Well, it had to happen eventually... I was ravaged by Our Deadly Virus (tm).

Or not.  As it turned out, I didn't end up in ICU on a ventilator like all the COVID Cultists suggest happens to everyone.

I didn't need hospital treatment.

In fact, I've had worse colds in all honesty.

A sore throat for a week and a bit bunged up was the total payload of Our Deadly Virus (tm).

In other words, COVID has now mutated to be ... shock horror...  A COLD.


Would I lie to you?

Still think the Mainstream Media tell you the truth?

This must be the world's unluckiest man.  Here he is in 3 different hospitals at the same time:

man in 3 hospitals

Unvaccinated man has Omicron and is seriously ill.  Sure.



Speaking of being lied to.  Are we still suggesting that COVID has killed almost 160,000 in this country?  We are, aren't we?

So, you'll be surprised to learn then that this figure is, well, bullshit.

I know, right?

See, the ONS have finally revealed, due to a Freedom of Information request that the true number of people who died in the UK PURELY from COVID (i.e no underlying conditions) amounts to less than 8,000.

We locked down the country, destroyed children's education, destroyed people's livelihoods and potentially some industries for good for less than 8,000 people.

Isn't that sickening?

Oh, I know you're going to say, "But Mr Monkey, 8,000 people have died, are you heartless?"

And I shall retort with the fact that people die every day.  Less than 8,000 people in over 2 years is less than a normal flu season.  

The others who have died have died WITH the virus, simply not because of it.   In other words, they died within 28 days of testing positive and had underlying conditions; the average age of death still remains at 84 years old.


Finally in this part, the MSM wants to keep people fearing.  Take a look at the headline of this article about Lassa Fever:

lassa fever


"Deadly fever with pandemic potential"

Now read the body of the article highlighted:

There were 2 cases, it is incredibly rare and does not spread easily between people.

It's not airborne, it passes through bodily fluids.

See how these cunts want to keep you in fear forever?  Wankers.


 Long COVID...

The new Bad Back


block ads

Here's an advert telling how you how to block adverts.

Irony Factor 8, Mr Chekov.


A few things about COVID I'd like to know...

Why have no rich, white men died of COVID?  How come nothing happened to them?

Why have no celebrities died from it?  You see COVID theatre on game shows and chat shows (socially distanced and / or separated by plastic screens) yet they're all mingling together behind the scenes in the green room.

If masks make so much of a difference why are people allowed to just discard them on the floor?  If they're supposedly holding a deadly virus in it then why aren't there bio bins on every street, manned by a dude in a hazmat suit?


Social Media Shitheads - Mini Edition

facebook covid holiday

So, a friend's wife posted this the other day.

Cue loads of people with the "OMG!  I hope he's alright!" and "Hope he gets well soon!  How awful" posts.

It's almost like people don't bother to read the bit in brackets where it says HE HAS NO SYMPTOMS AND IS FINE.

You have become so conditioned to think that COVID is a killer that you shit your pants when you hear someone has it.  Stop it.

 Btw - They've gone on holiday now.  


Jimmy Carr

Is hate speech and should be sent to prison


And finally...

Pfizer - Heroes or Villains?



Hello everybody, Happy New Year!  Hope you all had a great Christmas and are ready for a new year of fuckery?

I'm hoping this year is a different one for The Toast, we're hoping to be less COVID related but as long as the Branch Covidians keep lying to us and wanting to keep things going we'll resist and expose it as we have done all through 2021.  We're over 6 years into our comeback and I must admit it's getting difficult to keep up.  At times it's so frustrating, I really want to keep going but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about quitting for good.

But new year and all that, let's not let the bastards grind us down eh?


we 3 kings


Beth Wetter

Beth had a slightly different Christmas meal this time around.


Chris Witty

Sex midget gave me 3 doses...



Would I lie to you?

Still think the media tells you truth about COVID?

Remember that picture of Bergamo in 2020, all the coffins lined up?  It was reported that those were from COVID deaths and the bodies were there because the hospitals were so full they had nowhere to store them.

Turns out it's bullshit.  The picture was actually taken in 2013 and are the bodies of a shipwreck from a boat going from Syria to Italy.

Look at this, it's the same picture:



Meanwhile, "Top medic issues warning..."

Dr Chaand Nagpaul, council chairman of the British Medical Association says that they've "never known this level of absence before" as levels hit 120,000.

Except, a quick check of the OFFICIAL NHS data and in particular the "Staff Absence" column shows that, oh look...

During April and May 2020 this 120k figure was surpassed on a daily basis.

02-Apr-20 03-Apr-20 04-Apr-20 05-Apr-20 06-Apr-20 07-Apr-20 08-Apr-20 09-Apr-20 10-Apr-20
155,299 156,304 156,205 155,816 156,385 162,696 159,957 158,187 150,774

28-Apr-20 29-Apr-20 30-Apr-20 01-May-20 02-May-20 03-May-20 04-May-20 05-May-20
130,259 131,144 130,077 127,493 123,354 123,019 125,096 124,079

So on the 6th April 2020 there were over 162K staff absences.  That entire week didn't go below 150K.

And at the end of April going into May the same, with over 131K off on the 29th April.


The rise of Hitler

Is it happening again?


Gret Bigg-Turdberg

Wants to change the Lateral Flow kits


And finally...

We have some more Social Media Shitheads who think wet beds and haven't understood the concept of mild symptoms yet.

 Until next time!



