Let's start with...


Attack of the Facebook Cloners

 

Oops Up.

Theresa May was as serious as cancer when she called a Snap Election last week.

Well, she does have The Power.

 And this sent a Facebook group called "We demand the Government calls an election" went into a frenzy about it.

I'll piss myself when the Tories win by a landslide and they still want to call for an election, because it's not the result THEY want.  The usual case of "I want democracy but only if it's the one I've voted for", I'm afraid.

Strange name for a group given it was formed on 18th December 2012, two and a half years AFTER an election which, granted, was run by a Tory led Coalition, but the group continued with the sniping way after the May election of 2015 in which the Tories won by a majority.

So, even after the election was won fair and square the group pushed and pushed for another election.

Why?

Interestingly, it seems within the last few days the group has changed its name to "We Demand UK", but I fully expect it it to change back again after June.

Meanwhile, the memes don't stop there:

Because they're blaming Theresa May for everything THAT HAS HAPPENED EVER!

The claim that she has called a General Election because she's destroyed the country, NHS, created poverty etc.

That's a lot since last June, to be fair, if that's true she's done a sight more than Corbyn.

But honest, what a stupid fucking claim to make.  She's not responsible for that, she became PM off the back of the country voting Brexit.  She's merely gone with the wishes of the country like David Cameron said the Tories would when they offered the referendum in the first place. 

You might as well have a meme like this:


Meanwhile, more memes come out from the hilarious We Demand posse:


Really? You honestly think she's "shit scared" do you?

I actually applaud her for NOT taking part, you know why?  Because it's bullshit.  It's an awful Americanism we can do without, like most Americanisms, if I'm brutally honest.

Do you really want to see a group of political leaders talking shit about each other like some kind of pre-boxing weigh in?  Corbyn with his swagger, May with her beat down.  Farron with his, er, Kevin Eldon look.

No, I don't.  It's all a load of concentrated arse wash.

Now, before you all start seething and calling me all sorts of shit because you think I'm supporting May here, calm the fuck down.

What I am defending and supporting is FACTS.  Real world facts, not memes from Facebook that people believe without questioning it.  You believe everything you see from "We Demand UK", a Facebook group DEDICATED to ousting the Tories and supporting Labour.  Do you think they're going to post FACTS?  No, it's all biased propaganda.

Who am I supporting then?  In all honesty, I really don't know.

Do I like May?  Not particularly.

Would I trust Corbyn?  No.  How can I believe a man who deliberately sat on a train floor and pretended to be one of the proles after passing a load of empty seats.

Do I trust Tim Farron?  I have no idea who he is!  I thought he was the guy who made computer music.  I was about to applaud him for LED Storm when I realised that's Tim Follin.

That's how insignificant the Lib Dems are.

I'll read the manifestos and do what's right for me, like I always do.  And I urge you all to do the same.

 


Jeremy's Chinese friends were surprised at his claims

 

And finally...

Can you spot the difference between the Conservative and Plaid Cymru leaders?

Theresa May but Leanne Wood.

Fuck off.

 

Happy Time.

We're not allowed to use the word Easter anymore in case it upsets someone on someone else's behalf, so we're just going to call it "time".

Hope you've had a great one.

 

Bullshit News

Assad calls bullshit

 

Come live with me

Naughty landlords are offering young homeless people accomodation in exchange for sex, the BBC revealed.

Apparently the landlords are posting adverts on Craigs List offering the rooms rent free, in exchange for a bonk.

I do hope the section the adverts are posted in is called "Gash 2 crash".

 

Spice up your life

There's a new epidemic in town.

 

And finally...

What this clickbait did next is jaw dropping

A man who hit his wife with a cricket bat was spared jail because he told the court he was a professional cricketer who had just been offered a contract with Leicester.

The aptly named Mustafa Bashir (known to his mates as Must have a bash, here) also made his wife drink bleach - a shocking tale of domestos abuse.

However, it turned out that Bashir hadn't been offered a cricketing contract at all, as Leicester confirmed they had never heard of him.

And he was as good at cricket as David Blunkett.

Such was the outcry that the judge recalled Bash back to court within weeks and sentenced him to 18 months in prison.

Now, how the hell did he get away with it the first time?  When he offered his sob story about his professional contract why did the prosecution team not chase it up, you know, by making asking Leicester County Cricket if they'd heard of the cunt?

It's a 2 minute job to be fair.

Only after the story became public did Leicester say, "Hang on, who's this shit gibbon we've been linked with?" and set the record straight.

Bashir should have been done for perjury as well as domestic abuse.

Owzat, me old china?

 


Ironyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

 

Wonga!

So it turns out Wonga, the Pay Day loan sharks have been hacked.  A long time MoT fan tells us:

"Wonga have been hacked, potentially giving cyber criminals access to the details of thousands of empty bank accounts.

Criminals can use the customer details to apply for credit cards and loans which will be instantly refused due to poor credit ratings."

 

Meanwhile, in Primark

An outraged snowflake forced Primark to remove a T-shirt from their stores which featured a picture of Lucille, the baseball bat from The Walking Dead along with Negan's slogan, "Eeny Meeny Miny Moe"

The reason for his outrage?  He says it's a racist slogan.

No, not it really isn't you prick!

