Bin missing ya

So this week I found out my weekly waste collection is moving to fortnightly.

I contacted my local council to see whether I'd be entitled to a Council Tax reduction or a rebate from past payments but the response was "Negatory, Captain".

So, let's just get this straight.

I will continue to pay a monthly council tax fee which includes a weekly household waste collection and a fortnightly recycling collection, however, they will now only be making 26 household waste collections a year. The council tax won't be reduced, so just what extras am I getting for my money?

After all, I am paying for 52 collections and only getting 26.

Who knows.  Maybe the council will introduce a broadband type clause, claiming I may be entitled to "Up to 52 collections a year".

It seems however, I may be entitled to a bigger bin but that could be following a waste audit.

Which is bad news as I'm going to have to find somewhere else to dispose of those body parts.

When I asked the reason for the change I was told, "We have to make cuts".

I suggested to the council that I would continue to pay my normal monthly fee but only make the payment every other month.  This went down like a pork pie at a Bar Mitzvah.

"I've got to make cuts", I told them.

"You're a cut", she said.  Sounded like cut anyway.  Might have been cult.

I also suggested that if I needed to get rid of my household refuse prior to the fortnightly collection then I'd have to visit my local tip.

Or Household Waste & Recycling Centre as we have to call them now.

And if I'm taking my own rubbish to the tip, sorry, Household Waste & Recycling Centre yet still paying the council to do it then surely I'd be entitled to something back?

It seems not.

When I suggested the council could introduce a sort of loyalty scheme or "Lump when you dump" as I called it, I was met with silence.

I went further, "No listen babes, when I turn up to drop off my rubbish because you can't be arsed to come and pick it up then you could stamp me a little card.  After so many visits you give me a rebate?"

"You're after a facking larf, aren't you mate?", I was told.

Because I live in 1970's London.

But this got me thinking, how far will this go?

You ring the Police to report a murder and they tell you that they came to your street last week and therefore they cannot visit the scene of the crime.

This has already happened to an extent with the Police in Leicester only attending burglaries where the house number is even, therefore ignoring odd numbers.

God knows what they do if the house doesn't have a number and only has a name like Dunroaming or PretentiousBollocks.

"I've just seen a woman being attacked in the street!  Come quickly" will be met with, "Sorry sunshine, we're busy like.  Can you apprehend the chap yourself and bring him down the nick for us?"

Could happen.