Workshy Chef

James Martin it seems, doesn't like Mondays.

Or Tuesdays.

Or in fact, any day.

His radio adverts for Asda are bloody well annoying.

They all start with "James Martin here, I don't usually do <insert current day>" and then go on to host a fake phone call from some "Mum" who can't get her teenage sons to eat more greens or as per last Tuesday and again today it's "Kelly" who has some school mums coming round for lunch tomorrow.

Kelly must be a right thick bint if she can't remember that she spoke to his Martinship last week and he told her to make Cauliflower Cous-Cous.

The dirty bastard.

I hate these kind of adverts where a member of the public has just phoned a "celeb".

So far I've heard it every day since Sunday this week, so if James Martin isn't working, what's he up to?

Fuck knows but it'll involve some shite recipe, that's for damn sure.

And he didn't even try to get off with Kelly.

Thousands, if not millions of pounds goes into rebranding your firm, making sure you’re still in the public eye and that people know the new you is the old you but with a new name.

Business and advertising go hand in hand, and for some industries it’s imperative to stay in the forefront of people’s minds when they’re contemplating buying something new.

And for CSL that’s no different.

CSL, as you may be aware are a furniture manufacturer.  We’ve seen their adverts many times.

They then changed their name to Sofaworks, we all remember their Gogglebox sponsorship ads don't we?  The ones with Neil, the Sofaworks sloth?

Got it.

However, Sofaworks had to change their name back in February this year because they lost a court case against a competitor who had a product of the same name.

So they rename themselves Sofology.

Fair enough, decent name I guess.  Could be worse.

Then they need a catchy jingle or piece of music to add to the advert.

Millions of pounds goes to some agency somewhere and it comes back with….

"1,2,3, Sofology"

Bravo!

Let’s take the name of the company and see what rhymes really badly with it.

"Ology... G... I know!  Three!"

1,2,3, Sofology.

If that’s the best they can up with then I’m in the wrong job. 

Hive.

Fucking Hive.

Quite a neat idea, in all fairness, but which Duke of Kunt came up with the adverts?

hive-shithouse-twatsWho the fuck came up with such rhyming couplets as having a kick about with a team of giant trout?  A massive pissflap, that's who.

The advert is so stupid to the point where I wouldn't consider using the product if I was paid to do so.

And I hate the tune.  It's not catchy, it's balls and is sung by a shitstain whose voice I can't stand to listen to.  He reminds of a knob I used to work with called Wayne.

So a few months go by, the advert dies a death.  And then they bring the fucker back.

This time the rhymes are even more forced than an asian male on a white teenage girl.

I didn't think they could get worse but they seemingly can and do, they make less sense than the first round of shite.  I've heard more sense come from Serene Branson after 15 pints of lager.

It's not just the utter tripe from the adverts though, it's the product too.  Initially I thought it was a good idea but when you think about it, it's just using technology for the sake of it.

Have you ever really been on a bus, being bummed by a giant octopus or sitting in your car being fingered by Mark Lamarr?  If you have, Hive, apparently could be busy controlling your heating at home.

Except, I have, like most people, a thermostat that does it for me.  I set the temperatures, I set the time it's supposed to come on and off and it works like a dream.

I don't need to be checking my phone every few minutes to see what temperature my house is and if I should up it by a degree in case my cat's life is on hold cos the bastard is bloody cold. Cos Hive could be busy controlling my heating at home.

So, take your bastard Hive
Stick it where the sun don't shine
and don't bother with British Gas
cos they're a pain in the bastard ass

Cos Hive is a load of shite you don't need at home.

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