Flat chested women in a South Western city have called for a boycott of Pancake Day.

The women of the Flat Chest Society, ironically based in the South Western city of Bristol claim that pancakes make them feel inferior and as a result wish to stop everyone else from enjoying them.

The call was made on Monday this week, the day before Pancake Day.

Sounds like a bunch of bitter lemons to be honest, never heard so much crepe in all my life.

Stroking your cat without permission is sexual assault says some dickhead from a university.

Miss Tilly Tiddles from the University of Swanage made the claim in a lecture around sexual conduct on campus.

Tiddles, 56, claims that not asking a cat's permission before stroking is wrong and likened it to being "molested up the minge by a filthy man".

The lecturer who has never had a boyfriend has 6 cats and says her relationship with her feline friends is more important.

Her claims are thought to stem from a time when the gas man came to service her boiler (only service she's ever had -Ed) and upon seeing one of her cats, Mr Scratchy, went to stroke without asking.  Tilly was horrified and made the gas man leave immediately.

 

Bonfire Night is sexist and excludes transgender & non-binary gender people, claims a leading Feminazi.

Belinda Nomaytes made the outlandish claim at a conference on Gender Exclusivity in New Malden.

Nomaytes told us, "Bonfire Night just excludes everyone who isn't male.  I mean, you only need to know that the person who we celebrate as being the main protagonist in the whole Gunpowder Plot was called Guy.  What is the chances of that?  Guy.  A man".

She continued, hysterically, "Why did HE have to be called GUY eh?  You might as well just call HIM MAN FAWKES".

When our correspondent put it to Belinda that Guy is short of Guido she shut the fuck up and crawled back into her "She Space".

 

 

The Archbishop of Canterbury has claimed that primary schoolchildren should be free to dress up in tiara's or superhero costumes without comment from teachers,

Which I guess is OK given they are young kids and young kids like dressing up.

The Church says that kids should be free to explore "who they might be", although it's unlikely that many will turn out to be Princesses and I can pretty much rule out the fact that no kid is going to grow up to be Spiderman.

Although it's a bit weird that he's managed to make it a religious thing by claiming it spreads a "Christian Message".

Does it though?  It just smacks of an old guy who wears dresses for a living trying to get kids to dress up.

 

 

Halloween has been branded as "too scary" by a mum from Cobham, we can exclusively reveal.

Melanie Snowflake told us, "It's just way too scary for my kids.  Halloween should be a time of year for going to people's houses and blackmailing them into giving money or sweets."

She continued, "My kids are just so sensitive, I don't know why it has to be scary things we dress up in.  I feel so triggered right now!"

"My girls, Chelsea and Chardonnay feel frightened just putting the costumes on, it's like they really believe they will become actual witches, which is odd because they're 26 and 24 and both successful nail artists".

It is thought the Metropolitan Police is investigating further.

 

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