This is a genuine screenshot of what MSN news looked like yesterday.

Nigel Farage resign headline along with an advert for Canesten.

That's Canesten.

For thrush.

What does Nigel Farage and an irritating twat have in common?

I'll just leave this here, m'lud.

Swiper, no swiping!

There's a new rant about online dating.


How racist!

Polish boy told to “Go home”


James Martin is still pissing me off

Asda are still pushing the “I don’t usually do <day of week>” adverts but now there’s more than ever.

Because Sunday and Thursday are now the same.

And he’s moved on to men.

According to “Richard” he as a trip to The Lakes with his boys this week and needs something to fuel them up Scarfell Pike.

Now, first things first.  Why is he taking his lads out of school to drag their whiny arses up Scarfell Pike?

Twice a week.

James’ marvellous “recipe” is to cut a tiger loaf in half, stick some roast chicken and pesto in, stick the lid and let the bread get all moist.

Like his kids will eat that.

Just give the fuckers some Dairylea and save the chicken for yourself.

I really hate this adverts though, really REALLY hate them.


New rant!

Here's a new rant about the EU Referendum, democracy and the state of the country.



The UK has banned flags.

Apologies for no update last week, I was working on something.... And I couldn't get it right...

More on that later...


Orlando, Boom.

After Orlando where 50 people were murdered, basically for being gay, the root cause is still being analysed.

Some say he pledged allegiance to ISIS shortly before carrying his act of violence out on innocent victims.

Whether that's true or not, does it matter?  He's still a murderer.

Word is now that he was in fact a regular visitor to the club, not in a reconnaisance way but in a "I'd like to meet men" way.

He's also been said to have been on gay dating apps.

For all intents and purposes, the guy was gay.  We live in a modern society, we all accept that, right?

Except the guy was a Muslim.

And instead of dealing with his sexuality like everybody else, he decided that he didn't like what he was.

I'm sure there are people who feel like this all over the world.  Not everyone accepts their own sexuality, so they suppress it.

What they don't do it take a gun and go and tear shit up.

Omar obviously had a decision to make, be gay and accepted by his peers or be dictated by a savage religion.

He could have used his religion as a reason not to frequent gay clubs and be with men.

But he took it one step further, a step much too far.

He killed innocent people in the name of his religion.

A lot has been made about this attack as being homophobic, personally I don't think it is.

I think this was an attack born out of Omar's inability to be a person, what he was was just a Muslim.

Muslims can be gay just like any religion.

The radicals will argue that this cannot be the case, which is why gay men are beheaded or thrown off buildings in the Middle East.

Only a radical would put religion over life, instead of being happy with his lot, leading the life he clearly wanted he had to go with the radical side of Islam and do something about it.

He chose the wrong option.

The Koran may well say that homosexuality is wrong, in the same way the Bible does.  But we don't live in the stone age anymore.

The only talking snakes are in The Jungle Book.

Do you have to take YOUR book so literally?

Do you REALLY need a book written thousands of years ago to tell you how to live your life?

Of course you don't.  Regardless of your religion, we are governed by laws and morals.

If the Muslims don't like the way we are in the West, why do they come here?  It makes no sense.

It's an old cliche that us Westerners wouldn't go to Iran, Iraq, Saudi etc. and behave the way we do here without expecting some kind of consequences or retribution, it's old but it's true.  No matter how beautiful some of these countries are (or were before ISIS got hold) I wouldn't go if I felt that the way I lived was against how the locals lived.

Maybe we should limit the Muslims we DO take into the country?

How about we only accept the gay ones?

And hope they're not suicide bummers.


Vote Beaver


Referendum is almost here

We're 2 days away from the EU Referendum and the dirty tricks are still in full swing.

Current polls make it look like Brexit could well win here, so Politicians are calling for the Referendum to be cancelled altogether.

Not exactly democratic is it?

The fact is, no side really knows what will happen if we leave OR stay in, you can't predict the future.

But if we DID leave, would it really be that bad?

Chances are other countries would follow, and maybe, just maybe that is what the EU needs as a whole?

A chance to get out and reform.

