Sugar rush

So,  I was made aware of this brilliant Amazon review for Haribo’s Sugar free Bears. 
As I read through the reviews it became clear that if I chose to eat some of these Bears I would fall into the same category.   
You see, I’ve noticed over the last couple of years that I’ve become intolerant to some sugar replacements and sweeteners. 
Ricola, classic example. 
Having chosen to eat 3 of these “sweets” within 20 minutes on the drive home from work one day, I was surprised to find the “may have a laxative effect” in the very small print on the box was certainly no joke. 
In fact, the very small print became even smaller as my eyes were completely shut whilst my arse did its best “look, I can piss like a horse” impression. 
Every 5 minutes for at least an hour. 
This isn’t the first time this has happened, all after consuming sugar free sweets, and not always in excess. 
It took a few goes (no pun intended) before it became obvious it was the sweets causing it and I did wonder if it was just me becoming intolerant.  
Clearly from the reviews (whether they are 100% accurate remains to be seen, or not to be honest) I am not alone in finding out that more than 1 sugar free sweet in a day can literally turn me inside out. 
In the advert above, the chap singing “Ricola” isn’t singing because he likes them, he’s cursing them. 
Cursing them because he’s just shat himself, up top of a mountain. 
As it happens
Ghost of Jimmy Savile pesters for sex
The Tangled Web

Remember when you were first on the web?

Everyone had a “homepage” and they were all cluttered with counters, links and guestbooks?

Then someone decided that was “lame” and designs changed.  Everything was cut down, minimalised and streamlined so the pages loaded quicker.

Was pretty good then wasn’t it?

Now we seem to have gone back to the pages of old.

I don’t mean just “Dave’s Old Amiga stuff” or “Sven’s collection of midget porn”, no, I mean real sites – commercial sites.

Pages are filled with so many adverts that even on the fastest broadband it still feels like it’s 56k dialup.

And it’s not my PC as that goes faster than a smackhead’s Giro for everything else.

Once the page has managed to load and the browser is gracious enough to allow you to scroll down, then you’re treated to a spectacle of links that have absolutely nothing to do with the page you’re reading.

Classic example seems to be some news sites, I’ll use the Daily Mail site.

(For the record, I don’t read the Daily Fail, I just like to look for the brilliant spelling mistakes like the time a man was “shit dead”)

After the adverts about something that has no interest has taken up both sides of the screen and you’ve read whatever shite has been written in the middle you scroll down.

And there, at the bottom are loads of links to other sites, all with top 10 something of other.

“Top 10 pictures taken at the best time” – a collection of pictures where a woman’s skirt has ridden slightly up at an inopportune time or something or a picture where it looks like she’s having a crap in public.

“Look at the reaction to this jaw dropping dress” – Do I need to?  Haven’t you just told me it’s supposed to be jaw dropping?

I’ve noticed of late that “jaw dropping” seems to be the new superlative too.

A dress isn’t jaw dropping, unless you’re an idiot. 

Same as “this picture will blow you away”.  No, no it won’t. 

I can’t imagine seeing anything on the web and being blown away by it – when was the last time you were truly amazed by something?  Something that really took you aback, like it was the BEST thing you’d seen for a long time?

Even a glimpse of a celebs bracket while she’s getting out of a car is a none event these days – twenty years ago if a picture surfaced of Heather Graham accidentally showing off her Jack and Danny it would be straight in the Wank Bank.

How times have changed.

If I’m not going to be “blown away” by seeing an accidental nip slip or the lead singer of Little Mix’s slot then I’m hardly going to get a semi-on over whether a dress is black and blue or white and gold.

My favourite of these Top 10 pages was some kind of “Top 10 pictures of something or other” but when I clicked through to have a look there were only 8.  If you can’t fill a “Top 10 load of shite off the internet” then you’ve had a fucking shocker there son.

There’s at least 8 of these links at the bottom of every page, just regurgitating the same old stuff over and over again.

An increase in broadband speed shouldn’t be the catalyst for suddenly having terrible web design or an overabundance of adverts, it WILL put me off your site. 

