We're all going on a summer holiday

Gloria Hunniford has revealed details about her pal, Sir Cliff Richard which probably serves to do more harm than good.

Sir Clifford of Richardian has been the centre of new sexual abuse allegations, and Ms Hunniford has taken it upon herself to protect him and not say anything that could be, you know, incriminating.

In an article she claims he is "consumed by sexual assault" and 

The dirty bastard.

Meanwhile, she contradicts what we all think with regards to his "preferences" when she says:

cliff obsessed


Cameron feel the noise

So David Cameron is now feeling the heat once again from those who seek to find any reason to call for him to resign.

This time he was overheard telling the Queen that Nigeria and Afghanistan were "fantastically" corrupt.

So you want him sacked for telling the truth now?

With regards to Afghanistan why do you think nothing ever gets resolved in the country?  Where do you think the money goes?  To tribal elders and corrupt politicians.

And you think Nigeria is sound?  Course it is.

You voted him in, if he commits a crime and has to go he will do, but stop jumping on him for every thing that happens.

"Oh, David Cameron farted in public!  HE OUGHT TO RESIGN IMMEDIATELY!!!!"


Facebook Fuckwitts

Over in Facebook Fuckwitt Corner we have a new article about people thinking we're all being hacked.


And finally...

Changes have been put into place to divulge to the public the salaries of BBC staff who are earning more than £450K.

Really?  Why does this matter?

So what if Chris Evans, for example, earns £500,000 a year or that Steve Wight (in the afternoon) earns £80,000 a year?

I really don’t care, and neither should a painter and decorator from Solihull, a hotshot solicitor from London or a barista from Barnsley.

Do we really need to know what other people are earning?  What could we possibly do with knowing that information, apart from moaning that it’s too much and they’re not worth it?

Not that I think that way.  I don’t care what anyone at the BBC is earning as long as it’s deemed as value for money and they’re the right person for the job.

Salaries have to be budgeted in any organisation, and the BBC is no different here.

It seems that we’re going down a very dangerous road here where soon more and more people are going to have to publicly disclose their salaries or tax returns for no reason other than the fact that people are envious and nosey bastards.

Let’s just make up an example of DJ Matt Emulsion.

He works for the BBC and presents a radio show on a Saturday morning between 9 and 12, he earns £100,000 a year from the BBC.

Christ!  He only works 3 hours a week and he’s earning all that”, I hear you cry.

Yes, but he’s not pitching up at the studio at 8:55, sitting down with a brew, playing some records and leaving work at 12:05.

Chances are, he’ll have been at the “office” around 6 or 7 at the very latest, getting everything ready.  He’ll have been working on the material for the show all week as well.

He’ll have been in Production meetings, running through scripts, playlists and such like.

There will no doubt be a debrief after the show as well.

When he goes home he’ll start working again for the following weeks show.

And let’s not forget that he’s been asked to attend a do on Tuesday night where he’s presenting an award for the “Shittest newcomer to music” to some flash-in-the-pan vapid teenager who really can’t sing.  That’s all included in his £100k a year salary.

And the advert shown on BBC1 on a Friday night between shows which serves to advertise his show the following day, he’s had to go and make that advert… and he’s not paid any extra.

Let’s get this clear, BBC “presenters” are contracted not just salaried and their contracts agree to pay them x amount of pounds per year for x number of years and the contractor is obliged to carry out the work that is requested. 

Some of the more highly paid presenters have to work on multiple shows, they're never off TV or radio and it's all included in that one salary package.

Just because someone earns more than £450K a year doesn't mean they don't work hard for it and we've no reason really to complain about it.

Unless it's Bruce Forsythe, he can fuck off.


Only white people can be racist

It's true.  Check out this article about a black Oxford student  who racially abused and humiliated a white waitress at a restaurant.

Boasting on Facebook he said he had made the waitress "cry white tears" and would give her a tip when "fellow white people return South Africa's land back to its population".

Oxford University claim that he was exercising free speech.  Correct, he was.

As am I now.  However, I will absolutely guarantee you had that been a white student and a black waitress who was "crying black tears" the student would have been slung out immediately, publicly hunted down on Facebook and probably been sent to prison for a month.

Racism only works one way.

If white people say anything about other creeds, colours or race then it's disgusting racism.

If any other ethnicity says anything about white folk then it's just accepted.

Double standards, makes me really mad.


Facebook Fuckwitts

Over in Fuckwitt Corner we have 2 belters:

1 - Burn McMurray, Burn

2 - Poland Day. Disgusting

It's enough to make you weep.


Mo Brexit, Mo Problems

The David Cameron Brexit campaign continues to gather pace, with even more propaganda than in recent weeks, as I wrote about here.

