A high court judge has ordered the banning of the words girlfriend and boyfriend in a bid to halt the rising tide of paedophiles in the country. 
  
The ban was started as a petition by a group of left wing simpletons known as “Ponces against Nonces” who believe that by men referring to their unmarried partners as their “girlfriend” suggested the partner in question was under the legal age of consent. 
  
Judge Mike Reinhold told a court, “This is a win for society and helps the fight against fiddlers.” 
  
However, there has been strong opposition against the ruling.  One man, Ryan Hunter told a Monkey on Toast source, “The ruling is ridiculous!  It’s just a word.  My girlfriend is 26 and I’m 27. How does that make me a nonce?” 
  
Meanwhile, Peter File, 58 told us “It’s political correctness gone mad.  Just because we use the word girlfriend doesn’t mean we are dodgy!  My girlfriend told me the other day that her friends have been calling me a paedophile behind my back!  Personally I think that’s a big word for a 13 year old to use.” 
  
The ruling has delighted The Paedo Finder General from Monkey Dust who told us, “You are all paedophiles and will be burnt in hell!” 
He's a cheerful soul.

Dozens of young lads are descending on the Welsh harbour town of Milford Haven each weekend, desperate to get their rocks off with ladies aged between 35 and 50. 
  
The groups of lads, aged between 18 and 25 mistakenly believe the town was named due to a number of MILF’s who are said to inhabit the area. 
  
The acronym MILF, first coined in the film American Pie, doesn’t stand for “Mother, I lost Freddy” and is used to refer to attractive, middle aged & mature ladies. 
  
Word has spread around that the town was “full of ‘em” and lads have been coming from miles around to get their fill. 
  
“We call it MILF Haven”, said Dyffed Jones from Cardiff, who asked not to be named. 
  
Social media has only exacerbated the situation, with Twitter reaching out to lads as far as London. 
  
Draylon Pinkerton from Essex told a Monkey on Toast source, “It’s choc-full of old gash, man!  I’ve been coming here every week for the last month and I’ve never left without getting my end in a bit of bracket and hinge.” 
  
Meanwhile, the residents of Milford Haven have welcomed the extra tourism but warned the place is being overrun. 
  
“It started off quite nice”, said Rita-Sue Andbobtoo (47), “but the last few weeks I’ve been run ragged, I have.  I’m glad when they all go back home on a Sunday night so I can relax!  I can’t walk for half the week afterwards, they leave my fanny like a ravaged windsock” 
  
Meanwhile, Kelly Smunt (25) dismissed the lads behaviour as “disgraceful”. 
  
“It’s a disgrace”, she told us, “I’m in the prime of my life and I can’t get a jump off a young lad!  I don’t want any of the chavvy bastards that live round here, besides I think I’ve had them all.
So when a gang of lads come from somewhere exotic like Essex I wants a crack at that, like.  It’s right pissed me off, it has.” 
  
However the male population have started to fight back against the influx of sex tourists as they try to protect their women from marauding sex pests. 
  
“They come here, use and abuse our women and leave.”, said local taxi driver Barry Island, “Sometimes they’re targeting married women or lezza’s who aren’t interested in young lads.” 
  
The popularity of the town has spread further and the name of the town is now being used refer to describe the hairiness of ladies private parts. 
  
“You won’t believe this”, said Brian ‘Rolf’ Harris, “but the place name is used as rhyming slang!” 
  
It is widely believe that when a lady has removed all her pubic hair she is said to be “Milford Haven” or just “Milford” 
  
Brian continued, “It’s spread like an aggressive moss so it has.  Even my Mrs is using it now.  I was just asking her what she was doing last night in the shower and she shows me her razor. Usually she’s got a fanny like Brian May’s plughole but when I looked she had a massive grin on her face, pointed and shouted MILFORD!” 
 

Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal is set to leave the football club and take up a post suggested by Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn.

louis van gaalThe leftie pacifist leader has put Van Gaal forward for a "buffer defence role" which will ensure that not only will the United Kingdom be defended from ISIS terrorist attacks,but also there will be no retaliatory attacks on ISIS in return.

Van Gaal has been criticised this season for his tactics of scoring no goals and thinks this is the new role for him.

"This is a role I have been preparing for for a long time," said the napalm faced moomin, "I've made a career of being heavily defensive and not striking the opposition."

adele

Pop singer Adele has been suffering from terrible flatulence, Monkey on Toast can reveal.

The singer-songwriter, 27, has been criticised over her weight in the past but had slimmed down by going on a diet after becoming a mother.

However, a mole has informed Toast Towers that Adele has recently regressed and has been scoffing large Doner Kebabs on a nightly basis for the last few weeks.

The fallout of which has been a morning of apple-tarting to such an extent that she has almost gassed herself. 

A source close to the star said, “I went out for coffee with her last week and she was farting like a bastard all morning.  I thought she was going to be rolling in the deep at one point.  She just doesn't seem to find it an issue, she's in fart-denial.”

Rumour has it the Skyfall singer originally penned the lyrics to her smash hit “Hello” after a particularly harrowing ordeal trying to place a telephone order to her favourite takeaway,  Abra-kebabra, in her home town of Tottenham.

We asked Adele to comment on the story she told us, “I want a large Doner, no salad and shit loads of chilli sauce, mate” before launching into a rendition of “Set fire to my ring”.

When asked about her wind problem she denied it, adding, "I'm a lady, I don't do things like that, innit."

Everyone at Toast Towers wishes her all the best and hopes she gets well soon.

And oh, try the chicken kebabs from there, love, they are TO DIE FOR! 

(For the record, that was an actual BBC headline yesterday!)

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