I was thinking the other day that there’s a real lack of technology programmes on TV these days.

If you’ve watched The Gadget Show in the last few years you’ll see that it’s not really about upcoming technologies and the “next big thing”, it’s more to do with comparing cameras and advertising their own competition.

They spend longer telling you what you could win than they do covering anything else and the presenters aren’t the best either.

What we’re really missing is a show that was axed in 2003, a show that DID show off what technology was emerging (possibly with a little bit of uncertainty at times!), step forward Judith Hann….

Tomorrow’s World.

Has there been anything like it since it disappeared off our screens?  No. 

There used to be loads of computer and tech programmes on TV, granted some of them would be well out of date now.

The likes of Mac and Fred Harris typing in BASIC programs and transmitting them over the air for you to record and LOAD in to your computer with a tape recorder are no longer relevant but that’s not to say there isn’t a market or a need for news about computing and technology.

The world of IT gets bigger by the year, where’s all the programmes telling us about how things are progressing?  What’s the next platform? 

The BBC have a little programme called “Click!” but that’s on at such random times and if you ever try to series link it you end up with a recording of the show plus about four 5 minute long versions of it from 3 in the morning with someone signing over it.

I honestly believe there is room for a comeback of Tomorrow’s World which not only shows us technologies on the cusp of modernity but also a genuine glimpse into where life is heading.

Go back to the old style of the 80’s and 90’s before they started mucking around with it.

Hell, get Judith Hann and Maggie Philbinn back on it!

Let’s bring it back, come on BBC!  Spend some of that money you saved on not resigning GBBO!

 Thousands of grown men and women are wetting their dresses over a  baking show that is defecting from the BBC to Channel 4.

 The show, "The Great British Bake Off" has demanded a kings ransom to remain with the BBC.  Production Company "Love Productions", which sounds like a sex  shop in Soho wanted more than £25m from the publicly owned broadcaster.  The BBC however refusing to go higher than £15m.

Grown adults are devastated, as they continue to speculate about who will host the show and if the pre-scripted double entendres will continue to annoy everyone who doesn't give a shit about a stupid baking contest.

Mel and Sue have already decided they're not moving to Channel 4.  Turns out they weren't offered a rise after they demanded more dough to make jokes about soggy bottoms and things being moist.

Still, Mary Berry, who wrote the original Frankenstein novel in 1817 will most likely stay on, along with Paul Hollywood.

The new show won't start on Channel 4 until 2017 but of course the general public have already made up their mind, despite knowing fuck all about it.

How can people really care that much about a baking contest?  It is not the end of the world, but I hope it's the end of that stupid #VaginaOrCake Twitter hashtag.

It's getting rather old now.

Like Mary Berry. 

 

Following on from my previous rant about TV and Movie clichés I have a few more to add.

 

Time

Time goes slowly on the silver screen. 

There’s many a time bomb with only a minute to go whose second countdown have turned into minutes.

And of course, as each second counts down it has to beep loudly.   The beep is so loud that it would have been impossible for the bomb to have been placed without someone noticing.

And as the last 10 seconds turns into 10 minutes, it’s diffused just in time, with 1 second (or should that be 1 minute?) to spare.

Phew, you made it just in time!

 

Doctors

Doctors know everything, all the time.

There’s usually one who knows sod all because they’re having “issues” with sleep, drink, drugs or stamp collecting.

But that’s fine, because he comes Nurse Nancy, who knows every procedure, disease, condition and new ground-breaking technique even though she’s just a bog nurse who used to work at Hooters.

With every experienced moody old Doctor is a cocky young Doctor who has just graduated from “Med school” with a point to prove.

No emergency procedure can be carried out in A&E without a Doctor describing the exact procedure that is going to be taking place and why, despite the patient being dead for the last 5 minutes.

I’m no Doctor (don’t tell anyone) but when there’s been no pulse for a good 5 minutes then you suddenly bring your patient back to life I’m sure there’s usually a quite a high chance there’s some level of brain damage as the brain has been starved of oxygen for so long.

Not on TV though, they wake up immediately, usually with a gasp and are seen tap dancing minutes later.

 

Weather

Only in America do they have thunder and lightning together at the same time.

