Happy New Year everyone, hope you had a nice Christmas and 2019 brings you everything you want & need.

Christmas being the capitalist time of the year though did annoy me somewhat, imagine companies sending out e-mails on Christmas fucking Day with such delights as:

"Not get what you wanted this year? Try our Boxing Day sale now!"

Have a day off, for fucks sake.

And then we have those offended by the Queen's Speech.  Did I watch it?  No, I was too busy, I'm not interested anyway but minutes after it had finished people couldn't wait to get on social media (when they should be eating Christmas dinner or spending time with their families) to post such drivel as this:

queen gold piano

Where to start?  Again, have a day off from being offended eh?

But let's start....

Billionaire?  The Queen is a billionaire?  Is she fuck!  She's worth just over a quarter of that, which is still an awful lot of selfies (see what I did there?) but let's not let actual facts and figures get in the way of stoking up resentment eh?

Another Twitter mong started banging on about the solid gold piano behind her.

Yeah, it's solid fucking gold, you absolute weapon.  It's wooden like every other piano, with some gold paint on!  What the fuck are you talking about?

And naturally, everyone's banging on about the content of her speech, where she tries to unite Britain and saying we are all in this together. I believe this Brexit related.

But honestly, what is she supposed to say?  I'm no Royalist, far from it, but what the fuck are you talking about people? She's got to be diplomatic, like a politician and say the nice things even if she doesn't mean it.  

And to target her for her wealth, it's a tad unfair no?  I mean, she didn't ask to be born into royalty, she's dedicated her whole life to a job she might hate and not wanted to do.  Like I say, I'm no Royalist and I genuinely think there should be a cull in the number of Royals (I don't mean in a Purge kind of a way, just make it Queen/King and kids) to get rid of the hangers on but to blame the Queen for having money which will have been passed down from generations is a bit much.  It's Christmas, have a break.

New Year, New Rant

Diversity on TV


More shit TV to come?

Whilst watching some US TV channel the other day I saw an advert for a new show called "The Masked Singer".

"What the fuck is this?", I asked myself, in utter disbelief.

The premise of the show?  For a panel of arseholes to try and guess the "celebrity" singer who is dressed in a costume that conceals their identity.


It surely won't be long before it's on TV here.  

Be ready for a panel of tossers like that wet one off a dancing show, that wet one off X-Factor and some trans (he to she one week, she to he the next) try to guess the identity of the likes of David Van Day, Richard Fairbrass and Mark Morrison dressed head to toe like some twat on "It's a Knockout".

Will I be watching?  Not whilst I've still got a hole in my arse.


Comedy is a bit deader than it was last week

I saw a trailer for a Russell Howard show over Christmas.  Imagine my surprise when the advert featured him taking the piss out of who?

Donald Trump.

This is an award winning comedian whose act now consists solely in taking the piss out of Trump or Brexit.  Really difficult to do.

Worse than that though, word has reached Toast Towers of a new comedy club deemed as "Safe".

And by safe, what does it mean?  It means the content is politically correct only, has a parity on genders on the booking list (regardless of talent) and get this, you are guaranteed that the "comedian" will not take the piss out of anyone on the front row or anyone in the audience for that matter.

That is not comedy, that's a childrens show. 

If this if your kind of comedy then you're the arsehole who keeps Mrs Brown's Boy on the air.  Twat.


And finally...

Apparently yesterday was Fat Cat Friday

Until next time! 


Happy birthday to us, happy birthday to us, happy birthday dear Monkey on Toast, happy birthday to us!

Yes, it's our birthday.  Can you tell?

When I say birthday, I actually mean from the day we returned back in 2015.

How times flies eh?  So we're officially 3 now, but depending on how you view matters we're actually 18.  So we can legally get pissed and vote for Corbyn [Shut your hole, Ed].

Ban this sick filth

Phrases such as "Bringing home the bacon" could be banned soon according to an academic so as to avoid offending vegans.

Dr Hamzah of Swansea University believes phrases that involve animals and meat will fizzle out.  Not quite sure how the Mirror has managed to use the word "banned" in the article when the only way it can be banned is with legislation.  So, it looks like Dr Hamza (who appears to be the result of a mating session between a monkey and Mary from Gogglebox) plus animal activists (and all round snowflakes) PETA want phrases to no longer contain any animal or meat references.

What phrases are at stake? (Or is that steak?)

"Bringing home the bacon", "killing 2 birds with 1 stone", "take the bull by the horns" and "fuck me, she's a right swamp donkey".

Instead we're being encouraged to use alternatives that don't even make sense.  For example. instead of saying "Hold your horses" we're to say "Hold the phone".

What?   Bring home the bagels?  That's no good, people with wheat intolerance will be fucked right over.

It's a bit of a shit article if I'm honest and Dr Hamzah is clearly as a mad as a box of fro... oh, er matches.



