Sent your kid to school today for World Book Day dressed as a character out of a book?

You thought you had, now you’re not too sure.

Harry Potter?  Done to death.

Where’s Wally? Neat idea but everyone’s doing that now.

A Frozen character?  Yes that famous book, Frozen! 

You’re starting to waver aren’t you?

Gruffalo?  Not bad.

Willy Wonka? Meh.

Wimpy kid? That’s original, well done, but that’s going to get copied big time. (For once I’m not being sarcastic, seriously, good choice)

But have you considered that your kids are dressing as a character from a book that’s also a film? 

And it’s the film that’s influenced your choice, correct?

Has your child read all (or indeed ANY) of the Harry Potter books?  No?!

Oh, he’s not even old enough to watch the movies yet, so he knows who the character is but doesn't know why.

Classic, you might as well send him dressed as Hitler and say the book’s “Mein Kampf”.

So here at Monkey on Toast we’ve got some original outfits for next year, don’t say we’re not good to you!

 

Why not try:

Tom Gates from any of the Tom Gates books,

Any of the characters from the David Walliams books,

Bob the Ginger Cat,

Topsy and / or Tim (If you’ve Twins of each gender you’re onto a bloody winner there)

Roger Red Hat / Jennifer Yellow Hat / Billy Blue Hat

Dressing your kid as a Kindle? (Or a Nook eReader, I’ve a mate selling one cheap, £20)

 

And if you REALLY want to be original, dress your kid totally in white, write words all over them and say they’ve gone as a Dictionary.

 

My personal favourite, dress your kid up as the Prophet Mohammed from that well known book the Koran.  Kids love that shit.

Your kid might need to leave the school though, and possibly go into hiding.  How long do those Fatwa’s last now?

*Paging Salman Rushdie

So it turns out they are making a musical out of the 2005 Morecambe Bay Cockle Pickers tragedy.

A musical!

I hope they'll be using these classics on it...

In too deep by Genesis
Deep Deep Down by Hepburn
Underwater Love by Smoke City
Drowning by The Backstreet Boys
 
New From Monkey on Toast!
ouija board usbCome and buy the worlds first USB Ouija Board!
Using Plug n Play technology all you need to do is plug it into
 your PC, Mac or tablet and using our patented software you'll be conversing with 
 all sorts of spirits in no time!
 
Our software does all the work, all you do is ask the questions and watch the planchette move to the answers!
 
This is for ADULTS ONLY, you never know when you might summon up the spirit of Jimmy Savile!
 
 
Speaking of Nonces...
 
A high court judge has banned the use of the word Girlfriend!
 
Citroen C1 Advert
 
Have you heard the adverts on the radio for the Citroen C1? They centre around "teenagers" being embarrassed by their parents, specifically Dad as he picks them up from places as such as nightclubs, called "Winkers".
 
All innocent you might think, until it points out that if the kid was over the age of 18 then they could have their own vehicle, namely a Citroen C1.  It's clearly a special deal with road tax and 3 years insurance included but it gives the impression these kids are going out and getting pissed.
 
But it's OK, because if they had their own motor Dad wouldn't have to pick them up, they'd be able to drive themselves home from the club....  Pissed.
 
One of the ads says that one of the girls will "be crying, as usual".  I bet she fucking is, when she's gone through the bastard windscreen of your car.
 
Way to go, Citroen, what a daft bloody advert!
 
And finally...
 
We have a rant about commuting on trains by guest writer Matt!

Now that we have to pay for plastic bags in the supermarkets does anyone else feel compelled to take rival supermarkets bags with them when they go? 
  
Not out of arsyness, more about not wanting to feel like you've pinched the bags themselves? 
  
For example, I went to Sainsburys the other night but took an Asda bag with me. 
  
Why?  Well obviously to prevent the scenario of: 
  
"Excuse me sir, have you paid for that bag?" 
"Yes, yes I have!" 
"A likely story, sir." 
 
You can forget about Dre
 
 
Adam Johnson's Favourite Things #2
 
Tennis score: 15 - Love.
 
And finally...
 
Here's a new rant about door step traders.  The twats.
 

Pump it up

Have you heard about this new Shell “Fill up and Go” app?

