Following on from my previous rant about TV and Movie clichés I have a few more to add.

 

Time

Time goes slowly on the silver screen. 

There’s many a time bomb with only a minute to go whose second countdown have turned into minutes.

And of course, as each second counts down it has to beep loudly.   The beep is so loud that it would have been impossible for the bomb to have been placed without someone noticing.

And as the last 10 seconds turns into 10 minutes, it’s diffused just in time, with 1 second (or should that be 1 minute?) to spare.

Phew, you made it just in time!

 

Doctors

Doctors know everything, all the time.

There’s usually one who knows sod all because they’re having “issues” with sleep, drink, drugs or stamp collecting.

But that’s fine, because he comes Nurse Nancy, who knows every procedure, disease, condition and new ground-breaking technique even though she’s just a bog nurse who used to work at Hooters.

With every experienced moody old Doctor is a cocky young Doctor who has just graduated from “Med school” with a point to prove.

No emergency procedure can be carried out in A&E without a Doctor describing the exact procedure that is going to be taking place and why, despite the patient being dead for the last 5 minutes.

I’m no Doctor (don’t tell anyone) but when there’s been no pulse for a good 5 minutes then you suddenly bring your patient back to life I’m sure there’s usually a quite a high chance there’s some level of brain damage as the brain has been starved of oxygen for so long.

Not on TV though, they wake up immediately, usually with a gasp and are seen tap dancing minutes later.

 

Weather

Only in America do they have thunder and lightning together at the same time.

Now, I’ve never been to the good ol US of A but I’m sure their weather isn’t a special kind that can’t be experienced anywhere else on the planet?

Usually when we have thunder and lightning they are moments, sometimes minutes apart.  But in America on TV when it lightens there is an almighty crash or explosion that accompanies it.

When it lightens in real life it’s usually silent, maybe you get a “click” sound, not a great big explosion!

Naturally, in America the thunder and lightning is ALWAYS accompanied by the biggest downpour of rain you’ve ever seen.

It never rains on its own, it’s impossible to rain without thunder and lightning.  

Have you ever watched a TV show or film and thought “That’s not quite right”?

I don’t mean proper far-fetched things that action films throw at us but the more simple things that just wouldn’t or shouldn’t happen.

Here’s a list of the ones I’ve spotted over the years and still appear to happen quite regularly:

 

Drink Driving

It appears Americans don’t think twice about taking their car to a bar, getting hammered then driving home.

This is particularly prevalent in Cop shows where the Police, after a bit of a shitty day catching crooks or having buried “one of their own” take themselves off to a bar that seems to be frequented only by other cops, which also begs the question “If all the cops in the city are in this bar, who’s patrolling the streets?

Nobody ever stops them from drink driving.  There may be the odd suggestion that they are “too drunk to drive”, which suggests there is a level of drunkenness that makes it perfectly fine to get behind the wheel.

They always get home perfectly fine too.  They never weave all over the road or stop to be sick.  Or for a kebab.

With the US laws on drink driving being stricter than other countries it seems strange that TV shows and films would suggest this is OK behaviour.

 

Drinking AND Driving

People who drive trucks (what Joe Mangel would refer to as a “ute”) seem to be the most common people to drink whilst driving.

They think nothing of having a 4 pack of beers in the car, drinking whilst they’re bombing down the interstate.

Some even have a bottle of whiskey or non-descript liquor, sometimes in a brown paper bag, whilst they drive along.

They never get drunk, especially from necking straight spirits directly from the bottle.

 

Drinking in general

Americans in TV shows are the only people in the world who can drink neat spirits from a bottle and not pull that “Fucking hell” face afterwards.

It also seems that when it comes to beer, a 4-pack of “Piss Lite” is enough to get them so drunk they don’t know what they’re doing, losing all track of time etc.

But they’re perfectly capable of drinking a full bottle of whiskey in one go without being pissed or projectile vomiting afterwards.

 

Police

It seems British Police still record their interviews on reel-to-reel tape, despite it being 2016 and the only place you can buy blank ones is on E-bay.

It’s not as if there’s an abundance of Memorex or Scotch cassettes available these days either, aren’t the Police using digital voice recordings?

