Have you seen these awful fake adverts that seem to be all the rage at the moment?

I did have a link the other day to a site that claimed Ant McPartlin of Ant & Dec was heavily invested in a program which traded Bitcoins automatically for him which made him thousands of pounds a week.

The link is here.

The odd thing is the content of the web page has completely changed in the last 2 days, and it's now entirely about I'm a Celebrity instead although the original title has remained.

So that's pissed on my Mr Chips a little.  However, a little bit of Googling has thrown up this article instead, which is very similar.

Just to prove I'm not a lying toad.

The point of this rant though is to highlight the massive amount of crap that appear as adverts on sites including Facebook, people believe them to be true because there's a so called celebrity endorsement.

I mean, does Ant McPartlin, a man who got bladdered then drove his car into someone else's strike you as an astute businessman, or a bit of a tool?

If you saw an advert that said, "Ant from Ant & Dec Man has made millions of pounds a week by just looking at pictures of horses on 2 websites, you can do it too!" would you believe it?

Neigh.

So why would you believe that there's a software programme out there that make you rich for doing fuck all?  Doesn't sound at all suspicious?  You think Ant from Ant & Dec Man is sat in rehab rubbing his hands together because a computer programme has just sold 15 Bitcoins and made him a fuck-ton of cash?  Of course, that's totally plausible.

And where did Ant from Ant & Dec Man get to hear about this programme, known as Bitcoin Revolution? Why, on Dragons' Den of course.

Which is very odd, because Peter Jones also uses a program called Bitcoin Formula to make thousands a week by doing nothing! And it was all because of Dragons' Den!

What a co-incidence.

I mean, the BIGGEST deal on Dragon's Den ever apparently and it never made the actual news, just some scamming web-shites?

Who would have thought it eh?

I mean, that website above is just awful.  Yes, it contains pictures of Peter Jones et al, looking like they're having an absolutely wizard time on the show but aside from some narrative that says Deborah Meaden had bought her first Bitcoin (during the pitch?!) and that the Dragons were really eager to invest, where is the actual footage of this happening?

Oh, is it because it didn't fucking happen?

I think so, my friends.

There's a picture at the top of the article that shows the 2 entrepreneurs, which is what the adverts refers them as, no names at all.  Not even a pair of fake names!

Who on earth falls for this shit?

Just take a look at the testimonials too:

bitcoin scam lily

Yes, Lilly really does look like the type of person to randomly hand over hundreds of pounds to complete strangers on the internet.

And then you have this one which has been doing the rounds for ages now:

fake news antenna

There are similar adverts like this which claims to be an antenna which will replace your cable system.

Yes, that's called Freeview, love.  Notice how none of the adverts ever list the channels you'll be able to receive?  That's because if it does work you'll get the terrestrial channels only.

Why would you replace your cable system for this?  You wouldn't.  

This one is a classic!

Developed by a NASA engineer (yeah, honest) it says we can, "Never Pay For Cable Or Subscriptions Again? This Device Allows You To Watch Anything For Free"

Anything?

This "new 'super' antenna that can pick up over-the-air TV signals no other antenna was able to pick up before. So you get over 100 channels completely free and legal".

Sounds like bullshit to me.

It's a set top box you connect to your TV aerial, and wow, it picks up terrestrial TV just like any other Freeview box.

These are just some of the worst kind of fake adverts around at the moment, I'm sure we'll see more.  I know we have some right mongs here in Britain but I'm certain there can't be that many people actually falling for them!

If you spot any good ones This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. so we can take the piss out of them!

 

Flo and Joan.  If these two were a disease they'd be Bubonic AIDS.

What in the fuckery is the Nationwide Building Society doing making adverts giving airtime to these talentless simpletons?

I don't know which is which, as I refer to them as Cunt1 and Cunt2 but the one on the left looks like she's contracted Downs Syndrome from a Chimpanzee.

I'm aware they're not really called Flo and Joan, that's a stage name as apparently they're a "comedy" act.

They're not funny in the slightest, and I don't understand why companies continue to make awful adverts like this.

At least the shitty  E-bay adverts have stopped now, these need to.

 

Woohooooo!

There's a new trend in adverts at the moment for people to make silly "Woohoo" noises.

Really accentuated, really annoying woohoo noises at that.

It started last year in a holiday advert featuring Kerry Godliman and seems to have picked up.  Quickbooks were massive culprits in January with their tax return adverts.

Now there's something else that features a long woofuckinghoo and it's pissing me right off.

Get some original ideas in adverts for fucks sake, just don't use Flo and Fucking Joan.

 

According to this advert, "Antibiotics, we're wonderful pills, but don't ever think we'll cure all of your ills"

Sounds fair enough, I don't expect them to sort out my farmers, but I really don't understand the advert's greater meaning.

What it tells us is that antibiotics shouldn't be taken for just anything, and rightly so.  But one question, who the fuck is?

Antibiotics can only be obtained with a prescription, not over the counter like your Canesten.

So that assumes you've been lucky enough to see a GP who has given you a prescription for your ailment.