According to Shell you scan a QR code on a petrol pump using your mobile phone, enter how much you wish to spend and then simply fill up and go.  PayPal takes care of the rest.

Shell say it’s all done from the comfort of your car, which is a bit of a challenge for me and no doubt everyone else who isn’t Stretch Armstrong, Reed Richards or Peter Crouch.

I still have to get out of my car to fill up.

What doesn’t seem to have been spotted by anyone else though is the fact they’re telling you to use your mobile phone at a petrol pump, which must mean that this sign on every petrol pump is a load of bollocks then?

Quelle surprise. 

 

 

Hey, we're going to Milford Haven...

Here's an article about Milford Haven and the sex tourists.

 

Adam Johnson's Favourite Things #1

Favourite record?  Wiggle it (just a little bit) by 2 in a Groom.

 

Serves 4

Now, I like a meal.  I'm not greedy but at the same time I like to feel that I've at least eaten.

Have you ever bought these cooking sauces and thought, "That'll do for me", and you look at it and it tells you it'll feed the world?

This jar of Sharwood's Chinese Curry sauce apparently serves 4 people.

Really?  How?

Because here's what the sauce along with some chicken looked like in the pan :

It barely fed 2 of us!

And again, this Asda Balti sauce apparently serves 4.  Bullshit, Mr Han Man!

And finally...

There's a new Soapbox rant about religions using hot women!

 

 

 

 

I demand a shrubbery compensation

A student is demanding a FREE LIFETIME supply of KitKats after she bought 8 of the bars and none of them contained a wafer.

Sorry, what?  A lifetime supply just because all 8 of the bars she bought had clearly had some form of defect at the factory and turned out to contain just chocolate.

Now, I'm all for companies reimbursing customers when they don't get what they've paid for and at most Nestle only really have give the stupid bitch 8 replacement bars.

She goes so far to say, "I'd like the CEO of Nestle to respond to my letter because it's an extremely important issue. I'm trying my luck - if you don't ask you don't get."

Is it important?  Is it really?

No, it's not.

She tries to push things further by claiming that she has "been misled to part with my money and purchase a product that is clearly different from what has been marketed by Nestle."

Misled?  For fucks sake, she's not been mislead.  A machine has clearly fucked up a batch of chocolate bars that nobody actually gives a fuck about except a stupid piss lizard with nothing better to do.

She makes matters worse by claiming, "The loss I have suffered is of monetary and emotional significance."

Emotional?  There was wafer missing from chocolate bar, it's not like you've undergone female genital mutilation.

Of course, the final point is that she "would like a full refund of the defective pack of KitKat I purchased. I have also lost my faith in Nestle."

She's lost faith in Nestle, but is happy to ask them for a lifetime supply of goodies from them.

Some people are just utter cretins.  They want everything for nothing.

Nestle should send her 8 new bars with a letter saying that's a lifetime supply and a week later send round someone in a hoody to shit her up.

And then of course we have the baby clothes that Tesco have had to come out and apologise for, due to the misspelling on the front:

Tesco Mispelt Baby Clothes On the left there's an "E" missing from "AWESOME" and on the right there's an apostrophe missing from "DADDY'S"

All well and good, that's what you get when you get your proof reading done by most teenagers.  I expect the kids who made the clothes probably had sweat in their eyes, which didn't help.

At least the couple who reported it weren't expecting compensation.  It really makes a change.

Still, I'm sure there's a company being set up somewhere as I type.

"Have you been affected by Tesco Misspelling?  Then call Twats Direct now!"

Amen!

Has anyone else seen these complete fucktards on Facebook who reply to the posting of dead or injured babies in India, Pakistan or Milford Haven?

Apparently you have to reply with "Amen" because, yes, that will bring back a dead baby won't it?  It might even bring to life the PLASTIC FUCKING DOLL that most of the pictures appear to be.

I don't understand why people, supposedly with a brain do this.  And why hasn't the arse-jacket who posts them being hounded off Facebook or at least reported and kicked off?

That reminds me, I haven't checked my "Ian Huntley Bathtime Fun" page for a while....

And finally...

My wife and kids will tell you how much I hated the Hive adverts.  Well British Gas in their infinite fuckery have made some new ones.

Cunts.

This what I have to say about it.

 

 

 
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