So, I ran a poll on Twitter:

The results are so 2018!

Any fool no it's Impulse FFS.


People change

Here's an article about looking back in social media to get people into trouble


Irony factor 5, Mr Checkov.


And finally...

This guy made me laugh on Twitter.  For a few reasons, which didn't include his inability to use an apostrophe or commas.  Or his inability to use different case.

Or his inability to spell "continue".

It was mainly the fact his Twitter name is "Despise the Tories", which bears no relation to any of his Tweets, and him seemingly fighting "Totally unfair regulations on ecigs".

Now, I'm not sure what "Totally unfair" regulations are out there, I'm pretty sure that people are free to Vape themselves to death.  There's pretty much no regulation on them.

But what really made me laugh is his belief that if he thinks a law is unjust then he is obliged to disobey it.

OK then, think we've found another snowflake who thinks they can do whatever they want!


Back soon, hopefully over the weekend!



I'm sure E-bay are doing it on purpose now!  Not content with boiling my piss with a shit advert and then following it up with another shit advert, well guess what... they've done another shit advert.

This time it's a man or woman singing "I need a dollar, dollar, a dollar is what I need".

No, a what you need is a fucking slap.  Now fuck off.


Brexit Mong

Meanwhile, on Twitter a mong who we shall call Wayne (for that is his name) entered a debate with someone on Brexit:

The man has a screw loose!  He genuinely thinks Britain is not going to leave the EU.  It is, absolutely, whether you agree or not it is happening.

"We will bring"..  Who is we?  The man thinks that someone is going to bring a load of immigrants in just to piss those people off who voted for Brexit.  And what of those who voted for Brexit that aren't scared of hijab wearing Muslims?  Then what?  Is he thinking of people trafficking?  Oh goodie, then let's get him prosecuted.

"We will quadruple", again who's we?  He thinks there's a secret army or organisation that is going to target people who voted for Brexit and increase their council tax.  Hmm OK, and tell me, Wayne, how are you planning on identifying these people?

Absolute prat.

This is the "kinder, gentler politics" that we're told the Left under Corbyn would give us.  If people like Wayne are involved then no thanks, because this sounds more like the overtones of fascism that blind supporters of Corbyn try to direct towards Tories, regardless of their stance.

Wayne goes on to say, the Left are always right and the Right are always wrong.

What a stupid thing to say.  How can anyone agree with this?  In the same way you can't honestly say the Right are always right and the Left are always wrong.

So, if the Left decide everyone called Wayne should be shot and the Right say everyone called Wayne should receive £50 for free, he's going to accept death?

What an utterly deluded man.  And look at #4, he's there again saying we're not leaving the EU like it's his call.  He's just some tit, he's a nobody, what the fuck does he know?

The Left become more childish by the day.  Soon they will be sticking their fingers in their ears, saying "La la la, I can't hear you and if I can't hear you then there is no such thing as Brexit".

Fucks sake.


Dear Feminazi's, it might have escaped your notice but we DO pay for razors.  And we pay for a fucking fortune for them.

On what planet have you been living where you think we get them for nothing?



Over in Satire Corner...

Get your cat's permission to stroke it


And finally...

A rant about the TV show, Hunted.



What's the colour of money passports?

Over the Christmas period it emerged that post Brexit British passports won't be the maroon ones we have now, they'll be blue instead.

Cue a load of hysterical gimps whining and crying like the babies they are.

It's a passport, it gets you out of the UK and into other countries, the same as your maroon one.

"Airports will know I'm a Brit by the colour of it", claimed one idiot on Twitter, like it really matters!  I'm sure the airport staff will have already guessed your nationality by the fact you're steaming drunk at 8 o clock in the morning.

And do you really think Brits will be singled out because they have a different colour passport?  No, they won't.

And if they are, great, you can scream racism, you lefty bell end.


Train Mail

Here's a short rant about VirginTrains and the Mail.


And finally...

I'm the coolest monkey in the jungle


Happy New Year!

Hope you all had a great Christmas, back to the grindstone now though!

