EU officials are set to ban black Olives, we can exclusively reveal.

EU spokesman Babylon Alcatraz told a Monkey on Toast Black Olive Analyst the Mediterranean delicacy is to be banned because it does not fit in with the EU’s policy of recommending “5 a day” fruit and veg which has become less popular in recent times.

However, the move is being widely condemned by lovers of the fruit.  Or veg.  Or whatever it is.

Steven Quesadilla has set up an opposition group, BlackOlivesMatter to garner support for the flagging fruit, with demonstrations already taking place in Peckham, Paris and Wiesbaden.

It’s a bloody outrage”, Steven told us, “they can’t take our Olives away.  Next it will be turnips and finally figs.  We can’t let these bastards win

 

The United Kingdom has agreed to dispense with its array of flags, a Monkey on Toast Flag Dispensing analyst has revealed.

Due to the rise in immigrants from all over the world in recent years, the UK has decided the Union Flag is so offensive to other people that its flag will be all white.

Oh wait.  Hang on.

That’s a bit racist isn’t it?

Update:  The UK flag will now be all black.

Shit.

Is that racist?

Yellow.  All yellow.

Balls.

Brown?  That’s OK isn’t it?

Fuck.

UPDATE UPDATE: The UK has decided to ban its flag altogether so as not to upset anyone from any other country.

Those flying the St George flag from their houses will be punished severely, especially if they’re from Sports Direct and a football tournament is on.

The chav bastards.

The move has been brought in order to accommodate people from all over the world and to make them feel like they’re not in another country.

No thought has gone into the fact that every country in the world has a flag, including the country the people had originally come from.  And it never bothered them then.

Nor were they arsed when they passed through 5 countries on the way, each proudly displaying their flag.

A spokesman for the steering group “Bag the Flag” told our undercover reporter, “We want to take away the identity of the country so everyone who comes here won’t be forced to see a little bit of fabric with some lines on”.

It’s really distressing for them”, continued Anita Babb, “they see this fabric flapping in a breeze or stuck to cars when the World Cup is on and it reminds them of home

Another member, Wanky Sweatvest told us, “When they see the St George Cross it reminds them of the Crusades which happened like a thousand years ago when none of the current people were alive and able to corroborate any of the stories that we’ve been told

Unfortunately, she continued, “If we can just take away the identity of our country then we’ll have achieved something great!

When it was put it to her that the flag was used for all manner of reasons including to identify the nationality of boats and during the Eurovision song contest Ms Sweatvest told us, “Oh, right.  Really?  Wow.  Anita!  Anita!  We need to talk!

How Eurovision would look in the future

Top Gear presenter Chris Evans is to take over the role of Town Crier for Stroud, we can exclusively reveal.

MoT Town Cryer analyst Percy Whipsnade said, “The current incumbent for Stroud, Ken Dalmint-Cake, will retire at the end of the August which leaves a vacancy for Chris.

Evans has been slated for his shouty behaviour on the new series of Top Gear, in which he has taken over from legendary presenter Jeremy Clarkson.

One Top Gear fan told us, “He just shouts at everything, he’s quite annoying

The ginger shoutbag is expected to relish his forthcoming role although it is not without concern, as one councillor for Stroud told our analyst, “He will have to undergo training to ensure he shouts Hear Ye, Hear Ye and not Hear Me!  Hear Me!

Meanwhile, a fan survey run by  Lepidopterist Pricetag found Evans came 2nd in a poll of annoying shouty piss-stain presenters and voice over artists which included Brian Blessed and Peter Dickson.

A school in Derby is being investigated after a Polish boy was told to “go home” by his teacher.

Bogdan Innaditch, 10 was doing his work when the school bell rang at 3:30.

As his classmates got up, put all their work away in drawers and left for the evening, Bogdan continued to work.

The school, St Kevins School of the Rampant Apostle is being accused of racism following the EU Referendum vote for Brexit.

Bogdan’s teacher, Mary Tylermooreshow has defended her actions.

It was home time, all the other kids were going home, I told Bogdan to go home, it’s as simple as that”, she said.

However, a group of parents have become so outraged they’ve set up a group to try and oust Ms Tylermooreshow.

Kenny Jenkinson-McFarquar told a Monkey on Toast Fake Racism Analyst, “This is disgusting, a young child told to go home!  His teacher should know better!

When we put it to Kenny that Bogdan was told to go home to his house not Poland because it was home time he told us, “Oh, shit.  Soz

School hometimeGet out, you little shits.

North Korean Supreme Leader has been outed as a crossdresser and loves to cavort privately in frilly undies, we can reveal.

One of Kim’s special aides managed to leave North Korea last month and has been more than willing to spill the beans on his Kimness.

Wel Ing-Tun, who was a special aide to Kim Jong Un for seven months told us, “He roves nothing more than dressing up in radie’s underwear and prancing about rike rittle girl

Tun continued, “I caught grimpse of him by mistake when walking past door.  I couldn’t help but rook and stare at him!  It was unberieveable!

The aide suggested more of Kim’s aides are trying to leave North Korea too.

There are rots of scared people, they don’t know what he do next.  When he find out we started call him Kim Thong-Un he go mad for sure!  Start broody world war three!

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