So, Eurovision then.

We did better than most years, but I just don't understand how Portugal won it!  It was a truly awful song.

The win means Portugal will host the event next year.  I won't watch the show but I will check up on it ever half hour.

Might even have some Tapas.


Monkey on Toast Merchandise presents...

The new Diane Abbott wristwatch.  It's a doozy.


Fuck you, Fat Boy Slim

We've retired the Headline Makers section as it was only used once and rebranded it Rag Watch.

In it, the new section will look at the Rags (Sun, Mirror, Star) and make fun of stupid headlines and non stories.

Our first go is about Fat Boy Slim being an awful rotter.


Facebook Fuckwitts

Over in Facebook Fuckwitt Corner we have a new rant about Theresa May wearing shoes


And finally...

A new rant about Holiday Insurance

Diane Abbott is a dick

Anti white Labour MP Diane Abbott was in the news this week because of her inability to count, not knowing her own party politics and being an absolute waste of skin.

In an interview Abbott gave with LBC she claimed that 10,000 new police officers would be recruited if Labour wins the forthcoming General Election and when pushed for a price said it would be £80m.

Eighty million pounds divided by 10,000 is 8,000.  

When she was asked if the new police officers would be paid £8,000 a year this is her response:

DA: No, we're talking about a process over 4 years

NF: I don't understand, what is he or she getting?  80 million divided by 10,000 equals 8,000.  What are these police officers being paid?

DA: We will be paying them the average

NF: Has this been thought through?

DA: Of course it's been thought through

NF: Where are the figures?

DA: The figures are that the additional costs in year one when we anticipate recruiting 250,000 policemen will be £64.3 million

NF: 250,000 policemen?

DA: And women

NF: So you're getting more than 10,000?  You're recruiting 250,000?

DA: No, we are recruiting 2,000 and perhaps 250

NF: So where did the 250,000 come from?

DA: I think you said that, not me

Unbelievable!  I've watched and listened to several interviews with Diane Abbott over the last few days and she's floundered her way through every single one, constanly repeating the same words and phrases. In particular, "Specifically allocated" and "Reversing Capital Gains Tax".

When pushed for further details about where Labour will get the money from she insists that reversing CGT will pay for it, although she can provide no figures.  In another interview with the BBC she sat there, having absolutely no idea what was going on.  She's the political equivalent of that fake sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela's memorial.

If anyone was thinking voting Labour, surely you've got to be toying with yourself?  I know I am.  Do I want a change?  Probably yes.

Do I want this woman anywhere near the Government?

Do I fuck.

Remember that time she was on that gameshow?

A Monkey on Toast Original :)


More election stuff

So the manifesto's aren't out yet, so we can't make an informed decision about who to vote for although Labour's draft manifesto was leaked earlier.

In it, it states that they will renationalise the rail network, freeze fares, add free wi-fi and end driver only trains.

It also states that Royal Mail will be renationalised and create at least one publicly owned energy company.

Now, all this sounds absolutely great, but I have to ask, just WHERE does the money come from to pay for it all?

By simply repeating that reversing the CGT over and over again doesn't bring in more money.  Each time the line is said it doesn't double the amount.

Do I think the rail could be renationalised? Not at all, it's too far gone.  I've wrote before about how I think utilities (and I believe rail to be included in this) SHOULD be owned and run by the State, but it would cost an astronomical amount of money to put right.

I hate the "free wi-fi" on trains line, if you're voting for a party based off the fact you'll get free wi-fi on a train  you need to give your head a wobble and grow up.

From what I can see in the manifesto summary, it's all idealist stuff, and if I was gullible I'd take it all in, but I'm not.  It cannot all be delivered, there is just nor the time or money available to do it.

Again, it says Zero Hour Contracts will be banned, I applaud that - I've written about it before too, I despise the very notion of it.  But you get rid of those and you instantly have a spike in unemployment.  Sure, it might even out over time, but it's a huge risk.

Labour are simply promising too much to be credible.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not siding with the Tories here, as I said in my last update, I'm looking from all sides.  I don't particularly like Theresa May and most of her cronies, but if I'm going to vote for her to do one then the opposition needs to be able to deliver and not have people like Diane Abbott around.  Fuck, I'd rather have Kim Jong-Un in Government over her.

Meanwhile, the usual Facebook crowd have been doing their little images:

Clearly put together by someone who wants the Tories out, the Labour side details manifesto points where the Tory side shows what will absolutely definitely happen, as if they are part of the Tory manifesto.

But hang on, that can't be right can it?  Because only the nasty Tories tell lies and promote propaganda don't they?  Jeez.

And you wonder why people are fed up of politics when this kind of shit is wheeled out.  It doesn't provide a fair balance.

What I also find confusing is that if everybody wants the Tories out like they say they do, why were the recent local elections a landslide for the Tories?


And finally...

Over in Facebook Fuckwitt Corner we see a list of A list of people who drink too much.

We'll be back over the weekend with more stuff that I don't have time to write right now! :)

Bye for now peeps!

Let's start with...

Attack of the Facebook Cloners


Oops Up.

Theresa May was as serious as cancer when she called a Snap Election last week.

Well, she does have The Power.

 And this sent a Facebook group called "We demand the Government calls an election" went into a frenzy about it.

I'll piss myself when the Tories win by a landslide and they still want to call for an election, because it's not the result THEY want.  The usual case of "I want democracy but only if it's the one I've voted for", I'm afraid.

