Happy birthday to us, happy birthday to us, happy birthday dear Monkey on Toast, happy birthday to us!

Yes, it's our birthday.  Can you tell?

When I say birthday, I actually mean from the day we returned back in 2015.

How times flies eh?  So we're officially 3 now, but depending on how you view matters we're actually 18.  So we can legally get pissed and vote for Corbyn [Shut your hole, Ed].

Ban this sick filth

Phrases such as "Bringing home the bacon" could be banned soon according to an academic so as to avoid offending vegans.

Dr Hamzah of Swansea University believes phrases that involve animals and meat will fizzle out.  Not quite sure how the Mirror has managed to use the word "banned" in the article when the only way it can be banned is with legislation.  So, it looks like Dr Hamza (who appears to be the result of a mating session between a monkey and Mary from Gogglebox) plus animal activists (and all round snowflakes) PETA want phrases to no longer contain any animal or meat references.

What phrases are at stake? (Or is that steak?)

"Bringing home the bacon", "killing 2 birds with 1 stone", "take the bull by the horns" and "fuck me, she's a right swamp donkey".

Instead we're being encouraged to use alternatives that don't even make sense.  For example. instead of saying "Hold your horses" we're to say "Hold the phone".

What?   Bring home the bagels?  That's no good, people with wheat intolerance will be fucked right over.

It's a bit of a shit article if I'm honest and Dr Hamzah is clearly as a mad as a box of fro... oh, er matches.



Brexit is a shambles.



There's just 4 shopping days left...

 Until I start lying.


And finally...

Fake Adverts are really annoying!

Until next time chums! 

Welcome to the Christmas Special!

First up, here's a tale about Offensive Christmas Songs.


Rag Watch

You're a bum, you're a punk, you're an Old Slut on Drunk.


Metro Corner

The Metro has outdone itself recently with this absolute corker:

metro santa

Not only has Faima gone full Metro, she's gone full Guardian.

And there's only 2 things in life you should never go FULL on:

  1. Retard
  2. Guardian

I mean, what the hell is she talking about?  Is it wrong to only hire men to play a role of a MAN?  She's proper clutching there, you can smell the desperation a mile off!

Santa Claus is based on a real life person, Saint Nicholas.  It's fair to say that Nicholas was most definitely a man.

So, why would anyone ever want women to play the role of Santa in the first place?  It's just fucked up feminism right there.

So, basically what we're saying is that a woman playing the role of a man is equality, whereas you stick Bradley Walsh in the role of Anne Frank and it's sexist.

What's odd is that after a tiny bit of research I can see that Faima is about as likely to celebrate Christmas as Angie Watts so why the fuck does she care about a fat man in a suit?  Fuck off and take your desperate click-bait back to Knobheadsville.

And finally...

Radical lefty fun police want to change Christmas Cards.

Shops such as supermarkets began charging 5p for plastic bags over 3 years ago now and it seems some people still haven't got used to it!

Time and again you see people turn at up Asda et al and end up buying bags.  Now, they don't bother to buy the 5p ones, no, instead they plump for the 10p ones, because they'll use it again.


Wrong!  Because that bag goes in a bag containing many other bags under the sink.  Never to be used again.

How difficult is it to just remember to take some bags when you  go shopping?  It's really not rocket science is it?

What tickles me more though are the people who refuse to pay the 5p.  I've seen ladies come out of the supermarket with a big box of Tampax (other brands are available) on show to the world.  But the best ones are those who won't pay the 5p in the off licence.

Dude, you've just spent £25 on beer and vodka and you're juggling it like some performer at Chipperfield's all because you won't pay 5 damn pence!  I hope you drop your shit all over the floor you tight get.


Let's stop bullying, but only some of them

So, this Syrian kid who was filmed being bullied and smacked etc by a kid at school.  Horrendous, of course but a little one sided, no?

See, I read this version of the story and just find it a little bizarre.

Let's get this straight, I do not condone this lad doing what he did, he deserves everything that happens to him and probably a whole lot more, what's annoyed me more are two things:

  1. The press - Claiming this kid was waterboarded!  Fucks sake, do they even know what waterboarding is?  Pouring a bit of Evian on someones face is NOT waterboarding.
  2. The outrage aimed the bully who did it

Let's expand number 2 as this is the crux of my issue with it:

Putting a lads name and address on Facebook & Twitter then subjecting him to abuse is er.. BULLYING! You dicks!  It's not much different to what he's done, but without being thrown roughly to the floor and having bottled water poured on him.  

We've all seen the clip, we don't actually know the full story about what's happened.  For all we know the Syrian lad could have been as much of an arsehole but because someone has shared part of a video on social media it makes everybody judge and executioner.

