Pop singer Adele has been suffering from terrible flatulence, Monkey on Toast can reveal.

The singer-songwriter, 27, has been criticised over her weight in the past but had slimmed down by going on a diet after becoming a mother.

However, a mole has informed Toast Towers that Adele has recently regressed and has been scoffing large Doner Kebabs on a nightly basis for the last few weeks.

The fallout of which has been a morning of apple-tarting to such an extent that she has almost gassed herself. 

A source close to the star said, “I went out for coffee with her last week and she was farting like a bastard all morning.  I thought she was going to be rolling in the deep at one point.  She just doesn't seem to find it an issue, she's in fart-denial.”

Rumour has it the Skyfall singer originally penned the lyrics to her smash hit “Hello” after a particularly harrowing ordeal trying to place a telephone order to her favourite takeaway,  Abra-kebabra, in her home town of Tottenham.

We asked Adele to comment on the story she told us, “I want a large Doner, no salad and shit loads of chilli sauce, mate” before launching into a rendition of “Set fire to my ring”.

When asked about her wind problem she denied it, adding, "I'm a lady, I don't do things like that, innit."

Everyone at Toast Towers wishes her all the best and hopes she gets well soon.

And oh, try the chicken kebabs from there, love, they are TO DIE FOR! 

(For the record, that was an actual BBC headline yesterday!)

Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal is set to leave the football club and take up a post suggested by Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn.

louis van gaalThe leftie pacifist leader has put Van Gaal forward for a "buffer defence role" which will ensure that not only will the United Kingdom be defended from ISIS terrorist attacks,but also there will be no retaliatory attacks on ISIS in return.

Van Gaal has been criticised this season for his tactics of scoring no goals and thinks this is the new role for him.

"This is a role I have been preparing for for a long time," said the napalm faced moomin, "I've made a career of being heavily defensive and not striking the opposition."

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