Hey all!  Back again.  It was nice to receive good feedback of late, keep it coming, it makes it worthwhile even if we can't always dedicate the time we need to this project.


She's back

Tabatha Higgs-Boson is back and she's really feeling festive.


Would I lie to you?

Still think the media are telling you truth about COVID?

A few weeks ago ITV News tweeted that the head of NHS England said that hospital admissions were up 14% on this time last year.  How is that even possible considering we're told that nearly 80% of the UK has been vaccinated?

For clarification, that's 14% higher from November last year to this November.  A time from when we were ALL unvaxxed.

 ITV hospital admissions

It was only when she was prompted to clarify did she say this was based on the data from August this year!  So she's going from August 2020 to August 2021!

Sky News got in on the act as well... 

sky news 14 percent

And then deleted the Tweet.

Meanwhile, in Australia this headline was run in an Aussie paper:

australia kid death

A child is LOST to COVID19, how terrible!  Except right at the end it says the child didn't die from COVID and wasn't hospitalised because of it.

He had menigitis.


Speaking of deleted Tweets...

gmtv deleted tweet

When GMTV ran this poll and after almost 45,000 votes didn't go the way they thought it might - Yes, you guessed it, they deleted it.

And finally for this section...

wales online queues

Just this week, Wales Online ran this tweet - suggesting there were massive queues for the booster with people waiting up to 5 hours.

Don't know if this was to encourage or discourage people from going for it.  HOWEVER, this is clearly not from this week.

Nobody in ANY coats.  All in t-shirts, plenty of shorts to be seen.  Either winter in Wales is REALLY fucking warm or they've just taken a stock photo and tried to suggest it was real.



Climate Activist

In Christmas lights shame.


The hospital?  What is it?

It's a big building with lots of patients, but that's not important right now.

Actually it is, because some people don't seem to understand what they are.

Here's my handy cut out and keep Introduction to Hospitals.


Social Media Shitheads

We've not had one for ages, and there's plenty about.

This one caught my eye this week.


Insulate Britain activist

dies in prison.


We're only interested in bad news

This is an interesting Twitter exchange between the editor of Spectator and someone who works for Sage.

sage models bad outcomes

You can read it yourself but Graham Medley of Sage basically confirms that they only model what they're asked to model, which doesn't include the good news.

It seems Boris et al have already made the decisions up front and then ask Sage to create a model that agrees with the restrictions to be brought in - WHY isn't it the other way round?

We know Omicron is more transmissable BUT the level of sickness is on a par with a heavy cold - Why aren't we listening to South Africa on this?  They were supposed to have experienced it first.

And Sajid Javid said the other day that cases were doubling every 2-3 days, well the cases for the last 3 have been: 93K, 90K and today 82K.  We've probably seen the peak, just like SA did.

Sage and dickhead Ferguson have been wrong all the way through this, they have ZERO credibility left.


And finally...

Are you a virologist


That's all for this time folks.  Have a lovely Christmas and New Year, wherever you are.  See you on the other side.



boosters millions

Coming soon to a cinema near you!

So we never quite made it back for the weekend - busy times and that!

However, still fucking angry!

People are angry at Boris and his cronies attending parties at Number 10 last year.  

"What does it matter?", some people say, "it's just a party"

Well, for starters, it wasn't just A - singular party, there were several.

Boris and his twats broke the rules.

Now, I'll let you into a little secret... I broke the rules too last year.  Multiple times.

You see, I travelled across the country to see family.  I had to travel between the house I was selling and to my wife and daughter who were living 50 miles away.

Maybe that's not classed as breaking the rules, but you know what, I don't care.

So can I really complain when I see people like Neil Ferguson, Dominic Cummings etc breaking the rules?  Well, yes - yes I can.

Here's why:

I didn't go on TV telling people to stay at home, I didn't tell the nation that if you mixed with other people you'd kill your granny.  I didn't break lockdown to have it away with a married woman, despite telling the media there would be an unrealistic number of deaths or make wild predictions.

I didn't ruin Christmas for everyone or close the pubs despite the social distancing measures and table service working perfectly fine.

I didn't ruin peoples lives, finances, businesses or livelihoods.

At least it's given us a new Christmas Carol this year:

At the twelth party at Number 10, Michael Gove gave to me:
Twelve MP's bumming
Carrie Johnson griping
Ten Lords-a-groping
Matt Hancock dancing
Government Aides-a-bonking
Sajid's Secret Santa
Six MP's lying
Four Call Girls
Three lines of coke
Two White Doves
And some Chablis with some Brie


THAT'S why people are angry, it's the sheer hypocrisy of the man.  And he wants to do it all again.

I'll be honest, I know some good people in the media.  I have contacts that can provide good info around a few different subjects, and I have it on good authority that some of the restrictions that Boris is wanting to place on us now is purely to get back at the journalists who have investigated Partygate.  It's spiteful and it won't affect that fat, Albino ponce one jot.

We have a right to be angry, especially when the new measures aren't even necessary.  Omicron is no more than a bad cold, it's winter for fucks sake - It's normal!



Would I lie to you?

Still think you're being told the truth by the media?

Such as GMTV the other day where the charlatan Doctor SHILLary Jones claimed that 90 - yes 90 percent of people in hospital with COVID are unvaccinated.  The official ONS website says that figure is 35.6%.

Only 4% of beds in England are taken up by COVID patients.


And finally...

A rant about the NHS.