A woman from Croydon claims an oversexed midget who bears an uncanny resemblance to Professor Chris Witty gave her 3 doses.

The lady, known as Kate says the midget promised to give her a COVID-19 vaccination but instead left her with a nasty itch.

chris witty midget

"Instead of getting 3 doses of Astra Zeneca, I've ended up with 3 doses of the clap!", she says, "I don't think that's what Boris meant when he said to clap for the NHS!"

We've managed to track down the midget and can reveal he is known as Chris "Itty" Bitty, and works in Poundstretcher.

We telephoned Chris to see if he had time to talk to us but he said he was "a little short".

The case continues.

An Insulate Britain activist who was imprisoned for 2 years has died in prison, we can reveal.

Jenny Tull, 52 from Dulwich was sent to prison after being found guilty of repeatedly blocking major roads in the UK.

It is thought that Jenny contracted pneumonia whilst in what she had referred to as a "particularly draughty cell".

One inmate said, "She was quite cold all the time, we told her to get some jumpers on but she just kept banging on about wanting the Government to provide her with free jumpers.  She was a bit of a daft get if I'm honest"

Tull will be eligible for parole in 12 months.

 

A man from Stockport has been arrested on suspicion of murder after several Insulate Britain protestors were found dead in his loft.

Gordon Finchley from Hall Road was arrested last Friday after Police became suspicious during an anti-drugs campaign.

Greater Manchester Police  regularly fly their copper-chopper, "India 99", armed with thermal imaging cameras to seek out "hot spots" in people's lofts, a dead giveaway to naughty buggers who grow weed an ting.

When Police saw just how warm Finchley's loft was, they came a-knocking.

Upon breaking into the loft they saw the immediate source of heat, a set of corpses all wrapped snugly in Space Blankets.

It is thought Finchley, 27, had lured the stupid buggers to his house on the premise of joining their gang of fuckwitts and plied them with hot buttered crumpets and tea.  The tea, however, is thought to have contained a poison, possibly Cyanide which instantly killed the Insulaters.

Finchley then wrapped them in Space Blankets and put them in his loft.

One copper on the scene said, "It's amazing really, his loft was toastie warm.  He could have boarded that out and had it as a reet snug gaming room.  It's a shame he got caught really, the daft bastard".

Finchley denies murder and will be brought to trial next year.

 

A climate change activist from Bristol has been shamed after it emerged he put up extravagant Christmas lights on the outside of his house.

christmas lights

Russell Hobbes, 52, has long campaigned about climate change and in particular prides himself on having a "near zero carbon footprint".

However, evidence has emerged which shows this to be the contrary.

Hobbes is said to be very critical of people who leave lights on in empty rooms and has been heard to utter "... it's like bloody Blackpool illuminations in 'ere" at his children many times over the years.

He even goes so far to turn OFF all appliances at the plug every night.

The damning photograph has made its way to social media where people are calling him "silly", "stupid" and "a daft cunt".

We approached Russell to get his view on his hypocrisy but he was unavailable for comment as he had all his devices switched off.

 

Notorious set of rotters, The Taliban, have finally agreed to hire a Diversity Manager.

taliban diversity manager

Mahmood Kahir, pictured, has been hired to ensure that women are represented fairly in Afghanistan.

Kahir, who identifies as a woman named Kaasheen was appointed to oversee the restructuring of public services including policing and education.

"We are extremely excited to change people's perceptions of the Taliban", says Kahir, "we believe we're inclusive of women, which is why starting next month we're going to allow women to become public executioners too"

The news is welcomed by all, apart from the NHS who are disappointed they have one less candidate for their Diversity network.