What ho, old bean.

A posh University Challenge student has been charged with rape.

Bartholomew Cuthbert Joly de Lotbiniere has been alledged to have carried out a string of sex offences including rape.

If he's convicted I reckon he should change his name to "Lobitinthere"


Things overheard in the playground #261

"X (aged 9) got Star of the Week this week because he used toilet paper instead of his hand"

Hygienic.  And this is the same school where a Muslim kid called a non Muslim kid "dirty" because she had a ham sandwich.

Dirty?  Dirty is wiping your arse with your hand, pal.


James Bond

Monkey on Toast can exclusively reveal the next James Bond.


New Feature!

We've a new feature here at Monkey on Toast called Headline Makers.

It's a collection of scenarios and the potential newspaper headlines for them!

Feel free to send yours in, see the contact details on the About page.


Gorilla's will be missed

So the internet's gone wild over a gorilla that was shot because a child "fell" into its enclosure.

Experts who have never been to a zoo claim the gorilla, Harambe, shouldn't have been killed because it was protecting the child.

We've all seen the footage and while we're all animal lovers the shooting of the beast isn't as senseless as it may seem.

It has been stated that a tranquilizer dart wouldn't have taken immediate effect which could have brought harm to the child, Harambe could have drowned if the tranq kicked in whilst in the water and it's possible the child could have actually been squashed, possibly in the water.

Internet judges blame the parents, they should be shot apparently.

But it's not a black and white case against the gorilla, the parents or the child.

It appears fairly clear cut that Harambe wasn't exactly protecting the child and offering him up to any of the zoo staff.

It appears fairly clear cut that the child actually WANTED to get into the enclosure.  Having been heard several times saying he wanted to get into the enclosure, I find it very hard to believe the child "fell" into the enclose, I am of the belief he actually sought out a way to do so.

It appears fairly clear cut the parents are fuckwitts for not watching their child in public and for not keeping hold of him when it became clear what his intentions were.

It's possible Harambe wouldn't have brought any harm on the child, but is that really a risk worth taking?

Yes, it's sad a rare beast was shot but you have to do what you think is right at the time, I can't think of another way this situation could have been resolved.


And finally...

A man is arrested for wearing a t-shirt.

Until next time.

Jilted Jihadi John

A woman who supported ISIS, spread radical propaganda and said she wanted to marry Jihadi John has been jailed.

Jihadi John's Wife
Still, she's half way there I guess, look at that 'tache!


Staying in that region

It seems that Iraq are desperate to bring back Saddam Hussein.


worst brothel everWorst brothel ever.


Meanwhile, in Soapbox land

There's a mini rant about Sofology.


Disturbing news

About Richard Reid, the Shoe Bomber.



Very Loose Women

So, Katie Price’s son, Harvey, drops the C-bomb on Loose Women, live on air.

Whilst this is quite funny, in fact, it’s hilarious, it also shows just how much of a piss-dribbling thundercunt Katie is.  If that ever really was in question.

For those not in the know, Harvey is what is known in the trade as “a mong”.

And as such, mongs don’t socialise with other children in the same way.

I’d be surprised if he leaves the house to be honest.

So, where did he learn the C word from if it wasn’t from Katie herself?

There are some utter spastics out there who think Katie Price is a wonderful mum.  I’ve seen many a chav regard her as “an idol”.

An idol. 

Someone who gets their tits out for a living, had children to multiple dickhead fathers, been married or engaged to more men than Wayne Rooney’s had hot dinners is an idol?

She’s been up for Mum of the Year as well, probably even won it, if I could be arsed to check.  Which I can’t.

I despair.

Watch the clip, it’s piss funny, you’ll watch it over and over until you’re dribbling like Harvey himself.

But then have a think about how this has come about.


1 - Katie has told him to say it and it’s been rehearsed, which I wouldn’t be surprised at given that it’s free publicity, again.

2 – The C word is such a regular part of her vocabulary around her kids.  Again, this would hardly come as a surprise given she’s got a gob on her that would put a navvy to shame.

How would Harvey know what context to use the word in unless he’s heard it more times than anything else?

