As I do a bit of driving, commuting to and from work I listen to the radio, a lot.

Because I don't listen to pap like Radio 1 or whatever it's called these days (apparently Bruno Brookes isn't on anymore and it's not on 275 and 285 either) I have to endure commercial radio station adverts.

And by god there's some shit ones.

One of my favourites though is the one for the Hedgehog Gutter Brush.  I heard it for the first time in a couple of years the other day, I was delighted.

Anyway, shit adverts on the radio.

Have you ever heard an advert on the radio and a couple of weeks later it's been altered?

Well, Local Heroes, the Rated People equivalent by British Gas has a campaign at the moment that begins with a woman whose accent is VERY South Western.

It started with (say this in a Wurzels accent and you're cooking on gas, British Gas):

"If you have to scream and shout if you've a U-bend that needs straightening out"

But last week it's changed to:

"If you have to scream and shout if your plumbing's gone right up the spout".

Why have they changed it?

I bet some utter dick has complained because someone literally tried to straighten a U-bend.  Even though I'd have thought it was obvious that "straighten out" means fix, it's a nice play on words.

And then there's the current Tesco advert which is to advertise their 1 day grocery deliveries.

It's one of those adverts that can't just settle for telling us things, no, they have to use sound effects for everything.

The advert details things the person will do in a day, before getting home to have tea and realising there's no food in the fridge.

One of the things the person will do during the day is "Have a cheeky catchup with the girlies", which involves the sound effect of women giving it an "Oh hiiiii" or "Hello you" or some shit, it does my head in. If she's been out with the girls during the day, she ain't gonna be in a fit state to cook anyway is she?  It's just as well she's got no food in.

With any luck she'll try and do some chips, fall asleep and the chip pan catches fire.

Won't be so keen on a "cheeky" catchup next time, will she?

On that subject, why do things have to be cheeky?  I mean, what's cheeky about having a catchup with friends? It's only cheeky if the drink calls you a cunt.

I hate the use of the word cheeky in every day life.  Cheeky Nandos.  What is cheeky about some shit chicken?  Absolutely fuck all.

Maybe it's the fucking price that's cheeky, isn't it?

I listen to a lot of adverts, they do go in and stay there, right before I pull them to pieces!  There's not many good adverts on the radio, most of them are shite.

Except the Hedgehog Gutter Brush, that's a bloody marvel.

Workshy Chef

James Martin it seems, doesn't like Mondays.

Or Tuesdays.

Or in fact, any day.

His radio adverts for Asda are bloody well annoying.

They all start with "James Martin here, I don't usually do <insert current day>" and then go on to host a fake phone call from some "Mum" who can't get her teenage sons to eat more greens or as per last Tuesday and again today it's "Kelly" who has some school mums coming round for lunch tomorrow.

Kelly must be a right thick bint if she can't remember that she spoke to his Martinship last week and he told her to make Cauliflower Cous-Cous.

The dirty bastard.

I hate these kind of adverts where a member of the public has just phoned a "celeb".

So far I've heard it every day since Sunday this week, so if James Martin isn't working, what's he up to?

Fuck knows but it'll involve some shite recipe, that's for damn sure.

And he didn't even try to get off with Kelly.

Hive.

Fucking Hive.

Quite a neat idea, in all fairness, but which Duke of Kunt came up with the adverts?

hive-shithouse-twatsWho the fuck came up with such rhyming couplets as having a kick about with a team of giant trout?  A massive pissflap, that's who.

The advert is so stupid to the point where I wouldn't consider using the product if I was paid to do so.

And I hate the tune.  It's not catchy, it's balls and is sung by a shitstain whose voice I can't stand to listen to.  He reminds of a knob I used to work with called Wayne.

So a few months go by, the advert dies a death.  And then they bring the fucker back.

This time the rhymes are even more forced than an asian male on a white teenage girl.

I didn't think they could get worse but they seemingly can and do, they make less sense than the first round of shite.  I've heard more sense come from Serene Branson after 15 pints of lager.

It's not just the utter tripe from the adverts though, it's the product too.  Initially I thought it was a good idea but when you think about it, it's just using technology for the sake of it.

Have you ever really been on a bus, being bummed by a giant octopus or sitting in your car being fingered by Mark Lamarr?  If you have, Hive, apparently could be busy controlling your heating at home.

Except, I have, like most people, a thermostat that does it for me.  I set the temperatures, I set the time it's supposed to come on and off and it works like a dream.

I don't need to be checking my phone every few minutes to see what temperature my house is and if I should up it by a degree in case my cat's life is on hold cos the bastard is bloody cold. Cos Hive could be busy controlling my heating at home.

So, take your bastard Hive
Stick it where the sun don't shine
and don't bother with British Gas
cos they're a pain in the bastard ass

Cos Hive is a load of shite you don't need at home.

Thousands, if not millions of pounds goes into rebranding your firm, making sure you’re still in the public eye and that people know the new you is the old you but with a new name.

Business and advertising go hand in hand, and for some industries it’s imperative to stay in the forefront of people’s minds when they’re contemplating buying something new.

And for CSL that’s no different.

CSL, as you may be aware are a furniture manufacturer.  We’ve seen their adverts many times.

They then changed their name to Sofaworks, we all remember their Gogglebox sponsorship ads don't we?  The ones with Neil, the Sofaworks sloth?

Got it.

However, Sofaworks had to change their name back in February this year because they lost a court case against a competitor who had a product of the same name.

So they rename themselves Sofology.

Fair enough, decent name I guess.  Could be worse.

Then they need a catchy jingle or piece of music to add to the advert.

Millions of pounds goes to some agency somewhere and it comes back with….

"1,2,3, Sofology"

Bravo!

Let’s take the name of the company and see what rhymes really badly with it.

"Ology... G... I know!  Three!"

1,2,3, Sofology.

If that’s the best they can up with then I’m in the wrong job. 

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