It's the third of December and already people have their trees up and today I've actually seen people dressed in Christmas outfits heading off to a Christmas party.

What the fuck?

Listen up, it's too bloody early, alright?

Why on earth do people have their trees up so early?  That damn thing is going to be in your way for the next month.

It seems us Brits just love to celebrate stuff!  A couple of weeks ago I was talking to someone who told me they were having turkey to celebrate "Thanksgiving".

When I asked if her family had Americans she replied, "No, we just thought we'd celebrate"

Celebrate what, exactly?! Thanksgiving is an American event which came about by the Pilgrims celebrating their first harvest.

You're celebrating it because you like turkey.  Dick.

(Not turkey dick, that's different.  Dirty bitch)

I just don't get it.

It seems us Brits will literally celebrate anything, and as each year passes celebrate it earlier.

Halloween, shops start decorating weeks before it now.  Pubs that used to put the decorations up a couple of days before now put them up a couple of weeks before.

Kinda ruins the surprise somewhat.

There's a house round the corner, it's got a side window.  The woman who owns the house must celebrate the opening of a packet of fucking crisps as that window is made up of something every bloody week.  I shit you not, after Halloween there were figurines of Guy Fawkes in the window to celebrate Bonfire Night.

I'm going to start finding all the bizarre "weeks" and "days" that people make up, such as "Nice Gopher Week" and put a reminder through her door, see if the window has a load of gophers in it.  Might even buy her a Gordon the Gopher from Ebay and send it to her house.


More Gender shite!

Can't we just stop this crap now?


Let's ban everything, ever!

Did you hear about the woman who wanted the book "Sleeping Beauty" removing from her kids school because she believes it promotes "inappropriate behaviour"?

I mean, what the fuck?

This is a book dating back to the 1600's, but according to Sarah "Knows fuck" Hall, it promotes inappropriate sexual behaviour because the Prince kisses Sleeping Beauty while she is asleep and therefore she does not give consent.

Well, fucking really!

I assume she's never read the book or seen a pantomine (oh yes she has!) or one of the many film adaptations of it?  It's hardly a hotbed of rape, debauchery and intrigue.

The story isn't about sex, the kiss could be anything.  It could be a touch, it could be anything innocent.

It's not 3 fingers up her dry bracket whilst she's comatose off 3 Blue WKD's.

For fucks sake!

If we're going to get all arsey, where's the consent from the poor bastard Frog in "The Frog Prince" eh?  Oh, that's right, #metoo only works one way.


And finally...

New shit adverts

I appear to be very angry this week.

Until next time!

Everything should be free says Grauniad.

Well not quite, but the headline says this:

And goes on to say:

"Free housing, food, transport and access to the internet should be given to British citizens in a massive expansion of the welfare state", which the Guardian claims will cost £42bn, funded from higher taxes.

Wait, what?

So let's get this right.  They want us to pay more tax to fund free stuff for people who can't or won't work?  But we already pay a shit load in taxes for that same purpose.

Whether the money is going to the correct places now is irrelevant, because giving more money to a mismanaged system won't increase the number of or quality of the services, it just lines the pockets of the thieves who are already taking the cream off the top.

How about we reform the Welfare State first, get it right then see where we are?  Giving everything away for free sounds great in some Lefty Socialist Utopia, but for the love of God we know it can't and does not work.  It cannot.

Socialism sounds great on paper, everything owned by the State, run for the good of the country.  I've even talked it up before with the likes of Tata Steel.  But it doesn't work, which is why we have private companies instead.  Do we want to be like the 70's again where evil Unions decide when people work?  Constantly striking, always on the take for higher wages?

Of course not.

Neither can the country afford to run large public sector organisations.  Us Brits are terrible at running large organisations.  Just take a look at the NHS for proof.

It's all well and good saying "Raise taxes so people can get free internet" but WHY should people get free internet?

It's not that expensive for a basic service, if you need it you find a way to afford it.  Maybe pack in the fags at £10 a pop, 2 packets of ciggies is 1 month Internet.

Reform the Welfare State, modernise it, get people working again and look at getting long term people off benefits.  That's what makes the country productive, not stinging people who already pay through the nose and get bugger all back in return.



Kids should be able to dress up says man in a dress.


And finally...

The Walking Dead has jumped the shark.


Trick or Treat

And that's another Halloween over with, thank god.

I've never been a fan of it, always found it a bit silly to be honest.

You see some kids knocking about that have made the effort, dressing up as vampires, skeletons and what-not.  Then you get the kids who just don't get Halloween at all.

