Manchester United insider and Toast Fan "Paul Scold" tells us:

England and Man United Captain Wayne Rooney has been in the spotlight of late because he enjoyed a night on the piss at a wedding.

Cue lots of ex footballers jumping to his defence along the lines of “It was his night off, he can do what he wants”.

No, no he can’t.

You see, he’s supposed to be a professional footballer.  He’s the wrong side of 30 and is paid £300K a week.

No, you might say, “But it’s just one night, he’s entitled to a bit of fun, no?

He’s entitled to lots of nights of fun, as we all are.  However, we’re not professional sportsmen paid a fucking fortune are we?

And it’s not just one night, he has been drinking and smoking heavily for years. 

Rooney was with the England setup, when it became apparent he wasn’t going to make the game against Spain.  Whilst some players went out clubbing, Rooney decided to stay in the hotel and ended up at a wedding party.

Having sunk a few and getting a bit lairy, he’d been told to go to bed by the then England caretaker manager, Gareth Southgate. 

Which he did.  Well, he got up to his room, waited for Southgate and co to disappear and then went back down to the bar.

Now, the story is not quite how the papers made out.  He didn’t gate-crash the wedding party, he was invited over by the groom.

But he got absolutely hammered and fell asleep on the keys of a piano at 5 in the morning.

Which makes an absolute mockery of those jumping to his defence, claiming he only had 1 drink.

Maybe he did have 1 drink, but it was a great fucking big one that lasted at least 7 hours.

This kind of behaviour is not new to Rooney, who has struggled with his weight over the last few years.  Unsurprisingly, there has been a sharp decline in his fitness and form over the last 3 years or so.

These things are absolutely linked.

After the story first broke, Rooney made a mealy-mouthed apology before appearing to retract it with an outburst after the United vs Arsenal game at the weekend, claiming his England career isn’t over, he deserves more respect and “enough is enough”.

Which is probably what one of the guests said when Rooney was spotted getting handy with his wife/girlfriend and almost knocked the fat scouser out.

The fact is, Rooney isn’t in a position to do what he wants.  He’s paid to be a professional athlete, and at the moment he is neither.

Both Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi are a similar age, Ronaldo, if memory serves is older than Rooney.  When was the last time you saw Ronaldo pissed out of his head?  Never.

The guy is tee-total, as he wants to prolong his illustrious career.

When was the last time you saw Messi smoking and trying to touch up someone else’s wife?  Never.

There’s nothing stopping Rooney from spending the rest of his life, post-football, being a dribbling pisscan but anyone with some common sense and conscience should be looking at their contribution to both their teams, knuckling down and getting themselves fit.

Rooney is not capable of this, because he’s earning a ridiculous amount of money regardless of whether he plays or not.

He’s often surrounded himself by people who suck up to him, defend his actions and generally give him good press.

These are starting to dwindle now, people can no longer defend his shenanigans and continue to back a player who has the touch of a rapist.

I only had a liccle one, hic!

Log this!

Logging your internet is nothing new.


Show us yer thingy!

Need a passport to get healthcare?

Well the weekend update didn't quite happen, mainly due to the weekend not quite happening as planned.

Anyway, all sorted now.  They'll never find that dead prostitute now.


America has Trumped!

Well well well, didn't see that coming!  I firmly expected Illary / Killary / Hillary to win the US election.

As usual there's outrage from all over social media by people who seem to be experts in US politics.

Over on Facebook, Darren from Barnsley is an expert.  He's never been to the US and he can't remember what days he's supposed to put his fucking bins out for collection but he knows everything about US Politics.

Get a grip!

The truth is, neither of them are suitable to the President of the United States.  But hey, most of the recent ones haven't.

Reagan, a retarded, washed up, terrible actor.

George Bush, a whopper.

George W Bush, a double whopper with the IQ of a small child.

So what's with the faux-outrage now?  He's a successful business man, it's not going to be the end of the world just yet.


Tramps and Fillies

Tramps now accepting contactless payments

Who ya gonna call? Filibusters.


Dear Hassan

So I recently got my hands on the Asian equivalent of Dear Deirdre, an agony Aunt (I assume) called Dear Massi.