It's hard enough to get a GP appointment within 5 days, unless you're practically at deaths door but then you'd go to A&E anyway.  And GP's are notoriously reluctant to give out antibiotics these days unless they're absolutely necessary.

So where does this advert think we're getting all these lovely AB's from to take willy-nilly?

As far as I'm aware there isn't an easy to access black market (racist - Ed) where you can buy a load of Amoxicillin on the off chance that rash on your cock is curable without having surgery.

(Although I hope there is)

It just seems a silly advert, completely pointless.

 

Ain't nobody, loves me better


That TUI advert is not just AIDS, it's Bad AIDS.

In fact, if it was a meal, it would be AIDS Benedict.

I absolutely despise this advert.  It's made by cunts for cunts and contains utter cunts.

Look at that woman up there, you could fit a pound coin between them teeth.  She's such a smug bitch.

"Oh look at me, I'm going on holiday"

Yeah, hopefully you fall off the balcony, you fucking jizzwhisk.

And the music!

They've taken a classic by Rufus and Chaka Khan and sort of just pretended to be a posh Brit by more or less talking the lyrics of the song in the same way that Ellie Goulding and all of her ilk do in their "songs".

There's a thing at the moment for taking good 80's tracks and just royally fucking them up.  Stop it!

TUI - Pooey more like.

 

I hate these shitty Christmas adverts that Ebay run on the radio, every damn ad break.

There's 2 of them, and they're both bad, bad AIDS.

The adverts follow a theme, person is opening present.

They read out the name of who it's for - that would be them, right?

They make a comment on the paper, snowmen or whatever and how well wrapped it is.

Then they've got into it and it's something they've wanted for ages.

In one case it's a pair of trainers which are apparently sold out everywhere.  Lucky for them, somebody bought them some knock-offs or stolen ones from Ebay.

In the other advert, the woman does a mini intake of breath followed by a huge intake whilst she exclaims, "No way!  I have wanted this fitness track for AGES!  How did you know?"

Probably because you've not stopped banging on about the fucking thing for months, love.

What the advert doesn't then go on to explain is that in the case of the trainers, they are indeed cheap knock-offs, made by Oddidas, and they don't fit the chap because he's a size 8 and these Claire Rayners are a size H.

And sorry love, your fitness tracker is broken.  Dead on arrival, see.

But it's OK, you can return it for a full refund or replacement, right?

Oh, what do you mean it was bought 2nd hand from someone who received a bunch of them off the back of a lorry and they're all fucked?  No, you've got rights, right?  

Well, you thought so until you realise that the seller ABC999 was a fly-by-night Ebay account who's sold a load of stuff and then closed their account.

Ah.

Ebay, fill your cart with disputes.

Merry Christmas.

As I do a bit of driving, commuting to and from work I listen to the radio, a lot.

Because I don't listen to pap like Radio 1 or whatever it's called these days (apparently Bruno Brookes isn't on anymore and it's not on 275 and 285 either) I have to endure commercial radio station adverts.

And by god there's some shit ones.

One of my favourites though is the one for the Hedgehog Gutter Brush.  I heard it for the first time in a couple of years the other day, I was delighted.

Anyway, shit adverts on the radio.

Have you ever heard an advert on the radio and a couple of weeks later it's been altered?

Well, Local Heroes, the Rated People equivalent by British Gas has a campaign at the moment that begins with a woman whose accent is VERY South Western.

It started with (say this in a Wurzels accent and you're cooking on gas, British Gas):

"If you have to scream and shout if you've a U-bend that needs straightening out"

But last week it's changed to:

"If you have to scream and shout if your plumbing's gone right up the spout".

Why have they changed it?

I bet some utter dick has complained because someone literally tried to straighten a U-bend.  Even though I'd have thought it was obvious that "straighten out" means fix, it's a nice play on words.

And then there's the current Tesco advert which is to advertise their 1 day grocery deliveries.

It's one of those adverts that can't just settle for telling us things, no, they have to use sound effects for everything.

The advert details things the person will do in a day, before getting home to have tea and realising there's no food in the fridge.

One of the things the person will do during the day is "Have a cheeky catchup with the girlies", which involves the sound effect of women giving it an "Oh hiiiii" or "Hello you" or some shit, it does my head in. If she's been out with the girls during the day, she ain't gonna be in a fit state to cook anyway is she?  It's just as well she's got no food in.

With any luck she'll try and do some chips, fall asleep and the chip pan catches fire.

Won't be so keen on a "cheeky" catchup next time, will she?

On that subject, why do things have to be cheeky?  I mean, what's cheeky about having a catchup with friends? It's only cheeky if the drink calls you a cunt.

I hate the use of the word cheeky in every day life.  Cheeky Nandos.  What is cheeky about some shit chicken?  Absolutely fuck all.

Maybe it's the fucking price that's cheeky, isn't it?

I listen to a lot of adverts, they do go in and stay there, right before I pull them to pieces!  There's not many good adverts on the radio, most of them are shite.

Except the Hedgehog Gutter Brush, that's a bloody marvel.

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