But this whole referendum has got me thinking about this and politics as a whole.

In the case of this referendum we have a binary choice to make, or as I like to call it The Hokey Cokey choice - we’re either in or we’re out.

It’s like being given a choice of music to listen to – You can have The Spice Girls or you can have The Venga Boys.

Nobody in their right mind wants to listen to any of that shite, where’s the third option for silence?

This referendum is like that, stay in Europe or leave.

There should be a third option, an option to stay in Europe but to reform the whole paradigm.

There are Pros and Cons to staying in and leaving Europe but why should it have to be so black and white?

You can choose to die in a horrible fire or by drowning.  Thanks.  Where’s the option to die in my sleep?

If the referendum is going to spark change why can’t we choose a third, fourth, fifth option?

Does the general public know the consequences of voting to stay or go?  If there were more options then not only could that potentially be less damaging to the country but it could mean that things change for the better.

I believe if we had further options other a straight yes or no then more people would vote and they would vote for the most sensible option.

Those who are scared of or don’t understand the No vote will vote Yes, to blindly stay in Europe without question.

Those who are a little pissed off about being in Europe will vote No without understanding exactly what it might mean.

It’s all so risky.

This has got me thinking about the political voting system as a whole though.  

For example, take the general election, we’re given a bunch of candidates to vote for.  What if you don’t like any of the candidates?  You don’t bother to vote?  That’s just a massive waste.

Or you vote for whichever candidate you think is not as much of a dickhead than the rest.  Good choice, democracy.

So why can’t we have extra options that allows the voter to say, “Listen chief, I’m not overly chuffed with this set of nincompoops, I’ll vote for X on the condition that Y happens

Or “I think there should be a coalition between X and Y

Or “I’ll vote for X but as soon as it comes out he’s shagging his secretary / au-pair / sister I want a new general election

It might bring some accountability back to MP’s.  After all, they have a manifesto but if they don’t carry out any let alone all of their promises there is no consequence.

Politicians and their parties should come with some form of warranty or be made accountable to trading standards.

If you vote for a party and they fail there should be fines, imprisonment and being forced to go to a Jedward concert.


And finally...

Here's a new article about having a poo at work.


So, Junior Doctors again.

I’ve seen quite a bit of misleading “facts” online over the last couple of days of people in support of Junior Doctors.

If you read my last piece you might think I don’t fall in the same category, however, I support all professions whose working conditions are being negatively impacted providing the action is carried out in the correct manner and with actual facts.

Let’s just debunk some of the myths here:

1 – Jeremy Hunt is trying to cut Junior Doctors wages

Actually, Jeremy Hunt isn’t trying to do ANYTHING.  Jeremy Hunt is the Health Secretary and he’s carrying out the actions of the manifesto set out by the Conservatives when YOU voted them in.

It doesn’t matter who the Health Secretary is, this would still be happening and if Jeremy was to resign now his successor would STILL be carrying this out.

With regards to pay, the Government are actually RAISING Junior Doctors pay rate.


2 – Jeremy Hunt wants us to work longer hours

         Again, it’s not Jeremy, it’s the Government.

And actually, they don’t want you to work longer hours, they want you work LESS hours.

Junior Doctors will be limited to 72 hours a week, they believe they should be able to work 96 as is the current limit.

Maybe this is where they get the “pay cut” angle from.


3 – We’re expected to work 7 days

                No YOU’RE not.  The NHS is EXPECTED to cover hospitals for 7 days instead of 5.

                There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  People get sick and have accidents every day of the week, not just on weekdays.

                So you personally are not expected to work 7 days a week, but your shift patterns would include weekends.

                The capped working hours as set out in the previous point would not allow you work 7 days a week.


4 – We’re understaffed but Jeremy Hunt won’t sanction any more staff

                You are understaffed, correct; it’s a shit situation – nobody is arguing with that.

                However, I think you’ll find it’s the BMA who are blocking taking on more staff.


To sum up, the Government, through Jeremy Hunt are trying to extend hospital cover to 7 days, cutting the number of hours a Junior Doctor CAN work but increasing their pay rate to make up for the loss of potential hours.

How can that not be right?

Who in their right mind wants to extend their working week from 72 hours to 96?  And should doctors, not just juniors be able to?  I’d rather be treated by someone who’s had a good 8 hours sleep the previous night than 8 hours sleep in the previous week.

This shows a level of greed.  Even if the junior doctors were on minimum wage of £7.20 an hour, which they’re not, 72 hours at that rate would be almost £520 a week.

Which comes out about £25K a year, give or take.  That is still above the national average.