David Cameron has been saying today that if we left that is it for good, there is no turning back.  However, I am absolutely certain that if a future Government decided we had to be back in then there we'd be welcomed back.  The EU needs us.

I'm all reform, and Brexit could actually be a way of many countries pulling out of a union, working together to create EU2.

Who knows.

No matter what the decision on the 23rd it has to be ratified by Parliament, so they'll vote against a Brexit happening anyway.

Which I presume is the only reason Cameron allowed the Referendum in the first place.


Tell me why I don't like....

There's a mini-rant about James Martin's Asda adverts.


And finally...

An EU Referendum song, just for you!

The Daily Fail

The Daily Mail ran a story a few days ago about a student who tore into David Cameron during a live TV debate.

During the debate she accused pig loving Cameron of waffling and scaremongering over the EU referendum.

Student Soraya Bouazzaoui interrupted the Prime Minister as he bumbled his way through a pitch for the Remain campaign.

She’s since won plaudits on Twitter from people saying that she managed to say what other people were thinking.

However, the article (which has since been rewritten, I hasten to add) then goes on about Soraya herself, how she likes to party and post selfies on Facebook – many of which “attract Likes”.

Now, here is the crux of many a Daily Mail article, it’s all about the Likes!

What the hell does posting selfies and people “liking” them have to do with anything at all?  The original article (before it was extended to contain more content about the referendum and the EU and less about Soraya) went into great detail about the kind of pictures she posted on Facebook and how many likes she got, rather than concentrating on her views on the EU.

But then again, is that even news? 

Woman tells Cameron he’s waffling shocker!

Student who isn’t a politician has view on EU EXCLUSIVE!

I have an opinion on the EU but it’s not on the cover of any newspaper, it’s not news.

But this kind of shit is typical of the Daily Mail.

I don’t read the Mail by the way, it’s badly written nonsense which is published without being proof read or spell checked (hence the article last year which stated a man had been “Shit dead”) but I do like to go on the site for material.

Another thing about the Daily Mail is that they’re obsessed with age, as if it’s new to them.

I saw 2 articles the other day which could have acted as a template for “What has happened to x celebrity?!

The first one was about Hugh Grant, asking the question “What’s happened to Hugh Grant?

He was on a beach, he’s got a bit of a paunch, moobs, and was wearing baggy shorts.

Fuck me, is that the worst they can do?  Is that news?

So, what HAS happened to Hugh Grant?  Well, he’s got older for a start.  He’s 55 now. 

Is he supposed to hit the gym 5 times a week to keep some vapid blert at “FeMail” happy?   

Since when has it been a crime for a 55 year old fella to have a belly, moobs and a shit haircut?

And then on the same day the other “article” in “FeMail” showed 6 actors and actresses from some American show I’ve never seen.

It showed them 10 years ago and then again now, and asked the usual question “What the hell has happened to the cast of <Insert show name here>?

The answer is that, funnily enough, they look about 10 years older because, you know, they pissing well are 10 years older.

Given that they’ve gone from their 20’s to their 30’s they’re still good looking people and haven’t really changed that much.  Ones got bigger tits, one fella has a beard.

The Mail is obsessed with it though, they just can’t comprehend that we all get older. 


All Rosie

News reaches Toast Towers about Rose West and the prison football team.



The forum has been removed as it was about as popular as Judas.


More cliches

Remember the rant about Shit things about TV and Movies well there's a part 2 now!


Kim Thong Un

Turns out Kim Jong Un likes ladies pants!


A big shout out

We're told Chris Evans has a new job.


And finally...

Here's some more thoughts on the EU referendum.


What ho, old bean.

A posh University Challenge student has been charged with rape.

Bartholomew Cuthbert Joly de Lotbiniere has been alledged to have carried out a string of sex offences including rape.

If he's convicted I reckon he should change his name to "Lobitinthere"


Things overheard in the playground #261

"X (aged 9) got Star of the Week this week because he used toilet paper instead of his hand"

Hygienic.  And this is the same school where a Muslim kid called a non Muslim kid "dirty" because she had a ham sandwich.

Dirty?  Dirty is wiping your arse with your hand, pal.


James Bond

Monkey on Toast can exclusively reveal the next James Bond.


New Feature!