Now, I’ve never been to the good ol US of A but I’m sure their weather isn’t a special kind that can’t be experienced anywhere else on the planet?

Usually when we have thunder and lightning they are moments, sometimes minutes apart.  But in America on TV when it lightens there is an almighty crash or explosion that accompanies it.

When it lightens in real life it’s usually silent, maybe you get a “click” sound, not a great big explosion!

Naturally, in America the thunder and lightning is ALWAYS accompanied by the biggest downpour of rain you’ve ever seen.

It never rains on its own, it’s impossible to rain without thunder and lightning.  

Have you ever watched a TV show or film and thought “That’s not quite right”?

I don’t mean proper far-fetched things that action films throw at us but the more simple things that just wouldn’t or shouldn’t happen.

Here’s a list of the ones I’ve spotted over the years and still appear to happen quite regularly:

 

Drink Driving

It appears Americans don’t think twice about taking their car to a bar, getting hammered then driving home.

This is particularly prevalent in Cop shows where the Police, after a bit of a shitty day catching crooks or having buried “one of their own” take themselves off to a bar that seems to be frequented only by other cops, which also begs the question “If all the cops in the city are in this bar, who’s patrolling the streets?

Nobody ever stops them from drink driving.  There may be the odd suggestion that they are “too drunk to drive”, which suggests there is a level of drunkenness that makes it perfectly fine to get behind the wheel.

They always get home perfectly fine too.  They never weave all over the road or stop to be sick.  Or for a kebab.

With the US laws on drink driving being stricter than other countries it seems strange that TV shows and films would suggest this is OK behaviour.

 

Drinking AND Driving

People who drive trucks (what Joe Mangel would refer to as a “ute”) seem to be the most common people to drink whilst driving.

They think nothing of having a 4 pack of beers in the car, drinking whilst they’re bombing down the interstate.

Some even have a bottle of whiskey or non-descript liquor, sometimes in a brown paper bag, whilst they drive along.

They never get drunk, especially from necking straight spirits directly from the bottle.

 

Drinking in general

Americans in TV shows are the only people in the world who can drink neat spirits from a bottle and not pull that “Fucking hell” face afterwards.

It also seems that when it comes to beer, a 4-pack of “Piss Lite” is enough to get them so drunk they don’t know what they’re doing, losing all track of time etc.

But they’re perfectly capable of drinking a full bottle of whiskey in one go without being pissed or projectile vomiting afterwards.

 

Police

It seems British Police still record their interviews on reel-to-reel tape, despite it being 2016 and the only place you can buy blank ones is on E-bay.

It’s not as if there’s an abundance of Memorex or Scotch cassettes available these days either, aren’t the Police using digital voice recordings?

Not on TV they’re not.

In America of course, everyone has such a contempt for the boys in blue that if they turn up at a suspects door the suspect can just tell them to do one and that’s it.

Nobody ever gets nervous or tries to weasel out of it, it’s instant aggression every time.

And let’s not forget that confessions when they finally do come are always obtained on the suspects doorstep or in a house.  They’re never “taken down the precinct” to answer questions where the truth comes out whilst being recorded.

Can you imagine any of that standing up in court?

 

Computers

Computers aren’t normal ones in any TV show or film.  They run all manner of bespoke and crazy Operating Systems.

They all have a mouse next to the keyboard but nobody ever uses it.  That’s because the screen is character based rather than Windows.

Whenever anyone types on the keyboard the computer has to make some kind of electronic sound.  No computer has done that since the Oric Atmos, and there’s a reason for it, it is fucking annoying.

But suddenly there’s a new screen that’s all graphical, big 3D graphics and things spinning – where data scrolls up the screen willy-nilly.

Someone needs to go on a UX course.

And of course there’s the operating systems where when a program is running the code for it scrolls up the screen, whilst making a scroll type noise.

Then there’s the kids who understand absolutely everything about a computer they’ve never seen. 

Jurassic Park’s classic “Oh I know this, it’s Unix” whilst a fully 3D graphical environment whizzes about the place.

What 13 year old girl has had exposure to Unix in 1993?  And since when was Unix not a text based system?

 

Kids

As above, kids know EVERYTHING.

