Ah, Easter.

The time when the number of cups in the house doubles, until we realise they're shit and fob them off with people at work.

Or use them for other things like topping up the iron or throwing at shithead kids in the street.

Never understood why easter eggs have to come with a bloody cup or mug.

What kind of kid gets half way through a chocolate egg and then pipes up, "By jove, Pater, I'll tell thee what, I'm ruddy well parched I am.  I think I'll use this magnificent Cadburys Creme Egg beverage vessel and go and make myself a steaming cup of coffee, what what."

And the cups ARE shit, as I alluded to earlier.  They are rarely white inside, and any fule know you can't make a decent brew from a cup with a coloured inside.

And another thing I've never understood about easter is the way that Hot Cross Buns affect inflation massively.

Sometimes you get 1 for a penny, sometimes you get 2, it's enough to batter George Osborne's head.

See, even Jesus did BOGOFF's.


Nava No No No

A 6 year old Native American girl has been removed from a foster home in California.

Someone must have had reservations about it.


Facebook fuckery

I like Facebook, it's a great way to keep in touch with mates, but by Christ there's some fucking idiots on it.


how to be a complete bastardA new version of the Koran was available


Thunderbirds has went.

End of an era as the creator of Thunderbirds and voice of Lady Penelope Sylvia Anderson passes away.

Thunderbird 7Thunderbird 7 was a bit of a disappointment


There's been a vape!

While the rise in popularity of the E-cig and the gradual drop in people smoking traditional cigarettes is probably a good thing, it hasn’t yet been proved that E-cigs are any better for your health.

But I have noticed that people who smoke E-cigs are more likely to partake in a “Vape” where they wouldn’t smoke a cigarette.

For example, I’m sure smoking in bed has gotten safer, and there has to be people who vape while having a shit, right?

But it seems people are more of a slave to their E-cig than they were cigarettes.

You see people puffing on them like their life depends on it, taking far more “hits” than they would a ciggie and vaping more frequently.

It’s gotten to the point where it appears to be more addictive than cigarettes and people bring vaping in to their everyday activities as they can’t do without it.

Surely this can’t be a good thing?

The worst ones are those who vape whilst driving!  Really, can you not go without a hit until you get to your destination?  You’re only off down the road, wait till you get there!

I have always been against smoking whilst driving, even when I was a smoker it was something I did only on long journeys.  I find that smoking whilst driving on the motorway is a damn sight safer than driving on smaller roads, particularly rat-runs!

How can you get round corners properly with a fag in your hand?  Especially when you’re trying to take a selfie as well.

I just don’t understand why people can’t wait until they’re getting to where they’re going to get that vapey hit.  You wouldn’t have a piss whilst driving would you?

And some of these E-cigs are huge!  I saw a woman vaping whilst driving the other day with an E-cig that was so big I genuinely thought she was playing the recorder!


George Osborne PaddingtonGeorge Osborne loved his new Paddington gift set


And finally...

Following on from the last update where I talked about Compensation Culture I bring you a new article about Ambulance Chasers.


There has been a call to ban tackling in rugby matches at school due to claims that injuries may affect players later in life.

The ban has been called for under 18’s to play non-contact “Touch Rugby” instead.

Now, I’m no fan of egg chasing, in fact if I’m honest I have absolutely no idea what the fuck goes on in a rugby match but I can see that by players not being allowed to tackle and therefore not play the game properly will lead to a drop in the ability of the players and will affect the future of British clubs and the International teams alike.

Rugby, like Football and other sports played at school need to be taught properly at grassroots level. 

I’ve no problem with the school playing “touch rugby” for those who aren’t into the sport, it certainly needs to be played correctly or injuries can happen.  But what about those who take the sport a little more seriously?  Those who play for their school, shouldn’t they be playing it the correct way?

And what about those who play for teams outside of school, on a Sunday for example?  Some of these games have scouts in attendance, looking for future players for professional teams.

I fail to believe there are that many injuries occurring that there has to be a blanket ban on a crucial part of a sport.

This seems to me to be another example of people wanting to dumb down, the country is becoming soft.

Even though I’m not a rugby fan, I can still see that it a well followed and exciting sport; if tackling was taken away and all you had to do was touch an opponent to make them stop that would also take away the exciting moments where a player is tackled yet doesn’t fall to the floor and is able to continue play, possibly resulting in a Try.