There’s a saying in the world of showbiz “Never work with children or animals”, this is true (especially in porn).

Maybe it should be extended to “…and vegetables”.

Though you can keep them in your porno’s actually.  I’ve seen things done to carrots and marrows that would embarrass Dirty Debbie.

You just know what will happen next - Fame hungry, nose hungry, chip pan headed former Atomic Kitten singer and Iceland queen, Kerry Katona will be taking her kids on “This Morning” where they’ll be effing and jeffing all over the shop.

Katie Price should be utterly ashamed of herself.  Taking her brain damaged, sweary child on live TV and expecting nothing bad to happen.

There’s no way a dribbling spaz like that should be on TV.

And as for Harvey….

Hello You Cunt

We're all going on a summer holiday

Gloria Hunniford has revealed details about her pal, Sir Cliff Richard which probably serves to do more harm than good.

Sir Clifford of Richardian has been the centre of new sexual abuse allegations, and Ms Hunniford has taken it upon herself to protect him and not say anything that could be, you know, incriminating.

In an article she claims he is "consumed by sexual assault" and 

The dirty bastard.

Meanwhile, she contradicts what we all think with regards to his "preferences" when she says:

cliff obsessed


Cameron feel the noise

So David Cameron is now feeling the heat once again from those who seek to find any reason to call for him to resign.

This time he was overheard telling the Queen that Nigeria and Afghanistan were "fantastically" corrupt.

So you want him sacked for telling the truth now?

With regards to Afghanistan why do you think nothing ever gets resolved in the country?  Where do you think the money goes?  To tribal elders and corrupt politicians.

And you think Nigeria is sound?  Course it is.

You voted him in, if he commits a crime and has to go he will do, but stop jumping on him for every thing that happens.

"Oh, David Cameron farted in public!  HE OUGHT TO RESIGN IMMEDIATELY!!!!"


Facebook Fuckwitts

Over in Facebook Fuckwitt Corner we have a new article about people thinking we're all being hacked.


And finally...

Changes have been put into place to divulge to the public the salaries of BBC staff who are earning more than £450K.

Really?  Why does this matter?

So what if Chris Evans, for example, earns £500,000 a year or that Steve Wight (in the afternoon) earns £80,000 a year?

I really don’t care, and neither should a painter and decorator from Solihull, a hotshot solicitor from London or a barista from Barnsley.

Do we really need to know what other people are earning?  What could we possibly do with knowing that information, apart from moaning that it’s too much and they’re not worth it?

Not that I think that way.  I don’t care what anyone at the BBC is earning as long as it’s deemed as value for money and they’re the right person for the job.

Salaries have to be budgeted in any organisation, and the BBC is no different here.

It seems that we’re going down a very dangerous road here where soon more and more people are going to have to publicly disclose their salaries or tax returns for no reason other than the fact that people are envious and nosey bastards.

Let’s just make up an example of DJ Matt Emulsion.

He works for the BBC and presents a radio show on a Saturday morning between 9 and 12, he earns £100,000 a year from the BBC.

Christ!  He only works 3 hours a week and he’s earning all that”, I hear you cry.

Yes, but he’s not pitching up at the studio at 8:55, sitting down with a brew, playing some records and leaving work at 12:05.

Chances are, he’ll have been at the “office” around 6 or 7 at the very latest, getting everything ready.  He’ll have been working on the material for the show all week as well.

He’ll have been in Production meetings, running through scripts, playlists and such like.

There will no doubt be a debrief after the show as well.

When he goes home he’ll start working again for the following weeks show.

And let’s not forget that he’s been asked to attend a do on Tuesday night where he’s presenting an award for the “Shittest newcomer to music” to some flash-in-the-pan vapid teenager who really can’t sing.  That’s all included in his £100k a year salary.

And the advert shown on BBC1 on a Friday night between shows which serves to advertise his show the following day, he’s had to go and make that advert… and he’s not paid any extra.

Let’s get this clear, BBC “presenters” are contracted not just salaried and their contracts agree to pay them x amount of pounds per year for x number of years and the contractor is obliged to carry out the work that is requested. 

Some of the more highly paid presenters have to work on multiple shows, they're never off TV or radio and it's all included in that one salary package.