The actual figures can be seen from the BMA site here:


Personally, I believe doctors, nurses and the armed forces should all be better paid but that’s a story for a different day.

Yes, the NHS is in a mess, yes Jeremy Hunt might be a bit of a wand but this isn’t his doing, it’s driven by manifest as I said earlier.

If you didn’t want the Tories in you should have voted for someone else, if you even bothered to take your arse to the voting station in the first place.

This, my friends, is the price of apathy. 


Britain's Got New Judges

So it turns out Britain's Got Talent will have a new controversial judge for the next series


Let's get ready to Crumble.

When did boxers become so fucking stupid?

Admittedly I’ve not been a boxing fan since the 80’s. 

Watching the likes of Barry McGuigan and Sugar Ray Leonard, not forgetting Mike Tyson beating a hapless, pre-meltdown Frank “Know what I mean, ‘arry” Bruno was as good as it got.

There was no shit taking before a fight, Saturday night came, you got your arse sat down with a glass of Tizer and you watched the fight.

These days it seems there’s more action in the pre-match weigh in and interviews than there is in the matches themselves.

Case in point is the very odd behaviour of Tyson “The Caravan” Fury, a man who basically seems to lack common sense, tolerance or social skills.

He’s like an autistic Karnov.

But he does have millions of pounds in the bank so that’s alright.

His recent weigh in saw him pitch up 4 stone overweight, talking about how he hates boxing and he’s going to get beaten by his opponent, Vladimir Klitschko.

It’s clearly all mind games, trying to lure Klitschko into a false sense of security, and I’m sure he’s not so dumb that he doesn’t know this.

If your chosen career is to fight another bloke then just get on with it and pack in all the pre-match slanging and willy waving.

If it does have to be a necessary part of pre-match build up then at least make it a bit more amusing than “I’m going to punch his head in”.

Here’s some you can use, all royalties to be paid to the "Michael Watson Ring Sting Foundation":

By the time I’m done with him, he’ll be in a coma

The aim of the game is to turn this sucker into a drooling vegetable

I’m going to hit him so hard he’ll be on the Variety Club Sunshine bus in weeks

I’ma hit this fool so hard he’ll look and think like he’s Harvey Price

You’re welcome.


TV and Film cliches

Here's some shit things I hate about TV and films.


And Finally...

Yes siree, Bob.  We got ourselves a new Facebook Fuckwitt in Facebook Fuckwitt Corner.

See y'all next time.



Scheisse or is that ShIce?

So as news hits that KFC's ice cubes contain the bacteria found in faecal matter (that's shit to you and me) word reaches Monkey on Toast Food Analysts (AKA The Greedy Fat Bastards) that KFC is revamping its range of food.

Introducing the new Plopcorn Chicken, complete with little bits of shit that have fallen off.

plocorn chicken

And the desserts are also  undergoing a radical change, meet the new Shittles Krushems.

I'm surprised it's taken this long to come out actually, anyone who doesn't think KFC is a load of shit clearly has never been to the Blackburn one.


When doves cry

Another celebrity passes, won't our celebs just stop dying?


Kanye West

The rapper and general tool, named after a service station on the M4 has come to the attention of our parentage experts.


Moor's the pity

The Manchester Evening News reports a story where a website is selling clothes and phone cases donning the ugly mug of Myra Hindley.

As ever, Monkey on Toast Marketing have jumped into action and launched our own clothes range!

Available to buy now, the Harold Shipman Hoody.

You too can look as sharp as my needle.

Irantiques Roadshow

As the looting of Iraq and Syria continues by ISIS, it appears the historial artifacts are making their way over to Britain and our antique market.

The priceless items from areas such as Palmyra (which sounds like a car by Nissan) are being sold to fund the terrorism further.

You don't get that with a Banksy.

The portrait of Jihadi Bob from Leeds was valued at £50,000 on Antiques Roadshow.


US in poking nose in other people's business shocker

So President Bollock Obama says that if Britain pulls out of Europe then that could put us at the back of the trade queue.  All very frightening, I'm sure.

However, what people don't realise is that yes, we WOULD be at the back of a queue, a queue that consists of 2 - the other being Europe where there has been NO progress made on a new trade deal for months.

Other side of it, Britain would be in a very strong position as well to force those US companies to cough up tax or get the hell out of Dodge, something the US corporations won't be wanting to happen.

So, a Brexit is probably a win-win for Britain, regardless of what Cameron's Propaganda machine says.


Everybody out

Should those who are employed to care for you be allowed to strike?

Personally I don’t think anyone who works for the public sector should be allowed to strike, taxpayers money is paying for their salaries.

