The Office Knobhead

So as we go back to work for the new year, we're also going to see colleagues.

And that means we all get to see the Office Knobhead.

Every office has one, if yours doesn't then it's probably you.

You know the one, they've been everywhere, seen everything and got every T-Shirt going.

You tell them you're off to see a new film that starts at the cinema this very night, they saw it last night.  It's shit.

You tell them you've just bought the new album by Kooty and the Shit Dicks.  Oh, they've had it months.

They used to love it but now it's been released they hate it.  They can't tell you a single song on the album, mind.

You talk about hobbies, scuba diving for example.  Oh, they've done that before.  

You moan at them about a piece of software that's shit, they say they're an expert.

You call their bluff and ask them for help.  They come over to your machine and the look on their face says it all; That's the first fucking time they've seen it.

Must be a different version to what they're used to.

Course it is dickhead.

Toppers and knobheads, is there anything worse?

Why waste your time talking shit, bragging and lying about stuff you haven't done.

Part of office life is having conversation, talking about things other people haven't experienced.  If we'd all done the same things then life would be super boring.

You don't have to lie to fit in, just stop being a knobhead - it really is quite simple.

Pretending to have done everything I have done but a day, week, month or year before me won't endear you to me at all.  I won't seek your advice because I know it's bullshit.

I'll just think you're an even bigger tit than I already did.

So, how do you counter Mr Office Knobhead?

You tell them you've booked a holiday for May.  They enquire where you're going.

You tell them it's the Canary Islands.

You wait until they tell you they've been to them all.

You ask if they're sure, have they been to the biggest island?

Oh, they've been to Tenerife.

You fucking tell them you're off to ELEVENERIFE.

Boom, have some of that.

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