Just because someone earns more than £450K a year doesn't mean they don't work hard for it and we've no reason really to complain about it.

Unless it's Bruce Forsythe, he can fuck off.


Only white people can be racist

It's true.  Check out this article about a black Oxford student  who racially abused and humiliated a white waitress at a restaurant.

Boasting on Facebook he said he had made the waitress "cry white tears" and would give her a tip when "fellow white people return South Africa's land back to its population".

Oxford University claim that he was exercising free speech.  Correct, he was.

As am I now.  However, I will absolutely guarantee you had that been a white student and a black waitress who was "crying black tears" the student would have been slung out immediately, publicly hunted down on Facebook and probably been sent to prison for a month.

Racism only works one way.

If white people say anything about other creeds, colours or race then it's disgusting racism.

If any other ethnicity says anything about white folk then it's just accepted.

Double standards, makes me really mad.


Facebook Fuckwitts

Over in Fuckwitt Corner we have 2 belters:

1 - Burn McMurray, Burn

2 - Poland Day. Disgusting

It's enough to make you weep.


Mo Brexit, Mo Problems

The David Cameron Brexit campaign continues to gather pace, with even more propaganda than in recent weeks, as I wrote about here.

But this whole referendum has got me thinking about this and politics as a whole.

In the case of this referendum we have a binary choice to make, or as I like to call it The Hokey Cokey choice - we’re either in or we’re out.

It’s like being given a choice of music to listen to – You can have The Spice Girls or you can have The Venga Boys.

Nobody in their right mind wants to listen to any of that shite, where’s the third option for silence?

This referendum is like that, stay in Europe or leave.

There should be a third option, an option to stay in Europe but to reform the whole paradigm.

There are Pros and Cons to staying in and leaving Europe but why should it have to be so black and white?

You can choose to die in a horrible fire or by drowning.  Thanks.  Where’s the option to die in my sleep?

If the referendum is going to spark change why can’t we choose a third, fourth, fifth option?

Does the general public know the consequences of voting to stay or go?  If there were more options then not only could that potentially be less damaging to the country but it could mean that things change for the better.

I believe if we had further options other a straight yes or no then more people would vote and they would vote for the most sensible option.

Those who are scared of or don’t understand the No vote will vote Yes, to blindly stay in Europe without question.

Those who are a little pissed off about being in Europe will vote No without understanding exactly what it might mean.

It’s all so risky.

This has got me thinking about the political voting system as a whole though.  

For example, take the general election, we’re given a bunch of candidates to vote for.  What if you don’t like any of the candidates?  You don’t bother to vote?  That’s just a massive waste.

Or you vote for whichever candidate you think is not as much of a dickhead than the rest.  Good choice, democracy.

So why can’t we have extra options that allows the voter to say, “Listen chief, I’m not overly chuffed with this set of nincompoops, I’ll vote for X on the condition that Y happens

Or “I think there should be a coalition between X and Y

Or “I’ll vote for X but as soon as it comes out he’s shagging his secretary / au-pair / sister I want a new general election

It might bring some accountability back to MP’s.  After all, they have a manifesto but if they don’t carry out any let alone all of their promises there is no consequence.

Politicians and their parties should come with some form of warranty or be made accountable to trading standards.

If you vote for a party and they fail there should be fines, imprisonment and being forced to go to a Jedward concert.


And finally...

Here's a new article about having a poo at work.


So, Junior Doctors again.

I’ve seen quite a bit of misleading “facts” online over the last couple of days of people in support of Junior Doctors.

If you read my last piece you might think I don’t fall in the same category, however, I support all professions whose working conditions are being negatively impacted providing the action is carried out in the correct manner and with actual facts.

Let’s just debunk some of the myths here:

1 – Jeremy Hunt is trying to cut Junior Doctors wages

Actually, Jeremy Hunt isn’t trying to do ANYTHING.  Jeremy Hunt is the Health Secretary and he’s carrying out the actions of the manifesto set out by the Conservatives when YOU voted them in.

It doesn’t matter who the Health Secretary is, this would still be happening and if Jeremy was to resign now his successor would STILL be carrying this out.

