Making a (petrol) bomb

So I see Asda aren’t so quick to tell the world when petrol prices have increased as they are when they bring it down?

It's gone up 3 times in 2 weeks now, pretty sure oil prices are still on their arse though. #RipOffBritain


What next for Britain?

With Britain seemingly in an ever-declining state of industry and business what happens next?

The high streets are dead these days; there’s only so many charity shops and coffee shops to go round and they’re usually next door to each other.

At some point I’m sure some bright spark will try and get a win-win by opening a charity shop that sells coffees too.  Whether it’s 2nd hand coffee grounds remains to be seen.

So what do we do with the empty shops that are all over the High Street?

Open another bookies?  Open another £1 shop?

Does the High Street need such things?  Of course it doesn’t.

And then of course there will be the obligatory shops that open up in completely the wrong location.

Yes of course, that satellite TV shop will have lots of customers – you’re going to be inundated.  No really.

Ah, a wedding shop, yes, that’s what the town needs.  No really.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for people starting businesses and trying to make a go of things but at least have a think beforehand how successful your business is going to be, not just the type of business but your location.

For the record, the satellite shop lasted about a month. 

There’s computer repair and sales shops, and I always wish the best of luck to these guys.  If you’ve gone from working for someone like PC World and have some knowledge (so probably not suited for PC World, as it goes) and you’ve gone out on your own then good luck to you.

I’m sure local people will probably give you a try, but the masses will still flock to the retail parks.  I can understand people’s nervousness though, what use is a 12 month guarantee when the shop has disappeared after 3?

It really is a sad indictment of society, and while the supermarkets make life a little easier for us all to get all our items from one place is it really what we want?

Give your local butchers a go, use your local greengrocers and most importantly, use your local dealers.


Robinson CrusoeRobinson Crusoe was beginning to worry about his off-shore accounts


Wine, wine, wine, it's all the French do.

French winemakers have sent tens of thousands of litres of Spanish wine gushing onto the motorway in southern France, in protest at mass produced foreign wine entering the country.

Gazza Loves WineOne man in particular was over the moon about it.


More Facebook Fuckery

Facebook, as I said in a previous update seems to attract people who believe everything they read or see on it.

Classic example, last week someone posted a picture of a demonstration in Iceland (the country, not the frozen food shop). 

Written over the top of the picture were some words claiming the picture was from the previous night where people were protesting over the Icelandic Prime Minister’s tax affairs and the Panama Papers.

Having suspected I’d seen the picture before I did a quick reverse image search and found the same picture (sans text) on several blogs back in 2012 and 2013.

When I suggested to the person on Facebook that the picture was not from the previous evening at all, the response, which took me aback was, “So what, it still happened

But here’s the rub, it DIDN’T happen did it?

Yes, the picture IS real and the protest or demonstration DID take place - several years ago, I shall grant you that.  However, someone has taken a picture of people protesting in Iceland, written some lies on it about being the previous evening and how people power forced the PM to resign.

No, it didn’t.  If the mass protest was anything like the picture then it would have been all over the news and guess what, it wasn’t.

But it was posted on Facebook by someone with no credentials at all.  Make it true does it?

Suffice to say, said retard was removed as one of my “Friends”, a task long overdue based on previous fuckwittery.

As the tax scandal rumbles on (for which there will shortly be a separate article) as do the claims on Facebook, again written by those NOT in the know, desperate to get LIKES.

David Cameron paid no tax at all”, claims one. 

Plenty of responses - sack him, resign, get him out.

However there is no proof whatsoever this is true, not a shred.

I won’t go into it further here, this is all about the Facebook.

I’m all in favour of using social media to out those who do wrong, and oust those in power who are committing crimes, but it requires a modicum of common sense to be between the ears of the Facebooker. 

Sadly, this is all too often lacking and people will believe absolutely anything.

I’m going to put this on Facebook and see how far it goes, just to prove a point:

Tax dodging paedophile

Having seen so much shite on Facebook over the years I’ve decided it’s time to start debunking it!

So, I hereby officially announce the opening of Monkey on Toast: Facebook Fuckwitt Corner.

We’ll also be selling tea, coffee and satellite boxes. 


Panama CigarsRolled in Great Britain, tax paid nowhere.


And finally...

As promised earlier, here's a rant about David Cameron and tax in general.


I love Gogglebox, ever since I stumbled across it by mistake midway through the first series.

Over the years there’s been some cracking people on it, but I can’t help wonder if they could make it better by having an even better cross-section of society.

