Just in time for my annual rant on Halloween!

I'll look forward to seeing kids going Trick or Treating dressed in terrifying outfits such as Spiderman, Elsa from Frozen and Boris Johnson.


The Grauniad has gone too far

The Guradian asked 538 menstruators.  Menstruators?  I think you mean, "Women".

What the fuck is all this shit?  The Guardian really needs to stop with this lefty nonsense about gender.

Firstly, referring to women as "menstruators" is just fucking vile and dehumanises them.

Yes, some women don't or can't have periods, so they're excluded from this survey but surely they don't need to count in the figures anyway?  It doesn't need to be qualified because it clear from the results what the survery is all about.

The argument of "It's not just women who has periods" is utter tosh, because if Trans Men are still menstruating then they're still women.  You're not a Trans Man until you've completed surgery, pills etc.  Until then, you're a Transit Man.


Brexit deal leaked

A secret Brexit deal has been leaked.


Daft American in huge gaff shocker

A stupid American (are there any other kind?) bitch made a huge gaff last week when she declared:

The dickhead, who is President of the Student Union for Southampton University made the claim on Twitter amongst several others (all since deleted) where she wanted to get rid of the mural featuring "white men", because you know, REASONSZ AND GRRL PWR!

Emily, who had zero support for her tweets clearly knows nothing of the history of the mural, which featured several men in gowns.  Said men went off to war in 1916 and never came back.

History is not usually the strong point of Septics, who let's face it have no history, heritage or common sense (shit loads of guns tho, Go ' Merica!) but all this stupid cow could see was what she perceived to be a vanity project featuring men in gowns - and men in gows must be erased BECAUSE MEN IN GOWNS!! (Wooohoo, Go Me!)

Southampton University immediately (and correctly) distanced themselves from the tweets, Emily deleted it and made an apology a 4 year old would be proud of.

Absolute weapon.


Scientific breakthrough

No need for kids anymore, let's grow people!


And finally...

What has happened to all the serial killers?

Until next time, don't have nightmares.

What time you do you call this?

I know, I'm so sorry!

Again, I sort of fell out of love with everything when the world is just going to shit and we're being dragged back by stupid Lefties getting offended at everything.

The truth is, up until Sunday night I'd decided to kill the site off - the hosting was due to lapse on Monday.

Then, Sunday night I had what they call a "moment of clarity" and thought, "You know what?  I can't just let all the hard work I've put into this site disappear!"

And here we are, on Monday morning I paid for another month's hosting.

The annual renewal is up next month, I can assure you I will renew and we'll absolutely be having more regular updates.


Benders Against Brexit

On Saturday there was a march in London, supposedly to try and rally support for there to be a "People's Vote" on Brexit.

I dislike this term, "People's Vote" as we all had a vote in June 2016 and not everybody chose to use theirs.

Since then, Theresa May has right royally fucked up Brexit negotiations; which is to be expected considering she was a Remainer.  I'm surprised she's bothered with her "Brexit means Brexit" spiel when clearly it doesn't.  She's as useless as a PM as she was as Home Secretary.

 However, amongst the crowds were various "groups" belonging to the LGBTxyz community.

What's ironic about their group names though, including the "Bottoms against Brexit" is that they're quick to label themselves despite pushing back (poor choice of words) when others label them.  The LGBT acronym seems to get longer by the week.

Soon there will be "Twinks to Rethink" and "Gays Against May", with the opposing factions from the Pro-Commando "No-Kecks-It for Brexit" and the sluttish "Wizards Sleeves for Leave".

However, watch this video and honestly tell me those people knew why they were there.  It's almost like a parody.

Not a single person in that video has any credibility.  If the People's Vote movement want to be taken seriously then they have to get rid of the people who turn up to any old march because it's full of other look-a-like jizz spatulas.  

And for the record, yes, I think there probably should be a bit of a rethink, primarily because May's made such a fucking mess of it all.


May the Lord Open

Trans people not keen on Handmaid's Tale.


And Finally...

A short review of 8 Go Rallying


Where you been?

Well, I've not been to London to see the Queen, nor have I been in prison.  Honest.

I guess it was just a little difficult to do updates and satire when life appears to be imitating art.

For example, back in March we brought you this satirical article about a man wanting a smear test.  Only for this article to appear a few weeks ago.

What else has been happening?  Well, a man was convicted for making a joke.

