Mega-Nonce Don Clifton is luring kids to his house by claiming his yard contains “loads of Pokemon”.

The kiddy fiddler, jailed 4 times for molesting children over the space of 30 years is using the new Pokemon Go game to encourage children to enter his garden.

So he can try to enter them.

Dirty Don, 62 was quick to put signs up outside his house to catch on the new game-craze but it seems local residents have thwarted his attempts.

He’s a right dirty old man”, said one resident, “he’s been trying to get kids in his garden for days now

We dressed an undercover analyst up as a child, armed with an iPhone and a tazer and sent her into his yard.

When Don came out to speak to her he told her that “some of the Pokemon in the garden are hiding, but inside there’s one that looks like a sausage

When our undercover agent revealed herself to be an adult, Don became defensive but did concede that he “gotta catch ‘em all

North Korean Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-Un has insisted the new Pokemon Go game should only contain Pokemon characters that resemble himself.

Speaking at a gaming convention in Dusseldorf, one leading programmer told us, “Kim just doesn’t like the concept of players hunting for little monsters and thinks that if people are putting their effort into locating characters to worship it should be him”.

Claus Bucksfizz continued, “We’ve had to amend the version that’s available in North Korea, it’s crazy really.  But then again, he is bonkers in the nut

 

Radical Muslims in ISIS controlled areas are to relax the rule on women drivers, a radical Muslim analyst can reveal.

ISIS had originally banned women from driving because they're a bunch of evil bastards who live in the stone age.

However, they have relaxed their position of late and have suggested they'd be happy for women to drive cars as long as the car was wearing a Burka.

The BurCar, as it will be known, will be available in all good car shops, such as Jamalfords.

 It is believed Mohamed Lahouaiej Bouhlel was playing the new “Pokemon Go” game when he drove a truck through crowds of people on the Promenade des Anglais.

 It was widely reported on Friday that the “accident” was a terrorist attack, however, ISIS officials have been quick to deny it was their doing.

 “I’m afraid this fella wasn’t one of ours”, Al-bin Stardust told our analyst.

 He continued, “Mohamed was not an ISIS operative.  We’d be happy to claim he was, but he just wasn’t”.

 A spokesman for the French police, Pierre Pardew said, “It appears we were a little hasty, it wasn’t a terror attack at all.  He was playing that bloody Pokemon Go game  whilst driving and ploughed into  all these people.  Then he got out and started shooting

 “He was shouting Pikachu Akbar!  Pikachu Akbar! as he shot.  He must have thought he was shooting at Pokemon characters.

We apologise for thinking he was a terrorist.

Bill Murray was unavailable for comment.

EU officials are set to ban black Olives, we can exclusively reveal.

EU spokesman Babylon Alcatraz told a Monkey on Toast Black Olive Analyst the Mediterranean delicacy is to be banned because it does not fit in with the EU’s policy of recommending “5 a day” fruit and veg which has become less popular in recent times.

However, the move is being widely condemned by lovers of the fruit.  Or veg.  Or whatever it is.

Steven Quesadilla has set up an opposition group, BlackOlivesMatter to garner support for the flagging fruit, with demonstrations already taking place in Peckham, Paris and Wiesbaden.

It’s a bloody outrage”, Steven told us, “they can’t take our Olives away.  Next it will be turnips and finally figs.  We can’t let these bastards win

 

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