Happy Birthday, again.

Wasn't sure if we'd have another update this month but this time it's definitely birthday time, 2 days off our return.



Yeah, probably an incorrect "X"? :)


Sorry mate, only vegetarian money here

So, a cafe in Cambridge turned away customers who wanted to pay with the new £5 note because they contain animal by-products.

The wankily named "Rainbow" vegetarian cafe displayed a sign outside advising customers that the new £5 wouldn't be accepted.

Presumably the cafe only accepts deliveries made by vehicles which don't use bio-diesel or have tyres?  Since there's glycerin in tyres and all.

The owner probably doesn't brush her teeth either, considering there's glycerin in toothpaste.



Feminists taking over Hollywood

After the Ghostbusters reboot which deliberately set about casting only females in the roles previously played by Bill Murray et al, there's a new revolution on the horizon.

More films containing only women.

Not sexist at all that, it's only sexist when it's men only, right?

Anyway, the next film is, and I'm being serious here, Oceans 8.

Fucking Oceans Menstru8 more like.


Speaking of which

Free days off work for ladies on the blob.


Oh, forget it

A dancer from Strictly Come Dancing who claims to have been assaulted has had his case dropped by the Police.

Gorka Marquez needed dental surgery after his teeth were chipped, supposedly after he was set upon by "youths" for no reason after getting out of a car in Blackpool.

He didn't report it at the time and Police have reviewed CCTV of the area the "incident" is supposed to have taken place.  Guess what, they found fuck all.

Just admit it lad, you acted a cunt to someone and they sparked you out. 



TV Licencing

A new rant about people avoiding the TV Licence


And finally

A Christmas song, from us to you, I'm not singing it this time :)

We wish EU a merry Christmas, we wish EU a merry Christmas
we wish EU a merry Christmas, and a Brexit New Year

Glad tidings we bring, to you from Merv King
we wish EU a merry Christmas, and a Brexit New Year

So invoke Article 50, so invoke Article 50
So invoke Article 50, and get us out there

We wish EU a merry Christmas, we wish EU a merry Christmas
we wish EU a merry Christmas, and a Brexit New Year

We'll be back before Christmas for one last update of the year!



It's December again which means we're another year older!

MOT is either 1 year old or if we're including all the previous versions we're a whopping 16 years old.

We're officially legal to have sex.

Welcome to the House of Fun, now we've come of age....


Monkey on Toast Marketing Division Presents

The official Monkey on Toast 2016 Offvent Calendar.

Yes, that's right.  Under each window is another reason for you get offended at the world, even if you don't know why you're offended.

Everyone else is, so why not join in, right?

Can't wait for number 21, it's a real doozy.


Right in the Bullseye

Eric Bristow was sacked by Sky Sports this week after a hastily deleted Tweet where he equated homosexuality with paedophilia.

The Tweet, in relation to the recent revelations surrounding a noncey ex-football coach left the former "darts ace" (as The Sun would call him) embarrassed.

And how could it not?  I mean, come on Eric, it's "would have GONE back" not "would have WENT back".

Darts playing prick.

And so, Monkey on Toast TV is proud to announce, this Christmas, coming to a TV channel near you......




That's right!  Our host, Eric will take you through a list of celebrities and you have to guess, are they Poof or Peado (sic)?


And finally

Over in Facebook Fuckwitt Corner we've some new material:

My Placenta

Donald Trump is most displeased

Until next time.

Manchester United insider and Toast Fan "Paul Scold" tells us:

England and Man United Captain Wayne Rooney has been in the spotlight of late because he enjoyed a night on the piss at a wedding.

Cue lots of ex footballers jumping to his defence along the lines of “It was his night off, he can do what he wants”.

No, no he can’t.

You see, he’s supposed to be a professional footballer.  He’s the wrong side of 30 and is paid £300K a week.

No, you might say, “But it’s just one night, he’s entitled to a bit of fun, no?

He’s entitled to lots of nights of fun, as we all are.  However, we’re not professional sportsmen paid a fucking fortune are we?

And it’s not just one night, he has been drinking and smoking heavily for years. 

Rooney was with the England setup, when it became apparent he wasn’t going to make the game against Spain.  Whilst some players went out clubbing, Rooney decided to stay in the hotel and ended up at a wedding party.

Having sunk a few and getting a bit lairy, he’d been told to go to bed by the then England caretaker manager, Gareth Southgate. 

Which he did.  Well, he got up to his room, waited for Southgate and co to disappear and then went back down to the bar.

Now, the story is not quite how the papers made out.  He didn’t gate-crash the wedding party, he was invited over by the groom.

But he got absolutely hammered and fell asleep on the keys of a piano at 5 in the morning.

Which makes an absolute mockery of those jumping to his defence, claiming he only had 1 drink.

Maybe he did have 1 drink, but it was a great fucking big one that lasted at least 7 hours.

This kind of behaviour is not new to Rooney, who has struggled with his weight over the last few years.  Unsurprisingly, there has been a sharp decline in his fitness and form over the last 3 years or so.

These things are absolutely linked.

After the story first broke, Rooney made a mealy-mouthed apology before appearing to retract it with an outburst after the United vs Arsenal game at the weekend, claiming his England career isn’t over, he deserves more respect and “enough is enough”.

