North Korean Supreme Leader has been outed as a crossdresser and loves to cavort privately in frilly undies, we can reveal.

One of Kim’s special aides managed to leave North Korea last month and has been more than willing to spill the beans on his Kimness.

Wel Ing-Tun, who was a special aide to Kim Jong Un for seven months told us, “He roves nothing more than dressing up in radie’s underwear and prancing about rike rittle girl

Tun continued, “I caught grimpse of him by mistake when walking past door.  I couldn’t help but rook and stare at him!  It was unberieveable!

The aide suggested more of Kim’s aides are trying to leave North Korea too.

There are rots of scared people, they don’t know what he do next.  When he find out we started call him Kim Thong-Un he go mad for sure!  Start broody world war three!

Murderer and dirty nonce-bag Rose West is being prevented from playing for her Prison football team because of image rights, it is alleged.

Staff at Low Newton prison are fuming that such issues can exist in prison.

I’m mad as hell over this”, prison officer Kendra Profile told our insider, “Imagine image rights getting in the way of playing football in prison, it’s a bloody disgrace!

Profile went on, “It’s just a massive shame it’s come to this, she’s a great goalkeeper, for a big murdering lesbo.  We’ve tipped ourselves to do well in this year’s Inter-Prison Cup and she’s fucking it right up because she wants to be paid.

West is investigating the possibility of being sponsored by both claims and pay day loans companies, with logos to appear on the front of her shirt.

A spokesman for Shithouse Loans told us, “Rose West is notorious, we see ourselves in her.  A bit like Fred did, if you like

I never promised you a garden, Rose

Would-be terrorist Richard Reid has developed an alarming shoe fetish in jail, Monkey on Toast prison analysts can reveal.

Reid, 42 tried to detonate explosives in his shoes during a flight from Paris to Miami in 2001 but was subdued by passengers and later jailed for 3 life terms plus 110 years.

During his incarceration at a maximum security prison he has become increasingly dependent on a range of footwear to get him through his days.

The erratic behaviour of Reid, dubbed the “Shoe Bomber” by the media has become a concern to prison officials.

It is believed the failed fanatic:

  • Obtained a pair of old Reebok Pump basketball shoes via E-bay and turned them into a garden display
  • Parades around prison in stiletto shoes
  • Regularly has sex with pair of fur lined  Espadrilles given to him as a gift
  • Masturbates furiously over a Clark’s shoe catalogue from 1986

Prison officers and fellow inmates have now started to called Red “The Shoe Bummer”.

Still, at least he won’t need to attend Court at any point and can continue to spend his days as a Loafer as he atones for his moccaSINS. 

jim davidson

News reaches Monkey on Toast indicating former comedian Jim Davidson is to become the next James Bond.

Showbiz analysts connected to the “Big Break” presenter Davidson, 62, has signed a deal committing to 3 new films.

The films, expected to be remakes of old Bond titles with new names are:

  • A View to the Nick (Nick)
  • The Spy from Yewtree
  • On Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs

It is thought that Bond’s boss, M, will be replaced by a character known as “Chalky”.  Lennie Henry and Derek Griffiths are in contention for the role.

A source close to Monkey on Toast, Paris Noncemeat told us, “Jim’s had a glittering career as an actor.  He spent years pretending to be a comedian and then starred in shows such as ‘Up the Elephant and round the Castle’ and ‘Home James’.  Both big shows that won countless awards and set him up for a knighthood.

Other sources close to MoT believe Paris Noncemeat to be off her head on gin and cocaine.

We’ll leave it for you to decide.

Officials in Iraq are plotting to use the DNA of former President, dictator and all round bad egg in order to clone him to help fight ISIS.

Monkey on Toast Cloning Analysts have learned that the once feared tyrant, Saddam Hussein, is deemed the only hope of the nation and scientists are looking at using cloning technology to bring him back from the dead.

It is believed Saddam 2 will be used to wage war on extremists such as Islamic State and Jedward.

Scientist Adil Wadi bin Bag told our operatives, “We’re really frightened at the prospect of ISIS taking over Iraq and Syria, our only hope is to bring back Saddam”.

Hussein was hanged in Iraq in 2006 after going on the run during “Gulf War 2 (The search for WMD)”, after being found in a drain with a beard reminiscent of David Bellamy and a subsequent trial for war crimes.

Iraqi’s feel that with the country now spiraling out of control that there is only way to solve it and that’s to bring back the man who controlled the country with an iron rod.

As well as whips, chains, rubbers hoses etc.

 

Page 5 of 7

Copyright © 2000-2017 Monkey on Toast. All rights Reserved.