Now then folks!  We'd say Happy New Year but Christmas is a mere distant memory now.

Hope you managed to have a good break, we certainly did at Toast Towers - we've been on strike since the 1st January because we believe that ranters and satire writers should get a big pay rise.

Sadly Fishi Bumcrack or whatever he's called disagreed so we've gone back to work.  Unlike the lazy civic servant scum.

Anyway, over Christmas we managed to get onto the latest version of Joomla which was quite a lot of fucking about and there was a bit of downtime due to arsey servers and having to restore backups but we made it.

You probably can't tell the difference but behind the scenes it's radically different.  We'll be testing some new templates thoughout the course of the year to try and give ourselves a new look, we've had the same format since the relaunch in 2015.


Anyway, apologies for this update being late, it was supposed to have been out last Tuesday - blame the cunts at Virgin Media for a total loss of service for DAYS.

Get your retarded looking kid to pull weird faces at it?


Would I lie to you?

Still think the media tells you the truth?  Nope, even in 2023 they're feeding you more bullshit than ever.

Take this for example:

carole flu 1

NHS England couldn't wait to get "Carole" out there.  She was "recently" hospitalised with flu.

"Looking back, not having the vaccine was stupid", she says.  She'd urge everyone to get one.

Even those who don't need it.

I mean, she doesn't look too ill there does she?  And surely if she's still in hospital with "flu" then she'd not be up for having pictures taken etc.

I've had flu a few times in my life and let me tell you, you know when you have it.  The last time I had it, in March 2013, if I'd had been offered death I'd have honestly taken it, given just how awful I felt.

This was AFTER having the so-called flu vaccine in the previous October when told to have it.

But wait on...

carole flu 2

Because it turns out "Carole" is actually a NURSE! She's a senior nurse at a care home in Buckinghamshire and has featured on MANY photoshoots for the NHS.

Can you say "Crisis Actor"?

These people have no shame.


dance around kitchen
Dance around the kitchen? Seems legit.


Woke Software Development

Yeah, really.


contains botulism

Yeah because it contains botulism and you'll shite for weeks


 What does the future hold?

Have we already lived our best life?


And finally...

Some more Ragwatch nonsense!



Hey all, back again!

First up, here's an article about the current state of the country.



zombie virus pfizer

Pfizer are already working on a "vaccine" for it.


Rag Watch

We've got a new Rag Watch for you!


Velma from Scooby Doo

Is a Lezza.


And finally...

We have to wish all readers a very Happy Christmas.  Thank you to all who supported The Toast this year, it's been a difficult one!

We have to thank those who kept us going when we went a bit AWOL.

Rest assured, we've renewed for another year!

Thanks to all who sent stuff in, even if it was just linking up to articles - everything is appreciated.

This will be the last update of the year; over the Christmas holidays I'll be upgrading to the latest version of Joomla.  This is a major upgrade which entails lots of "fucking about" (technical term) so if we disappear we've either been "had away" (not Hadaway, that's different) or I've fucked it up!

Have a lovely Christmas folks, see you on the other side.

xxx (No homo) 


PM Rishi Sunak has been at COP27 which is a climate change event and not a defendant in another police corruption scandal.

Anyway, at the event he promised "climate reparations" to countries such as Pakistan.

Wait on, we're paying Pakistan for what?  Oh, it's because we started the industrial revolution and therefore we must owe them money for hundreds of years of pollution.

Utter madness.  At a time where people are going to struggle to put food on the table as well as heat their homes AND still be able to subscribe to "Babes TV"  we're giving money away to other countries.

We don't owe any other country a thing.  Correct me if I'm wrong but we've given money to countries before who have had disasters, where does that money go?

Does it not go towards fixing the problem they had before?  It must not do.

And really, should we be giving money to ANY country that has a space programme?  Should we fuck.


COVID Amnesty

The Atlantic suggested we have a COVID Amnesty. 

I suggest getting fucked.


And finally...

Here's Monkey Pods Episode 2 - Just Stop, Just Stop Oil.



Hi everyone!

So what's happened since the last update?  Well, Rishi Sunak became Prime Minister even though he lost the voting against Liz Truss.

Boris Jonners tried to return, said he had enough votes to compete but then didn't.  Penny Mordaunt pulled out of the race too leaving just Sunak left who automatically became PM.

Proper democracy that.



Social Media Shitheads

I don't like to gloat when someone dies (usually) but Karma is a bitch sometimes.


Trapped in a ford?  Looks more like a VW to me.


Climate Change

is bollocks.


And finally...

Leicestershire Police stuck this bollocks up on Twitter, claiming the person in it was subjected to anti-trans abuse and that "her" male name is used instead of "her" female name.

An act known as "Deadnaming".

leics police 1

We know the Police have gone all woke, when they attend and partake in Pride events and donning LGB rainbows from their uniform to their cars.

But they didn't bank on people doing a bit of digging arouns this one.

leics police 2

Because here's the picture they used....

and that it can also be found on Stock Image websites:

leics police 3

So basicallty, it's a load of bollocks.  Leicestershire Police has to fess up and admit it wasn't real.

Call the cops.


Until next time, bitches!


Hey all, back again.

The UK political situation is in absolute chaos right now, what we're seeing is the last days of democracy.


The speed of science

I'm hoping 2 updates back you read this article?

And in particular you watched the video from this tweet?

Did you spot the Pfizer Pfucker when she spouted the line about the "speed of science?"

I mean, just what IS the speed of science?

Is it a thing?

speed of science

"Me? Driving too fast officer?  Oh no, I was doing the speed of science see"

It's all bollocks and the Pfuckers at Pfizer know it.  

There's only one definition of the "Speed of science" when it comes to those bastards and it looks like this:

speed of science counter


Remember the Wifi Blaster?

Course you do...

Well, I've found a new scam device!


See you again soon!