Today’s mass walkout of Junior Doctors is negligent at best.  People’s operations are cancelled, operations they’ve probably waited some considerable time for, put back even longer.

So they don’t like the pay they’re getting?  Then they should go and find another job somewhere else.

When they go to medical school all this is laid out for them, it’s not a surprise at the hours they’ll work and the salaries they’ll be paid.

However, it seems to be common trait these days that all youngsters want everything without putting the time and effort in.

Only interested in going straight onto £80K a year?  Not prepared to work those longer hours for £30K a year no?  I know plenty of people who would kill for that.

You see, you have to put the time and effort in and work your way up – Time served I think you’ll find it called in most other industries.

Having the word “Doctor” in their job title does not mean they’ve arrived, the “Junior” bit is there for a reason.

Don’t get me wrong, they’re not all the same and it’s a job that takes an awful lot of dedication and stress but it’s also a job they chose.

Having experienced hospital several times over the last 7 years I can certainly say in complete confidence these Junior Doctors are absolutely not the finished article.

There have been delays, misdiagnoses, head scratching, umming, arring and a time I was left covered in my own blood (I hope it was my own blood anyway).

When the Juniors have served their time in the field properly, have matured, make the right decision every time and they are known as fully qualified Doctors then their conditions change.

They’re paid more, they have more benefits, they’re more respected.

The same is true for most professions where people start at the bottom.

I can understand a change in conditions or contract might not be ideal, but in truth nothing ever stays the same, it is the nature of the beast these days.

People’s jobs change all the time, in my last job I can’t remember sitting in the same seat for more than 6 months before there was a mass move again – it just shows businesses and organisations are constantly changing, rightly or wrong that’s the way it is.

What gets me about these Junior Doctors is they honestly think the new contracts they’re getting will stay the same forever.  It won’t!

Another Government will come in, things will change, there will be a change of direction, contracts will change again.

If there are deaths or complications resulting from today’s strike there should be repercussions, striking doctors who should have looked after the sick and injured should face charges of negligence or gross misconduct.

If as a Junior you honestly believe you’re entitled to the same salary and benefits as a consultant who has put the hours in that you’re not prepared to do then you are in the wrong job.

You’ll still have the word “Doctor” in your title but will be prefixed with “Drain”.

Get back to work, you massive fannies. 

junior doctor
Keith turned up for work as normal, despite being labelled a "scab"


And finally...

There's a new rant about the McCanns

Until next time, my friends.

Sugar rush

So,  I was made aware of this brilliant Amazon review for Haribo’s Sugar free Bears. 
As I read through the reviews it became clear that if I chose to eat some of these Bears I would fall into the same category.   
You see, I’ve noticed over the last couple of years that I’ve become intolerant to some sugar replacements and sweeteners. 
Ricola, classic example. 
Having chosen to eat 3 of these “sweets” within 20 minutes on the drive home from work one day, I was surprised to find the “may have a laxative effect” in the very small print on the box was certainly no joke. 
In fact, the very small print became even smaller as my eyes were completely shut whilst my arse did its best “look, I can piss like a horse” impression. 
Every 5 minutes for at least an hour. 
This isn’t the first time this has happened, all after consuming sugar free sweets, and not always in excess. 
It took a few goes (no pun intended) before it became obvious it was the sweets causing it and I did wonder if it was just me becoming intolerant.  
Clearly from the reviews (whether they are 100% accurate remains to be seen, or not to be honest) I am not alone in finding out that more than 1 sugar free sweet in a day can literally turn me inside out. 
In the advert above, the chap singing “Ricola” isn’t singing because he likes them, he’s cursing them. 
Cursing them because he’s just shat himself, up top of a mountain. 
As it happens
Ghost of Jimmy Savile pesters for sex
The Tangled Web

Remember when you were first on the web?

Everyone had a “homepage” and they were all cluttered with counters, links and guestbooks?

Then someone decided that was “lame” and designs changed.  Everything was cut down, minimalised and streamlined so the pages loaded quicker.

Was pretty good then wasn’t it?

Now we seem to have gone back to the pages of old.

I don’t mean just “Dave’s Old Amiga stuff” or “Sven’s collection of midget porn”, no, I mean real sites – commercial sites.

Pages are filled with so many adverts that even on the fastest broadband it still feels like it’s 56k dialup.

And it’s not my PC as that goes faster than a smackhead’s Giro for everything else.

Once the page has managed to load and the browser is gracious enough to allow you to scroll down, then you’re treated to a spectacle of links that have absolutely nothing to do with the page you’re reading.

Classic example seems to be some news sites, I’ll use the Daily Mail site.

