19th April 2016

Sugar rush

So,  I was made aware of this brilliant Amazon review for Haribo’s Sugar free Bears. 
 
As I read through the reviews it became clear that if I chose to eat some of these Bears I would fall into the same category.   
 
You see, I’ve noticed over the last couple of years that I’ve become intolerant to some sugar replacements and sweeteners. 
  
ricola
  
Ricola, classic example. 
  
Having chosen to eat 3 of these “sweets” within 20 minutes on the drive home from work one day, I was surprised to find the “may have a laxative effect” in the very small print on the box was certainly no joke. 
  
In fact, the very small print became even smaller as my eyes were completely shut whilst my arse did its best “look, I can piss like a horse” impression. 
  
Every 5 minutes for at least an hour. 
  
This isn’t the first time this has happened, all after consuming sugar free sweets, and not always in excess. 
  
It took a few goes (no pun intended) before it became obvious it was the sweets causing it and I did wonder if it was just me becoming intolerant.  
  
Clearly from the reviews (whether they are 100% accurate remains to be seen, or not to be honest) I am not alone in finding out that more than 1 sugar free sweet in a day can literally turn me inside out. 
  
In the advert above, the chap singing “Ricola” isn’t singing because he likes them, he’s cursing them. 
  
Cursing them because he’s just shat himself, up top of a mountain. 
 
 
As it happens
 
Ghost of Jimmy Savile pesters for sex
 
 
The Tangled Web
 

Remember when you were first on the web?

Everyone had a “homepage” and they were all cluttered with counters, links and guestbooks?

Then someone decided that was “lame” and designs changed.  Everything was cut down, minimalised and streamlined so the pages loaded quicker.

Was pretty good then wasn’t it?

Now we seem to have gone back to the pages of old.

I don’t mean just “Dave’s Old Amiga stuff” or “Sven’s collection of midget porn”, no, I mean real sites – commercial sites.

Pages are filled with so many adverts that even on the fastest broadband it still feels like it’s 56k dialup.

And it’s not my PC as that goes faster than a smackhead’s Giro for everything else.

Once the page has managed to load and the browser is gracious enough to allow you to scroll down, then you’re treated to a spectacle of links that have absolutely nothing to do with the page you’re reading.

Classic example seems to be some news sites, I’ll use the Daily Mail site.

(For the record, I don’t read the Daily Fail, I just like to look for the brilliant spelling mistakes like the time a man was “shit dead”)

After the adverts about something that has no interest has taken up both sides of the screen and you’ve read whatever shite has been written in the middle you scroll down.

And there, at the bottom are loads of links to other sites, all with top 10 something of other.

“Top 10 pictures taken at the best time” – a collection of pictures where a woman’s skirt has ridden slightly up at an inopportune time or something or a picture where it looks like she’s having a crap in public.

“Look at the reaction to this jaw dropping dress” – Do I need to?  Haven’t you just told me it’s supposed to be jaw dropping?

I’ve noticed of late that “jaw dropping” seems to be the new superlative too.

A dress isn’t jaw dropping, unless you’re an idiot. 

Same as “this picture will blow you away”.  No, no it won’t. 

I can’t imagine seeing anything on the web and being blown away by it – when was the last time you were truly amazed by something?  Something that really took you aback, like it was the BEST thing you’d seen for a long time?

Even a glimpse of a celebs bracket while she’s getting out of a car is a none event these days – twenty years ago if a picture surfaced of Heather Graham accidentally showing off her Jack and Danny it would be straight in the Wank Bank.

How times have changed.

If I’m not going to be “blown away” by seeing an accidental nip slip or the lead singer of Little Mix’s slot then I’m hardly going to get a semi-on over whether a dress is black and blue or white and gold.

My favourite of these Top 10 pages was some kind of “Top 10 pictures of something or other” but when I clicked through to have a look there were only 8.  If you can’t fill a “Top 10 load of shite off the internet” then you’ve had a fucking shocker there son.

There’s at least 8 of these links at the bottom of every page, just regurgitating the same old stuff over and over again.

An increase in broadband speed shouldn’t be the catalyst for suddenly having terrible web design or an overabundance of adverts, it WILL put me off your site. 

 
Llama in drama
 
Over in Satire Corner there's a fella been caught smuggling a Llama
 
Selfie Schtick
 
We live in a smartphone age where everyone can take pictures of whatever they want, whenever they want.
 
Which is fine, generally, although there is something a little disconcerting when you’re in a room with just one other person, a complete stranger and you hear that camera *click* noise.
 
Am I going to end up on Twitter with a caption like “Look at this freak/weirdo/god” or as you hope, the camera was turned on the owner itself taking what’s known as a “selfie”.
 
The selfie.
 
People taking pictures of themselves to post on social media, most often not doing anything at all.
 
Most pictures are taken of nice scenic countryside, a sporting event, or sometimes a massive shit that the person before you has left in the bog.
 
But selfies seem so, well, selfish.
 
There’s a sense of narcissism about them, “Look at me!  Look at meeeee!
 
No thanks and why are you pulling a face that looks like a duck?  Am I supposed to find that attractive?
 
Well it doesn’t work.  It just looks like you’ve been dating Chris Brown.
 
Some selfies I can understand, for example, you’re on your own by Niagara Falls or you’re standing next to a bloke who’s just hijacked your plane.
 
Maybe you’ve just tortured an Iraqi soldier in Abu Graib prison?
 
But a selfie as you’re in a car being driven home from school and sent on Snapchat to other air-headed teenagers, really?  Is that necessary?  How can that be of any interest to anyone?
 
Assuming the lift home is with someone you know and is planned, probably not.  Being driven home by the McCanns? Well, that’s another story.
 
I just don’t get it.  Maybe it’s my age?  I’m fully on board and au fait with technology, I grew up with it, I work within it but I don’t get this.
 
Which brings me onto a device that seems to have the same level of usefulness as Anne Frank’s drum kit – The Selfie Stick.
 
An extendable stick that allows you to attach a phone on the end and take pictures, mainly in groups while not at all pissing off everyone else around you.
 
I thought the point of a selfie was a picture of just yourself (hence, SELFie) but it appears now that any photo you’re in is classed as a selfie.
 
Your school photo with 27 other kids?  Selfie.
 
A photo of you at the football with 3000 other fans around you?  Selfie.
 
(If you’re at The Etihad, it really IS a selfie)
 
I have seen groups of people with a phone on the end of a flimsy bit of plastic trying to take a group shot.  Secretly, I wish the phone falls off and smashes on the floor.  Does that make me bad?  Good.
 
I have seen groups literally hitting passers-by with the stick as they attempt to get everyone in the shot.
 
You don’t need a stick for that!  Just ask someone to take the picture of your group.
 
Surely part of the fun of a group shot is that risk element of asking a complete stranger to take your picture and hoping they don’t do one with your phone, camera, box brownie?
 
So you can take your stick, snap it in half and stick it where the sun don’t shine – you fucking wands.
 
And finally...
 
 
See you next time!
 
 
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