What next?  Footballers not allowed to tackle?  All you have to do is get close to the player on the ball and shout “You there!  Stop!

Cricket balls only allowed to be thrown under arm?

Javelins to be replaced by straws?

Tennis to be banned altogether?  Now you come to mention it…

Sport in this country IS getting worse, money isn’t being invested as it should be – where are the next World Cup winners going to come from if they’re not coached properly from a young age?  Removing a fundamental part of a sport and expecting it to be taught later on in life (over 18, natch) could well be too late.

Touch Rugby… sounds like a game invented by a boy-hungry paedophile PE teacher from Eton, Mr Fred Rugby.


Giggs vs Mourinho


And finally...

Here's a rant about the bastards pushing us to claim for more compensation...


Sent your kid to school today for World Book Day dressed as a character out of a book?

You thought you had, now you’re not too sure.

Harry Potter?  Done to death.

Where’s Wally? Neat idea but everyone’s doing that now.

A Frozen character?  Yes that famous book, Frozen! 

You’re starting to waver aren’t you?

Gruffalo?  Not bad.

Willy Wonka? Meh.

Wimpy kid? That’s original, well done, but that’s going to get copied big time. (For once I’m not being sarcastic, seriously, good choice)

But have you considered that your kids are dressing as a character from a book that’s also a film? 

And it’s the film that’s influenced your choice, correct?

Has your child read all (or indeed ANY) of the Harry Potter books?  No?!

Oh, he’s not even old enough to watch the movies yet, so he knows who the character is but doesn't know why.

Classic, you might as well send him dressed as Hitler and say the book’s “Mein Kampf”.

So here at Monkey on Toast we’ve got some original outfits for next year, don’t say we’re not good to you!


Why not try:

Tom Gates from any of the Tom Gates books,

Any of the characters from the David Walliams books,

Bob the Ginger Cat,

Topsy and / or Tim (If you’ve Twins of each gender you’re onto a bloody winner there)

Roger Red Hat / Jennifer Yellow Hat / Billy Blue Hat

Dressing your kid as a Kindle? (Or a Nook eReader, I’ve a mate selling one cheap, £20)


And if you REALLY want to be original, dress your kid totally in white, write words all over them and say they’ve gone as a Dictionary.


My personal favourite, dress your kid up as the Prophet Mohammed from that well known book the Koran.  Kids love that shit.

Your kid might need to leave the school though, and possibly go into hiding.  How long do those Fatwa’s last now?

*Paging Salman Rushdie

So it turns out they are making a musical out of the 2005 Morecambe Bay Cockle Pickers tragedy.

A musical!

I hope they'll be using these classics on it...

In too deep by Genesis
Deep Deep Down by Hepburn
Underwater Love by Smoke City
Drowning by The Backstreet Boys
New From Monkey on Toast!
ouija board usbCome and buy the worlds first USB Ouija Board!
Using Plug n Play technology all you need to do is plug it into
 your PC, Mac or tablet and using our patented software you'll be conversing with 
 all sorts of spirits in no time!
Our software does all the work, all you do is ask the questions and watch the planchette move to the answers!
This is for ADULTS ONLY, you never know when you might summon up the spirit of Jimmy Savile!
Speaking of Nonces...
A high court judge has banned the use of the word Girlfriend!
Citroen C1 Advert
Have you heard the adverts on the radio for the Citroen C1? They centre around "teenagers" being embarrassed by their parents, specifically Dad as he picks them up from places as such as nightclubs, called "Winkers".
All innocent you might think, until it points out that if the kid was over the age of 18 then they could have their own vehicle, namely a Citroen C1.  It's clearly a special deal with road tax and 3 years insurance included but it gives the impression these kids are going out and getting pissed.
But it's OK, because if they had their own motor Dad wouldn't have to pick them up, they'd be able to drive themselves home from the club....  Pissed.
One of the ads says that one of the girls will "be crying, as usual".  I bet she fucking is, when she's gone through the bastard windscreen of your car.
Way to go, Citroen, what a daft bloody advert!
And finally...
We have a rant about commuting on trains by guest writer Matt!