A man who hit his wife with a cricket bat was spared jail because he told the court he was a professional cricketer who had just been offered a contract with Leicester.

The aptly named Mustafa Bashir (known to his mates as Must have a bash, here) also made his wife drink bleach - a shocking tale of domestos abuse.

However, it turned out that Bashir hadn't been offered a cricketing contract at all, as Leicester confirmed they had never heard of him.

And he was as good at cricket as David Blunkett.

Such was the outcry that the judge recalled Bash back to court within weeks and sentenced him to 18 months in prison.

Now, how the hell did he get away with it the first time?  When he offered his sob story about his professional contract why did the prosecution team not chase it up, you know, by making asking Leicester County Cricket if they'd heard of the cunt?

It's a 2 minute job to be fair.

Only after the story became public did Leicester say, "Hang on, who's this shit gibbon we've been linked with?" and set the record straight.

Bashir should have been done for perjury as well as domestic abuse.

Owzat, me old china?

 


Ironyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

 

Wonga!

So it turns out Wonga, the Pay Day loan sharks have been hacked.  A long time MoT fan tells us:

"Wonga have been hacked, potentially giving cyber criminals access to the details of thousands of empty bank accounts.

Criminals can use the customer details to apply for credit cards and loans which will be instantly refused due to poor credit ratings."

 

Meanwhile, in Primark

An outraged snowflake forced Primark to remove a T-shirt from their stores which featured a picture of Lucille, the baseball bat from The Walking Dead along with Negan's slogan, "Eeny Meeny Miny Moe"

The reason for his outrage?  He says it's a racist slogan.

No, not it really isn't you prick!

Now, we know that slogan CAN be used in conjunction with the N word, but it isn't in the TV show.  There are no racial undertones to The Walking Dead whatsoever, so how can 1 man arrive at such a ridiculous decision?

Ian Lucraft from Sheffield was so disgusted by the T-Shirt that he wrote a stinging letter to the store and forced it to remove the T-Shirt.

Now, let's take this a little further.

Ian Lucraft isn't just another shopper.  He's a Methodist Minister.

He also does not watch TWD.

So he's arrived at a totally ill informed decision by WHAT he THINKS, he thinks it could be racist and therefore it must be, yet having never watched the show he could not be any more wrong.

All this from a man who preaches about a mythical man that lives in the clouds and his so called prick of a son who died and came back to life. Sure he did, dickhead, sure he did.

GET A FUCKING LIFE YOU SAD TWAT.

 

Worst Jackie Chan Film.  EVER.

 

And finally...

A little rant about Ed Sheeran and Matt Cardle.
 

Jesus Christ.

Where?!

Nowhere.

Where on earth does time go?  I can't believe it's been so long since the last update.

I've not been in prison or anything, honest, I just haven't had the time to sit down and write shit.

It's not like anything has happened in the last few months anyway, is it?

Oh.

So, what HAS happened?

Well, Donald Trump defied the odds and became the President of the United States of America, which is frankly fucking hilarious.

I don't think his time in office will be that long, and if all the snowflakes get their way he'll be impeached, probably for breaking wind in a public area or something.

You see, even though he was democratically elected, all the Clinton supporters chose to behave like spoiled little brats and spat their dummies out.  In fact, even idiots from the UK decided to join in the "He's not my President" bandwagon.  And you know what, you're goddamn right he's not your President, and you know why?

BECAUSE YOU'RE ENGLISH AND BORN IN WINCHESTER YOU FUCKING SHITEHAWK.

Ahem.

That's right, he's not your president because you're not American, in the same way that Kim Jong Un isn't my Supreme Being and Hassan Rouhani isn't my President because I'm not North Korean or Iranian.  It's not difficult really is it?  And you don't see me wandering about the streets with badly made placards, just saying.

The US Election result was this years Brexit referendum.  You can't change the result so stop trying.  You might not like it, but it happened, deal with it.

 


One man who didn't handle Trump being elected decided to create an online petition.

In the petition, Graham Guest wanted to prevent Trump from having a State Visit to the UK because it "would cause embarrassment to Her Majesty the Queen".

Nobody knows if he actually spoke to the Queen and asked her opinion or if he just fucking decided to speak on her behalf.

I'm plumping for the latter, to be honest.

And that sums up the general public right now, embarrassed or offended on another persons behalf just in case.  Now, I'm sure if the Queen really was that arsed she'd prevent the visit herself without needing some poor little leftie loon to go on OnlinePetitionForCryBabies.com

Anyway, the petition got enough votes to be discussed in Parliament.  The response?


WE LOOK FORWARD TO WELCOMING PRESIDENT TRUMP

So fuck you, Graham Guest, you crybaby. Awww diddums.


Not Graham Guest.  I think.

 

Meanwhile, in Scotland

Nicola "Wee Jimmy Kranky" Sturgeon has called for yet another Scottish Independence Referendum, because she didn't get the result she wanted first time.

She must be a fucking nightmare when X-Factor is on.

Now, the funny thing is, say Theresa "The Terminator" May allows a second, third or fourth referendum and Scotland actually votes for independence, who's to say that the EU would actually accept Scotland into the EU?  Sturgeon is assuming that because Scotland is part of Britain and Britain is currently in the EU then if Scotland is no longer part of Britain they'll be welcomed with open arms with immediate effect.

I beg to differ.

I reckon the EU would put Scotland to the back of the queue, behind Turkey and North Korea.

 

Mother of the Year

Unbelievable that the red tops ran with this, in the wake of the Karen Matthews drama, "The Moorside".

