Happy Christmas!

It's that time of year again folks, thanks to everyone whose read the site over the last year and those who have contributed and provided feedback.

Hope you have a cracking time and we'll see you on the other side.

Have a good one, you filthy animals.

 

Christmas is cancelled #1

Christmas is ruined for one seven year old brat after he claims a mall Santa Claus told him he would definitely receive a £400 Lego Death Star for Christmas.

Naturally the mother believes the lying little toad, she wasn't with him in the Grotto so she knows absolutely fuck all about what was said, but the kid claims Santa promised the Elves would make the gift for him.

Presumably she hasn't twigged yet that kids lie, she must believe everything the little brat says, the gullible cow.

She stands by her claim saying, "That's what Santa said and that's that", even though she wasn't even there.

So, she's a medium as well now is she?

What an absolute fucking melt.

And look at the picture there, it's a Double Compo-Face.  Twenty points there.

 

Christmas is cancelled #2

In another tale of woe, sorry, BULLSHIT a mother tells how her kids Christmas presents were unwrapped and stolen while she was conveniently away for the weekend.

The mother, a student, claims thieves stole iPads for her three and five year olds plus a PS4 for her eight year old.

She also claims she has been burgled 2 months on the trot.

What an absolute load of shite.

If she has really been burgled once, she'd have got house insurance after the first time.  What sort of dickhead has no house insurance at all?

Insurance is cheap as chips, £10 a month will do, even for contents only.  Possibly less!

She's a student and has been saving since January - sorry but for iPads and a PS4 that's a shit load of money still.  

The burglars had that much time to unwrap the presents first, sounds all too convenient for me.

Let's face it, she's taken some wrapping paper, scrunched it up, claims she's been burgled and then got people to crowd fund her Christmas.

Oh, and what sort of shithouse calls kids Kaedyn and Leevii? Fucks sake.

See you on the other side!

 

Happy Birthday, again.

Wasn't sure if we'd have another update this month but this time it's definitely birthday time, 2 days off our return.

Cheers!

 

Yeah, probably an incorrect "X"? :)

 

Sorry mate, only vegetarian money here

So, a cafe in Cambridge turned away customers who wanted to pay with the new £5 note because they contain animal by-products.

The wankily named "Rainbow" vegetarian cafe displayed a sign outside advising customers that the new £5 wouldn't be accepted.

Presumably the cafe only accepts deliveries made by vehicles which don't use bio-diesel or have tyres?  Since there's glycerin in tyres and all.

The owner probably doesn't brush her teeth either, considering there's glycerin in toothpaste.

Dick.

 

Feminists taking over Hollywood

After the Ghostbusters reboot which deliberately set about casting only females in the roles previously played by Bill Murray et al, there's a new revolution on the horizon.

More films containing only women.

Not sexist at all that, it's only sexist when it's men only, right?

Anyway, the next film is, and I'm being serious here, Oceans 8.

Fucking Oceans Menstru8 more like.

 

Speaking of which

Free days off work for ladies on the blob.

 

Oh, forget it

A dancer from Strictly Come Dancing who claims to have been assaulted has had his case dropped by the Police.

Gorka Marquez needed dental surgery after his teeth were chipped, supposedly after he was set upon by "youths" for no reason after getting out of a car in Blackpool.

He didn't report it at the time and Police have reviewed CCTV of the area the "incident" is supposed to have taken place.  Guess what, they found fuck all.

Just admit it lad, you acted a cunt to someone and they sparked you out. 

Dick.

 

TV Licencing

A new rant about people avoiding the TV Licence

 

And finally

A Christmas song, from us to you, I'm not singing it this time :)

We wish EU a merry Christmas, we wish EU a merry Christmas
we wish EU a merry Christmas, and a Brexit New Year

Glad tidings we bring, to you from Merv King
we wish EU a merry Christmas, and a Brexit New Year

So invoke Article 50, so invoke Article 50
So invoke Article 50, and get us out there

We wish EU a merry Christmas, we wish EU a merry Christmas
we wish EU a merry Christmas, and a Brexit New Year

We'll be back before Christmas for one last update of the year!

Toodles.

 

It's December again which means we're another year older!

MOT is either 1 year old or if we're including all the previous versions we're a whopping 16 years old.

We're officially legal to have sex.

Welcome to the House of Fun, now we've come of age....

 

Monkey on Toast Marketing Division Presents

The official Monkey on Toast 2016 Offvent Calendar.

Yes, that's right.  Under each window is another reason for you get offended at the world, even if you don't know why you're offended.

Everyone else is, so why not join in, right?

Can't wait for number 21, it's a real doozy.

 

Right in the Bullseye

Eric Bristow was sacked by Sky Sports this week after a hastily deleted Tweet where he equated homosexuality with paedophilia.


The Tweet, in relation to the recent revelations surrounding a noncey ex-football coach left the former "darts ace" (as The Sun would call him) embarrassed.

And how could it not?  I mean, come on Eric, it's "would have GONE back" not "would have WENT back".

Darts playing prick.

And so, Monkey on Toast TV is proud to announce, this Christmas, coming to a TV channel near you......

 

ERIC BRISTOW'S

POOF OR PEADO?

That's right!  Our host, Eric will take you through a list of celebrities and you have to guess, are they Poof or Peado (sic)?