Yesterday whilst driving I saw a kid dressed in a Disney Princess outfit, thankfully it was a girl.  Won't be long until the Gender Police change that though.

But seriously, if you're not going to dress up as something scary then what's the fucking point?

It's like turning up to a game of football dressed for wrestling, if you're not going to take part properly then don't bother.

I guess the snowflake parents just tell their kids, "Oh babez, you can wear whatever you want", but the truth is, they can't, if they want to take part in Halloween they should do it fucking properly.

I only had 2 Trick or Treaters around this year, which is handy as it means I'll still have some Rohypnol left for next year.

Incidentally, anyone want to buy a couple of kids?  


Halloween is too scary.


Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you a humourless, lying nerk.

Sony Kapoor describes himself as "an influential macroeconomist, financial sector expert and development practitioner", which means he's a fucking busybody dickhead.

He tweeted this gem recently, as a reply to this classic:

Which is a letter sent in to Viz.  Not only did Sony not get the fact it's a pisstake but he also lied claiming "Adrian" voted for Brexit.

This is a real problem I have at the moment with the whole Brexit thing.  The country voted to leave the EU.  Whether you agree with it or not we have to accept that decision.

Almost 18 months after the vote to leave I am still sat on the fence, I can see the pros and cons of both sides and if I had to vote again I genuinely don't know which way it would go.

However, this seems to be a thing at the moment where Brexit has to be portrayed by the media as a bad thing.  The BBC is obsessed with joking about Brexit, where it insults and mocks those who voted to leave (Brexiteers I believe they're called).  Question Time and Mock the Week are just 2 of the shows I can think of immediately that does this.

Where are the people on TV taking the mick out of The Remoaners?

Maybe it's got something to do with the fact the BBC obtained a GRANT from the EU.  Hmmm.  Co-incidence?  I think not.

Back to the point, someone as clever and influential as Sony couldn't spot a joke a mile off and lies to make a mockery of someone who doesn't actually exist.

Yep, he's very clearly a massive cunt.



Here's a rant about old people and voting.


And finally...

Fuck the Police off and go private.

Welcome to another update, let's kick it off...

Whatever happened to the Bogeyman?

Nobody does Brexit better

Actually heard someone on the radio today say "Jeremy Corbyn should run Brexit as he will do a better job".

OK, just a slight problem with that, Labour didn't win the General Election so how on earth is the Leader of the Opposition (and therefore Shadow PM) going to run something that is run only by the elected Government?

It's absolutely ridiculous some of the shit that people come out with.  There's still a head in the sand mentality of some who think that Labour actually won the election.  You had your chance, it didn't work, wait until the next time.  But saying "They're not the Government" in your head doesn't make it true, you bastard mentalist.

Try saying "There's no place like home" three times and fucking off.


Time for a short rant...

Shit adverts on the radio


Tory Conference

Theresa May coughed and spluttered her way through a pretty cringey speech this week at the Tory Conference.

Mrs May was poorly sick, having had a cough and a cold all week.

According to some, that means she has to step down.

And then some idiot who plays a terrible "comedian" character on TV managed to get in and hand her a P45.

According to some, that means she has to step down.

And then a letter fell off the wall.

According to some, that means she has to step down.

Bit of a pattern here, no?

You want a woman who had a cough to resign because her speech wasn't as good as it could have been, because she was coughing up a lung?  And I'm in no doubt that had she not done the speech there would have been calls for her to step down for shirking responsibility.

At least she turned up for work, unlike Diane Abbott.  Theresa May has diabetes and showed up to work, Abbott was diagnosed with Type 15 Diabetes and had a few days off.  Or was that because she was sidelined for being an incompetent fool?

Lee Nelson got in and handed her a copy of a P45.  Hilarious.  You think Theresa May should step down because some hairy arsed security guard didn't do his job?

Same for the letter that fell off the wall.  I actually heard some one say "If they can't organise their own conference how on earth can they run the country?"

Really?  You honestly think the MP's and the PM are the one ones with the PMR radios doing the security and sticking letters up on a wall?

Then you're even more stupid than you look.

Let me be clear, I'm not a fan of Theresa May by any stretch of the imagination, but none of those issues are her fault.  Now, if she's suddenly been found to have embezzled £10m from the public purse to spend on Veet or she's found to have Madeline McCann at her house then call for her to step down.

If she makes terrible decisions in future policies, call for her to step down.

Asking her to step down because she's got a cough is absolute lunacy and you need to get yourself in the fucking sea.

And finally...

What has happened to comedy?


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