Tramps are moving up in the world and are now accepting payment by PayPal and Contactless cards, we can exclusively reveal.

The Association of British Tramps (ABT) confirmed to us earlier today that a new Tramp Payment System (TiPS) will be in force from 15th November.  This means that vagrants, dossers and loafers will no longer need to rely on asking the Great British public for "Spare change".

The standard response of "Sorry pal, not got anything on me" as you walk past jingling, will be met with a "Well I take card payments now.  And PayPal"

To which hilarity will ensure when you reply, "You're not my Pal, Pal."

 

Ryan Giggs is to be in line for every single British football manager post for the next 20 years, a football insider tells us.

The former Manchester United star and general snake has been out of work since Jose Mourinho told him to fuck off in July.

However, despite having done his coaching badges and the grand total of 4 games in charge of a first team he is said to be in line for any management jobs that come up in British football.

Giggs, who shagged his own sister in law for several years is said to be desperate to get back into management, and therefore will be linked with all available jobs for the next 20 years.

It will become law that he will be linked with the Cardiff and Swansea jobs several times a year, simply because he is Welsh.

Naturally the Welsh Wizard has his eye on a top job, a source close to him said, "He has his eye on a top job.  I have my eye on him though, I think he's got his eye on my wife"

Giggs was unavailable for comment.  He just stood there staring, with his mouth open.

The gormless prick.

Following the loss of "The Great British Bake Off" to Channel 4, we can exclusively reveal the BBC is currently producing their own baking show.

"The Great Brexit Cake Off" will continue where "GBBO" left off, with people making cakes and shitty jokes.

And for fans of Mel and Sue, don't worry as there will still be a Mel and Sue around the place on the new show.

The BBC has hired Melvyn Hayes and Sue Cook, who hasn't worked since Crimewatch and it seems has aged terribly.

(I used to fancy the pants off her, Ed)

Mel and Sue, the new Mel and Sue

The new show begins immediately after the old one, and will cost £15,000 a year to make.

Fans of the original show are devastated but are coming round to the idea of a homegrown BBC show, featuring delicacies such as Rice Krispie Cakes, Corn Flake Cakes and Flapjacks.

"I love Bake Off!", said one boring bastard, "It's the best thing on TV by far!"

A leaked script has made its way into the hands of an MoT mole and already there are plans for the naughty jokes to continue.

We're able to publish the following excerpt:

Mel: Hey Sue!  How's your cupcake doing?

Sue: Oh Mel, it's moist.  Its positively sopping wet, think I drizzled too much.

Mel: Like your vagina?

Sue: I wish, I'm as dry as a dead dingo's donger these days

Mel: Oh.

Sue: What about you? How's your French Stick coming along?

Mel: Oh, it's gone a bit stale to be honest.  It hasn't gone hard though.  It never does these days.

Sue: That's a shame, I was looking forward to munching on your hot beef baguette

Mel: Isn't this supposed to be about baking?  We're just flirting with each other and using food as euphemisms for our genitalia

Sue: Well, the old Mel and Sue did it.

Mel: Yeah, but one of them was a (mouths silently) LESBIAN

Sue: Shit the bed, Mel.

 

British Telecom has responded to Vodafone’s move to stop charging customers for line rental with a “jaw dropping deal”.

Head of Broadband for Open Reach, Miles Behind, has reacted with “positive news” for customers of the BT owned firm.

“We understand the need to compete with other broadband providers and that is why from 1st November 2016 we will be able to offer to our customers completely unmetered dial-up connections”

Behind went one step further to revealing the companies’ plans for the future, “We know we have to reinvest heavily as we always have.  In fact, this last year we’ve reinvested a whole £50 into our broadband solutions”.

“I’m pleased to announce that as of 1st January 2017 customers will be able to sign up for 1 megabit connections”

“We are always at the forefront of technology”, Behind continued, “we have some of the most talented engineers around bringing the fastest internet connections to everyone”

 Sports goods retailer Sports Direct is to pay their staff with Bags for Life, we can exclusively reveal.

 The retailer has come under considerable criticism of late as it transpired they were paying staff less than the new "Minimum Wage", also known as the  "National  Living Wage".

 The company who is fronted by Newcastle United owner, Mike Cashley hit upon the idea in a bid to save the company from spending more than it needs to.

  A senior source told our mole, "Since we got bollocked by the Government we've started to pay people properly now but we owe what is commonly known as 'a  shit load' of back pay, and it seems we can do that with goods rather than money"

The plan, hatched by what is known in the trade as "a complete cunt", allows the company to pass on goods in lieu of money.

"Nobody buys the bags", continued our source, "so we've got a fuck load of them sat around.  At a pound a go we're shifting them onto the employees who are owed back pay"

It is thought the move will start a run of auctions on Ebay, as employees try to sell the brand new bags for less than the £1 value.

Financial experts are worried.

We spoke to a financial expert, Hogan Griffin-Tempest, who told us, "We've got to be careful, this could be more of a threat than that Brexit thing we were wrong about"

 

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