Not on TV they’re not.

In America of course, everyone has such a contempt for the boys in blue that if they turn up at a suspects door the suspect can just tell them to do one and that’s it.

Nobody ever gets nervous or tries to weasel out of it, it’s instant aggression every time.

And let’s not forget that confessions when they finally do come are always obtained on the suspects doorstep or in a house.  They’re never “taken down the precinct” to answer questions where the truth comes out whilst being recorded.

Can you imagine any of that standing up in court?

 

Computers

Computers aren’t normal ones in any TV show or film.  They run all manner of bespoke and crazy Operating Systems.

They all have a mouse next to the keyboard but nobody ever uses it.  That’s because the screen is character based rather than Windows.

Whenever anyone types on the keyboard the computer has to make some kind of electronic sound.  No computer has done that since the Oric Atmos, and there’s a reason for it, it is fucking annoying.

But suddenly there’s a new screen that’s all graphical, big 3D graphics and things spinning – where data scrolls up the screen willy-nilly.

Someone needs to go on a UX course.

And of course there’s the operating systems where when a program is running the code for it scrolls up the screen, whilst making a scroll type noise.

Then there’s the kids who understand absolutely everything about a computer they’ve never seen. 

Jurassic Park’s classic “Oh I know this, it’s Unix” whilst a fully 3D graphical environment whizzes about the place.

What 13 year old girl has had exposure to Unix in 1993?  And since when was Unix not a text based system?

 

Kids

As above, kids know EVERYTHING.

Star Wars episode 1 is a prime example.  Anakin “Bastard” Skywalker, a child who probably still wets the bed at night is able to fly and win races in what is ostensibly a spaceship.

To quote Wayne, “Shahhh, right”.

Kids are always somehow able to get one over their peers, parents or baddies.  They always know more than anyone else, even the experts.

I absolutely loathe kids in films.

 

There's now a part 2 here.

We've got a hot one for you, can you take care of it? 

When I first heard about "Doctor in the House" I thought Yazz and the Plastic Population had reformed.

I then managed to catch a couple of episodes and whilst I thought it was interesting, I also thought it was quite disturbing too.

For those that haven't seen the programme, it consists of a doctor (Dr Chatterjee) going to live with a family for 24 hours to observe their lifestyle, diet etc.

After this period, Dr Chatterjee makes informed decisions and advises the family where they are going wrong. After all, the family have invited the good Doctor to their home, they clearly feel they need some sort of advice, or TV appearance fee.

However, the advice given is built on extreme measures and habits that cannot be maintained long term.

In the 2 episodes I saw both consisted of a family of overweights, one of which ate McDonalds (or other fast food) several times a week. While this in itself is unhealthy it can be pointed out, particularly on TV and a family can change.

The weigh-in's, blood tests and other check-ups the families undergo seem to often suggest one or more of the family is at risk of heart disease and/or type 2 Diabetes.

One guy started taking more exercise which would certainly help to lower his blood sugar levels, and he saw the benefits to changing his lifestyle. He was shocked into change, and that can be a good thing.

However, I have a problem with the extreme changes to the families diet as a whole. Chatterjee goes through all the cupboards and drawers in the kitchen, systematically removing and binning everything he sees as "bad".

Cereal, in the bin.
Bread, no thank you.
Rice and pasta, you're 'aving a bleeding larf, aintcha?

And so on, and so forth.

The problem with this? It is not possible for a busy working family to exist on his suggested alternatives.

Eggs for breakfast every day? Well, it's nice for the first day or 2 then I think I'd be banned from the office.

Who has the time in a morning to make eggs, every day? As an alternative to cereal and toast it's a good option, but one for the weekend, surely?

Every single item of carbohydrate is removed from the house and banned.

And that, my friends, is extreme.

No matter what these so called experts say, the body needs carbs. Dr Atkins was wrong and a lot of people suffered from being on his diet. You'd have been better off listening to Marmalade Atkins than this fraud.

It's all well and good observing someone's lifestyle and diet for 24 hours, but that's not an exhaustive investigation into the families lives, and only when that is done can a real informed decision be made.

Snap judgments work for TV, it's clearly intended to shock people into thinking and comparing themselves to the family they're following.

