The "Train Twat" Commandments

If you've travelled regularly on public transport and in particular trains in the UK then you will no doubt have encountered Train Twat:

I will stand in a strategic position on the platform and when the train pulls in I will aggressively side-step with the train with my elbows out and bag swinging to ensure that I WILL be first in front of those doors when they open. Get in my way Grandma and you'll find yourself face down on the track - this is Train Wars!

I will put my bags on the seat next to me and hope that people are too polite to ask me to move them even though I can see people standing, looking at my bags on the seat and giving me daggers. I will hold my nerve no matter what. It is you against me!

I will sit on the outside seat and hope people won't spot the empty seat next to me or are too polite to ask me to move.

I will strategically put a newspaper on the seat next to me...that might keep the buggers away.

 Old person - don't expect me to stand for you. I don't care if you fought in the war for this country - this fat arse ain't moving for no-one!

 If somebody does have the audacity to sit next to me I will refuse to move up even though I occupy two thirds of the seat and they are  perched on the seat with one arse cheek hanging off the end.

 I will talk loudly on the phone about what inane drivel I got up to at weekend. I'm sure they'll all find it as hilarious as me that I had to  take the morning after pill again.

 I will conduct business meetings on the train to make myself look important even though my briefcase only contains an apple and  some deodorant.

 When standing I will NOT move down the train even though I can clearly see people on the platform struggling to get on...cos that's  the way I roll.

 When leaving the train I will dump my newspaper and coffee cup. Someone else will clean up that shit!

 Men - I will sniff for the entire journey. Tissues are for wimps.

When I have a cold I will cough and sneeze without covering my mouth. Why should I be the only one that's ill?

SBDs (Silent but Deadly Farts) are perfectly acceptable on a train, after all nobody knows it was me...we are all equal suspects.

Your book is my book. I know it's rude to read over your shoulder but I don't care. When you show your disapproval by tilting your book away from me I will just crane my neck even further...I'm desperate to know what Mr Gray is going to do next.

I will always listen to my music at full volume. To hell with anyone that this annoys I'm a 50 year old fat bloke who loves One Direction - deal with it.

I will always do my best to be a completely selfish Twat!

Congratulations - you are now officially a "Train Twat".

Written for Monkey on Toast by Matt.