Now that we have to pay for plastic bags in the supermarkets does anyone else feel compelled to take rival supermarkets bags with them when they go? 
Not out of arsyness, more about not wanting to feel like you've pinched the bags themselves? 
For example, I went to Sainsburys the other night but took an Asda bag with me. 
Why?  Well obviously to prevent the scenario of: 
"Excuse me sir, have you paid for that bag?" 
"Yes, yes I have!" 
"A likely story, sir." 
You can forget about Dre
Adam Johnson's Favourite Things #2
Tennis score: 15 - Love.
And finally...
Here's a new rant about door step traders.  The twats.

Pump it up

Have you heard about this new Shell “Fill up and Go” app?

According to Shell you scan a QR code on a petrol pump using your mobile phone, enter how much you wish to spend and then simply fill up and go.  PayPal takes care of the rest.

Shell say it’s all done from the comfort of your car, which is a bit of a challenge for me and no doubt everyone else who isn’t Stretch Armstrong, Reed Richards or Peter Crouch.

I still have to get out of my car to fill up.

What doesn’t seem to have been spotted by anyone else though is the fact they’re telling you to use your mobile phone at a petrol pump, which must mean that this sign on every petrol pump is a load of bollocks then?

Quelle surprise. 



Hey, we're going to Milford Haven...

Here's an article about Milford Haven and the sex tourists.


Adam Johnson's Favourite Things #1

Favourite record?  Wiggle it (just a little bit) by 2 in a Groom.


Serves 4

Now, I like a meal.  I'm not greedy but at the same time I like to feel that I've at least eaten.

Have you ever bought these cooking sauces and thought, "That'll do for me", and you look at it and it tells you it'll feed the world?

This jar of Sharwood's Chinese Curry sauce apparently serves 4 people.

Really?  How?

Because here's what the sauce along with some chicken looked like in the pan :

It barely fed 2 of us!

And again, this Asda Balti sauce apparently serves 4.  Bullshit, Mr Han Man!

And finally...

There's a new Soapbox rant about religions using hot women!





I demand a shrubbery compensation

A student is demanding a FREE LIFETIME supply of KitKats after she bought 8 of the bars and none of them contained a wafer.

Sorry, what?  A lifetime supply just because all 8 of the bars she bought had clearly had some form of defect at the factory and turned out to contain just chocolate.

Now, I'm all for companies reimbursing customers when they don't get what they've paid for and at most Nestle only really have give the stupid bitch 8 replacement bars.

She goes so far to say, "I'd like the CEO of Nestle to respond to my letter because it's an extremely important issue. I'm trying my luck - if you don't ask you don't get."

Is it important?  Is it really?

No, it's not.

She tries to push things further by claiming that she has "been misled to part with my money and purchase a product that is clearly different from what has been marketed by Nestle."

Misled?  For fucks sake, she's not been mislead.  A machine has clearly fucked up a batch of chocolate bars that nobody actually gives a fuck about except a stupid piss lizard with nothing better to do.

She makes matters worse by claiming, "The loss I have suffered is of monetary and emotional significance."

Emotional?  There was wafer missing from chocolate bar, it's not like you've undergone female genital mutilation.

Of course, the final point is that she "would like a full refund of the defective pack of KitKat I purchased. I have also lost my faith in Nestle."

She's lost faith in Nestle, but is happy to ask them for a lifetime supply of goodies from them.

Some people are just utter cretins.  They want everything for nothing.

Nestle should send her 8 new bars with a letter saying that's a lifetime supply and a week later send round someone in a hoody to shit her up.

And then of course we have the baby clothes that Tesco have had to come out and apologise for, due to the misspelling on the front:

Tesco Mispelt Baby Clothes On the left there's an "E" missing from "AWESOME" and on the right there's an apostrophe missing from "DADDY'S"

All well and good, that's what you get when you get your proof reading done by most teenagers.  I expect the kids who made the clothes probably had sweat in their eyes, which didn't help.

At least the couple who reported it weren't expecting compensation.  It really makes a change.

Still, I'm sure there's a company being set up somewhere as I type.

"Have you been affected by Tesco Misspelling?  Then call Twats Direct now!"


Has anyone else seen these complete fucktards on Facebook who reply to the posting of dead or injured babies in India, Pakistan or Milford Haven?

Apparently you have to reply with "Amen" because, yes, that will bring back a dead baby won't it?  It might even bring to life the PLASTIC FUCKING DOLL that most of the pictures appear to be.

I don't understand why people, supposedly with a brain do this.  And why hasn't the arse-jacket who posts them being hounded off Facebook or at least reported and kicked off?

That reminds me, I haven't checked my "Ian Huntley Bathtime Fun" page for a while....

And finally...

My wife and kids will tell you how much I hated the Hive adverts.  Well British Gas in their infinite fuckery have made some new ones.


This what I have to say about it.





We start this update with rather sombre news.  Those original Toasters and Forum members might remember a user called Miss Scarlett.

It is with sadness I have to report she was tragically killed last Sunday.

I met her in person several times and although it's been almost 10 years since we last met we kept in touch on Facebook, it was only last week we were talking about the return of this site.

RIP Guida, you'll be sadly missed.

It's a tad windy

It seems Adele has been having a spot of bother with gas.

Join with us

I mentioned the forum earlier, we're really trying to get it going and create a community of comedy, fun and gossip.  Come along, sign up and get some hot topics going!

And finally

There's a new Soapboax rant about parents not getting dressed for school.

Bye for now!

Two updates in a week, you are lucky people!  Next week I'll have Ferrero Rocher.

Top 10 Terrorist Tribute Acts

  1. Jihadi Wadi
  2. Sunni and Shia
  3. Puff Jihadi
  4. ISISister Sledge
  5. Sharia Twain
  6. Saddam and the Ants
  7. Radiobehead
  8. Jilted Jihadi John
  9. Duran Iran
  10. Bomb the Place 

Get in touch!

So, we have a few ways of getting in touch to send in material, suggest ideas for rants etc or just to chat!

Forum - Come and join the Forum, it's still in its infancy like the site but with your help we can make it a great community!

You can e-mail, see the About page for the address and finally follow us on Twitter at: @monkeyontoast

I don't have the energy

And finally, a new rant on energy drinks is available in Soapbox.

Until next time!

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