So with that in mind, I’d like to see the next series featuring the following:

1 – A racist family from Bethnal Green complete with taxi driving dad

2 – A family of Jeremy Kyle-esque guests

3 – And finally a family of radical Muslims, complaining at every show and film they’re forced to watch.

Thinking about it, what about creating a sort of Middle East version of Gogglebox where ISIS supporting radicals watch infidels being tortured or beheaded?

We could call it “Middle East Enders”. 


Tata, steel.

Here's a rant about Tata and the fucked up UK steel industry.


Nick BlackwellDespite awaking from a coma, Nick Blackwell was still in deep trouble


And finally...

Here's a few words about the Police!


From Cairo with love

So a man is able to hijack an Egyptian Airways plane by claiming he's wearing a suicide belt.

There's absolutely no proof at all he's wearing nothing more than a cheap leather belt from Matalan, but let's crack on.

He forces the plane to divert from its intended destination to Cyprus instead where he lets all the passengers go, with the exception of 4 plus the crew.

He then throws a letter onto the runway in which he states he wants to see his ex wife.

Bravo!  It then turns out that the belt is fake.

Quelle surprise.

The best bit is the Egyptian minister who says of the man, "He's not a terrorist, he's an idiot", which is brilliant.

I suppose nobody got hurt apart from some wet knickers, after the last couple of weeks this is far better news.

Booked it, packed it, hikacked it


Over in Satire Corner 

There's a new article about some new bins being rolled out somewhere posh.


And finally...

Here's a new rant about Britain leaving the EU.

See you next time!

Ah, Easter.

The time when the number of cups in the house doubles, until we realise they're shit and fob them off with people at work.

Or use them for other things like topping up the iron or throwing at shithead kids in the street.

Never understood why easter eggs have to come with a bloody cup or mug.

What kind of kid gets half way through a chocolate egg and then pipes up, "By jove, Pater, I'll tell thee what, I'm ruddy well parched I am.  I think I'll use this magnificent Cadburys Creme Egg beverage vessel and go and make myself a steaming cup of coffee, what what."

And the cups ARE shit, as I alluded to earlier.  They are rarely white inside, and any fule know you can't make a decent brew from a cup with a coloured inside.

And another thing I've never understood about easter is the way that Hot Cross Buns affect inflation massively.

Sometimes you get 1 for a penny, sometimes you get 2, it's enough to batter George Osborne's head.

See, even Jesus did BOGOFF's.


Nava No No No

A 6 year old Native American girl has been removed from a foster home in California.

Someone must have had reservations about it.


Facebook fuckery

I like Facebook, it's a great way to keep in touch with mates, but by Christ there's some fucking idiots on it.


how to be a complete bastardA new version of the Koran was available


Thunderbirds has went.

End of an era as the creator of Thunderbirds and voice of Lady Penelope Sylvia Anderson passes away.

Thunderbird 7Thunderbird 7 was a bit of a disappointment


There's been a vape!

While the rise in popularity of the E-cig and the gradual drop in people smoking traditional cigarettes is probably a good thing, it hasn’t yet been proved that E-cigs are any better for your health.

But I have noticed that people who smoke E-cigs are more likely to partake in a “Vape” where they wouldn’t smoke a cigarette.

For example, I’m sure smoking in bed has gotten safer, and there has to be people who vape while having a shit, right?

But it seems people are more of a slave to their E-cig than they were cigarettes.

You see people puffing on them like their life depends on it, taking far more “hits” than they would a ciggie and vaping more frequently.

It’s gotten to the point where it appears to be more addictive than cigarettes and people bring vaping in to their everyday activities as they can’t do without it.

Surely this can’t be a good thing?

The worst ones are those who vape whilst driving!  Really, can you not go without a hit until you get to your destination?  You’re only off down the road, wait till you get there!

I have always been against smoking whilst driving, even when I was a smoker it was something I did only on long journeys.  I find that smoking whilst driving on the motorway is a damn sight safer than driving on smaller roads, particularly rat-runs!

How can you get round corners properly with a fag in your hand?  Especially when you’re trying to take a selfie as well.

I just don’t understand why people can’t wait until they’re getting to where they’re going to get that vapey hit.  You wouldn’t have a piss whilst driving would you?

And some of these E-cigs are huge!  I saw a woman vaping whilst driving the other day with an E-cig that was so big I genuinely thought she was playing the recorder!


George Osborne PaddingtonGeorge Osborne loved his new Paddington gift set


And finally...

Following on from the last update where I talked about Compensation Culture I bring you a new article about Ambulance Chasers.


Copyright © 2000-2019 Monkey on Toast. All rights Reserved.