Roald Dahl Day

Not content with having "World Book Day" which seems to be on different days in different countries (so should be called local book day), there's now a new one.

Roald Dahl Day.  So, in true fashion, Facebook is full of people's kids dressed up as Roald Dahl characters.

Naturally, I was more than happy to send my kid to school dressed as such.

So here's my boy, Leroy dressed as his favourite character - The Giant Peach from James and the Giant Peach.

Nice one, Leroy.


The Great British Fuck Off

People are getting upset about a TV show moving channels.


Zero hours, zero credibility.

I was pleased lately to see companies like Sports Direct being taken to task and actually having to reform their working practices and the way they treat staff.

Zero hour contracts to me are just a way for companies to take people on without giving them employee rights and privileges.

The latest company to be in the spotlight is courier firm, Hermes.

They are accused of paying less than the National Living Wage by paying their couriers per delivery and therefore pretty much making them self employed.

This means they don't get holidays, employee rights or perks.

Naturally, they have denied this but the courier firms have been the subject of Panorama shows quite recently.  It is clear why some delivery drivers leave parcels etc in stupid places as they don't get paid until the parcel is delivered, which could be days if the recipient is not in.

However, I think with Yodel they're just trained to be a bunch of lying, sneaky bastards.

The sooner all these firms are cleaned up the better, people should be employed on clear contracts, they're working for you, you should be paying them properly including pensions.


And Finally...

The BBC already has a replacement for GBBO lined up

Naughty old climate change

The Black Lives Matter campaign became a parody of itself this week when it blockaded London City Airport claiming that climate change was a racist crisis.

In other words, climate change is racist.

This is an organisation with such a serious chip on its shoulder that it doesn't know what it's doing or saying anymore.

Of course, there's not many people who don't agree that black lives matter, with the exception of the people of Alabama maybe.  We all know black lives matter, and quite frankly, as I've said before, ALL lives matter not one particular race, creed or colour.

It seems black lives don't seem to matter in the US when gangbangers are shooting each other, that appears to be overlooked.

But are they REALLY saying that climate change only affects black people?

The country gets stupider by the day, which leads me on to this...


Stupid get

A man called the Police when he was served the wrong type of tea in a London cafe.

Yes, you read that correctly.

The story goes that dickhead orders a lemongrass and ginger tea.  Cafe doesn't have that particular drink available that day but does have lemon and ginger, a suitable substitute to any normal person.

However, when he finds out he makes a scene and starts writing a TripAdvisor review using the free WiFi.

At which point he's quite rightly told to fuck off, continue fucking off and then when he's fucked off so far to then fuck off some more.

In my words.

At which point, he rings the Police to complain.

At least he didn't ring 999, the steaming bell end.

The article claims the man in question has found himself at the "centre of a fierce Twitter backlash", however, it appears the "backlash" is just a few people calling him a cockwomble.

Rightly so.

Who the fuck kicks off over a tea bag in a cafe?  Yes, the cafe should have told him it was a substitute and given him the chance to order something even more pretentious but that's hardly the end of the world is it?

What makes this story worse is that he proudly told the newspaper that he was a "Senior contributor to TripAdvisor", like that means anything at all.

Senior Contributor just means you've had loads of reviews published, you cretin.  Do you really think that holds any credibility in life?

I can just see it now, Theresa May decides to have a cabinet shuffle.  Gets rid of some prostitute shagging, money grabbing, lying shithouse (yes, take your pick really) and requires a new Home Secretary, for example.  Does she go with someone who is highly educated and might know a thing or two about the job?

No, does she hell!  She goes for Cunty Bollock Chops here because he's a Senior Contributor to TripAdvisor!

He's written more cunty reviews about not having enough pepper on his dinner or there being 2 grains of salt too many in his Lobster Roulade, the absolute weapon.

People really are fucking stupid.


How do you solve a problem like (North) Korea?

Following North Korea's latest nuclear test the UN is considering sanctions against the country.

This is the 2nd test this year, despite the country being banned from any nuclear activity.

Considering sanctions though?  What sanctions could the UN possibly apply that will make any difference to the mad bastard running the country?

(That's Kim Jong-Un, not Theresa May)

The UN can place sanctions against some countries and it will make a difference.  Trade and so forth.

Even a threat of war.

But North Korea is very much an untouchable country because there are so many sanctions in place already and coupled with the fact the country is as closed as BHS, there is nothing else that can be imposed for Mad Kim to suddenly say, "Oh shit! Me so sowee, won't do it again!  We want you to rike us!"

You simply cannot deal with people like that.

The country is as secret as Keith Vaz's love life (maybe a bit more secret these days), there is absolutely nothing that can be done.

North Korea is a bit like that kid at school who got away with everything.  He was always threatened with being expelled, but as the school was soft it never actually did it.  The kid got told off every day, was put on report, parents were brought in, everything.  Yet he still was there, every day, until the end.

And you can't threaten Kim with war, because he doesn't give a shit.  He'll just pless, sorry, press that button and boom, the whole world goes to shit.

You can talk all you like about sanctions but the only way to sort it out is to take out KJU and try to enter into a dialogue with this successor, if he isn't madder than a box of frogs.


And finally...

An rant about bin collections.


Labour leader and prize plonker, Jeremy Corbyn has reacted angrily to Virgin owner Richard Branson after a publicity stunt went badly wrong.

