Satire

Syrian President and evil tyrant, Bashar al Assad had claimed the interview he gave where he called a gas attack on his own people as fake, fake.

Assad gave the interview on Thursday amid claims he carried out an attack that killed at least 87 of his own people as "100 per cent fabrication" but has now claimed that this claim is "200 per cent bullshit, man".

Assad is thought to be losing grip on Syria although he has high friends in Russia's Vladimir Putin who himself has recently joined the "Bullshit Mr Han Man Fan Club" with Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un.

^{Assad yesterday}

I've stumbled across the foolproof plan to combat ISIS.

It's not planes, missiles, weapons or Elton John.

It's dogs, good old simple dogs.

See, I've a dog.  A lovely Beagle called Jeremy.

For the record, he doesn't have one paw smaller than the others.

Anyway, Jeremy is an absolute ferocious beast of a dog, capable of ripping a man to shreds quicker than a shoal of piranha.

Just look at him:

You're shitting bricks just looking at him right?

Thought not, he's as soft as shite.

So how is this kind of dog going to tackle the bastards in ISIS I hear you ask.

Well, it's like this see....

When I have to do the school run, young Jeremy comes with me.  There's no law says you can't take a dog into the school grounds.

Now, my kids school has a reasonably large Asian contingent.

And when I walk through the school with Jeremy, there's an instant parting of the seas to let me through, like royalty.

And that's because Muslims are absolutely shit scared of dogs.

The young girls, not so much, they like to try and stroke him - he loves a good stroke.

Who doesn't?

The boys, a little bit more frightened.

Adult women try to see the good in a dog, they try to like him.  How can you not like him?  He's a cute little fucker!

But the adult men!  They are absolutely terrified!  They will walk to the other side of the school to avoid poor little Jezza going anywhere near them!

Sometimes I wonder if I'm walking through the school playground like this:

So there you have it!  Let's send a horde of dogs over to combat ISIS, we could even make some of them into Bombdogs!

Game maker King are being investigated by MI5 after it emerged London terror attacker Khalid Masood was playing Candy Crush Saga minutes before he ploughed into pedestrians in Westminster.

It is thought that Masood was messaging suspected collaborators using WhatsApp prior to running over terrified pedestrians and stabbing a police man.

However, we can reveal that Khalid was playing the addictive game on his iPhone for up to an hour before the attack, prompting MI5 to investigate the maker of the game to see if it contains hidden messages.

There have been calls to end the encryption of WhatsApp so that messages can be read in plain text, however, a Monkey on Toast Digital Forensic can exclusively reveal the last words the attacker said on the messaging app:

"Hey guys, how the fuck do you get off level 202?!  Been on it 3 weeks now and right fucked off.  Allah Akbar!"

We contacted King for comment and they told us "Sweeeet!"

^{Khalid Masood - Candy Crush addict and former Brookside actor}

A Tory MP has been accused of Filibustering during a House of Commons debate to ban Filibustering.

^{Wankers, yesterday.}

Brendan Gobshite, MP for Kanye West is accused of attempting to derail the "Talking Nonsense Act 2016" from being passed by talking non-stop for 60 minutes about absolutely nothing.

The debate for the Bill follows an online petition in which there were in excess of 250,000 signatures in order to end the delaying tactic.

Gobshite is no stranger to talking rot, his previous debating topics include:

• The change of Marathon to Snickers bars
• Cornflakes
• The origin of USB
• Cakes through the centuries

It is thought the Bill will not be debated again until 2017, hopefully on a day when Gobshite is off sick.