We've a new feature here at Monkey on Toast called Headline Makers.

It's a collection of scenarios and the potential newspaper headlines for them!

Feel free to send yours in, see the contact details on the About page.


Gorilla's will be missed

So the internet's gone wild over a gorilla that was shot because a child "fell" into its enclosure.

Experts who have never been to a zoo claim the gorilla, Harambe, shouldn't have been killed because it was protecting the child.

We've all seen the footage and while we're all animal lovers the shooting of the beast isn't as senseless as it may seem.

It has been stated that a tranquilizer dart wouldn't have taken immediate effect which could have brought harm to the child, Harambe could have drowned if the tranq kicked in whilst in the water and it's possible the child could have actually been squashed, possibly in the water.

Internet judges blame the parents, they should be shot apparently.

But it's not a black and white case against the gorilla, the parents or the child.

It appears fairly clear cut that Harambe wasn't exactly protecting the child and offering him up to any of the zoo staff.

It appears fairly clear cut that the child actually WANTED to get into the enclosure.  Having been heard several times saying he wanted to get into the enclosure, I find it very hard to believe the child "fell" into the enclose, I am of the belief he actually sought out a way to do so.

It appears fairly clear cut the parents are fuckwitts for not watching their child in public and for not keeping hold of him when it became clear what his intentions were.

It's possible Harambe wouldn't have brought any harm on the child, but is that really a risk worth taking?

Yes, it's sad a rare beast was shot but you have to do what you think is right at the time, I can't think of another way this situation could have been resolved.


And finally...

A man is arrested for wearing a t-shirt.

Until next time.

Jilted Jihadi John

A woman who supported ISIS, spread radical propaganda and said she wanted to marry Jihadi John has been jailed.

Jihadi John's Wife
Still, she's half way there I guess, look at that 'tache!


Staying in that region

It seems that Iraq are desperate to bring back Saddam Hussein.


worst brothel everWorst brothel ever.


Meanwhile, in Soapbox land

There's a mini rant about Sofology.


Disturbing news

About Richard Reid, the Shoe Bomber.



Very Loose Women

So, Katie Price’s son, Harvey, drops the C-bomb on Loose Women, live on air.

Whilst this is quite funny, in fact, it’s hilarious, it also shows just how much of a piss-dribbling thundercunt Katie is.  If that ever really was in question.

For those not in the know, Harvey is what is known in the trade as “a mong”.

And as such, mongs don’t socialise with other children in the same way.

I’d be surprised if he leaves the house to be honest.

So, where did he learn the C word from if it wasn’t from Katie herself?

There are some utter spastics out there who think Katie Price is a wonderful mum.  I’ve seen many a chav regard her as “an idol”.

An idol. 

Someone who gets their tits out for a living, had children to multiple dickhead fathers, been married or engaged to more men than Wayne Rooney’s had hot dinners is an idol?

She’s been up for Mum of the Year as well, probably even won it, if I could be arsed to check.  Which I can’t.

I despair.

Watch the clip, it’s piss funny, you’ll watch it over and over until you’re dribbling like Harvey himself.

But then have a think about how this has come about.


1 - Katie has told him to say it and it’s been rehearsed, which I wouldn’t be surprised at given that it’s free publicity, again.

2 – The C word is such a regular part of her vocabulary around her kids.  Again, this would hardly come as a surprise given she’s got a gob on her that would put a navvy to shame.

How would Harvey know what context to use the word in unless he’s heard it more times than anything else?

There’s a saying in the world of showbiz “Never work with children or animals”, this is true (especially in porn).

Maybe it should be extended to “…and vegetables”.

Though you can keep them in your porno’s actually.  I’ve seen things done to carrots and marrows that would embarrass Dirty Debbie.

You just know what will happen next - Fame hungry, nose hungry, chip pan headed former Atomic Kitten singer and Iceland queen, Kerry Katona will be taking her kids on “This Morning” where they’ll be effing and jeffing all over the shop.

Katie Price should be utterly ashamed of herself.  Taking her brain damaged, sweary child on live TV and expecting nothing bad to happen.

There’s no way a dribbling spaz like that should be on TV.

And as for Harvey….

Hello You Cunt

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