 

And finally

Over in Facebook Fuckwitt Corner we've some new material:

My Placenta

Donald Trump is most displeased

Until next time.

Manchester United insider and Toast Fan "Paul Scold" tells us:

England and Man United Captain Wayne Rooney has been in the spotlight of late because he enjoyed a night on the piss at a wedding.

Cue lots of ex footballers jumping to his defence along the lines of “It was his night off, he can do what he wants”.

No, no he can’t.

You see, he’s supposed to be a professional footballer.  He’s the wrong side of 30 and is paid £300K a week.

No, you might say, “But it’s just one night, he’s entitled to a bit of fun, no?

He’s entitled to lots of nights of fun, as we all are.  However, we’re not professional sportsmen paid a fucking fortune are we?

And it’s not just one night, he has been drinking and smoking heavily for years. 

Rooney was with the England setup, when it became apparent he wasn’t going to make the game against Spain.  Whilst some players went out clubbing, Rooney decided to stay in the hotel and ended up at a wedding party.

Having sunk a few and getting a bit lairy, he’d been told to go to bed by the then England caretaker manager, Gareth Southgate. 

Which he did.  Well, he got up to his room, waited for Southgate and co to disappear and then went back down to the bar.

Now, the story is not quite how the papers made out.  He didn’t gate-crash the wedding party, he was invited over by the groom.

But he got absolutely hammered and fell asleep on the keys of a piano at 5 in the morning.

Which makes an absolute mockery of those jumping to his defence, claiming he only had 1 drink.

Maybe he did have 1 drink, but it was a great fucking big one that lasted at least 7 hours.

This kind of behaviour is not new to Rooney, who has struggled with his weight over the last few years.  Unsurprisingly, there has been a sharp decline in his fitness and form over the last 3 years or so.

These things are absolutely linked.

After the story first broke, Rooney made a mealy-mouthed apology before appearing to retract it with an outburst after the United vs Arsenal game at the weekend, claiming his England career isn’t over, he deserves more respect and “enough is enough”.

Which is probably what one of the guests said when Rooney was spotted getting handy with his wife/girlfriend and almost knocked the fat scouser out.

The fact is, Rooney isn’t in a position to do what he wants.  He’s paid to be a professional athlete, and at the moment he is neither.

Both Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi are a similar age, Ronaldo, if memory serves is older than Rooney.  When was the last time you saw Ronaldo pissed out of his head?  Never.

The guy is tee-total, as he wants to prolong his illustrious career.

When was the last time you saw Messi smoking and trying to touch up someone else’s wife?  Never.

There’s nothing stopping Rooney from spending the rest of his life, post-football, being a dribbling pisscan but anyone with some common sense and conscience should be looking at their contribution to both their teams, knuckling down and getting themselves fit.

Rooney is not capable of this, because he’s earning a ridiculous amount of money regardless of whether he plays or not.

He’s often surrounded himself by people who suck up to him, defend his actions and generally give him good press.

These are starting to dwindle now, people can no longer defend his shenanigans and continue to back a player who has the touch of a rapist.

I only had a liccle one, hic!

Log this!

Logging your internet is nothing new.

 

Show us yer thingy!

Need a passport to get healthcare?

Well the weekend update didn't quite happen, mainly due to the weekend not quite happening as planned.

Anyway, all sorted now.  They'll never find that dead prostitute now.

 

America has Trumped!

Well well well, didn't see that coming!  I firmly expected Illary / Killary / Hillary to win the US election.

As usual there's outrage from all over social media by people who seem to be experts in US politics.

Over on Facebook, Darren from Barnsley is an expert.  He's never been to the US and he can't remember what days he's supposed to put his fucking bins out for collection but he knows everything about US Politics.

Get a grip!

The truth is, neither of them are suitable to the President of the United States.  But hey, most of the recent ones haven't.

Reagan, a retarded, washed up, terrible actor.

George Bush, a whopper.

George W Bush, a double whopper with the IQ of a small child.

So what's with the faux-outrage now?  He's a successful business man, it's not going to be the end of the world just yet.

 

Tramps and Fillies

Tramps now accepting contactless payments

Who ya gonna call? Filibusters.

 

Dear Hassan

So I recently got my hands on the Asian equivalent of Dear Deirdre, an agony Aunt (I assume) called Dear Massi.

(This is all absolutely true, I assure you)

Now, it's absolutely nothing like Dear Deirdre.  There's no "I fancy my husbands brother" or "I've slept with my girlfriends mum".

Oh no, nothing of the sort.

It's full of things like:

"My fiance has embarrassed me in front of my family.  It was his third visit to the house and he asked to use the bathroom.  Soon after he said he had to leave and made his Mum get up.

Then my little brother came running down the stairs and shouted, 'Someone has blocked the toilet' in front of everyone..."

Absolute gold.  I don't know about this being his THIRD time at your house, certainly sounds like it was more like his TURD time.

And then there's classics about a woman whose husband doesn't like her wearing make-up.  However, she's more concerned her other half will cut up her credit card than anything else!

It shows just how the others live, eh!

 

Notice Me!

I just want to be liked.

 

And finally...

Monkey on Toast TV launches a new Gameshow

 

Copyright © 2000-2017 Monkey on Toast. All rights Reserved.