With regards to pay, the Government are actually RAISING Junior Doctors pay rate.


2 – Jeremy Hunt wants us to work longer hours

         Again, it’s not Jeremy, it’s the Government.

And actually, they don’t want you to work longer hours, they want you work LESS hours.

Junior Doctors will be limited to 72 hours a week, they believe they should be able to work 96 as is the current limit.

Maybe this is where they get the “pay cut” angle from.


3 – We’re expected to work 7 days

                No YOU’RE not.  The NHS is EXPECTED to cover hospitals for 7 days instead of 5.

                There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  People get sick and have accidents every day of the week, not just on weekdays.

                So you personally are not expected to work 7 days a week, but your shift patterns would include weekends.

                The capped working hours as set out in the previous point would not allow you work 7 days a week.


4 – We’re understaffed but Jeremy Hunt won’t sanction any more staff

                You are understaffed, correct; it’s a shit situation – nobody is arguing with that.

                However, I think you’ll find it’s the BMA who are blocking taking on more staff.


To sum up, the Government, through Jeremy Hunt are trying to extend hospital cover to 7 days, cutting the number of hours a Junior Doctor CAN work but increasing their pay rate to make up for the loss of potential hours.

How can that not be right?

Who in their right mind wants to extend their working week from 72 hours to 96?  And should doctors, not just juniors be able to?  I’d rather be treated by someone who’s had a good 8 hours sleep the previous night than 8 hours sleep in the previous week.

This shows a level of greed.  Even if the junior doctors were on minimum wage of £7.20 an hour, which they’re not, 72 hours at that rate would be almost £520 a week.

Which comes out about £25K a year, give or take.  That is still above the national average.

The actual figures can be seen from the BMA site here:


Personally, I believe doctors, nurses and the armed forces should all be better paid but that’s a story for a different day.

Yes, the NHS is in a mess, yes Jeremy Hunt might be a bit of a wand but this isn’t his doing, it’s driven by manifest as I said earlier.

If you didn’t want the Tories in you should have voted for someone else, if you even bothered to take your arse to the voting station in the first place.

This, my friends, is the price of apathy. 


Britain's Got New Judges

So it turns out Britain's Got Talent will have a new controversial judge for the next series


Let's get ready to Crumble.

When did boxers become so fucking stupid?

Admittedly I’ve not been a boxing fan since the 80’s. 

Watching the likes of Barry McGuigan and Sugar Ray Leonard, not forgetting Mike Tyson beating a hapless, pre-meltdown Frank “Know what I mean, ‘arry” Bruno was as good as it got.

There was no shit taking before a fight, Saturday night came, you got your arse sat down with a glass of Tizer and you watched the fight.

These days it seems there’s more action in the pre-match weigh in and interviews than there is in the matches themselves.

Case in point is the very odd behaviour of Tyson “The Caravan” Fury, a man who basically seems to lack common sense, tolerance or social skills.

He’s like an autistic Karnov.

But he does have millions of pounds in the bank so that’s alright.

His recent weigh in saw him pitch up 4 stone overweight, talking about how he hates boxing and he’s going to get beaten by his opponent, Vladimir Klitschko.

It’s clearly all mind games, trying to lure Klitschko into a false sense of security, and I’m sure he’s not so dumb that he doesn’t know this.

If your chosen career is to fight another bloke then just get on with it and pack in all the pre-match slanging and willy waving.

If it does have to be a necessary part of pre-match build up then at least make it a bit more amusing than “I’m going to punch his head in”.

Here’s some you can use, all royalties to be paid to the "Michael Watson Ring Sting Foundation":

By the time I’m done with him, he’ll be in a coma

The aim of the game is to turn this sucker into a drooling vegetable

I’m going to hit him so hard he’ll be on the Variety Club Sunshine bus in weeks

I’ma hit this fool so hard he’ll look and think like he’s Harvey Price

You’re welcome.


TV and Film cliches

Here's some shit things I hate about TV and films.


And Finally...

Yes siree, Bob.  We got ourselves a new Facebook Fuckwitt in Facebook Fuckwitt Corner.

See y'all next time.