Being a TV or Film Critic could land you in hot water if you're not careful.

Giving a negative review could be classed as a hate crime according to a Police Officer.

PC McGarry of the Camberwick Green Constabulary told an undercover Monkey on Toast reporter, "Giving a negative review of a film or TV show could hurt the feelings of an actor, actress or director and could be dealt with as a hate crime", the plod said.

"It could land you in the slammer for up to 2 years if found guilty", he continued, "Garry Bushell and Nina Myskow must be fucking shitting it!"

PC McGarry - Nasty bastard

A man from Penistone is lobbying his local MP and NHS Trust in order to get a smear test.

The test is used to detect abnormalities in the cervix such as cancer.

Joshua Darcy who claims he identifies as "A man Monday to Friday but definitely a woman at the weekend" believes it is his right to ask for the test claiming, "Women have it done all the time and as I identify as a woman on the weekend then it is only fair that I get checked out.  I don't want my weekends to be full of Cervical Cancer do I?"

However, his local MP, Geraldine Trump (no relation) says she's tried talking to her constituent several times about it but can't seem "to be heard".

She told a Monkey On Toast Smear Tests for Men Correspondent, "I've tried talking to Josh about it a few times, I've explained that although he identifies as a woman on the weekend, which is is wont he actually has a mans body, he is biologically a man"

Trump continued, "He just doesn't get it.  To be honest, off the record like, he's a bit of a tit."


Flat chested women in a South Western city have called for a boycott of Pancake Day.

The women of the Flat Chest Society, ironically based in the South Western city of Bristol claim that pancakes make them feel inferior and as a result wish to stop everyone else from enjoying them.

The call was made on Monday this week, the day before Pancake Day.

Sounds like a bunch of bitter lemons to be honest, never heard so much crepe in all my life.

A massive throbber from Loughborough has claimed that separating whites and coloured clothing for washing is "Washing machine apartheid" and should be banned.

The cock womble made the claim at a recent gathering of the "Loughborough Virgins", a clique of knobheads who are unlikely to ever get laid.

In his startling claim, Liam Ballbag-Jones suggested that "Clothes should be put into a wash all together.  Keeping whites and colours apart is damaging to society and suggests a white supremacy".

"Who cares if a red t-shirt runs with a white shirt?", he went on to say, "It'll just give a nice pink shirt, and then you can pretend to be gay, which I'm definitely not!".

When it was put to him that a coloured wash could be done first and therefore could be deemed a priority he had nothing to say, the piss poor virtue signalling jizz trowel.

Stroking your cat without permission is sexual assault says some dickhead from a university.

Miss Tilly Tiddles from the University of Swanage made the claim in a lecture around sexual conduct on campus.

Tiddles, 56, claims that not asking a cat's permission before stroking is wrong and likened it to being "molested up the minge by a filthy man".

The lecturer who has never had a boyfriend has 6 cats and says her relationship with her feline friends is more important.

Her claims are thought to stem from a time when the gas man came to service her boiler (only service she's ever had -Ed) and upon seeing one of her cats, Mr Scratchy, went to stroke without asking.  Tilly was horrified and made the gas man leave immediately.


Copyright © 2000-2018 Monkey on Toast. All rights Reserved.