A Tory MP has been accused of Filibustering during a House of Commons debate to ban Filibustering.


Wankers, yesterday.

Brendan Gobshite, MP for Kanye West is accused of attempting to derail the "Talking Nonsense Act 2016" from being passed by talking non-stop for 60 minutes about absolutely nothing.

The debate for the Bill follows an online petition in which there were in excess of 250,000 signatures in order to end the delaying tactic.

Gobshite is no stranger to talking rot, his previous debating topics include:

  • The change of Marathon to Snickers bars
  • Cornflakes
  • The origin of USB
  • Cakes through the centuries

It is thought the Bill will not be debated again until 2017, hopefully on a day when Gobshite is off sick.

Following on from the "One off" return of classic 80's and 90's TV Gameshow, "The Crystal Maze", Monkey on Toast TV is proud to annouce a new gameshow:

The Fritzl Maze Starring Josef Fritzl

In this original show, contestants have to escape from a secret underground bunker, pictured.

By travelling through each room and picking up points the contestants will be able to use the points, if they're lucky to escape.

You know what points make, prizes.

But it won't be an easy task as the contestants have to navigate through tight rooms whilst avoiding obstacles such as Water Traps, Rapists and "Mass Bummings".

Pictured above are just some of the points that can be won for escaping some of the rooms, converted into prizes at the end, just like at the arcades in Blackpool.

Ryan Giggs is to be in line for every single British football manager post for the next 20 years, a football insider tells us.

The former Manchester United star and general snake has been out of work since Jose Mourinho told him to fuck off in July.

However, despite having done his coaching badges and the grand total of 4 games in charge of a first team he is said to be in line for any management jobs that come up in British football.

Giggs, who shagged his own sister in law for several years is said to be desperate to get back into management, and therefore will be linked with all available jobs for the next 20 years.

It will become law that he will be linked with the Cardiff and Swansea jobs several times a year, simply because he is Welsh.

Naturally the Welsh Wizard has his eye on a top job, a source close to him said, "He has his eye on a top job.  I have my eye on him though, I think he's got his eye on my wife"

Giggs was unavailable for comment.  He just stood there staring, with his mouth open.

The gormless prick.

Tramps are moving up in the world and are now accepting payment by PayPal and Contactless cards, we can exclusively reveal.

The Association of British Tramps (ABT) confirmed to us earlier today that a new Tramp Payment System (TiPS) will be in force from 15th November.  This means that vagrants, dossers and loafers will no longer need to rely on asking the Great British public for "Spare change".

The standard response of "Sorry pal, not got anything on me" as you walk past jingling, will be met with a "Well I take card payments now.  And PayPal"

To which hilarity will ensure when you reply, "You're not my Pal, Pal."

 

British Telecom has responded to Vodafone’s move to stop charging customers for line rental with a “jaw dropping deal”.

Head of Broadband for Open Reach, Miles Behind, has reacted with “positive news” for customers of the BT owned firm.

“We understand the need to compete with other broadband providers and that is why from 1st November 2016 we will be able to offer to our customers completely unmetered dial-up connections”

Behind went one step further to revealing the companies’ plans for the future, “We know we have to reinvest heavily as we always have.  In fact, this last year we’ve reinvested a whole £50 into our broadband solutions”.

“I’m pleased to announce that as of 1st January 2017 customers will be able to sign up for 1 megabit connections”

“We are always at the forefront of technology”, Behind continued, “we have some of the most talented engineers around bringing the fastest internet connections to everyone”

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