Strange name for a group given it was formed on 18th December 2012, two and a half years AFTER an election which, granted, was run by a Tory led Coalition, but the group continued with the sniping way after the May election of 2015 in which the Tories won by a majority.

So, even after the election was won fair and square the group pushed and pushed for another election.


Interestingly, it seems within the last few days the group has changed its name to "We Demand UK", but I fully expect it it to change back again after June.

Meanwhile, the memes don't stop there:

Because they're blaming Theresa May for everything THAT HAS HAPPENED EVER!

The claim that she has called a General Election because she's destroyed the country, NHS, created poverty etc.

That's a lot since last June, to be fair, if that's true she's done a sight more than Corbyn.

But honest, what a stupid fucking claim to make.  She's not responsible for that, she became PM off the back of the country voting Brexit.  She's merely gone with the wishes of the country like David Cameron said the Tories would when they offered the referendum in the first place. 

You might as well have a meme like this:

Meanwhile, more memes come out from the hilarious We Demand posse:

Really? You honestly think she's "shit scared" do you?

I actually applaud her for NOT taking part, you know why?  Because it's bullshit.  It's an awful Americanism we can do without, like most Americanisms, if I'm brutally honest.

Do you really want to see a group of political leaders talking shit about each other like some kind of pre-boxing weigh in?  Corbyn with his swagger, May with her beat down.  Farron with his, er, Kevin Eldon look.

No, I don't.  It's all a load of concentrated arse wash.

Now, before you all start seething and calling me all sorts of shit because you think I'm supporting May here, calm the fuck down.

What I am defending and supporting is FACTS.  Real world facts, not memes from Facebook that people believe without questioning it.  You believe everything you see from "We Demand UK", a Facebook group DEDICATED to ousting the Tories and supporting Labour.  Do you think they're going to post FACTS?  No, it's all biased propaganda.

Who am I supporting then?  In all honesty, I really don't know.

Do I like May?  Not particularly.

Would I trust Corbyn?  No.  How can I believe a man who deliberately sat on a train floor and pretended to be one of the proles after passing a load of empty seats.

Do I trust Tim Farron?  I have no idea who he is!  I thought he was the guy who made computer music.  I was about to applaud him for LED Storm when I realised that's Tim Follin.

That's how insignificant the Lib Dems are.

I'll read the manifestos and do what's right for me, like I always do.  And I urge you all to do the same.


Jeremy's Chinese friends were surprised at his claims


And finally...

Can you spot the difference between the Conservative and Plaid Cymru leaders?

Theresa May but Leanne Wood.

Fuck off.


Happy Time.

We're not allowed to use the word Easter anymore in case it upsets someone on someone else's behalf, so we're just going to call it "time".

Hope you've had a great one.


Bullshit News

Assad calls bullshit


Come live with me

Naughty landlords are offering young homeless people accomodation in exchange for sex, the BBC revealed.

Apparently the landlords are posting adverts on Craigs List offering the rooms rent free, in exchange for a bonk.

I do hope the section the adverts are posted in is called "Gash 2 crash".


Spice up your life

There's a new epidemic in town.


And finally...

What this clickbait did next is jaw dropping

A man who hit his wife with a cricket bat was spared jail because he told the court he was a professional cricketer who had just been offered a contract with Leicester.

The aptly named Mustafa Bashir (known to his mates as Must have a bash, here) also made his wife drink bleach - a shocking tale of domestos abuse.

However, it turned out that Bashir hadn't been offered a cricketing contract at all, as Leicester confirmed they had never heard of him.

And he was as good at cricket as David Blunkett.

Such was the outcry that the judge recalled Bash back to court within weeks and sentenced him to 18 months in prison.

Now, how the hell did he get away with it the first time?  When he offered his sob story about his professional contract why did the prosecution team not chase it up, you know, by making asking Leicester County Cricket if they'd heard of the cunt?

It's a 2 minute job to be fair.

Only after the story became public did Leicester say, "Hang on, who's this shit gibbon we've been linked with?" and set the record straight.

Bashir should have been done for perjury as well as domestic abuse.

Owzat, me old china?





So it turns out Wonga, the Pay Day loan sharks have been hacked.  A long time MoT fan tells us:

"Wonga have been hacked, potentially giving cyber criminals access to the details of thousands of empty bank accounts.

Criminals can use the customer details to apply for credit cards and loans which will be instantly refused due to poor credit ratings."


Meanwhile, in Primark

An outraged snowflake forced Primark to remove a T-shirt from their stores which featured a picture of Lucille, the baseball bat from The Walking Dead along with Negan's slogan, "Eeny Meeny Miny Moe"

The reason for his outrage?  He says it's a racist slogan.

No, not it really isn't you prick!

Now, we know that slogan CAN be used in conjunction with the N word, but it isn't in the TV show.  There are no racial undertones to The Walking Dead whatsoever, so how can 1 man arrive at such a ridiculous decision?

Ian Lucraft from Sheffield was so disgusted by the T-Shirt that he wrote a stinging letter to the store and forced it to remove the T-Shirt.

Now, let's take this a little further.

Ian Lucraft isn't just another shopper.  He's a Methodist Minister.

He also does not watch TWD.

So he's arrived at a totally ill informed decision by WHAT he THINKS, he thinks it could be racist and therefore it must be, yet having never watched the show he could not be any more wrong.

All this from a man who preaches about a mythical man that lives in the clouds and his so called prick of a son who died and came back to life. Sure he did, dickhead, sure he did.



Worst Jackie Chan Film.  EVER.


And finally...

A little rant about Ed Sheeran and Matt Cardle.