Following the loss of "The Great British Bake Off" to Channel 4, we can exclusively reveal the BBC is currently producing their own baking show.

"The Great Brexit Cake Off" will continue where "GBBO" left off, with people making cakes and shitty jokes.

And for fans of Mel and Sue, don't worry as there will still be a Mel and Sue around the place on the new show.

The BBC has hired Melvyn Hayes and Sue Cook, who hasn't worked since Crimewatch and it seems has aged terribly.

(I used to fancy the pants off her, Ed)

Mel and Sue, the new Mel and Sue

The new show begins immediately after the old one, and will cost £15,000 a year to make.

Fans of the original show are devastated but are coming round to the idea of a homegrown BBC show, featuring delicacies such as Rice Krispie Cakes, Corn Flake Cakes and Flapjacks.

"I love Bake Off!", said one boring bastard, "It's the best thing on TV by far!"

A leaked script has made its way into the hands of an MoT mole and already there are plans for the naughty jokes to continue.

We're able to publish the following excerpt:

Mel: Hey Sue!  How's your cupcake doing?

Sue: Oh Mel, it's moist.  Its positively sopping wet, think I drizzled too much.

Mel: Like your vagina?

Sue: I wish, I'm as dry as a dead dingo's donger these days

Mel: Oh.

Sue: What about you? How's your French Stick coming along?

Mel: Oh, it's gone a bit stale to be honest.  It hasn't gone hard though.  It never does these days.

Sue: That's a shame, I was looking forward to munching on your hot beef baguette

Mel: Isn't this supposed to be about baking?  We're just flirting with each other and using food as euphemisms for our genitalia

Sue: Well, the old Mel and Sue did it.

Mel: Yeah, but one of them was a (mouths silently) LESBIAN

Sue: Shit the bed, Mel.


 Sports goods retailer Sports Direct is to pay their staff with Bags for Life, we can exclusively reveal.

 The retailer has come under considerable criticism of late as it transpired they were paying staff less than the new "Minimum Wage", also known as the  "National  Living Wage".

 The company who is fronted by Newcastle United owner, Mike Cashley hit upon the idea in a bid to save the company from spending more than it needs to.

  A senior source told our mole, "Since we got bollocked by the Government we've started to pay people properly now but we owe what is commonly known as 'a  shit load' of back pay, and it seems we can do that with goods rather than money"

The plan, hatched by what is known in the trade as "a complete cunt", allows the company to pass on goods in lieu of money.

"Nobody buys the bags", continued our source, "so we've got a fuck load of them sat around.  At a pound a go we're shifting them onto the employees who are owed back pay"

It is thought the move will start a run of auctions on Ebay, as employees try to sell the brand new bags for less than the £1 value.

Financial experts are worried.

We spoke to a financial expert, Hogan Griffin-Tempest, who told us, "We've got to be careful, this could be more of a threat than that Brexit thing we were wrong about"


North Korean Supreme Leader, Kim Jong-Un has insisted the new Pokemon Go game should only contain Pokemon characters that resemble himself.

Speaking at a gaming convention in Dusseldorf, one leading programmer told us, “Kim just doesn’t like the concept of players hunting for little monsters and thinks that if people are putting their effort into locating characters to worship it should be him”.

Claus Bucksfizz continued, “We’ve had to amend the version that’s available in North Korea, it’s crazy really.  But then again, he is bonkers in the nut


Mega-Nonce Don Clifton is luring kids to his house by claiming his yard contains “loads of Pokemon”.

The kiddy fiddler, jailed 4 times for molesting children over the space of 30 years is using the new Pokemon Go game to encourage children to enter his garden.

So he can try to enter them.

Dirty Don, 62 was quick to put signs up outside his house to catch on the new game-craze but it seems local residents have thwarted his attempts.

He’s a right dirty old man”, said one resident, “he’s been trying to get kids in his garden for days now

We dressed an undercover analyst up as a child, armed with an iPhone and a tazer and sent her into his yard.

When Don came out to speak to her he told her that “some of the Pokemon in the garden are hiding, but inside there’s one that looks like a sausage

When our undercover agent revealed herself to be an adult, Don became defensive but did concede that he “gotta catch ‘em all

 It is believed Mohamed Lahouaiej Bouhlel was playing the new “Pokemon Go” game when he drove a truck through crowds of people on the Promenade des Anglais.

 It was widely reported on Friday that the “accident” was a terrorist attack, however, ISIS officials have been quick to deny it was their doing.

 “I’m afraid this fella wasn’t one of ours”, Al-bin Stardust told our analyst.

 He continued, “Mohamed was not an ISIS operative.  We’d be happy to claim he was, but he just wasn’t”.

 A spokesman for the French police, Pierre Pardew said, “It appears we were a little hasty, it wasn’t a terror attack at all.  He was playing that bloody Pokemon Go game  whilst driving and ploughed into  all these people.  Then he got out and started shooting

 “He was shouting Pikachu Akbar!  Pikachu Akbar! as he shot.  He must have thought he was shooting at Pokemon characters.

We apologise for thinking he was a terrorist.

Bill Murray was unavailable for comment.

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