26th April 2016

Scheisse or is that ShIce?

So as news hits that KFC's ice cubes contain the bacteria found in faecal matter (that's shit to you and me) word reaches Monkey on Toast Food Analysts (AKA The Greedy Fat Bastards) that KFC is revamping its range of food.

Introducing the new Plopcorn Chicken, complete with little bits of shit that have fallen off.

plocorn chicken

And the desserts are also  undergoing a radical change, meet the new Shittles Krushems.

I'm surprised it's taken this long to come out actually, anyone who doesn't think KFC is a load of shit clearly has never been to the Blackburn one.


When doves cry

Another celebrity passes, won't our celebs just stop dying?


Kanye West

The rapper and general tool, named after a service station on the M4 has come to the attention of our parentage experts.


Moor's the pity

The Manchester Evening News reports a story where a website is selling clothes and phone cases donning the ugly mug of Myra Hindley.

As ever, Monkey on Toast Marketing have jumped into action and launched our own clothes range!

Available to buy now, the Harold Shipman Hoody.

You too can look as sharp as my needle.

Irantiques Roadshow

As the looting of Iraq and Syria continues by ISIS, it appears the historial artifacts are making their way over to Britain and our antique market.

The priceless items from areas such as Palmyra (which sounds like a car by Nissan) are being sold to fund the terrorism further.

You don't get that with a Banksy.

The portrait of Jihadi Bob from Leeds was valued at £50,000 on Antiques Roadshow.


US in poking nose in other people's business shocker

So President Bollock Obama says that if Britain pulls out of Europe then that could put us at the back of the trade queue.  All very frightening, I'm sure.

However, what people don't realise is that yes, we WOULD be at the back of a queue, a queue that consists of 2 - the other being Europe where there has been NO progress made on a new trade deal for months.

Other side of it, Britain would be in a very strong position as well to force those US companies to cough up tax or get the hell out of Dodge, something the US corporations won't be wanting to happen.

So, a Brexit is probably a win-win for Britain, regardless of what Cameron's Propaganda machine says.


Everybody out

Should those who are employed to care for you be allowed to strike?

Personally I don’t think anyone who works for the public sector should be allowed to strike, taxpayers money is paying for their salaries.

Today’s mass walkout of Junior Doctors is negligent at best.  People’s operations are cancelled, operations they’ve probably waited some considerable time for, put back even longer.

So they don’t like the pay they’re getting?  Then they should go and find another job somewhere else.

When they go to medical school all this is laid out for them, it’s not a surprise at the hours they’ll work and the salaries they’ll be paid.

However, it seems to be common trait these days that all youngsters want everything without putting the time and effort in.

Only interested in going straight onto £80K a year?  Not prepared to work those longer hours for £30K a year no?  I know plenty of people who would kill for that.

You see, you have to put the time and effort in and work your way up – Time served I think you’ll find it called in most other industries.

Having the word “Doctor” in their job title does not mean they’ve arrived, the “Junior” bit is there for a reason.

Don’t get me wrong, they’re not all the same and it’s a job that takes an awful lot of dedication and stress but it’s also a job they chose.

Having experienced hospital several times over the last 7 years I can certainly say in complete confidence these Junior Doctors are absolutely not the finished article.

There have been delays, misdiagnoses, head scratching, umming, arring and a time I was left covered in my own blood (I hope it was my own blood anyway).

When the Juniors have served their time in the field properly, have matured, make the right decision every time and they are known as fully qualified Doctors then their conditions change.

They’re paid more, they have more benefits, they’re more respected.

The same is true for most professions where people start at the bottom.

I can understand a change in conditions or contract might not be ideal, but in truth nothing ever stays the same, it is the nature of the beast these days.

People’s jobs change all the time, in my last job I can’t remember sitting in the same seat for more than 6 months before there was a mass move again – it just shows businesses and organisations are constantly changing, rightly or wrong that’s the way it is.

What gets me about these Junior Doctors is they honestly think the new contracts they’re getting will stay the same forever.  It won’t!

Another Government will come in, things will change, there will be a change of direction, contracts will change again.

If there are deaths or complications resulting from today’s strike there should be repercussions, striking doctors who should have looked after the sick and injured should face charges of negligence or gross misconduct.

If as a Junior you honestly believe you’re entitled to the same salary and benefits as a consultant who has put the hours in that you’re not prepared to do then you are in the wrong job.

You’ll still have the word “Doctor” in your title but will be prefixed with “Drain”.

Get back to work, you massive fannies. 

junior doctor
Keith turned up for work as normal, despite being labelled a "scab"


And finally...

There's a new rant about the McCanns

Until next time, my friends.

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