"He's a fatty, look at what he's eating! He's eating all this stuff! He's borderline diabetic, he's gonna have a heart attack! Oh wait, hang on, he's my age, I'm a bit fat, I eat that stuff.... could I be the same?"

The shock factor to make the viewer think about themselves is a good thing, but long term changes cannot be made via an hour long TV show.

As a Diabetic I know all this. I eat carbs, the difference? I eat less carbs.

I still eat cereal, but I eat cereal that I know will release energy slower and won't spike my blood sugar.

I still eat bread, but again I eat wholemeal, which I know is better for me and won't spike my blood sugar.

I still eat pasta and rice, but I eat less of it... Smaller portions, that is the key to it, not stopping eating all these items completely.

Food is labelled now, and although it can be confusing, if you take the time to work out the sugar, salt, fat levels etc in food you can make a change yourself.

I have check-ups twice a year where my blood sugar is measured for the last few weeks, a test known as a HbA1c, the results of which come back very positive each time and I'm told to keep on doing what I'm doing.

It's all well and good programmes such as these shaming families into change, but you have offer real advice and take into account that families do work odd hours sometimes or don't always have the time to make the kind of meals you're suggesting every day, plus there's costs to factor in as well.  Offer advice on healthy lifestyles, tell the families why, educate them but don't just chuck all the shit in the bin and stick them on a prison diet for good because as soon as your arse is out the door that diet's going in the bin and the Coco-Pops are coming back out.

X-Factor and its predecessors have been gracing our screens for the best part of 15 years now, and I still don't understand why.

Reality TV started in earnest with Big Brother and Pop Idol and it hasn't really gone away, despite it never really getting any better!

Pop Idol turned into Pop Stars: The Rivals and then along came X-Factor in the same format which was basically, get a load of talentless tossers on TV, fawn over them, rig a public vote for the final and then ensure the Christmas Number 1 is the winner, despite the quality of the song being from the toilet.

I just don't understand how this passes for prime time television.  In the 80's the closest we had to X-Factor was "New Faces" with Marti Caine on a Friday night.  It was an hour long, lasted about 6 weeks and that was enough.

There were no "New Faces Offs", nor did Nina Myskow have a spin-off show designed to get viewers to ring a telephone number to make ITV even more  money.

It was just a plain old talent show.

While some of the acts on it weren't brilliant, the fact the show lasted just an hour was enough.  It wasn't pushed to the media, there were no stupid newspaper headlines made up about it and while the singles charts have been manipulated since the 70's there was no pushing the winner so hard across every media outlet that you were sick of the name of them within a week.

However, my point isn't to big up New Faces, it's to compare what we have now with what we had in "the olden days".  I still honestly cannot believe that people think this is what should be entertaining us on a Saturday night, for hours on end!  If ITV tried to do with New Faces what they've done with X-Factor in the 80's there would have been hell on, but for the last 15 years it seems that people are sheep and just accept what is on TV.

Turn on ITV, see it's X-Factor, leave the channel on... Why?!

Why not find something else to watch?  People have become sheep purely by being so lazy and sticking with what's on TV!  It's a fucking singing contest taking up your Saturday night, every fucking week.

Really?

You're allowing yourself to get drawn in to an argument that doesn't really exist!  "Oh I can't believe Simon Cowell said that", really?  You don't think he's a cock because he wants you to keep watching?

Same goes for BBC with Strictly.  Why?  In this day and age what was essentially a Ballroom Dancing contest late on a Thursday night on BB2 has become prime time viewing for some.

You are watching a dancing competition with a load of bell ends, what the fuck are you doing?

Can't blame the BBC and ITV for sticking with it, after all you are making them millions of pounds each year texting in and ringing voting lines, they're going to stick with the format - but that is not what the majority of people really want to watch, is it?

Where are the variety shows of old?  Have a singer perform their latest song, get a comedian on, hell get a bloody ventriloquist on but for fucks sake stop using the public as guinea pigs to launch another "Pop Star" who will be finished within the year because they can't sing, have a massive cocaine problem and it turns out they're shagging their sister.

Wake up people!  Watch something real!

 

 

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