A man from Chesterfield almost died this week when he forgot to breathe.

Kevin Mincemeat, 25 said, "I watched the Prime Ministers speech on Sunday and thought I knew everything there was about life but later on I just physically stopped breathing!"

Kevin, a currently fuloughed printer physically stopped breathing because Boris Johnson didn't tell him he needed to in his speech.

"Boris Johnson didn't tell me I needed to breathe, so I didn't", he said, "I just thought, 'Oh, I don't need to breathe if old BoJo hasn't told me to, like'".

Kevin, who is known as a bit of a plonker will be fired into sun for stupidity just as soon as flights resume.

Former singer Brian Harvey has contracted Coronavirus from a Baked Potato, Monkey on Toast understands.

Harvey, 45 from Walthamstow is said to have caught the COVID-19 virus after eating a jacket potato with cheese at home.

It is thought the virus was already present in the potato which Harvey didn't wash before cooking; this means the virus might be able to survive being on full power in a microwave for 12 minutes.

This is the 2nd time the former 90's boyband singer has suffered at the hands of a jacket potato after famously running himself over whilst eating one while driving.

Maddie McCann could be the key to finding a cure for the dreaded Coronavirus, experts claim.

Britain's Police have stepped up "Operation Ambre Solaire" further and are now desperate to find the child who will be 16 or 17 years old.

Scientists believe that Maddie had a special kind of blood which if cloned could be the cure for COVID-19.

If you see any child who you believe could be Maddie please get in touch.

Experts believe Maddie may look like this now:

maddie now 1

or this

maddie now 2

Remember back in 2018 when a pretty young America girl wore a traditional Chinese dress to her school Prom and some Chinese American guy got all whiny about it, because he said it was "Cultural Appropriation"?

chinese prom dress

Well, a bunch of bedwetters are about to get even more whiny because 3.5m people worldwide have now been infected with the virus that originated in China.

"Who do these Americans think they are, getting infected with our virus?", said Wuhan Jan.  Jan is said to be "fewmin" on Facebook because the virus that started in a virus lab in China has literally gone viral.

"It's our bloody virus", she said, "Why can't those American bastards get their own virus? Like Trump or Hilary Clinton."

 Meanwhile, a group calling itself "Justice for Corona" is running a campaign to stamp out the virus worldwide.

"We want our virus back", they sung as they gathered for the first time since Wuhan Lockdown was lifted.

"It is nothing more than cultural appropriation and we're sick of it, it's bloody racist an' all", said Zhou Wei, "it's not like we take anything from England is it?"

When it was pointed out that Chinese people in England run takeaways serving the national dish of fish and chips the line went dead.  Probably a Zoom issue or something.

 

A conspiracy theorist from Stoke claims that the global pandemic Coronavirus was created by eco mentalist Greta Thunberg.

The man, known as "Conspiracy Brian" made the bold claims on a conspiracy forum where other mentalists hang out.

Brian says, "Think about it.  Greta wanted to stop industry to heal the world and all of a sudden this massive virus has gone across the world, literally stopping the world.  Pollution is gone and there's dolphins returning to Southport for the first time in hundreds of years.  I've even seen lions coming back to Bodmin".

We think Brian might be a little special.

 

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