jim davidson

News reaches Monkey on Toast indicating former comedian Jim Davidson is to become the next James Bond.

Showbiz analysts connected to the “Big Break” presenter Davidson, 62, has signed a deal committing to 3 new films.

The films, expected to be remakes of old Bond titles with new names are:

  • A View to the Nick (Nick)
  • The Spy from Yewtree
  • On Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs

It is thought that Bond’s boss, M, will be replaced by a character known as “Chalky”.  Lennie Henry and Derek Griffiths are in contention for the role.

A source close to Monkey on Toast, Paris Noncemeat told us, “Jim’s had a glittering career as an actor.  He spent years pretending to be a comedian and then starred in shows such as ‘Up the Elephant and round the Castle’ and ‘Home James’.  Both big shows that won countless awards and set him up for a knighthood.

Other sources close to MoT believe Paris Noncemeat to be off her head on gin and cocaine.

We’ll leave it for you to decide.

Would-be terrorist Richard Reid has developed an alarming shoe fetish in jail, Monkey on Toast prison analysts can reveal.

Reid, 42 tried to detonate explosives in his shoes during a flight from Paris to Miami in 2001 but was subdued by passengers and later jailed for 3 life terms plus 110 years.

During his incarceration at a maximum security prison he has become increasingly dependent on a range of footwear to get him through his days.

The erratic behaviour of Reid, dubbed the “Shoe Bomber” by the media has become a concern to prison officials.

It is believed the failed fanatic:

  • Obtained a pair of old Reebok Pump basketball shoes via E-bay and turned them into a garden display
  • Parades around prison in stiletto shoes
  • Regularly has sex with pair of fur lined  Espadrilles given to him as a gift
  • Masturbates furiously over a Clark’s shoe catalogue from 1986

Prison officers and fellow inmates have now started to called Red “The Shoe Bummer”.

Still, at least he won’t need to attend Court at any point and can continue to spend his days as a Loafer as he atones for his moccaSINS. 

The Yorkshire Ripper

 The Yorkshire Ripper, Peter Sutcliffe is to join the jury panel of well loved Saturday Night Dross-Fest "Britain's Got Talent" we can exclusively reveal.

 Sutcliffe, 69, is to replace Amanda Holden as a permanent judge from series 11 in 2017 as the production staff felt that he had more knowledge of the music industry than  the piss poor "actress".

 "It's a real honour for me to join up with Simon Cowell and that faux gay chap Walliams", said The Ripper.

 "I'm going to be quite a hard judge, I certainly won't be pandering to any sob stories about dying relatives.  In fact, I'll cherish that the most"

It is thought that Sutcliffe (still 69) is going to be known on stage as "The Yorkshire Rapper".

Sutcliffe (yes, he's still 69, just checked) is no stranger to music having written and starred in his own musical, "The Yorkshire Ripper - If I had a a hammer" which was a Broadway1 Smash in 2010. 

Holden, some age, is said to be "devo'd" at being replaced by a murdering psychopath, but at least Sutcliffe's never had Les Dennis' balls on his chin.

1 - Broadway, Morecambe.

Officials in Iraq are plotting to use the DNA of former President, dictator and all round bad egg in order to clone him to help fight ISIS.

Monkey on Toast Cloning Analysts have learned that the once feared tyrant, Saddam Hussein, is deemed the only hope of the nation and scientists are looking at using cloning technology to bring him back from the dead.

It is believed Saddam 2 will be used to wage war on extremists such as Islamic State and Jedward.

Scientist Adil Wadi bin Bag told our operatives, “We’re really frightened at the prospect of ISIS taking over Iraq and Syria, our only hope is to bring back Saddam”.

Hussein was hanged in Iraq in 2006 after going on the run during “Gulf War 2 (The search for WMD)”, after being found in a drain with a beard reminiscent of David Bellamy and a subsequent trial for war crimes.

Iraqi’s feel that with the country now spiraling out of control that there is only way to solve it and that’s to bring back the man who controlled the country with an iron rod.

As well as whips, chains, rubbers hoses etc.

 

News has reached Toast Towers that global superstar and simpleton, Kanye West could well be the son of notorious English serial killer, Fred.

It is believed the star was conceived whilst Fred, a builder by trade was on holiday in America in 1976.

Kanye was born in 1977 in California, an area which Fred was carrying out extensive house renovations on at the time.

In a statement to Monkey on Toast lawyers, Kanye's staff told us:

"There is absolutely no similarity at all between a backward idiot from a small town who has a nymphomaniac wife with a huge arse and Fred West."

Serial killer and all round freak, Fred West



Kanye is the splitting image of his father, Fred West.

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