(This is all absolutely true, I assure you)

Now, it's absolutely nothing like Dear Deirdre.  There's no "I fancy my husbands brother" or "I've slept with my girlfriends mum".

Oh no, nothing of the sort.

It's full of things like:

"My fiance has embarrassed me in front of my family.  It was his third visit to the house and he asked to use the bathroom.  Soon after he said he had to leave and made his Mum get up.

Then my little brother came running down the stairs and shouted, 'Someone has blocked the toilet' in front of everyone..."

Absolute gold.  I don't know about this being his THIRD time at your house, certainly sounds like it was more like his TURD time.

And then there's classics about a woman whose husband doesn't like her wearing make-up.  However, she's more concerned her other half will cut up her credit card than anything else!

It shows just how the others live, eh!


Notice Me!

I just want to be liked.


And finally...

Monkey on Toast TV launches a new Gameshow


Boom, pop, fizz.

And so the crappy part of the years continues, after Halloween comes the crapfest that is Bonfire Night.

Or as retards call it “Bomfire” or even “Bombfire” Night.

It’s not the bonfires themselves that piss me off, but more the fireworks.

Fireworks shouldn’t be available for the general public, they’re a menace.

It’s been a problem for a few years now, as soon as they’re available there’s people letting them off every night, all the way up to November 5th, and beyond.

I know that shops are now limited to when they can sell them but it doesn’t stop some of these shops who can somehow sell them all year round.

I am firmly of the belief that fireworks should only be able to be sold to and used for organised displays.

Am I being a miserable killjoy here?  Not really, just think about it.

You can either go to a well organised display, where the standard of firework (no pun intended) is of the highest quality and where you’ll see a great display.  You might have to pay a small entrance fee, but you’ll probably get pie and peas.  Maybe even some Parkin.

Or you can go to the Malone’s round the corner, go through £100 of substandard fireworks in 3 seconds and probably see bugger all. 

If the use of fireworks is limited to proper organised displays then we won’t have accidents, vandalism and general fuckery associated with a country littered with retards.


Hve u gt insurence?

Facebook has blocked a trial by Insurer Admiral who wanted to view young drivers' profiles in order to use them when pricing premiums.

The app was supposed to look at the user's likes and posts in order to judge their safety as a driver.  If the driver was deemed "not a fucking dickhead" they'd offer a discount.

Have you SEEN the profiles of today's youth?  I've not seen many, mainly because I'm not a paedophile but the ones I have seen are dreadful!

In between duckface pictures, eyebrows "on fleek", likes of "My mum said if I can get 100000 likes I can get some new breasts" and posts that start with "OMG" I'm not surprised Admiral wanted to give it a go, they probably wanted to put the prices up for the stupid twats.



Ryan Giggs in line for every job going

And finally...

We'll be back over the weekend with another update... :)



I wrote this last week which contains some Halloween shit.  Read it.

Happy happy Halloween, Silver Shamrock!

It's that time of year again when kids dress up in costumes, go to people's houses, expecting sweets and getting something else.

No, it's not National Paedophile Day, it's Halloween.

The time of year when kids dress up in scary outfits such as Dracula, Mummies and the scariest of all, the Pirate.

Yes, that's right!  Because Pirates are always associated with horror and the occult aren't they?

And then there's the kids dressed as Spiderman, Superman and "Elsa From Fucking Frozen".

If you're going to dress up at least do it fucking properly.  And this, I think, is the reason I absolutely detest Halloween.

I've never liked it, even as a kid I thought it was pretty pointless.  But if you're going to get involved you should do it right.

If your kid tells you they want to go to a "scary" event dressed as anything that isn't scary then you might as well tell them it's not for them.

"What do you want to go to Jayden's dressed as this year, Spartacus?"

"Well, I rather fancy going as C3PO actually, Dad"

"Just fuck off.  You're not my child"

And then there's the "Trick or Treating", which is a load of bollocks.

It's also an American thing, that like America, can also fuck off.

Going round to people's houses basically saying "If you don't give me some sweets I'm going to vandalise your property" has always been known as "Blackmail" or "Threatening Behaviour".