Star Wars episode 1 is a prime example.  Anakin “Bastard” Skywalker, a child who probably still wets the bed at night is able to fly and win races in what is ostensibly a spaceship.

To quote Wayne, “Shahhh, right”.

Kids are always somehow able to get one over their peers, parents or baddies.  They always know more than anyone else, even the experts.

I absolutely loathe kids in films.

 

There's now a part 2 here.

We've got a hot one for you, can you take care of it? 

When I first heard about "Doctor in the House" I thought Yazz and the Plastic Population had reformed.

I then managed to catch a couple of episodes and whilst I thought it was interesting, I also thought it was quite disturbing too.

For those that haven't seen the programme, it consists of a doctor (Dr Chatterjee) going to live with a family for 24 hours to observe their lifestyle, diet etc.

After this period, Dr Chatterjee makes informed decisions and advises the family where they are going wrong. After all, the family have invited the good Doctor to their home, they clearly feel they need some sort of advice, or TV appearance fee.

However, the advice given is built on extreme measures and habits that cannot be maintained long term.

In the 2 episodes I saw both consisted of a family of overweights, one of which ate McDonalds (or other fast food) several times a week. While this in itself is unhealthy it can be pointed out, particularly on TV and a family can change.

The weigh-in's, blood tests and other check-ups the families undergo seem to often suggest one or more of the family is at risk of heart disease and/or type 2 Diabetes.

One guy started taking more exercise which would certainly help to lower his blood sugar levels, and he saw the benefits to changing his lifestyle. He was shocked into change, and that can be a good thing.

However, I have a problem with the extreme changes to the families diet as a whole. Chatterjee goes through all the cupboards and drawers in the kitchen, systematically removing and binning everything he sees as "bad".

Cereal, in the bin.
Bread, no thank you.
Rice and pasta, you're 'aving a bleeding larf, aintcha?

And so on, and so forth.

The problem with this? It is not possible for a busy working family to exist on his suggested alternatives.

Eggs for breakfast every day? Well, it's nice for the first day or 2 then I think I'd be banned from the office.

Who has the time in a morning to make eggs, every day? As an alternative to cereal and toast it's a good option, but one for the weekend, surely?

Every single item of carbohydrate is removed from the house and banned.

And that, my friends, is extreme.

No matter what these so called experts say, the body needs carbs. Dr Atkins was wrong and a lot of people suffered from being on his diet. You'd have been better off listening to Marmalade Atkins than this fraud.

It's all well and good observing someone's lifestyle and diet for 24 hours, but that's not an exhaustive investigation into the families lives, and only when that is done can a real informed decision be made.

Snap judgments work for TV, it's clearly intended to shock people into thinking and comparing themselves to the family they're following.

"He's a fatty, look at what he's eating! He's eating all this stuff! He's borderline diabetic, he's gonna have a heart attack! Oh wait, hang on, he's my age, I'm a bit fat, I eat that stuff.... could I be the same?"

The shock factor to make the viewer think about themselves is a good thing, but long term changes cannot be made via an hour long TV show.

As a Diabetic I know all this. I eat carbs, the difference? I eat less carbs.

I still eat cereal, but I eat cereal that I know will release energy slower and won't spike my blood sugar.

I still eat bread, but again I eat wholemeal, which I know is better for me and won't spike my blood sugar.

I still eat pasta and rice, but I eat less of it... Smaller portions, that is the key to it, not stopping eating all these items completely.

Food is labelled now, and although it can be confusing, if you take the time to work out the sugar, salt, fat levels etc in food you can make a change yourself.

I have check-ups twice a year where my blood sugar is measured for the last few weeks, a test known as a HbA1c, the results of which come back very positive each time and I'm told to keep on doing what I'm doing.

It's all well and good programmes such as these shaming families into change, but you have offer real advice and take into account that families do work odd hours sometimes or don't always have the time to make the kind of meals you're suggesting every day, plus there's costs to factor in as well.  Offer advice on healthy lifestyles, tell the families why, educate them but don't just chuck all the shit in the bin and stick them on a prison diet for good because as soon as your arse is out the door that diet's going in the bin and the Coco-Pops are coming back out.

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