There seems to be a consistency between banking adverts and you know what it is?  No, not banking.

The fact that they're absolute dogshit.

Why is that?  I mean, when you look back at banking adverts over the years and what we've had to endure you instantly think of that bulb Howard from the Halifax.

And then there's that twat Craig from, er, the Halifax.

And them 2 twats who I can't name but you know who I mean.

It's all just gimmicky shit these days.  Howard dancing, pretending to be your average man in the street.

Nope, doesn't wash.

Craig and the Ghostbusters rip off.

Nope.  It just doesn't work.  What the hell is the connection between Ghostbusters and the Halifax?  Absolutely fuck all.

In fact, it feels like they used the Ghostbusters theme simply so they could use the "We got one!" line, as if any business is delighted at getting a contactless debit card.

Way to go guys, you can spend £30 of company money.

Fuck off.

Banking is boring, banking adverts should be boring.

Tell us about the product, give us facts and figures and then piss off.

I don't want to see dancing and singing, there's Meerkats for that.

griffin

Look back at the 80s adverts for example, good old Griffin here with the Midland.  He told us how it was, or should I say good old Richard Briars (May he rest in peace) told us about the bank and their cash machines.

There was no singing and dancing and trying to be cool when you're probably more of a danger to minors.

In fact, when it comes to Craig at the Halifax and children he should be like his debit card - Contactless.

I hate E-bay adverts, pretty sure I've said it before with Fill your cart with disputes.

However, it's the new adverts with the voiceover guy who sounds, well, just sounds a bit council if I'm honest.

A bit grubby, know what I mean?

However, as much as that irks me, it's not this I have the issue with.  No, it's the wording on the adverts.

"Sarah's after a new phone so she's selling all her old stuff, and with ALL THE MONEY she'll make she'll be buying that new iPhone XpensiveAF in no time!"

All the money.  Do E-bay actually know that people don't really make much money on there?  I mean, sure, there are people who earn loads but they're shops and they're selling things on "Buy It Now", they also have the same goods on Amazon and any other online market, desperate to sell.

But what about those people who sell second hand?

(I've written extensively about E-bay before)

See, what the advert suggests is that Sarah, who is desperate to buy a new phone, just needs to sell all her old tat and she'll make hundreds of pounds to buy a fancy new mobile outright.

Doesn't happen though does it?  Ever tried to sell your old tat?  Most of it is worth something, but it's like being at a car boot sale, you put something up for £5 and some tosser offers you £2.50.

Sure, I'll accept half of what I wanted, you utter shitehawk.  You wouldn't go in to Tesco, pick up some beer for £4 and offer them £2 would you?

Granted, you're selling second hand goods but if you're selling it at the price it's worth then you should be entitled to get that price for it.

But you don't of course.  It doesn't sell and and you relist lower. 

It'll probably sell the next time around for less of course.

Don't get me wrong, E-bay is useful for selling stuff, it's a decent marketplace site but it won't make you rich like they seem to suggest.

Meanwhile, "Sarah wants some new sex toy so she's cleaned and listed all her old vibrators and with all the money she earns she'll have the Fuckmaster 500 in no time at all!"

E-bay, fill your cart with dildos.

Flo and Joan.  If these two were a disease they'd be Bubonic AIDS.

What in the fuckery is the Nationwide Building Society doing making adverts giving airtime to these talentless simpletons?

I don't know which is which, as I refer to them as Cunt1 and Cunt2 but the one on the left looks like she's contracted Downs Syndrome from a Chimpanzee.

I'm aware they're not really called Flo and Joan, that's a stage name as apparently they're a "comedy" act.

They're not funny in the slightest, and I don't understand why companies continue to make awful adverts like this.

At least the shitty  E-bay adverts have stopped now, these need to.

 

Woohooooo!

There's a new trend in adverts at the moment for people to make silly "Woohoo" noises.

Really accentuated, really annoying woohoo noises at that.

It started last year in a holiday advert featuring Kerry Godliman and seems to have picked up.  Quickbooks were massive culprits in January with their tax return adverts.

Now there's something else that features a long woofuckinghoo and it's pissing me right off.

Get some original ideas in adverts for fucks sake, just don't use Flo and Fucking Joan.

 

Have you seen these awful fake adverts that seem to be all the rage at the moment?

I did have a link the other day to a site that claimed Ant McPartlin of Ant & Dec was heavily invested in a program which traded Bitcoins automatically for him which made him thousands of pounds a week.

The link is here.

The odd thing is the content of the web page has completely changed in the last 2 days, and it's now entirely about I'm a Celebrity instead although the original title has remained.

