Facebook hit a new low this week when it emerged a man posted a picture of his lunch, only for it to be fake.

Mark Kemp from Kent posted the picture on Facebook with the caption:

Just had a cracking Lobster Thermidor for lunch lads!

Lobster Thermidor

However, it turns out Mark actually had a cheese sandwich for his lunch, followed by a packet of Salt and Vinegar Snack-A-Jacks.

This comes during a turbulent time for Facebook amid a data scandal along with fake news being posted to influence people.

It is believed Mark's account has been suspended pending further action as someone at Facebook investigates his claims he had a Dodo egg for breakfast last Thursday and Unicorn steak for tea on Saturday night.

People who use their mobile phone on speakerphone whilst held out in front of their face at a 45 degree angle could end up being wrong-uns, says the ONS.

The Office of Nonsensical Statistics found that "85% of people who use their phone in public like this

have a greater chance of growing up to be bad nonces."

The organisation interviewed one hundred 14 to 16 year olds and of those who said they used their phones in this way were also interested in shagging 14 year olds.

Which makes them massive paedos innit.

A man from Penistone is lobbying his local MP and NHS Trust in order to get a smear test.

The test is used to detect abnormalities in the cervix such as cancer.

Joshua Darcy who claims he identifies as "A man Monday to Friday but definitely a woman at the weekend" believes it is his right to ask for the test claiming, "Women have it done all the time and as I identify as a woman on the weekend then it is only fair that I get checked out.  I don't want my weekends to be full of Cervical Cancer do I?"

However, his local MP, Geraldine Trump (no relation) says she's tried talking to her constituent several times about it but can't seem "to be heard".

She told a Monkey On Toast Smear Tests for Men Correspondent, "I've tried talking to Josh about it a few times, I've explained that although he identifies as a woman on the weekend, which is is wont he actually has a mans body, he is biologically a man"

Trump continued, "He just doesn't get it.  To be honest, off the record like, he's a bit of a tit."


Being a TV or Film Critic could land you in hot water if you're not careful.

Giving a negative review could be classed as a hate crime according to a Police Officer.

PC McGarry of the Camberwick Green Constabulary told an undercover Monkey on Toast reporter, "Giving a negative review of a film or TV show could hurt the feelings of an actor, actress or director and could be dealt with as a hate crime", the plod said.

"It could land you in the slammer for up to 2 years if found guilty", he continued, "Garry Bushell and Nina Myskow must be fucking shitting it!"

PC McGarry - Nasty bastard

A massive throbber from Loughborough has claimed that separating whites and coloured clothing for washing is "Washing machine apartheid" and should be banned.

The cock womble made the claim at a recent gathering of the "Loughborough Virgins", a clique of knobheads who are unlikely to ever get laid.

In his startling claim, Liam Ballbag-Jones suggested that "Clothes should be put into a wash all together.  Keeping whites and colours apart is damaging to society and suggests a white supremacy".

"Who cares if a red t-shirt runs with a white shirt?", he went on to say, "It'll just give a nice pink shirt, and then you can pretend to be gay, which I'm definitely not!".

When it was put to him that a coloured wash could be done first and therefore could be deemed a priority he had nothing to say, the piss poor virtue signalling jizz trowel.

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