Tommy Robinson was sent to prison, some say for nothing.

Now, whether you like him or not it's clear he didn't really go to prison for nothing.  He was done for contempt of court.  However, what worries me is the speed in which he was arrested and sent to prison; it all happened within a matter of hours.  It's almost like the it was planned by the Establishment.  You don't get that kind of speed out of them normally.

Donald Trump came to England and a load of moaning minnies protested without really know what they were protesting about!

Did you see some of the interviews with all the freaks?  They had no idea why they were there.

One interview went along the lines of, "We're here because like, you know, it's er, like Donald Trump and that, and er we're angry like you know, because it's Trump"

Right, OK.

Meanwhile, an "award winning" comedian that nobody has heard of gets away with going on Twitter posting pictures like this:

Now, this picture is quite disturbing in that the copper is high-fiving Janey Godley - the same police force that convicted Count Dankula for a joke where as the Judge said, "Context does not matter".

I approached the Scottish Police to comment on this picture and did not receive a response.  I bet if the sign had anyone other than Trump's name on it this "hilarious" (sarcasm, dear) comedian would have been prosecuted.

Double standards from an already awful police force.

But this also shows what the level of comedy is now at, it's "peak comedy" to just call Trump names.  Wow, that's proper hilarious.  Shit comedians go for the easy targets, good comedians put some thought into what they're doing.

It's the same with Brexit and why I no longer watch BBC Comedy.

However... Has the BBC started to fight back against the lefty nonsense?  This video from Tracey Ullman's "Tracey breaks the news" is brilliant.


Didn't Happen

Seems to be a new thing at the moment of people posting things on Twitter or Facebook which clearly didn't fucking happen.  For example, at the start of the world cup one person claimed, "I asked my 6 year old son who he wanted to win out of Russia and Saudi Arabia (for the first WC game) and he replied, 'Which one has the best human rights record?'"

Which couldn't be any more bullshit if it was claimed his son was riding a unicorn.

So when I saw this article today it screamed "Bullshit" to me.

A drag queen claims he was "transphobically abused" whilst on a bus dressed in womens clothing.  Really?  Sounds like horse shit.

Wanna know why?

Well, he's a drag queen and therefore not trans...  He can't be transphobed (new word I just made up) anymore than I can be shamed for being a fish.

There's no mention of requesting the bus CCTV, no mention of police involvment and he's so scared for his life he's just so happened to have remembered every single word that was said to him.

Didn't fucking happen.

Then we have this twat on Twitter who claims she "Had lewd comments made about me by four men in what was, at most, a twenty minute journey in", she continues, "It’s hot outside and I should be allowed to be comfortable without being harassed every single fucking day".

Posting a selfie in a tight black dress doesn't come across as "LOOK AT ME!  LOOK AT ME!" at all.  Tight, black dresses, just what you want to be comfortable in on as she says a hot day.

Didn't fucking happen.

And finally...

Let's find the negative in everything




Baby Alfie

Before I start, hear me out.  Don't presume I'm a heartless bastard, because I not.  Not always.

The case of baby Alfie been going on for months, he's spent months in hospital, the doctors have done all they can for him.

So they've requested numerous times to halt any further treatment because, let's be honest, there is no further treatment available apart from a miracle.

The parents, somewhat understandably have persisted with the hospital and doctors to keep the treatment ongoing.  Some might say they're desperate.

And I can understand that.

But they have to be realistic as well, Alfie hasn't responded to treatment, he hasn't gotten any better.  He's in the same state he was before, just a few weeks and months older.

He's in a persistent vegetative state, he's not going to "grow out" of it, there is no miracle cure.  Essentially he's brain dead.

The parents, not wanting to take no for an answer took to social media to help their cause.  Has it helped?  Not at all.

All it's done is show the world that Facebook IS full of morons who think they know better than everyone else, including doctors because they don't want to see a baby die.

Nobody WANTS to see the baby die for fucks sake, it is however the only thing that can be guaranteed.

And of course Facebook sports the "activists" (aka Knob heads), those calling the doctors and nurses "murderers", like they sit around a table in a conference room deciding the fate of children.  Yes, of course Doctor Farad said just this morning in a meeting, "You know that lad in ward 3?  The one with the funny mouth?  No, not him, you know, knobhead one?  Yes, him, well fuck it, I reckon we let him go next, can't be arsed with him the whiny little twat".