Llama in drama
Over in Satire Corner there's a fella been caught smuggling a Llama
Selfie Schtick
We live in a smartphone age where everyone can take pictures of whatever they want, whenever they want.
Which is fine, generally, although there is something a little disconcerting when you’re in a room with just one other person, a complete stranger and you hear that camera *click* noise.
Am I going to end up on Twitter with a caption like “Look at this freak/weirdo/god” or as you hope, the camera was turned on the owner itself taking what’s known as a “selfie”.
The selfie.
People taking pictures of themselves to post on social media, most often not doing anything at all.
Most pictures are taken of nice scenic countryside, a sporting event, or sometimes a massive shit that the person before you has left in the bog.
But selfies seem so, well, selfish.
There’s a sense of narcissism about them, “Look at me!  Look at meeeee!
No thanks and why are you pulling a face that looks like a duck?  Am I supposed to find that attractive?
Well it doesn’t work.  It just looks like you’ve been dating Chris Brown.
Some selfies I can understand, for example, you’re on your own by Niagara Falls or you’re standing next to a bloke who’s just hijacked your plane.
Maybe you’ve just tortured an Iraqi soldier in Abu Graib prison?
But a selfie as you’re in a car being driven home from school and sent on Snapchat to other air-headed teenagers, really?  Is that necessary?  How can that be of any interest to anyone?
Assuming the lift home is with someone you know and is planned, probably not.  Being driven home by the McCanns? Well, that’s another story.
I just don’t get it.  Maybe it’s my age?  I’m fully on board and au fait with technology, I grew up with it, I work within it but I don’t get this.
Which brings me onto a device that seems to have the same level of usefulness as Anne Frank’s drum kit – The Selfie Stick.
An extendable stick that allows you to attach a phone on the end and take pictures, mainly in groups while not at all pissing off everyone else around you.
I thought the point of a selfie was a picture of just yourself (hence, SELFie) but it appears now that any photo you’re in is classed as a selfie.
Your school photo with 27 other kids?  Selfie.
A photo of you at the football with 3000 other fans around you?  Selfie.
(If you’re at The Etihad, it really IS a selfie)
I have seen groups of people with a phone on the end of a flimsy bit of plastic trying to take a group shot.  Secretly, I wish the phone falls off and smashes on the floor.  Does that make me bad?  Good.
I have seen groups literally hitting passers-by with the stick as they attempt to get everyone in the shot.
You don’t need a stick for that!  Just ask someone to take the picture of your group.
Surely part of the fun of a group shot is that risk element of asking a complete stranger to take your picture and hoping they don’t do one with your phone, camera, box brownie?
So you can take your stick, snap it in half and stick it where the sun don’t shine – you fucking wands.
And finally...
See you next time!

Making a (petrol) bomb

So I see Asda aren’t so quick to tell the world when petrol prices have increased as they are when they bring it down?

It's gone up 3 times in 2 weeks now, pretty sure oil prices are still on their arse though. #RipOffBritain


What next for Britain?

With Britain seemingly in an ever-declining state of industry and business what happens next?

The high streets are dead these days; there’s only so many charity shops and coffee shops to go round and they’re usually next door to each other.

At some point I’m sure some bright spark will try and get a win-win by opening a charity shop that sells coffees too.  Whether it’s 2nd hand coffee grounds remains to be seen.

So what do we do with the empty shops that are all over the High Street?

Open another bookies?  Open another £1 shop?

Does the High Street need such things?  Of course it doesn’t.

And then of course there will be the obligatory shops that open up in completely the wrong location.

Yes of course, that satellite TV shop will have lots of customers – you’re going to be inundated.  No really.

Ah, a wedding shop, yes, that’s what the town needs.  No really.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for people starting businesses and trying to make a go of things but at least have a think beforehand how successful your business is going to be, not just the type of business but your location.

For the record, the satellite shop lasted about a month. 

There’s computer repair and sales shops, and I always wish the best of luck to these guys.  If you’ve gone from working for someone like PC World and have some knowledge (so probably not suited for PC World, as it goes) and you’ve gone out on your own then good luck to you.

I’m sure local people will probably give you a try, but the masses will still flock to the retail parks.  I can understand people’s nervousness though, what use is a 12 month guarantee when the shop has disappeared after 3?

It really is a sad indictment of society, and while the supermarkets make life a little easier for us all to get all our items from one place is it really what we want?

Give your local butchers a go, use your local greengrocers and most importantly, use your local dealers.


Robinson CrusoeRobinson Crusoe was beginning to worry about his off-shore accounts


Wine, wine, wine, it's all the French do.

French winemakers have sent tens of thousands of litres of Spanish wine gushing onto the motorway in southern France, in protest at mass produced foreign wine entering the country.

Gazza Loves WineOne man in particular was over the moon about it.


More Facebook Fuckery

Facebook, as I said in a previous update seems to attract people who believe everything they read or see on it.

Classic example, last week someone posted a picture of a demonstration in Iceland (the country, not the frozen food shop). 

Written over the top of the picture were some words claiming the picture was from the previous night where people were protesting over the Icelandic Prime Minister’s tax affairs and the Panama Papers.

Having suspected I’d seen the picture before I did a quick reverse image search and found the same picture (sans text) on several blogs back in 2012 and 2013.