(For the record, I don’t read the Daily Fail, I just like to look for the brilliant spelling mistakes like the time a man was “shit dead”)

After the adverts about something that has no interest has taken up both sides of the screen and you’ve read whatever shite has been written in the middle you scroll down.

And there, at the bottom are loads of links to other sites, all with top 10 something of other.

“Top 10 pictures taken at the best time” – a collection of pictures where a woman’s skirt has ridden slightly up at an inopportune time or something or a picture where it looks like she’s having a crap in public.

“Look at the reaction to this jaw dropping dress” – Do I need to?  Haven’t you just told me it’s supposed to be jaw dropping?

I’ve noticed of late that “jaw dropping” seems to be the new superlative too.

A dress isn’t jaw dropping, unless you’re an idiot. 

Same as “this picture will blow you away”.  No, no it won’t. 

I can’t imagine seeing anything on the web and being blown away by it – when was the last time you were truly amazed by something?  Something that really took you aback, like it was the BEST thing you’d seen for a long time?

Even a glimpse of a celebs bracket while she’s getting out of a car is a none event these days – twenty years ago if a picture surfaced of Heather Graham accidentally showing off her Jack and Danny it would be straight in the Wank Bank.

How times have changed.

If I’m not going to be “blown away” by seeing an accidental nip slip or the lead singer of Little Mix’s slot then I’m hardly going to get a semi-on over whether a dress is black and blue or white and gold.

My favourite of these Top 10 pages was some kind of “Top 10 pictures of something or other” but when I clicked through to have a look there were only 8.  If you can’t fill a “Top 10 load of shite off the internet” then you’ve had a fucking shocker there son.

There’s at least 8 of these links at the bottom of every page, just regurgitating the same old stuff over and over again.

An increase in broadband speed shouldn’t be the catalyst for suddenly having terrible web design or an overabundance of adverts, it WILL put me off your site. 

Llama in drama
Over in Satire Corner there's a fella been caught smuggling a Llama
Selfie Schtick
We live in a smartphone age where everyone can take pictures of whatever they want, whenever they want.
Which is fine, generally, although there is something a little disconcerting when you’re in a room with just one other person, a complete stranger and you hear that camera *click* noise.
Am I going to end up on Twitter with a caption like “Look at this freak/weirdo/god” or as you hope, the camera was turned on the owner itself taking what’s known as a “selfie”.
The selfie.
People taking pictures of themselves to post on social media, most often not doing anything at all.
Most pictures are taken of nice scenic countryside, a sporting event, or sometimes a massive shit that the person before you has left in the bog.
But selfies seem so, well, selfish.
There’s a sense of narcissism about them, “Look at me!  Look at meeeee!
No thanks and why are you pulling a face that looks like a duck?  Am I supposed to find that attractive?
Well it doesn’t work.  It just looks like you’ve been dating Chris Brown.
Some selfies I can understand, for example, you’re on your own by Niagara Falls or you’re standing next to a bloke who’s just hijacked your plane.
Maybe you’ve just tortured an Iraqi soldier in Abu Graib prison?
But a selfie as you’re in a car being driven home from school and sent on Snapchat to other air-headed teenagers, really?  Is that necessary?  How can that be of any interest to anyone?
Assuming the lift home is with someone you know and is planned, probably not.  Being driven home by the McCanns? Well, that’s another story.
I just don’t get it.  Maybe it’s my age?  I’m fully on board and au fait with technology, I grew up with it, I work within it but I don’t get this.
Which brings me onto a device that seems to have the same level of usefulness as Anne Frank’s drum kit – The Selfie Stick.
An extendable stick that allows you to attach a phone on the end and take pictures, mainly in groups while not at all pissing off everyone else around you.
I thought the point of a selfie was a picture of just yourself (hence, SELFie) but it appears now that any photo you’re in is classed as a selfie.
Your school photo with 27 other kids?  Selfie.
A photo of you at the football with 3000 other fans around you?  Selfie.
(If you’re at The Etihad, it really IS a selfie)
I have seen groups of people with a phone on the end of a flimsy bit of plastic trying to take a group shot.  Secretly, I wish the phone falls off and smashes on the floor.  Does that make me bad?  Good.
I have seen groups literally hitting passers-by with the stick as they attempt to get everyone in the shot.
You don’t need a stick for that!  Just ask someone to take the picture of your group.
Surely part of the fun of a group shot is that risk element of asking a complete stranger to take your picture and hoping they don’t do one with your phone, camera, box brownie?
So you can take your stick, snap it in half and stick it where the sun don’t shine – you fucking wands.
And finally...
See you next time!
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