 Anyone with any recent experience of the NHS, be it in a work or patient capacity knows it's stretched more than Kate Middleton's tuppence.  These people work their arses off caring for you, me and our kids.  Who the fuck are you to call them uncaring or murderers?

And there's been a few times on Facebook I've seen people actually asking "Why haven't the hospital released a statement about him?"

Well, 2 reasons really, you thick shite:

  1.  Patient confidentiality, the doctors and nurses are obliged to talk to the parents only
  2. It's got fuck all with you, you nosey old trout

So, if you really favour hospitals reading statements out about random patients, here we go love:

"Guy's Hospital would like to announce that Susan here has just been treated for a terrible case of hemorrhoids, and while we were at it we gave her something for her fanny, it's kicking out a right stink".

You want that, Susan, do you?

Leave the hospital to do their job, they know what they're doing.  They're doing what is right for that child, and more importantly what they're doing is LEGAL.

Stop with your faux-activism, and your bandwagon jumping, try even getting yourself a job.


Speaking of Kate Middleton's Tuppence

I see we have a new Royal baby.  And whilst my field of fucks remains barren on the subject I was disappointed to see this tweet yesterday from a leading and very popular TV historian:

I mean, really?  This is from a fairly serious lady, who generally takes no shit on Twitter.  But to come out with something like this shows a lack of class.

I don't know if said historian is struggling with infertility, having IVF or recently had a miscarriage but what the hell has that got to do with the Royal baby?

Making it about yourself, or virtue signalling to others who may be in the situation is just not fair.

It's basically saying, "I can't have a baby so nobody else should be happy about having one either"


Racism Corner

Roulette wheels are racist claims total plonker


And finally...

The BBC annoyed me this week with this article.

Why?  Because the title they used to link it from the BBC News site (which has since disappeared) appeared to be a terrible form of Clickbait and misleading question.

I didn't take a screenshot of it at the time as I thought I'd be able to find it again so only saved the link itself but the link basically said something along the lines of "Has British tolerance finally disappeared?"

Sounds quite ominous, right?  I thought it sounded negative.

So I read the article and found that basically what it's saying is that out of Europe Britain is still incredibly tolerant, according to a poll which saw us rate 53%.

Compared to France, Italy and Spain who were much less and Hungary which weighed in just at 16%.

So why have an article like this where the question is loaded in such a way?

It asks the question "Has British tolerance gone?" and the article should just say "No", because it hasn't.  If it had I'd expect the article to explain why, but it hasn't so it doesn't.

Is this the new BBC?  Turning into Clickbait?

Click this link 15 times to find out.


It's disappointing we find ourselves potentially embroiled in yet another turmoil in the Middle East, after we bombed Syria along with the US and France.

The problem is that what's going on in Syria really is none of our business.  Just like Gulf War 2 where Tony Blair started a war against Iraq alongside George W Bush & the United States.

There was never any proof of Weapons of Mass Destruction, but that didn't stop us going in claiming they were there.

Look how that ended!

Gulf War 1 was different, Iraq invaded Kuwait and we had to get involved.  There was an actual reason.

Syria is just different, there's no real reason.  There's fake news flying all over about Assad using chemical weapons on his own people, yet there's absolutely no evidence to prove that.

Remember those pictures last year when we bombed because Assad had supposedly attacked his own people?  That picture of the little "orphan" chap sat down all dusty?

Yeah, didn't see the pic of him afterwards no?

Funny that, 'cos he was all smiles and jokes.

And that poor young girl who was also an orphan?  Used in at least 4 different shoots.

These things are staged by ISIS to turn those against Assad as it strengthens their position.

Now, granted, Assad is a dictator, but do you really believe he's just used chemical weapons on his own people, for nothing?  It's ludicrous.

Now we're going to be drawn into a war because America sides with the rebels who want Assad out (which is fine) but also gives gain to ISIS.  Russia is supporting Assad, know why?

Because out of all this, he really IS the good guy (Yeah, I know, tallest Danny Devito contest etc).  Russia aren't siding with him because the US are against him, it's not a game.

Theresa May once again has shown how useless she is, the sooner she goes the better!


And finally...

In Satire Corner:

South African to sue Zynga games

Vegans switch focus to animals


Copyright © 2000-2020 Monkey on Toast. All rights Reserved.