When I suggested to the person on Facebook that the picture was not from the previous evening at all, the response, which took me aback was, “So what, it still happened

But here’s the rub, it DIDN’T happen did it?

Yes, the picture IS real and the protest or demonstration DID take place - several years ago, I shall grant you that.  However, someone has taken a picture of people protesting in Iceland, written some lies on it about being the previous evening and how people power forced the PM to resign.

No, it didn’t.  If the mass protest was anything like the picture then it would have been all over the news and guess what, it wasn’t.

But it was posted on Facebook by someone with no credentials at all.  Make it true does it?

Suffice to say, said retard was removed as one of my “Friends”, a task long overdue based on previous fuckwittery.

As the tax scandal rumbles on (for which there will shortly be a separate article) as do the claims on Facebook, again written by those NOT in the know, desperate to get LIKES.

David Cameron paid no tax at all”, claims one. 

Plenty of responses - sack him, resign, get him out.

However there is no proof whatsoever this is true, not a shred.

I won’t go into it further here, this is all about the Facebook.

I’m all in favour of using social media to out those who do wrong, and oust those in power who are committing crimes, but it requires a modicum of common sense to be between the ears of the Facebooker. 

Sadly, this is all too often lacking and people will believe absolutely anything.

I’m going to put this on Facebook and see how far it goes, just to prove a point:

Tax dodging paedophile

Having seen so much shite on Facebook over the years I’ve decided it’s time to start debunking it!

So, I hereby officially announce the opening of Monkey on Toast: Facebook Fuckwitt Corner.

We’ll also be selling tea, coffee and satellite boxes. 


Panama CigarsRolled in Great Britain, tax paid nowhere.


And finally...

As promised earlier, here's a rant about David Cameron and tax in general.


I love Gogglebox, ever since I stumbled across it by mistake midway through the first series.

Over the years there’s been some cracking people on it, but I can’t help wonder if they could make it better by having an even better cross-section of society.

So with that in mind, I’d like to see the next series featuring the following:

1 – A racist family from Bethnal Green complete with taxi driving dad

2 – A family of Jeremy Kyle-esque guests

3 – And finally a family of radical Muslims, complaining at every show and film they’re forced to watch.

Thinking about it, what about creating a sort of Middle East version of Gogglebox where ISIS supporting radicals watch infidels being tortured or beheaded?

We could call it “Middle East Enders”. 


Tata, steel.

Here's a rant about Tata and the fucked up UK steel industry.


Nick BlackwellDespite awaking from a coma, Nick Blackwell was still in deep trouble


And finally...

Here's a few words about the Police!


From Cairo with love

So a man is able to hijack an Egyptian Airways plane by claiming he's wearing a suicide belt.

There's absolutely no proof at all he's wearing nothing more than a cheap leather belt from Matalan, but let's crack on.

He forces the plane to divert from its intended destination to Cyprus instead where he lets all the passengers go, with the exception of 4 plus the crew.

He then throws a letter onto the runway in which he states he wants to see his ex wife.

Bravo!  It then turns out that the belt is fake.

Quelle surprise.

The best bit is the Egyptian minister who says of the man, "He's not a terrorist, he's an idiot", which is brilliant.

I suppose nobody got hurt apart from some wet knickers, after the last couple of weeks this is far better news.

Booked it, packed it, hikacked it


Over in Satire Corner 

There's a new article about some new bins being rolled out somewhere posh.


And finally...

Here's a new rant about Britain leaving the EU.

See you next time!

Ah, Easter.

The time when the number of cups in the house doubles, until we realise they're shit and fob them off with people at work.

Or use them for other things like topping up the iron or throwing at shithead kids in the street.

Never understood why easter eggs have to come with a bloody cup or mug.

What kind of kid gets half way through a chocolate egg and then pipes up, "By jove, Pater, I'll tell thee what, I'm ruddy well parched I am.  I think I'll use this magnificent Cadburys Creme Egg beverage vessel and go and make myself a steaming cup of coffee, what what."

And the cups ARE shit, as I alluded to earlier.  They are rarely white inside, and any fule know you can't make a decent brew from a cup with a coloured inside.

And another thing I've never understood about easter is the way that Hot Cross Buns affect inflation massively.

Sometimes you get 1 for a penny, sometimes you get 2, it's enough to batter George Osborne's head.

See, even Jesus did BOGOFF's.


Nava No No No

A 6 year old Native American girl has been removed from a foster home in California.

Someone must have had reservations about it.


Facebook fuckery

I like Facebook, it's a great way to keep in touch with mates, but by Christ there's some fucking idiots on it.


how to be a complete bastardA new version of the Koran was available


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