Stroking your cat without permission is sexual assault says some dickhead from a university.

Miss Tilly Tiddles from the University of Swanage made the claim in a lecture around sexual conduct on campus.

Tiddles, 56, claims that not asking a cat's permission before stroking is wrong and likened it to being "molested up the minge by a filthy man".

The lecturer who has never had a boyfriend has 6 cats and says her relationship with her feline friends is more important.

Her claims are thought to stem from a time when the gas man came to service her boiler (only service she's ever had -Ed) and upon seeing one of her cats, Mr Scratchy, went to stroke without asking.  Tilly was horrified and made the gas man leave immediately.


The Archbishop of Canterbury has claimed that primary schoolchildren should be free to dress up in tiara's or superhero costumes without comment from teachers,

Which I guess is OK given they are young kids and young kids like dressing up.

The Church says that kids should be free to explore "who they might be", although it's unlikely that many will turn out to be Princesses and I can pretty much rule out the fact that no kid is going to grow up to be Spiderman.

Although it's a bit weird that he's managed to make it a religious thing by claiming it spreads a "Christian Message".

Does it though?  It just smacks of an old guy who wears dresses for a living trying to get kids to dress up.



Halloween has been branded as "too scary" by a mum from Cobham, we can exclusively reveal.

Melanie Snowflake told us, "It's just way too scary for my kids.  Halloween should be a time of year for going to people's houses and blackmailing them into giving money or sweets."

She continued, "My kids are just so sensitive, I don't know why it has to be scary things we dress up in.  I feel so triggered right now!"

"My girls, Chelsea and Chardonnay feel frightened just putting the costumes on, it's like they really believe they will become actual witches, which is odd because they're 26 and 24 and both successful nail artists".

It is thought the Metropolitan Police is investigating further.


Bonfire Night is sexist and excludes transgender & non-binary gender people, claims a leading Feminazi.

Belinda Nomaytes made the outlandish claim at a conference on Gender Exclusivity in New Malden.

Nomaytes told us, "Bonfire Night just excludes everyone who isn't male.  I mean, you only need to know that the person who we celebrate as being the main protagonist in the whole Gunpowder Plot was called Guy.  What is the chances of that?  Guy.  A man".

She continued, hysterically, "Why did HE have to be called GUY eh?  You might as well just call HIM MAN FAWKES".

When our correspondent put it to Belinda that Guy is short of Guido she shut the fuck up and crawled back into her "She Space".



The giant Fatberg currently blocking a sewer under Whitechapel, London is identifying as Trans, a leading expert has revealed.

The Fatberg, weighing in at 130 tons and unrelated to singer Adele is currently being shifted by workers from Thames Water and is said to identifying as Trans, going under the name "Flora".

Flora or Adele, yesterday.

Colin Barclaycard from the University of East Blythe has spoken to Flora in order to keep her spirits up as she is blasted by water before being broken up, part of which is expected to be sent to the Museum of London.

However, Professor Barclaycard has revealed that Flora was originally born as the exotically named Trex.

After rapidly gaining weight due to a heavy diet of cooking oil, nappies and wet wipes, Trex became very unhappy with himself and decided to become a Trans Fat.

Page 1 of 8

Copyright © 2000-2017 Monkey on Toast. All rights Reserved.