Not long after it was announced that the European Space Agency is proposing a Sat Nav system to navigate on the Moon it has transpired there is now a new
deadly "Moon Variant" of COVID-19.

This move is unexpected given that people are still shitting themselves over the Indian variant of the virus and SAGE haven't yet selected their next variant from the "Variant Dartboard".

sage dartboard


It was widely expected that the Mars variant would appear later in 2021 as SAGE attempt to keep people from socialising and continuing to ruin people's lives.

Lucozade Big Bottle  Research into COVID-19 vaccines and treatments has been escalating since March 2020, with various treatments seeming to be ineffective whilst others
  showing a greater level of efficacy. However, doctors have been trialling an age old substance with astonishing results.

  The 1980s version of Lucozade has been wowing doctors and scientists alike as it appears to be having a 100% strike rate against the bug.

  Monkey on Toast medical correspondent Harry Shopman tells us, "It's like nothing we've ever seen before. Of all the patients who were in hospital with moderate to severe symptoms
  found that after just three 100 ml glasses of the drink completely cured them, leaving with antibodies that could fight off even the hardest of COVID bugs".

 The race is now on to mass produce the eighties version of the drink as it has changed many times since, for the worse.

Former singer Brian Harvey has contracted Coronavirus from a Baked Potato, Monkey on Toast understands.

Harvey, 45 from Walthamstow is said to have caught the COVID-19 virus after eating a jacket potato with cheese at home.

It is thought the virus was already present in the potato which Harvey didn't wash before cooking; this means the virus might be able to survive being on full power in a microwave for 12 minutes.

This is the 2nd time the former 90's boyband singer has suffered at the hands of a jacket potato after famously running himself over whilst eating one while driving.

A man from Chesterfield almost died this week when he forgot to breathe.

Kevin Mincemeat, 25 said, "I watched the Prime Ministers speech on Sunday and thought I knew everything there was about life but later on I just physically stopped breathing!"

Kevin, a currently fuloughed printer physically stopped breathing because Boris Johnson didn't tell him he needed to in his speech.

"Boris Johnson didn't tell me I needed to breathe, so I didn't", he said, "I just thought, 'Oh, I don't need to breathe if old BoJo hasn't told me to, like'".

Kevin, who is known as a bit of a plonker will be fired into sun for stupidity just as soon as flights resume.

Remember back in 2018 when a pretty young America girl wore a traditional Chinese dress to her school Prom and some Chinese American guy got all whiny about it, because he said it was "Cultural Appropriation"?

chinese prom dress

Well, a bunch of bedwetters are about to get even more whiny because 3.5m people worldwide have now been infected with the virus that originated in China.

"Who do these Americans think they are, getting infected with our virus?", said Wuhan Jan.  Jan is said to be "fewmin" on Facebook because the virus that started in a virus lab in China has literally gone viral.

"It's our bloody virus", she said, "Why can't those American bastards get their own virus? Like Trump or Hilary Clinton."

 Meanwhile, a group calling itself "Justice for Corona" is running a campaign to stamp out the virus worldwide.

"We want our virus back", they sung as they gathered for the first time since Wuhan Lockdown was lifted.

"It is nothing more than cultural appropriation and we're sick of it, it's bloody racist an' all", said Zhou Wei, "it's not like we take anything from England is it?"

When it was pointed out that Chinese people in England run takeaways serving the national dish of fish and chips the line went dead.  Probably a Zoom issue or something.


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