What's the colour of money passports?

Over the Christmas period it emerged that post Brexit British passports won't be the maroon ones we have now, they'll be blue instead.

Cue a load of hysterical gimps whining and crying like the babies they are.

It's a passport, it gets you out of the UK and into other countries, the same as your maroon one.

"Airports will know I'm a Brit by the colour of it", claimed one idiot on Twitter, like it really matters!  I'm sure the airport staff will have already guessed your nationality by the fact you're steaming drunk at 8 o clock in the morning.

And do you really think Brits will be singled out because they have a different colour passport?  No, they won't.

And if they are, great, you can scream racism, you lefty bell end.


Train Mail

Here's a short rant about VirginTrains and the Mail.


And finally...

I'm the coolest monkey in the jungle


Happy New Year!

Hope you all had a great Christmas, back to the grindstone now though!

When I was out walking the dog around Christmas time I noticed (being the nosey bastard that I am) that there seemed to be more houses than ever that didn't have decorations up.

This has to be 1 of 2 things:

  1. People can't be arsed with it anymore
  2. There's more Asians moved to the area


Anyway, remember the update from 3rd December where I said there's a house that seems to celebrate everything?  Well, I was out walking the dog on Boxing Day and they'd taken their decorations down that day!  I mean, why would you bother?  

I've heard people moaning on the radio saying they took their decorations down on the 26th or 27th!  Here's an idea, how about not putting your decorations up in fucking August then you might not be sick of them by Boxing Day.


Speaking of Christmas

As we all know, 2017 was the year of the snowflake.  Those offended by everything, whether it sounds logical or not.

Well it seems it's taken 33 years for someone to finally be offended by Band Aid's "Do they know it's Christmas?"

I don't mean offended as in, "God this is shit", because that was me in 1984.  I mean, properly offended!

Now, don't get me wrong, I hate the record as much as I hate the scruffy bastard that is Bob Geldof, but the record was clearly put together at short notice to try and help those in the famines of Ethiopia.

When the scruffy, tax avoiding, hoofwanking pisstrowel and his perma-sunglasses wearing jizzwhisk mate, Bono put the project together they weren't trying to offend people, they were trying to do some good.  Thirty three years on it seems a bit trite, what with all the virtue signalling going on from the pair of them over the years (despite paying as little tax as can be) but imagine being offended at a song 33 years after it came out!

The sticking point seems to appear that someone has decided it's racist and totally incorrect.

Racist?  No.

Incorrect, yes in some respects.  I'd say it's more inaccurate than anything.

I'd say it's probably correct to say that lines like:

"There won't be snow in Ethiopia this Christmas time..." and "Feed Ethiopia... let them know..."

aren't quite as catchy.  So yes, it does generalize and suggest Africa = Ethiopia.

But when you hear the song, it is synonymous with Ethiopia, the news reports, the kid with the fucking fat belly and you shouting at the TV, "Wipe that fucking fly off your face you cunt!"


"Where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow"

Except for like, you know - The Nile.

Or the Congo.

Which incidentally, is full of Um-Bongo.

I shit you not.

So anyway, back to the point, I'm sure there's more shit to be offended about than a song that you have probably heard countless times in your life but as being offended is the new black (I thought Leroy was the new black? Ed) then you thought, "Fuck it!  I'm in my 40's, I've been hearing this song for decades, but you know what!  It really sticks in my craw and by jove I'm going to be bally well fucked off about it".


More Christmas Shenanigans

Before Christmas there were loads of "Christmas is ruined" articles in the papers, mostly done to death now though.

Then I saw this one, which the Daily Fail ran:

A Mother was told by Norwich Council to take this Christmas Tree down from her Stillborn son's grave.

It does look a bit tacky no? It's a 6 foot tree for crying out loud.

The story says the mother goes to visit her stillborn son on a regular basis and usually decorates his grave at different times of year.

Now, I'm not mocking the baby, I've known people who have suffered stillbirths and miscarriages.  I might be a cunt but give me some credit.

The story goes on to say that the mother has a daughter who goes with her to visit.

But this is where is gets a bit weird for me:

The boy, Oskar was stillborn in 2010.

She has a 4 year old daughter called Ola.

