Dozens of young lads are descending on the Welsh harbour town of Milford Haven each weekend, desperate to get their rocks off with ladies aged between 35 and 50. 
  
The groups of lads, aged between 18 and 25 mistakenly believe the town was named due to a number of MILF’s who are said to inhabit the area. 
  
The acronym MILF, first coined in the film American Pie, doesn’t stand for “Mother, I lost Freddy” and is used to refer to attractive, middle aged & mature ladies. 
  
Word has spread around that the town was “full of ‘em” and lads have been coming from miles around to get their fill. 
  
“We call it MILF Haven”, said Dyffed Jones from Cardiff, who asked not to be named. 
  
Social media has only exacerbated the situation, with Twitter reaching out to lads as far as London. 
  
Draylon Pinkerton from Essex told a Monkey on Toast source, “It’s choc-full of old gash, man!  I’ve been coming here every week for the last month and I’ve never left without getting my end in a bit of bracket and hinge.” 
  
Meanwhile, the residents of Milford Haven have welcomed the extra tourism but warned the place is being overrun. 
  
“It started off quite nice”, said Rita-Sue Andbobtoo (47), “but the last few weeks I’ve been run ragged, I have.  I’m glad when they all go back home on a Sunday night so I can relax!  I can’t walk for half the week afterwards, they leave my fanny like a ravaged windsock” 
  
Meanwhile, Kelly Smunt (25) dismissed the lads behaviour as “disgraceful”. 
  
“It’s a disgrace”, she told us, “I’m in the prime of my life and I can’t get a jump off a young lad!  I don’t want any of the chavvy bastards that live round here, besides I think I’ve had them all.
So when a gang of lads come from somewhere exotic like Essex I wants a crack at that, like.  It’s right pissed me off, it has.” 
  
However the male population have started to fight back against the influx of sex tourists as they try to protect their women from marauding sex pests. 
  
“They come here, use and abuse our women and leave.”, said local taxi driver Barry Island, “Sometimes they’re targeting married women or lezza’s who aren’t interested in young lads.” 
  
The popularity of the town has spread further and the name of the town is now being used refer to describe the hairiness of ladies private parts. 
  
“You won’t believe this”, said Brian ‘Rolf’ Harris, “but the place name is used as rhyming slang!” 
  
It is widely believe that when a lady has removed all her pubic hair she is said to be “Milford Haven” or just “Milford” 
  
Brian continued, “It’s spread like an aggressive moss so it has.  Even my Mrs is using it now.  I was just asking her what she was doing last night in the shower and she shows me her razor. Usually she’s got a fanny like Brian May’s plughole but when I looked she had a massive grin on her face, pointed and shouted MILFORD!” 
 

adele

Pop singer Adele has been suffering from terrible flatulence, Monkey on Toast can reveal.

The singer-songwriter, 27, has been criticised over her weight in the past but had slimmed down by going on a diet after becoming a mother.

However, a mole has informed Toast Towers that Adele has recently regressed and has been scoffing large Doner Kebabs on a nightly basis for the last few weeks.

The fallout of which has been a morning of apple-tarting to such an extent that she has almost gassed herself. 

A source close to the star said, “I went out for coffee with her last week and she was farting like a bastard all morning.  I thought she was going to be rolling in the deep at one point.  She just doesn't seem to find it an issue, she's in fart-denial.”

Rumour has it the Skyfall singer originally penned the lyrics to her smash hit “Hello” after a particularly harrowing ordeal trying to place a telephone order to her favourite takeaway,  Abra-kebabra, in her home town of Tottenham.

We asked Adele to comment on the story she told us, “I want a large Doner, no salad and shit loads of chilli sauce, mate” before launching into a rendition of “Set fire to my ring”.

When asked about her wind problem she denied it, adding, "I'm a lady, I don't do things like that, innit."

Everyone at Toast Towers wishes her all the best and hopes she gets well soon.

And oh, try the chicken kebabs from there, love, they are TO DIE FOR! 

(For the record, that was an actual BBC headline yesterday!)

Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal is set to leave the football club and take up a post suggested by Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn.

louis van gaalThe leftie pacifist leader has put Van Gaal forward for a "buffer defence role" which will ensure that not only will the United Kingdom be defended from ISIS terrorist attacks,but also there will be no retaliatory attacks on ISIS in return.

Van Gaal has been criticised this season for his tactics of scoring no goals and thinks this is the new role for him.

"This is a role I have been preparing for for a long time," said the napalm faced moomin, "I've made a career of being heavily defensive and not striking the opposition."

There have been suggestions in the world of athletics of “resetting” the World Records for certain events following the recent doping scandals.

However, this actually takes away a whole host of achievements from athletes who have genuinely set records and have never been involved in using performance enhancing drugs.

Imagine Usain Bolt having set record after record, literally being the fastest man on the planet and having his records wiped clean as if they never happened?

How would you feel?

Is he still the fastest man on earth?  Would he immediately retake the records in his very next race following the reset?  I don’t know.

Would suspicion of drug taking be cast on him if he did?  Even if he was 100% clean?

Whilst I am not a fan of athletics it is clear that it’s a sport in turmoil.  There are athletes getting away with taking drugs, some setting records, some not – in which you’d have to question how “performance enhancing” they really are if they’re not winning anything.  Something clearly needs to be done to clean up the sport, but I’m not sure the answer is resetting the records.

It’d be like setting a load of World Records on Track N Field and then realising they’re lost when the machine’s turned off at night!

 

some pissed off looking athletesSome pissed off looking athletes earlier.

And where would it end?  With the world becoming far too politically correct we could end up going down the track of soft schools where competition is bad because it upsets the shit kids.

In school sports day it doesn’t matter what position you end up in the 100 metres sprint, you’re all winners!  No you’re bloody not, the winner is the person who runs fastest and comes first.

It’s a race, not a fucking country walk, let’s not dumb down sports any further.

The kid who comes 10th cries because he didn’t win, he should have run faster then!  Don’t praise him and tell him he’s brilliant runner and a winner in his own unique way, because clearly he’s not fast enough.

It’s no wonder athletes take performance enhancing drugs when they’re brought up like this is it?  If you’re consistently coming dead last in the 100 metre sprint that particular event is not for you , give it up, don’t go out and take some Nandralone.

Competition is a good thing, clean competition is better.

But how far will the political correctness go with regards to sport and history?

How long before Liverpool cry that it’s been 30 years since they last won the Football League and as a result they’re all feeling jolly well emotional about the whole ruddy thing.  Wouldn’t it be just wizard if the Premier League wouldn’t mind losing their history and maybe letting Liverpool win it this year, just so they can say they’ve won it and you know, they’re the first club to win the (New) Premier League.  Thanks awfully, la. 

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