Fortunately the last couple of years the weather's been shit on Halloween so not many kids have gone out, but this year with it falling on a Monday we've got the joy of not answering the door to some badly dressed wankpuffin tonight, tomorrow and ACTUAL FUCKING HALLOWEEN ITSELF.

Deep fucking joy.

This should deter a few kids coming round this weekend

Over on Facebook

I saw this posted:

At first I thought, "Oh, that's nice.  Some kid got a certificate for 100% attendance at school"

And then I did a double take.

Some kid got a certificate for 100% attendance at school, for 1 fucking month!

Shit the bastard bed!  Is this the level we're coming to now where we have to praise kids for turning up at school for a month?

It's not like the kid has gone all year (technically he has so far, but fuck off, whose side are you on?!) without a day off sick or feigning illness because he wants to stay at home to watch "Cash in the Attic" or he doesn't want to go to school because "Mr Drummond keeps bumming me".  No, this kid has had a month at school and now has a certificate to prove it.

Are kids really this needy these days?

Or is the school just one of those "Oh, everyone is a winner, even though you came last out of 100 people" schools?  There's building confidence and then there's just telling every kid how amazing they are even though most of them are dipshits.  This is how we've ended up with a generation of cunts called "Entitled Millennials" who think they're entitled to everything, are scared of hard work and are truly thicker than mince.

What 80's band Dollar look like now is jaw dropping

Wow, I've been busier than a Russian hacker and the World Anti-Doping Agency recently, let's hope we're going to be back to weekly updates soon :)

Stop Clowning Around

The craze of the killer clowns.  Oooh, scary.

Grown adults wandering round with knives and baseball bats scaring kids.

Except this "craze" almost certainly didn't happen.

A school in Morecambe sent a text message to parents after ONE child claimed he was chased down the street by a clown around 4PM.

Right, let's get this straight, absolutely no-one else saw this happen?  No witnesses to a child being pursued down the street at a time when everyone's on their way home?

Didn't happen.

Childline claims there were 120 calls in a week from children who claim to have been scared by clowns.

120 kids, in separate incidents or a mass "Clown Off"?

I call bullshit.

The only people who are claiming to see these clowns en-masse are children.  And we all know that children don't talk out their arses 99% of the time, no?

That's not to say there hasn't been any incidents, because there has.  One guy was confronted by a clown and chased him off.

But what about the people who were driving down the street and spotted a clown who "attacked" their car?  Yeah, of course.  You just so happened to be recording yourself driving down the road at night when this happened.  Sounds legit.

What a load of old balls.

Some clowns terrorizing the neighbourhood

Ain't nothing goin' on but the line rental

BT reacts to Vodafone's dropping of line rental

Daily Fail

Should turn this into a feature really, there's that much material.

So, according to the Daily Mail these ladies are, from Left to Right:

Jane Seymour, Jane Fonda, Raquel Welch, Jane Fonda and Bo Derek.

They're at the same Ball so not only has Jane Fonda managed to change dresses she's also got 2 years younger.

Great work there, Daily Fail!

For those who can't work it out, number 4 is Bo Derek and number 5 is Melanie Griffiths.


Radio Ads

Getting more pissed off with radio adverts than TV ones these days.  The latest is that fucing awful Vauxhall advert that goes:

Woman 1: Jump in, Lou!
Woman 2: Nice ride Becky!  Loving the new Vauxhall.  Good price?
Becky: It was actually Lou, I got £500 off just for test driving it.
Lou: That explains the tiarra!
Becky: Bit of bling! I just jumped in and got more
Lou: I can see that Becks, I can see that!

Grrr!  I hate it.  It couldn't sound more like an advert if it tried.  

Nobody uses each others names in a conversation like that either.  The first exchange maybe, but not after that, it just doesn't happen.

I've heard it that many times I'm actually convinced now that Vauxhall are that stingy that they've only employed the one voice over artist and she's playing the parts of Becky and Lou (who can both fuck right off) and therefore has to use names so we don't think she's a fucking schizo.

Fucking fuck off with this advert, you hoofwanking jizzsocks.

And finally...

There's a new rant about charity dumbing down.