Brexit is a shambles.



There's just 4 shopping days left...

 Until I start lying.


And finally...

Fake Adverts are really annoying!

Until next time chums! 

Welcome to the Christmas Special!

First up, here's a tale about Offensive Christmas Songs.


Rag Watch

You're a bum, you're a punk, you're an Old Slut on Drunk.


Metro Corner

The Metro has outdone itself recently with this absolute corker:

metro santa

Not only has Faima gone full Metro, she's gone full Guardian.

And there's only 2 things in life you should never go FULL on:

  1. Retard
  2. Guardian

I mean, what the hell is she talking about?  Is it wrong to only hire men to play a role of a MAN?  She's proper clutching there, you can smell the desperation a mile off!

Santa Claus is based on a real life person, Saint Nicholas.  It's fair to say that Nicholas was most definitely a man.

So, why would anyone ever want women to play the role of Santa in the first place?  It's just fucked up feminism right there.

So, basically what we're saying is that a woman playing the role of a man is equality, whereas you stick Bradley Walsh in the role of Anne Frank and it's sexist.

What's odd is that after a tiny bit of research I can see that Faima is about as likely to celebrate Christmas as Angie Watts so why the fuck does she care about a fat man in a suit?  Fuck off and take your desperate click-bait back to Knobheadsville.

And finally...

Radical lefty fun police want to change Christmas Cards.

Shops such as supermarkets began charging 5p for plastic bags over 3 years ago now and it seems some people still haven't got used to it!

Time and again you see people turn at up Asda et al and end up buying bags.  Now, they don't bother to buy the 5p ones, no, instead they plump for the 10p ones, because they'll use it again.


Wrong!  Because that bag goes in a bag containing many other bags under the sink.  Never to be used again.

How difficult is it to just remember to take some bags when you  go shopping?  It's really not rocket science is it?

What tickles me more though are the people who refuse to pay the 5p.  I've seen ladies come out of the supermarket with a big box of Tampax (other brands are available) on show to the world.  But the best ones are those who won't pay the 5p in the off licence.

Dude, you've just spent £25 on beer and vodka and you're juggling it like some performer at Chipperfield's all because you won't pay 5 damn pence!  I hope you drop your shit all over the floor you tight get.


Let's stop bullying, but only some of them

So, this Syrian kid who was filmed being bullied and smacked etc by a kid at school.  Horrendous, of course but a little one sided, no?

See, I read this version of the story and just find it a little bizarre.

Let's get this straight, I do not condone this lad doing what he did, he deserves everything that happens to him and probably a whole lot more, what's annoyed me more are two things:

  1. The press - Claiming this kid was waterboarded!  Fucks sake, do they even know what waterboarding is?  Pouring a bit of Evian on someones face is NOT waterboarding.
  2. The outrage aimed the bully who did it

Let's expand number 2 as this is the crux of my issue with it:

Putting a lads name and address on Facebook & Twitter then subjecting him to abuse is er.. BULLYING! You dicks!  It's not much different to what he's done, but without being thrown roughly to the floor and having bottled water poured on him.  

We've all seen the clip, we don't actually know the full story about what's happened.  For all we know the Syrian lad could have been as much of an arsehole but because someone has shared part of a video on social media it makes everybody judge and executioner.

There's so much in the story making the lad to be a victim, there's even claims the bully broke the Syrian lads arm.  His arm is already is a sling in the video you idiots, it didn't happen in this incident and it's been made clear it was not broken by the alleged bully.

The outrage that has accompanied this is just so typical of Brits these days, there seems to be a sheer desperation to virtue signal, to "be ashamed to be British".  Why?  It wasn't you doing this you tart.

Crime has always existed in this country, it's not a new thing, so being ashamed to be British is just so stupid.

And then then there's the money raised for them.  Brits love a "Go Fund Me", they've raised in excess of £130K for him, but why?  Is the victim of bullying compensated in every case?

I didn't see any money being raised for that poor lass who was gang raped by 4 Afghan asylum seekers.  Nobody gave a shit then, so is it only one way?  Like a guilt thing?

It's just ridiculous!

So the general feeling is this:  If someone is bullied or harmed and they're not British and they are harmed by a Brit, it's fucking outrageous and we should start a Go Fund Me for them.

If someone is bullied or harmed and they're British then it's a shame.  If it's done by a foreigner well, they don't know any better see.  It'll be alright.


Gogglebox Destroys...

Yeah, course they did.  This pair of thick as mince tarts from Leeds know nowt about nowt. Have you seen them on Gogglebox for the last 2 or 3 series?  They're proper whoppers, especially the fat one on the right.  Right dickhead.  Just repeats what her equally retarted sister with the awful skin condition says.

The only thing fatty destroys is a six pack of Greggs doughnuts and her sofa everytime she sits down.


And finally...

Men are the devil and sexist and racist


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