She goes on to say, "Ola loves Oskar"

How can she? Really?  She wasn't even born when Oskar was stillborn!  You can't love something you have never seen or known.

She might as well pat one of those charity dogs outside of the shops and say that was their old dog.

I wonder if she's told these lot are her brothers and sisters too?

(The one in the middle is a boy, right?)


More Ebay crap

If you thought, like I, that the Christmas Ebay radio adverts were Bad AIDS then the new adverts are an AIDS Omelette.  

If you haven't heard them yet, there's 2 - one for each gender (because there are only 2 you know) where the protagonist starts singing Kelly Clarkson's "Since you've been gone" however the word "gone" is replaced with "sold".

So it goes something like this:

Since you've been sold, doo der doo, I can breathe for the first time....

It's clearly aimed at the item that's been sold, but it's so annoying!  It's obviously meant to sound all amateurish, and I'm not sure what it is about the advert that boils my piss, it just does.

It seems Ebay are my current Advert Nemesis.  Damn them, and their returns policy.


And finally...

Facebook Fuckwitts on Phil Collins

Until next time, my Pedigree Chums.

Well it's that time of year again, not only is Christmas almost upon us but also it's our 2nd birthday!  Yes, it's 2 years (on the 16th) that we came back.

Thanks to everyone who continues to read and sends in links etc, keep them coming!

You can find contact details on the About page.


2017 - A year in review

If 2016 was the year of the celebrity death, 2017 is the year of the Snowflake!

Yes, those triggered by anything and everything, those millennials who are frightened of hard work, who see life far too simplistically and think they're entitled to everything for nothing.

Sadly I can't see it changing in 2018 either, it's only going to get worse.

In 2018 let's look forward to the following:


  1. More genders being created
  2. More sexualities appearing
  3. All Tories being tried for war crimes because they're evil
  4. More ethnic groups appearing for which idiotic white people will signal they need to feel guilty for
  5. The banning of boy, girl, woman, man in song titles
  6. Middlesex ceasing to exist as a place and becoming a gender

Sounds shit, so on that basis, I'm out.


Congratulations, you're a dickhead!


Porn Gate

Much has been made about the Damian Green porn "scandal", there have been calls for him to arrested and dealt with under the full force of the law.

However, can anyone actually tell me what crime he has committed?

The alleged porn found on his computer was of a vanilla variety, therefore was not extreme and ergo is fully legal.

He hasn't broken any laws with regards to looking at, watching or possessing adult images on his computer, so what do you want him arrested for?

He hasn't done anything illegal at all, if he did indeed possess these images, which we don't know for sure even exist.

If he's done anything wrong at all, it's possessing and potentially looking at these images on what is ostensibly a "works computer", which is no different to the types you or I would use in our workplace.  And like you or I he's likely to be subject to a works handbook, which details all the do's and don'ts in the workplace.

So, if he has had these adult images on his work machine, and there are rules in place prohibiting such items and acts in the workplace then he'd be dealt with internally like you or I would if we had porn on our work computers.

If however the machine was his own personal equipment, then there is no case to answer.

What concerns me more, in all honesty is the vindictive nature of Former Metropolitan Police Assistant Commissioner Bob Quick in the way he revealed the details of the so called scandal.

What's worse is that Quick, who resigned / retired in 2009 still has the alleged evidence to date, something that he should not.  Quick should not be holding any material of any kind, he is no longer a serving police officer and anything he has is owned by the State.  The Police should be doing something about that, what else does this man possess?


Remainers, the caring side

Remainers are so caring


Speaking of Brexit

Doner kebabs could be banned under proposed new EU rules.

Phosphates used in the meat is under review by the EU who are proposing it is banned, effectively killing the entire doner kebab industry within the EU.

Maybe Brexit is a good thing after all, surely it's gotta be better than Kebrexit, right?


You know someone is a real staunch supporter of something when...

They can't even get the name right.



And finally...

Ebay, fill your cart with disputes


Merry Christmas, y'all! :)

It's the third of December and already people have their trees up and today I've actually seen people dressed in Christmas outfits heading off to a Christmas party.

What the fuck?

Listen up, it's too bloody early, alright?