Which is probably what one of the guests said when Rooney was spotted getting handy with his wife/girlfriend and almost knocked the fat scouser out.

The fact is, Rooney isn’t in a position to do what he wants.  He’s paid to be a professional athlete, and at the moment he is neither.

Both Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi are a similar age, Ronaldo, if memory serves is older than Rooney.  When was the last time you saw Ronaldo pissed out of his head?  Never.

The guy is tee-total, as he wants to prolong his illustrious career.

When was the last time you saw Messi smoking and trying to touch up someone else’s wife?  Never.

There’s nothing stopping Rooney from spending the rest of his life, post-football, being a dribbling pisscan but anyone with some common sense and conscience should be looking at their contribution to both their teams, knuckling down and getting themselves fit.

Rooney is not capable of this, because he’s earning a ridiculous amount of money regardless of whether he plays or not.

He’s often surrounded himself by people who suck up to him, defend his actions and generally give him good press.

These are starting to dwindle now, people can no longer defend his shenanigans and continue to back a player who has the touch of a rapist.

I only had a liccle one, hic!

Log this!

Logging your internet is nothing new.


Show us yer thingy!

Need a passport to get healthcare?

Well the weekend update didn't quite happen, mainly due to the weekend not quite happening as planned.

Anyway, all sorted now.  They'll never find that dead prostitute now.


America has Trumped!

Well well well, didn't see that coming!  I firmly expected Illary / Killary / Hillary to win the US election.

As usual there's outrage from all over social media by people who seem to be experts in US politics.

Over on Facebook, Darren from Barnsley is an expert.  He's never been to the US and he can't remember what days he's supposed to put his fucking bins out for collection but he knows everything about US Politics.

Get a grip!

The truth is, neither of them are suitable to the President of the United States.  But hey, most of the recent ones haven't.

Reagan, a retarded, washed up, terrible actor.

George Bush, a whopper.

George W Bush, a double whopper with the IQ of a small child.

So what's with the faux-outrage now?  He's a successful business man, it's not going to be the end of the world just yet.


Tramps and Fillies

Tramps now accepting contactless payments

Who ya gonna call? Filibusters.


Dear Hassan

So I recently got my hands on the Asian equivalent of Dear Deirdre, an agony Aunt (I assume) called Dear Massi.

(This is all absolutely true, I assure you)

Now, it's absolutely nothing like Dear Deirdre.  There's no "I fancy my husbands brother" or "I've slept with my girlfriends mum".

Oh no, nothing of the sort.

It's full of things like:

"My fiance has embarrassed me in front of my family.  It was his third visit to the house and he asked to use the bathroom.  Soon after he said he had to leave and made his Mum get up.

Then my little brother came running down the stairs and shouted, 'Someone has blocked the toilet' in front of everyone..."

Absolute gold.  I don't know about this being his THIRD time at your house, certainly sounds like it was more like his TURD time.

And then there's classics about a woman whose husband doesn't like her wearing make-up.  However, she's more concerned her other half will cut up her credit card than anything else!

It shows just how the others live, eh!


Notice Me!

I just want to be liked.


And finally...

Monkey on Toast TV launches a new Gameshow


Boom, pop, fizz.

And so the crappy part of the years continues, after Halloween comes the crapfest that is Bonfire Night.

Or as retards call it “Bomfire” or even “Bombfire” Night.

It’s not the bonfires themselves that piss me off, but more the fireworks.

Fireworks shouldn’t be available for the general public, they’re a menace.

It’s been a problem for a few years now, as soon as they’re available there’s people letting them off every night, all the way up to November 5th, and beyond.

I know that shops are now limited to when they can sell them but it doesn’t stop some of these shops who can somehow sell them all year round.

I am firmly of the belief that fireworks should only be able to be sold to and used for organised displays.

Am I being a miserable killjoy here?  Not really, just think about it.

You can either go to a well organised display, where the standard of firework (no pun intended) is of the highest quality and where you’ll see a great display.  You might have to pay a small entrance fee, but you’ll probably get pie and peas.  Maybe even some Parkin.

Or you can go to the Malone’s round the corner, go through £100 of substandard fireworks in 3 seconds and probably see bugger all. 

If the use of fireworks is limited to proper organised displays then we won’t have accidents, vandalism and general fuckery associated with a country littered with retards.


Hve u gt insurence?

Facebook has blocked a trial by Insurer Admiral who wanted to view young drivers' profiles in order to use them when pricing premiums.

The app was supposed to look at the user's likes and posts in order to judge their safety as a driver.  If the driver was deemed "not a fucking dickhead" they'd offer a discount.

Have you SEEN the profiles of today's youth?  I've not seen many, mainly because I'm not a paedophile but the ones I have seen are dreadful!

In between duckface pictures, eyebrows "on fleek", likes of "My mum said if I can get 100000 likes I can get some new breasts" and posts that start with "OMG" I'm not surprised Admiral wanted to give it a go, they probably wanted to put the prices up for the stupid twats.



Ryan Giggs in line for every job going

And finally...

We'll be back over the weekend with another update... :)



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