Supermarkets are set to revamp their internet shopping portals in a bid to make them more realistic, Monkey on Toast Retail Analysts can exclusively reveal. 
The plan, yet to be formally announced will see the big 4 Supermarkets come together to collaborate on a range of technology to bring the supermarket experience to the customer’s home or work desk. 
The system is expected to feature the best parts of shopping along with the more challenging elements, designed to get people to appreciate the supermarkets more and bring them back in store. 
The system, currently codenamed “Operation Desperation” is expected to utilise a layer of features dependent on the supermarket itself. 
For example, Ocado, the upmarket online presence for Waitrose is planning on interrupting the user’s experience with a selection of attractive ladies in various states of dress. 
A supermarket insider told our analysts, “Tesco is planning to suddenly pull offers while the user is buying the item, for example a 2 for £4 offer will suddenly change to £5 each.” 
However, it is thought the superstore will randomly display pictures of Liz Hurley to counteract the negative experience. 
Value supermarkets Aldi and Lidl will  use the lower layer of the platform and will interrupt your shopping by showing you pictures of obese women with no teeth and see through leggings shouting at a kid called “Liam” (pronounced Leeummm) who has thrown himself on the floor, kids eating sweets before they’ve been to the checkout and smelly blokes looking for cheap cider. 
Every little helps.

Richard Madeley look-a-like in Llama smuggling scandal

As news broke of Johnny Depp’s confession that he illegally smuggled his pet dog into Australia, news reaches Toast Towers that a Richard Madeley look-a-like tried to smuggle his pet Llama into Serbia.

It is alleged that Sam Fabric, 44 from Kent was driving to Belgrade when he was stopped by officials on the motorway.

Sam, who makes his living attending the opening of shops and the occasional shoplifting from Bargain Booze was forced to open the boot of his car where to everyone’s surprise was his pet llama, Alan.

Sam claims he didn’t know Alan was in the car despite getting onto the continent via the Channel Tunnel and driving through various countries.

It is believed Sam was travelling to “Llamageddon”, an annual Llama fighting event held in Belgrade and definitely not a small town in Wales when he was stopped.

Nemanja Trouserfield, a spokesman for the Serbian authorities told an MoT source, “We are trying to crack down on this Llama fighting as it’s cruel and unkind to the animals”.

Alan is currently being cared for by a specialist Llama team whilst the investigation continues.

llamaAlan, yesterday

If charged and found guilty, Sam could spend up to 10 years in prison and even face the death penalty.

We contacted Amnesty International to ask if they were aware of Sam’s plight but were told, “We’re not arsed to be fair.  Serves the fucker right for looking like Richard Madeley.  Let him rot

Judy Finnigan was unsuitable for comment. 

Whilst some councils are making cutbacks to refuse collection, opting to collect every 2 to 3 weeks instead of weekly, the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea are increasing collections and the number of bins available.
Some areas have rolled out multiple bins for waste, recyclables and garden waste, however the Kensington area are to receive bins to further categorise their waste.
"We're pleased to announce that our waste handling capacity has been extended which means we're able to roll out extra bins to handle garden waste, gluten free food, cous-cous and lobster", said Elton Mowbray, a spokesman for the council.
"We are finding more and more people are becoming gluten intolerent and as a result we have a duty of care to our residents to provide a safe place to dispose of their specialist food waste"
The extra bins will be collected on alternate weeks with garden waste being collected Wednesday, Gluten free on Thursday and the Cous-cous and lobster on Fridays.
Hackney Borough Council is pleased to have signed a long term contract to provide gluten free food and cous-cous to local schools and care homes also on alternate Thursdays and Fridays.

Former celebrity and dead nonce Jimmy Savile is said to haunt grandmother as he pesters for sex on a daily basis.

Lewis Hamm from Lewisham claims the dead paedo appears when she goes to bed of an evening, waking her up by standing next to her bed and talking to her.

He appears every night”, says Lewis, “not long after nan’s gone to bed she hears a voice as the ghostly apparition begs to have its naughty way with her

Lewis tells a Monkey on Toast Ghost Team member that the ghost is always dressed in a shell suit and pesters her for sex while shouting out “Now then! Now then!”, an aggressive means of trying to get Lewis’ granny to take off her nightie.

Sometimes nan just gives in and lets Jimmy have his way”, Lewis tells us to some horror, “and afterwards he’ll get out a cigar, turn to nan and ask ‘How’s about that?’”

jimmy savile dirty nonce

We contacted renowned ghost hunter Peter Venkman but it turns out he was just a character in a film.

A high court judge has ordered the banning of the words girlfriend and boyfriend in a bid to halt the rising tide of paedophiles in the country. 
The ban was started as a petition by a group of left wing simpletons known as “Ponces against Nonces” who believe that by men referring to their unmarried partners as their “girlfriend” suggested the partner in question was under the legal age of consent. 
Judge Mike Reinhold told a court, “This is a win for society and helps the fight against fiddlers.” 
However, there has been strong opposition against the ruling.  One man, Ryan Hunter told a Monkey on Toast source, “The ruling is ridiculous!  It’s just a word.  My girlfriend is 26 and I’m 27. How does that make me a nonce?” 
Meanwhile, Peter File, 58 told us “It’s political correctness gone mad.  Just because we use the word girlfriend doesn’t mean we are dodgy!  My girlfriend told me the other day that her friends have been calling me a paedophile behind my back!  Personally I think that’s a big word for a 13 year old to use.” 
The ruling has delighted The Paedo Finder General from Monkey Dust who told us, “You are all paedophiles and will be burnt in hell!” 
He's a cheerful soul.

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