Why on earth do people have their trees up so early?  That damn thing is going to be in your way for the next month.

It seems us Brits just love to celebrate stuff!  A couple of weeks ago I was talking to someone who told me they were having turkey to celebrate "Thanksgiving".

When I asked if her family had Americans she replied, "No, we just thought we'd celebrate"

Celebrate what, exactly?! Thanksgiving is an American event which came about by the Pilgrims celebrating their first harvest.

You're celebrating it because you like turkey.  Dick.

(Not turkey dick, that's different.  Dirty bitch)

I just don't get it.

It seems us Brits will literally celebrate anything, and as each year passes celebrate it earlier.

Halloween, shops start decorating weeks before it now.  Pubs that used to put the decorations up a couple of days before now put them up a couple of weeks before.

Kinda ruins the surprise somewhat.

There's a house round the corner, it's got a side window.  The woman who owns the house must celebrate the opening of a packet of fucking crisps as that window is made up of something every bloody week.  I shit you not, after Halloween there were figurines of Guy Fawkes in the window to celebrate Bonfire Night.

I'm going to start finding all the bizarre "weeks" and "days" that people make up, such as "Nice Gopher Week" and put a reminder through her door, see if the window has a load of gophers in it.  Might even buy her a Gordon the Gopher from Ebay and send it to her house.


More Gender shite!

Can't we just stop this crap now?


Let's ban everything, ever!

Did you hear about the woman who wanted the book "Sleeping Beauty" removing from her kids school because she believes it promotes "inappropriate behaviour"?

I mean, what the fuck?

This is a book dating back to the 1600's, but according to Sarah "Knows fuck" Hall, it promotes inappropriate sexual behaviour because the Prince kisses Sleeping Beauty while she is asleep and therefore she does not give consent.

Well, fucking really!

I assume she's never read the book or seen a pantomine (oh yes she has!) or one of the many film adaptations of it?  It's hardly a hotbed of rape, debauchery and intrigue.

The story isn't about sex, the kiss could be anything.  It could be a touch, it could be anything innocent.

It's not 3 fingers up her dry bracket whilst she's comatose off 3 Blue WKD's.

For fucks sake!

If we're going to get all arsey, where's the consent from the poor bastard Frog in "The Frog Prince" eh?  Oh, that's right, #metoo only works one way.


And finally...

New shit adverts

I appear to be very angry this week.

Until next time!

Everything should be free says Grauniad.

Well not quite, but the headline says this:

And goes on to say:

"Free housing, food, transport and access to the internet should be given to British citizens in a massive expansion of the welfare state", which the Guardian claims will cost £42bn, funded from higher taxes.

Wait, what?

So let's get this right.  They want us to pay more tax to fund free stuff for people who can't or won't work?  But we already pay a shit load in taxes for that same purpose.

Whether the money is going to the correct places now is irrelevant, because giving more money to a mismanaged system won't increase the number of or quality of the services, it just lines the pockets of the thieves who are already taking the cream off the top.

How about we reform the Welfare State first, get it right then see where we are?  Giving everything away for free sounds great in some Lefty Socialist Utopia, but for the love of God we know it can't and does not work.  It cannot.

Socialism sounds great on paper, everything owned by the State, run for the good of the country.  I've even talked it up before with the likes of Tata Steel.  But it doesn't work, which is why we have private companies instead.  Do we want to be like the 70's again where evil Unions decide when people work?  Constantly striking, always on the take for higher wages?

Of course not.

Neither can the country afford to run large public sector organisations.  Us Brits are terrible at running large organisations.  Just take a look at the NHS for proof.

It's all well and good saying "Raise taxes so people can get free internet" but WHY should people get free internet?

It's not that expensive for a basic service, if you need it you find a way to afford it.  Maybe pack in the fags at £10 a pop, 2 packets of ciggies is 1 month Internet.

Reform the Welfare State, modernise it, get people working again and look at getting long term people off benefits.  That's what makes the country productive, not stinging people who already pay through the nose and get bugger all back in return.



Kids should be able to dress up says man in a dress.


And finally...

The Walking Dead has jumped the shark.


Copyright © 2000-2019 Monkey on Toast. All rights Reserved.