So that's pissed on my Mr Chips a little.  However, a little bit of Googling has thrown up this article instead, which is very similar.

Just to prove I'm not a lying toad.

The point of this rant though is to highlight the massive amount of crap that appear as adverts on sites including Facebook, people believe them to be true because there's a so called celebrity endorsement.

I mean, does Ant McPartlin, a man who got bladdered then drove his car into someone else's strike you as an astute businessman, or a bit of a tool?

If you saw an advert that said, "Ant from Ant & Dec Man has made millions of pounds a week by just looking at pictures of horses on 2 websites, you can do it too!" would you believe it?

Neigh.

So why would you believe that there's a software programme out there that make you rich for doing fuck all?  Doesn't sound at all suspicious?  You think Ant from Ant & Dec Man is sat in rehab rubbing his hands together because a computer programme has just sold 15 Bitcoins and made him a fuck-ton of cash?  Of course, that's totally plausible.

And where did Ant from Ant & Dec Man get to hear about this programme, known as Bitcoin Revolution? Why, on Dragons' Den of course.

Which is very odd, because Peter Jones also uses a program called Bitcoin Formula to make thousands a week by doing nothing! And it was all because of Dragons' Den!

What a co-incidence.

I mean, the BIGGEST deal on Dragon's Den ever apparently and it never made the actual news, just some scamming web-shites?

Who would have thought it eh?

I mean, that website above is just awful.  Yes, it contains pictures of Peter Jones et al, looking like they're having an absolutely wizard time on the show but aside from some narrative that says Deborah Meaden had bought her first Bitcoin (during the pitch?!) and that the Dragons were really eager to invest, where is the actual footage of this happening?

Oh, is it because it didn't fucking happen?

I think so, my friends.

There's a picture at the top of the article that shows the 2 entrepreneurs, which is what the adverts refers them as, no names at all.  Not even a pair of fake names!

Who on earth falls for this shit?

Just take a look at the testimonials too:

bitcoin scam lily

Yes, Lilly really does look like the type of person to randomly hand over hundreds of pounds to complete strangers on the internet.

And then you have this one which has been doing the rounds for ages now:

fake news antenna

There are similar adverts like this which claims to be an antenna which will replace your cable system.

Yes, that's called Freeview, love.  Notice how none of the adverts ever list the channels you'll be able to receive?  That's because if it does work you'll get the terrestrial channels only.

Why would you replace your cable system for this?  You wouldn't.  

This one is a classic!

Developed by a NASA engineer (yeah, honest) it says we can, "Never Pay For Cable Or Subscriptions Again? This Device Allows You To Watch Anything For Free"

Anything?

This "new 'super' antenna that can pick up over-the-air TV signals no other antenna was able to pick up before. So you get over 100 channels completely free and legal".

Sounds like bullshit to me.

It's a set top box you connect to your TV aerial, and wow, it picks up terrestrial TV just like any other Freeview box.

These are just some of the worst kind of fake adverts around at the moment, I'm sure we'll see more.  I know we have some right mongs here in Britain but I'm certain there can't be that many people actually falling for them!

If you spot any good ones This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. so we can take the piss out of them!

 

I hate these shitty Christmas adverts that Ebay run on the radio, every damn ad break.

There's 2 of them, and they're both bad, bad AIDS.

The adverts follow a theme, person is opening present.

They read out the name of who it's for - that would be them, right?

They make a comment on the paper, snowmen or whatever and how well wrapped it is.

Then they've got into it and it's something they've wanted for ages.

In one case it's a pair of trainers which are apparently sold out everywhere.  Lucky for them, somebody bought them some knock-offs or stolen ones from Ebay.

In the other advert, the woman does a mini intake of breath followed by a huge intake whilst she exclaims, "No way!  I have wanted this fitness track for AGES!  How did you know?"

Probably because you've not stopped banging on about the fucking thing for months, love.

What the advert doesn't then go on to explain is that in the case of the trainers, they are indeed cheap knock-offs, made by Oddidas, and they don't fit the chap because he's a size 8 and these Claire Rayners are a size H.

And sorry love, your fitness tracker is broken.  Dead on arrival, see.

But it's OK, you can return it for a full refund or replacement, right?

Oh, what do you mean it was bought 2nd hand from someone who received a bunch of them off the back of a lorry and they're all fucked?  No, you've got rights, right?  

Well, you thought so until you realise that the seller ABC999 was a fly-by-night Ebay account who's sold a load of stuff and then closed their account.

Ah.

Ebay, fill your cart with disputes.

Merry Christmas.

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