How they have the cheek to run with a Kate and Gerry were almost scammed when they've been scamming the public for 10 years about the disappearance of Maddie.

How much money have these absolute bastards had to look for a child that didn't go missing at all!  They're the evil ones.

 

Overcome with grief

On the day of the London attack at Westminster, someone at the BBC must have been really shook up.

Or still drunk from the night before.

Who knows.

 

Single and loving it

Over in Facebook Fuckwitt corner, we have a new nugget of wisdom.

 

And finally...

Game Maker King are being investigated by MI5

See you again soon, honest! :)

Happy New Year everyone!

Hope you all had a good Christmas and are raring to go into a new year, alongside your favourite rant and satire site.

That's this one, you muppet.

So without further ado, let's get going with the first update of 2017 :)

 

The Office Knobhead

Every office has one, right?

 

A new plan...

To combat ISIS!

 

The Year 2016

What a bastard

 

Rocking all over the world

So, one of 2016's victims (the rotter) was Status Quo rocker, Rick Parfitt.

It's expected as his coffin is being lowered into the ground his bandmate Francis Rossi will be playing, "Down, down, deeper and down"

Francis has confirmed the band is going to be renamed from Status Quo to Status Uno.

 

A look back in time

Well, it was It was alright in the 70s

 

Facebook Fuckwitts

More "banned" pictures

 

And finally...

A rant about packaging.

Happy Christmas!

It's that time of year again folks, thanks to everyone whose read the site over the last year and those who have contributed and provided feedback.

Hope you have a cracking time and we'll see you on the other side.

Have a good one, you filthy animals.

 

Christmas is cancelled #1

Christmas is ruined for one seven year old brat after he claims a mall Santa Claus told him he would definitely receive a £400 Lego Death Star for Christmas.

Naturally the mother believes the lying little toad, she wasn't with him in the Grotto so she knows absolutely fuck all about what was said, but the kid claims Santa promised the Elves would make the gift for him.

Presumably she hasn't twigged yet that kids lie, she must believe everything the little brat says, the gullible cow.

She stands by her claim saying, "That's what Santa said and that's that", even though she wasn't even there.

So, she's a medium as well now is she?

What an absolute fucking melt.

And look at the picture there, it's a Double Compo-Face.  Twenty points there.

 

Christmas is cancelled #2

In another tale of woe, sorry, BULLSHIT a mother tells how her kids Christmas presents were unwrapped and stolen while she was conveniently away for the weekend.

The mother, a student, claims thieves stole iPads for her three and five year olds plus a PS4 for her eight year old.

She also claims she has been burgled 2 months on the trot.

What an absolute load of shite.

If she has really been burgled once, she'd have got house insurance after the first time.  What sort of dickhead has no house insurance at all?

Insurance is cheap as chips, £10 a month will do, even for contents only.  Possibly less!

She's a student and has been saving since January - sorry but for iPads and a PS4 that's a shit load of money still.  

The burglars had that much time to unwrap the presents first, sounds all too convenient for me.

Let's face it, she's taken some wrapping paper, scrunched it up, claims she's been burgled and then got people to crowd fund her Christmas.

Oh, and what sort of shithouse calls kids Kaedyn and Leevii? Fucks sake.

See you on the other side!

 

Happy Birthday, again.

Wasn't sure if we'd have another update this month but this time it's definitely birthday time, 2 days off our return.

Cheers!

 

Yeah, probably an incorrect "X"? :)

 

Sorry mate, only vegetarian money here

So, a cafe in Cambridge turned away customers who wanted to pay with the new £5 note because they contain animal by-products.

The wankily named "Rainbow" vegetarian cafe displayed a sign outside advising customers that the new £5 wouldn't be accepted.

Presumably the cafe only accepts deliveries made by vehicles which don't use bio-diesel or have tyres?  Since there's glycerin in tyres and all.

The owner probably doesn't brush her teeth either, considering there's glycerin in toothpaste.

Dick.

 

Feminists taking over Hollywood

After the Ghostbusters reboot which deliberately set about casting only females in the roles previously played by Bill Murray et al, there's a new revolution on the horizon.

More films containing only women.

Not sexist at all that, it's only sexist when it's men only, right?

Anyway, the next film is, and I'm being serious here, Oceans 8.

Fucking Oceans Menstru8 more like.

 

Speaking of which

Free days off work for ladies on the blob.

 

Oh, forget it

A dancer from Strictly Come Dancing who claims to have been assaulted has had his case dropped by the Police.

Gorka Marquez needed dental surgery after his teeth were chipped, supposedly after he was set upon by "youths" for no reason after getting out of a car in Blackpool.

He didn't report it at the time and Police have reviewed CCTV of the area the "incident" is supposed to have taken place.  Guess what, they found fuck all.

Just admit it lad, you acted a cunt to someone and they sparked you out. 

Dick.

 

TV Licencing

A new rant about people avoiding the TV Licence

 

And finally

A Christmas song, from us to you, I'm not singing it this time :)

We wish EU a merry Christmas, we wish EU a merry Christmas
we wish EU a merry Christmas, and a Brexit New Year

Glad tidings we bring, to you from Merv King
we wish EU a merry Christmas, and a Brexit New Year

So invoke Article 50, so invoke Article 50
So invoke Article 50, and get us out there

We wish EU a merry Christmas, we wish EU a merry Christmas
we wish EU a merry Christmas, and a Brexit New Year

We'll be back before Christmas for one last update of the year!

Toodles.

 
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