use the customer details to apply for credit cards and loans which will be instantly refused due to poor credit ratings."

 

Meanwhile, in Primark

An outraged snowflake forced Primark to remove a T-shirt from their stores which featured a picture of Lucille, the baseball bat from The Walking Dead along with Negan's slogan, "Eeny Meeny Miny Moe"

The reason for his outrage?  He says it's a racist slogan.

No, not it really isn't you prick!

Now, we know that slogan CAN be used in conjunction with the N word, but it isn't in the TV show.  There are no racial undertones to The Walking Dead whatsoever, so how can 1 man arrive at such a ridiculous decision?

Ian Lucraft from Sheffield was so disgusted by the T-Shirt that he wrote a stinging letter to the store and forced it to remove the T-Shirt.

Now, let's take this a little further.

Ian Lucraft isn't just another shopper.  He's a Methodist Minister.

He also does not watch TWD.

So he's arrived at a totally ill informed decision by WHAT he THINKS, he thinks it could be racist and therefore it must be, yet having never watched the show he could not be any more wrong.

All this from a man who preaches about a mythical man that lives in the clouds and his so called prick of a son who died and came back to life. Sure he did, dickhead, sure he did.

GET A FUCKING LIFE YOU SAD TWAT.

 

Worst Jackie Chan Film.  EVER.

 

And finally...

A little rant about Ed Sheeran and Matt Cardle.
 

Copyright © 2000-2017 Monkey on Toast. All Rights Reserved.