The Yorkshire Ripper

 The Yorkshire Ripper, Peter Sutcliffe is to join the jury panel of well loved Saturday Night Dross-Fest "Britain's Got Talent" we can exclusively reveal.

 Sutcliffe, 69, is to replace Amanda Holden as a permanent judge from series 11 in 2017 as the production staff felt that he had more knowledge of the music industry than  the piss poor "actress".

 "It's a real honour for me to join up with Simon Cowell and that faux gay chap Walliams", said The Ripper.

 "I'm going to be quite a hard judge, I certainly won't be pandering to any sob stories about dying relatives.  In fact, I'll cherish that the most"

It is thought that Sutcliffe (still 69) is going to be known on stage as "The Yorkshire Rapper".

Sutcliffe (yes, he's still 69, just checked) is no stranger to music having written and starred in his own musical, "The Yorkshire Ripper - If I had a a hammer" which was a Broadway1 Smash in 2010. 

Holden, some age, is said to be "devo'd" at being replaced by a murdering psychopath, but at least Sutcliffe's never had Les Dennis' balls on his chin.

1 - Broadway, Morecambe.

News has reached Toast Towers that global superstar and simpleton, Kanye West could well be the son of notorious English serial killer, Fred.

It is believed the star was conceived whilst Fred, a builder by trade was on holiday in America in 1976.

Kanye was born in 1977 in California, an area which Fred was carrying out extensive house renovations on at the time.

In a statement to Monkey on Toast lawyers, Kanye's staff told us:

"There is absolutely no similarity at all between a backward idiot from a small town who has a nymphomaniac wife with a huge arse and Fred West."

Serial killer and all round freak, Fred West

Kanye is the splitting image of his father, Fred West.

Richard Madeley look-a-like in Llama smuggling scandal

As news broke of Johnny Depp’s confession that he illegally smuggled his pet dog into Australia, news reaches Toast Towers that a Richard Madeley look-a-like tried to smuggle his pet Llama into Serbia.

It is alleged that Sam Fabric, 44 from Kent was driving to Belgrade when he was stopped by officials on the motorway.

Sam, who makes his living attending the opening of shops and the occasional shoplifting from Bargain Booze was forced to open the boot of his car where to everyone’s surprise was his pet llama, Alan.

Sam claims he didn’t know Alan was in the car despite getting onto the continent via the Channel Tunnel and driving through various countries.

It is believed Sam was travelling to “Llamageddon”, an annual Llama fighting event held in Belgrade and definitely not a small town in Wales when he was stopped.

Nemanja Trouserfield, a spokesman for the Serbian authorities told an MoT source, “We are trying to crack down on this Llama fighting as it’s cruel and unkind to the animals”.

Alan is currently being cared for by a specialist Llama team whilst the investigation continues.

llamaAlan, yesterday

If charged and found guilty, Sam could spend up to 10 years in prison and even face the death penalty.

We contacted Amnesty International to ask if they were aware of Sam’s plight but were told, “We’re not arsed to be fair.  Serves the fucker right for looking like Richard Madeley.  Let him rot

Judy Finnigan was unsuitable for comment. 

Supermarkets are set to revamp their internet shopping portals in a bid to make them more realistic, Monkey on Toast Retail Analysts can exclusively reveal. 
The plan, yet to be formally announced will see the big 4 Supermarkets come together to collaborate on a range of technology to bring the supermarket experience to the customer’s home or work desk. 
The system is expected to feature the best parts of shopping along with the more challenging elements, designed to get people to appreciate the supermarkets more and bring them back in store. 
The system, currently codenamed “Operation Desperation” is expected to utilise a layer of features dependent on the supermarket itself. 
For example, Ocado, the upmarket online presence for Waitrose is planning on interrupting the user’s experience with a selection of attractive ladies in various states of dress. 
A supermarket insider told our analysts, “Tesco is planning to suddenly pull offers while the user is buying the item, for example a 2 for £4 offer will suddenly change to £5 each.” 
However, it is thought the superstore will randomly display pictures of Liz Hurley to counteract the negative experience. 
Value supermarkets Aldi and Lidl will  use the lower layer of the platform and will interrupt your shopping by showing you pictures of obese women with no teeth and see through leggings shouting at a kid called “Liam” (pronounced Leeummm) who has thrown himself on the floor, kids eating sweets before they’ve been to the checkout and smelly blokes looking for cheap cider. 
Every little helps.

Former celebrity and dead nonce Jimmy Savile is said to haunt grandmother as he pesters for sex on a daily basis.

Lewis Hamm from Lewisham claims the dead paedo appears when she goes to bed of an evening, waking her up by standing next to her bed and talking to her.

He appears every night”, says Lewis, “not long after nan’s gone to bed she hears a voice as the ghostly apparition begs to have its naughty way with her

Lewis tells a Monkey on Toast Ghost Team member that the ghost is always dressed in a shell suit and pesters her for sex while shouting out “Now then! Now then!”, an aggressive means of trying to get Lewis’ granny to take off her nightie.

Sometimes nan just gives in and lets Jimmy have his way”, Lewis tells us to some horror, “and afterwards he’ll get out a cigar, turn to nan and ask ‘How’s about that?’”

jimmy savile dirty nonce

We contacted renowned ghost hunter Peter Venkman but it turns out he was just a character in a film.

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