Now, we know that slogan CAN be used in conjunction with the N word, but it isn't in the TV show.  There are no racial undertones to The Walking Dead whatsoever, so how can 1 man arrive at such a ridiculous decision?

Ian Lucraft from Sheffield was so disgusted by the T-Shirt that he wrote a stinging letter to the store and forced it to remove the T-Shirt.

Now, let's take this a little further.

Ian Lucraft isn't just another shopper.  He's a Methodist Minister.

He also does not watch TWD.

So he's arrived at a totally ill informed decision by WHAT he THINKS, he thinks it could be racist and therefore it must be, yet having never watched the show he could not be any more wrong.

All this from a man who preaches about a mythical man that lives in the clouds and his so called prick of a son who died and came back to life. Sure he did, dickhead, sure he did.

GET A FUCKING LIFE YOU SAD TWAT.

 

Worst Jackie Chan Film.  EVER.

 

And finally...

A little rant about Ed Sheeran and Matt Cardle.
 

Jesus Christ.

Where?!

Nowhere.

Where on earth does time go?  I can't believe it's been so long since the last update.

I've not been in prison or anything, honest, I just haven't had the time to sit down and write shit.

It's not like anything has happened in the last few months anyway, is it?

Oh.

So, what HAS happened?

Well, Donald Trump defied the odds and became the President of the United States of America, which is frankly fucking hilarious.

I don't think his time in office will be that long, and if all the snowflakes get their way he'll be impeached, probably for breaking wind in a public area or something.

You see, even though he was democratically elected, all the Clinton supporters chose to behave like spoiled little brats and spat their dummies out.  In fact, even idiots from the UK decided to join in the "He's not my President" bandwagon.  And you know what, you're goddamn right he's not your President, and you know why?

BECAUSE YOU'RE ENGLISH AND BORN IN WINCHESTER YOU FUCKING SHITEHAWK.

Ahem.

That's right, he's not your president because you're not American, in the same way that Kim Jong Un isn't my Supreme Being and Hassan Rouhani isn't my President because I'm not North Korean or Iranian.  It's not difficult really is it?  And you don't see me wandering about the streets with badly made placards, just saying.

The US Election result was this years Brexit referendum.  You can't change the result so stop trying.  You might not like it, but it happened, deal with it.

 


One man who didn't handle Trump being elected decided to create an online petition.

In the petition, Graham Guest wanted to prevent Trump from having a State Visit to the UK because it "would cause embarrassment to Her Majesty the Queen".

Nobody knows if he actually spoke to the Queen and asked her opinion or if he just fucking decided to speak on her behalf.

I'm plumping for the latter, to be honest.

And that sums up the general public right now, embarrassed or offended on another persons behalf just in case.  Now, I'm sure if the Queen really was that arsed she'd prevent the visit herself without needing some poor little leftie loon to go on OnlinePetitionForCryBabies.com

Anyway, the petition got enough votes to be discussed in Parliament.  The response?


WE LOOK FORWARD TO WELCOMING PRESIDENT TRUMP

So fuck you, Graham Guest, you crybaby. Awww diddums.


Not Graham Guest.  I think.

 

Meanwhile, in Scotland

Nicola "Wee Jimmy Kranky" Sturgeon has called for yet another Scottish Independence Referendum, because she didn't get the result she wanted first time.

She must be a fucking nightmare when X-Factor is on.

Now, the funny thing is, say Theresa "The Terminator" May allows a second, third or fourth referendum and Scotland actually votes for independence, who's to say that the EU would actually accept Scotland into the EU?  Sturgeon is assuming that because Scotland is part of Britain and Britain is currently in the EU then if Scotland is no longer part of Britain they'll be welcomed with open arms with immediate effect.

I beg to differ.

I reckon the EU would put Scotland to the back of the queue, behind Turkey and North Korea.

 

Mother of the Year

Unbelievable that the red tops ran with this, in the wake of the Karen Matthews drama, "The Moorside".

How they have the cheek to run with a Kate and Gerry were almost scammed when they've been scamming the public for 10 years about the disappearance of Maddie.

How much money have these absolute bastards had to look for a child that didn't go missing at all!  They're the evil ones.

 

Overcome with grief

On the day of the London attack at Westminster, someone at the BBC must have been really shook up.

Or still drunk from the night before.

Who knows.

 

Single and loving it

Over in Facebook Fuckwitt corner, we have a new nugget of wisdom.

 

And finally...

Game Maker King are being investigated by MI5

See you again soon, honest! :)

Happy New Year everyone!

Hope you all had a good Christmas and are raring to go into a new year, alongside your favourite rant and satire site.

That's this one, you muppet.

So without further ado, let's get going with the first update of 2017 :)

 

The Office Knobhead

Every office has one, right?

 

A new plan...

To combat ISIS!

 

The Year 2016

What a bastard

 

Rocking all over the world

So, one of 2016's victims (the rotter) was Status Quo rocker, Rick Parfitt.

It's expected as his coffin is being lowered into the ground his bandmate Francis Rossi will be playing, "Down, down, deeper and down"

Francis has confirmed the band is going to be renamed from Status Quo to Status Uno.

 

A look back in time

Well, it was It was alright in the 70s

 

Facebook Fuckwitts

More "banned" pictures

 

And finally...

A rant about packaging.

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