The giant Fatberg currently blocking a sewer under Whitechapel, London is identifying as Trans, a leading expert has revealed.

The Fatberg, weighing in at 130 tons and unrelated to singer Adele is currently being shifted by workers from Thames Water and is said to identifying as Trans, going under the name "Flora".

Flora or Adele, yesterday.

Colin Barclaycard from the University of East Blythe has spoken to Flora in order to keep her spirits up as she is blasted by water before being broken up, part of which is expected to be sent to the Museum of London.

However, Professor Barclaycard has revealed that Flora was originally born as the exotically named Trex.

After rapidly gaining weight due to a heavy diet of cooking oil, nappies and wet wipes, Trex became very unhappy with himself and decided to become a Trans Fat.

Prime Minister and general cretin Theresa May has pledged to fight ISIS if she wins the General Election next week.

May, who cuts her own hair with a 1970's style device, plans to infiltrate the set of arseholes (ISIS, not the Tories) and get them addicted to Spice.

Plans are already afoot and a sleeper, well, "stupified" cell has been assembled and is ready to head off to Iraq and Syria as early as next Friday where they will offer the legal high to the fighters in order to turn them into Jihadi Junkies.

The Monged Militia will then be murdered while they are off their mash.

The plan, devised by the Secretary of State for Defence is a last ditch plan to combat the ever growing group of wankers who want to impose Sharia Law on the world.


Spice up your life

Game maker King are being investigated by MI5 after it emerged London terror attacker Khalid Masood was playing Candy Crush Saga minutes before he ploughed into pedestrians in Westminster.

It is thought that Masood was messaging suspected collaborators using WhatsApp prior to running over terrified pedestrians and stabbing a police man.

However, we can reveal that Khalid was playing the addictive game on his iPhone for up to an hour before the attack, prompting MI5 to investigate the maker of the game to see if it contains hidden messages.

There have been calls to end the encryption of WhatsApp so that messages can be read in plain text, however, a Monkey on Toast Digital Forensic can exclusively reveal the last words the attacker said on the messaging app:

"Hey guys, how the fuck do you get off level 202?!  Been on it 3 weeks now and right fucked off.  Allah Akbar!"

We contacted King for comment and they told us "Sweeeet!"


Khalid Masood - Candy Crush addict and former Brookside actor

Syrian President and evil tyrant, Bashar al Assad had claimed the interview he gave where he called a gas attack on his own people as fake, fake.

Assad gave the interview on Thursday amid claims he carried out an attack that killed at least 87 of his own people as "100 per cent fabrication" but has now claimed that this claim is "200 per cent bullshit, man".

Assad is thought to be losing grip on Syria although he has high friends in Russia's Vladimir Putin who himself has recently joined the "Bullshit Mr Han Man Fan Club" with Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un.

Assad yesterday

 

I've stumbled across the foolproof plan to combat ISIS.

It's not planes, missiles, weapons or Elton John.

It's dogs, good old simple dogs.

See, I've a dog.  A lovely Beagle called Jeremy.

For the record, he doesn't have one paw smaller than the others.

Anyway, Jeremy is an absolute ferocious beast of a dog, capable of ripping a man to shreds quicker than a shoal of piranha.

Just look at him:

You're shitting bricks just looking at him right?

Thought not, he's as soft as shite.

So how is this kind of dog going to tackle the bastards in ISIS I hear you ask.

Well, it's like this see....

When I have to do the school run, young Jeremy comes with me.  There's no law says you can't take a dog into the school grounds.

Now, my kids school has a reasonably large Asian contingent.

And when I walk through the school with Jeremy, there's an instant parting of the seas to let me through, like royalty.

And that's because Muslims are absolutely shit scared of dogs.

The young girls, not so much, they like to try and stroke him - he loves a good stroke.

Who doesn't?

The boys, a little bit more frightened.

Adult women try to see the good in a dog, they try to like him.  How can you not like him?  He's a cute little fucker!

But the adult men!  They are absolutely terrified!  They will walk to the other side of the school to avoid poor little Jezza going anywhere near them!

Sometimes I wonder if I'm walking through the school playground like this:

So there you have it!  Let's send a horde of dogs over to combat ISIS, we could even make some of them into Bombdogs!

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