Car crash MP Diane Abbott was on Question Time last week.

diane abbott racist matrix

New presenter Fiona Bruce disagreed with something Abbott said so naturally the lefty weirdo's did what they always do when someone disagrees with or pokes fun at Daft Diane, they called her WASCIST!

So, just so you know where you stand if you disagree with Dizzy Di, here's a little cut out and keep guide:


  Man Woman Trans
White Racist and Sexist
(Possibly even a rapist or a paedo)
Racist Racist thing!
Black Sexist Coconut & sell out Erm
Asian Twelvety £42,000 Radyboy!
 Other There are others? Hijab! Banana


There are calls for politically correct football chants to be heard around the grounds of England.

The "Campaign for Friendly Football Songs" (CAFFS) says it's time to ditch the resentful and nasty songs, eve if they're supremely hilarious.

A spokesperson for CAFFS says, "By adopting these new songs we could see the end of nasty, evil songs and instead introduce a friendly rivalry and competition"

It is believed CAFFS are trying to introduce such replacements as:

"You're not very good, you're not very good, you're not very, you're not very, you're not very good" to be replaced by "You're not very good, you're not very good, but we recognise you have a host of injuries, we wish you all the best!"

The common, "Shit ground, no fans, shit ground no fans" would be replaced by "Nice ground, ace fans, nice ground ace fans"

And finally, "We want to go home, we want to go home, this place is a shit hole, we want to go home" will be replaced by "We want to stay here, we want to stay here, this place is really nice, we'll holiday next year"


Radical weather extremists and general miserable gits are demanding that Christmas cards are changed.

The Campaign for Real Christmas Card Scenes (CaRCCS) say that as the weather has evolved, the scenes that illustrate Christmas on cards are no longer accurate.

"We just want Christmas cards to reflect how the weather is these days", says Barry Pfeffer, "the cards picture a scene of snow and jolliness whereas these days the Christmas season is usually rainy and windy and a bit turd".

The new real life Christmas cards will be on sale at Moonpig soon and in all good card stockists (as well as some shit ones)

Senior Government officials claim Brexit needs a brand in order to make it appear more likeable and favourable.

Lord Aramis (a distant relative of Lord Adonis, who thinks he's God's Gift to women) says that the country needs a brand and indeed a character to get behind.

"If Brexit had a character just like the World Cup campaigns do then I really think it would help to deliver a Brexit for all", he says.

A leaked document suggests that Theresa May will be promoting the new character in the coming days, while she pretends she's all up for Brexit despite trying to figure out how to stop it.

Monkey on Toast insiders have got their hands on the document and can reveal the character that will be unveiled before the end of the week:

greenback brexit


Radical Vegans are demanding the city of Birmingham change name, as they're offended by the meaty title.

A spokesman for the radical organisation "Vegans Against Fun" or VAF say the name of the city should not reflect any type of meat as meat is murder, man.

"We demand Birmingham be renamed to either Birmingville or Birminghsoya", said Pete Trotsky, very weakly.

"And while we are at it", he stammered inbetween hunger pangs, "Let's rename anywhere that sounds meaty or fishy.  Soya is the way forward!"

Pete sadly died not long after. 

He won't be missed.

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