There's so much in the story making the lad to be a victim, there's even claims the bully broke the Syrian lads arm.  His arm is already is a sling in the video you idiots, it didn't happen in this incident and it's been made clear it was not broken by the alleged bully.

The outrage that has accompanied this is just so typical of Brits these days, there seems to be a sheer desperation to virtue signal, to "be ashamed to be British".  Why?  It wasn't you doing this you tart.

Crime has always existed in this country, it's not a new thing, so being ashamed to be British is just so stupid.

And then then there's the money raised for them.  Brits love a "Go Fund Me", they've raised in excess of £130K for him, but why?  Is the victim of bullying compensated in every case?

I didn't see any money being raised for that poor lass who was gang raped by 4 Afghan asylum seekers.  Nobody gave a shit then, so is it only one way?  Like a guilt thing?

It's just ridiculous!

So the general feeling is this:  If someone is bullied or harmed and they're not British and they are harmed by a Brit, it's fucking outrageous and we should start a Go Fund Me for them.

If someone is bullied or harmed and they're British then it's a shame.  If it's done by a foreigner well, they don't know any better see.  It'll be alright.


Gogglebox Destroys...

Yeah, course they did.  This pair of thick as mince tarts from Leeds know nowt about nowt. Have you seen them on Gogglebox for the last 2 or 3 series?  They're proper whoppers, especially the fat one on the right.  Right dickhead.  Just repeats what her equally retarted sister with the awful skin condition says.

The only thing fatty destroys is a six pack of Greggs doughnuts and her sofa everytime she sits down.


And finally...

Men are the devil and sexist and racist


Cor blimey bloody charlie!  It's nearly December, where the hell has the year gone?

So where to start this issue?  Well how about the word "Vile"?

The dictionary defines it as follows:

There should be an addition to it, "Used by The Daily Mail and The Sun every bloody day"

Have you noticed its use?  It must be one of the most overused words in the papers of the last couple of years.

"Vile trolls attack [C-list knobhead]"

Everything a little disagreeable is always described as "vile".  Does my head in, it's like they're trying to make out it's the worst situation that's ever happened so they try to use it as the worst superlative they can find, but sadly it's been used to death so it no longer has the same meaning.

See also vile's very own anagram, "evil".

"Evil X does Y to Z"

I guess it sells papers but evil has been used so much over the years that it no longer has the same effect on us.

Twitter users love the use of vile too.  Vile Brexiteers, vile trolls, vile fucking shits.

Let's get some alternative words in play, eh kids?  Or are vile and evil just long enough not to confuse people?  The Daily Mail and Sun reading plebs would have to look up abhorrent.  Mind you, they'd probably think it's a new way to download films.



Trans women demand FGM


It's 2018....

and BANTZ are illegal.

So, if you read the article, you'll see that a bunch of students from Lancaster Uni are in a spot of bother over a set of T-Shirts they wore on a night out (to a student club).

The clothing had things like "I like 12 year olds" and "Gary Glitter Innocent".

Now, these might be distasteful "slogans" but it's clear the students were just mucking about.  I mean, it's not like they've gone out of their way to get professionally done T-shirts for god's sake, they're written on in felt fucking pen.

One idiot told the Independent, "The issue is that of a hate crime. It should have been reported to the police and those living on campus who could had [sic] been offended".

A hate crime?  What hate crime?  It's offensive to some, sure, which was clearly the aim of the "Snow Sports Society" as they call themselves, but where does this fit into a hate crime?  It doesn't, it's just another set of snowflake idiots trying to find offence in everything.  If you don't find it funny then so what, if you find the content offensive that doesn't necessarily mean you personally are offended, you do know you're capable of just turning away, yes?

To be personally offended surely it has to be directed at you?

I mean, that quote to the Indi, apart from it not making 100% sense (the student was probably drunk at the time), why should it have been reported to the police?  Why should it have been reported to people on campus?  Surely the best thing to do is not give them any publicity and they'll just not do it again when they realise they're not winding anyone up?

Not everything you don't like is a crime, yet.


Vegan Corner!

Vegans demand city name change


And finally...

Generation Snowflake: The Job Interview



Well, Theresa May is taking a battering today eh?  And rightly so, because the deal she's wanting to deliver on Brexit is worse than a No Deal.  

Ask Noel, he'll tell you.

I can see this being May's end.  Deliver a shit deal and resign - her very own mic drop moment but instead of the mic it's a big bag of dog shit.

Brexit is to May what Maddie was to Kate and Gerry.


Fake News!

According to the BBC, "Fake news is not only news you disagree with"


Really?  So we can have news now that's fake just because some mingewipe doesn't agree with it?

How on earth can there be ANY other definition of fake news other than it's news that is fabricated?


Goodbye Walking Dead

The Walking Dead is dead.


Speaking of The Walking Dead

The Walking Dead must be inclusive of Zombies says utter tit


Until next time!

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