Jeremy made a big fuss about being sat on the floor during the journey, alleging he was unable to find a seat on a packed train.

However, Virgin responded with CCTV evidence that old Corbo was "talking out of his arse".

Corbyn then retaliated by saying he hoped Sir Richard was well aware of his plans to nationalise the railways.

Now, dear Jeremy, we all have plans.

Like the way I'm planning to make sweet love to Rachel Riley, Susanna Reid and Liz Hurley all in one night.  

You see, there's plans and there's plans.

You need to be in power, which is about as likely as me boning any of the above stunning bits o' kit let alone all 3 in what would be described as "an amazing night".

(That's their words, not mine)

You're making yourself look like a right cock, Jez, me old chum.

There was no need to do the train stunt, you could have had a seat and still moaned about the trains.

We all know the trains in this country are a bag of shite, lord knows I commuted to Manchester on the train for 2 years until I could do no more.  You don't need to tell me about not getting a seat.

Instead of taking pictures of yourself sat on the floor like a twat, you should have been doing what the rest of us do on the trains, take pictures of weirdos.

And upskirt shots.

You'll never make it, lad.


Facebook Fuckwitts

Over in Facebook Fuckwitt Corner, there are 2 idiots.

Water plonker

The Jeremy Corbyn lover


And finally...

When did we become so soft?

For the second time this year I've had to start a Toast Update with some sad news.

An ex-colleague, friend and Monkey on Toast contributor, Paul has sadly passed away.

I recruited Paul back in 2003 when Monkey on Toast was at its peak.  He warmed to the site instantly and wrote several articles, one particuar sticks in my mind as being called "The parlous state of our roads".

Paul was a ranter of the highest order and was particularly pleased when the site returned.

RIP Big Man.

The new YMCA dance needed a bit of work

Dig it up, pay it out

I was pleased to hear that councils now have the power to fine construction companies for digging up roads and leaving them to cause unnecessary traffic jams.

This has been a long bug bear for me, companies are quick to dig roads up but it seems to take them ages to put things back to normal.

What really grips my shit are the roadworks that involve traffic lights when they were not needed in the first place.  Sure, I understand there's health and safety to consider when the workers are working, drinking tea or reading The Sun, but why can't they just spend a few extra minutes at night to make sure the lights aren't a necessity?  How much longer would it take to put things back to normal for the evening or worse, the weekend?  Thirty minutes to an hour?  

John was delighted at his AIDS test result



"ITV to switch off its seven channels for an hour for Olympics event", says the BBC.

Won't make much difference to me, ITV is pretty much off all the time for me as it's full of shite.

Seven channels ITV has!  Seven.

ITV - Some good stuff occasionally, but most of the time it's BGT or X-Factor.  No thank you.

ITV2 - Repeated shite I never ever want to watch.

ITV Back to the Future - Constant repeats of the BTTF trilogy.

ITV Men in Black - As above but for the Men in Black movies.

ITV Be - I don't know what's on it, but it sounds wank.

ITV Encore - Probably more repeats.

ITV HD - HD versions of shite.

What's happened to ITV over the years?  It used to be good, it used to be a good rival to the BBC but now it's driven purely by phone-ins to make money.


Democracy is dead

There's a new rant about Democracy. Check it out.  


Darren's impression of Robert Smith wasn't perfect yet


Sports Direct

Are a bit naughty.


Are people really this dumb?

So last week, Ellen DeGeneres tweeted this Tweet below:

Pretty funny to be honest but of course some absolute whoppers found a reason to be offended by it:

"You thought it'd be funny to post a pic of yourself riding on the back of a Black man? Nope. Delete this racist garbage."
"So riding on his back like a mule, a horse as some form of property is fun to you..."

What the fuck is wrong with people?  This is not racist in any way!  The point of the tweet was that she was riding on the world's fastest man, not because he's black and ergo he must be some kind of slave.

Why do people constantly see the negative in everything?  Always looking for some reason to call racism.

Are you trying to show the world you're a sensitive soul?  "Oh look, I think I'll get props for being offended by this!  Everyone will agree with me!"

No they fucking won't, you empty vessel.

Stop being offended at everything all the damn time.

Get over yourself, prick.

Until next time, homies!

Doping is the new PPI.

So it seems Russia has been caught red handed and involved in doping of their athletes.

If that wasn’t bad enough, it seems it was state sponsored.  In other words, the Government paid for their athletes to cheat.

This means that not only are the track and field athletes banned from the current Rio Olympics but Russia as a whole were lucky not to be banned from the event.

It could also mean that Russia could be forced to give back any of the medals for the events in which they were found to be doping.

And that sets a precedent for other athletes and sportspeople to claim medals or prizes they would have been entitled to.

Imagine all the new adverts on TV and radio!

Did your pub darts team come 2nd in the local championship but were beaten by a bunch of cheating Alberts?  YOU could be able to claim compensation!

While I don’t condone drugs cheats in sports we can’t keep reviewing old events.

Why does it take years for drug tests to come back?  Why isn’t it instant?  Why did it take so long for forensic experts to find that the bottles had been tampered with?

If we really want to stamp out cheating in sport then we need to find a way forward that doesn’t involve taking blood and urine samples and sending them away for weeks on end to the same labs that belong to the cheating swines.


Pokemon Go

It seems Kim Jong Un loves Pokemon Go

And there's a bit of noncery going on with the game.


And finally...

Here's a new about mobiles phones and in particular whilst at traffic lights.