When I was out walking the dog around Christmas time I noticed (being the nosey bastard that I am) that there seemed to be more houses than ever that didn't have decorations up.

This has to be 1 of 2 things:

  1. People can't be arsed with it anymore
  2. There's more Asians moved to the area


Anyway, remember the update from 3rd December where I said there's a house that seems to celebrate everything?  Well, I was out walking the dog on Boxing Day and they'd taken their decorations down that day!  I mean, why would you bother?  

I've heard people moaning on the radio saying they took their decorations down on the 26th or 27th!  Here's an idea, how about not putting your decorations up in fucking August then you might not be sick of them by Boxing Day.


Speaking of Christmas

As we all know, 2017 was the year of the snowflake.  Those offended by everything, whether it sounds logical or not.

Well it seems it's taken 33 years for someone to finally be offended by Band Aid's "Do they know it's Christmas?"

I don't mean offended as in, "God this is shit", because that was me in 1984.  I mean, properly offended!

Now, don't get me wrong, I hate the record as much as I hate the scruffy bastard that is Bob Geldof, but the record was clearly put together at short notice to try and help those in the famines of Ethiopia.

When the scruffy, tax avoiding, hoofwanking pisstrowel and his perma-sunglasses wearing jizzwhisk mate, Bono put the project together they weren't trying to offend people, they were trying to do some good.  Thirty three years on it seems a bit trite, what with all the virtue signalling going on from the pair of them over the years (despite paying as little tax as can be) but imagine being offended at a song 33 years after it came out!

The sticking point seems to appear that someone has decided it's racist and totally incorrect.

Racist?  No.

Incorrect, yes in some respects.  I'd say it's more inaccurate than anything.

I'd say it's probably correct to say that lines like:

"There won't be snow in Ethiopia this Christmas time..." and "Feed Ethiopia... let them know..."

aren't quite as catchy.  So yes, it does generalize and suggest Africa = Ethiopia.

But when you hear the song, it is synonymous with Ethiopia, the news reports, the kid with the fucking fat belly and you shouting at the TV, "Wipe that fucking fly off your face you cunt!"


"Where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow"

Except for like, you know - The Nile.

Or the Congo.

Which incidentally, is full of Um-Bongo.

I shit you not.

So anyway, back to the point, I'm sure there's more shit to be offended about than a song that you have probably heard countless times in your life but as being offended is the new black (I thought Leroy was the new black? Ed) then you thought, "Fuck it!  I'm in my 40's, I've been hearing this song for decades, but you know what!  It really sticks in my craw and by jove I'm going to be bally well fucked off about it".


More Christmas Shenanigans

Before Christmas there were loads of "Christmas is ruined" articles in the papers, mostly done to death now though.

Then I saw this one, which the Daily Fail ran:

A Mother was told by Norwich Council to take this Christmas Tree down from her Stillborn son's grave.

It does look a bit tacky no? It's a 6 foot tree for crying out loud.

The story says the mother goes to visit her stillborn son on a regular basis and usually decorates his grave at different times of year.

Now, I'm not mocking the baby, I've known people who have suffered stillbirths and miscarriages.  I might be a cunt but give me some credit.

The story goes on to say that the mother has a daughter who goes with her to visit.

But this is where is gets a bit weird for me:

The boy, Oskar was stillborn in 2010.

She has a 4 year old daughter called Ola.

She goes on to say, "Ola loves Oskar"

How can she? Really?  She wasn't even born when Oskar was stillborn!  You can't love something you have never seen or known.

She might as well pat one of those charity dogs outside of the shops and say that was their old dog.

I wonder if she's told these lot are her brothers and sisters too?

(The one in the middle is a boy, right?)


More Ebay crap

If you thought, like I, that the Christmas Ebay radio adverts were Bad AIDS then the new adverts are an AIDS Omelette.  

If you haven't heard them yet, there's 2 - one for each gender (because there are only 2 you know) where the protagonist starts singing Kelly Clarkson's "Since you've been gone" however the word "gone" is replaced with "sold".

So it goes something like this:

Since you've been sold, doo der doo, I can breathe for the first time....

It's clearly aimed at the item that's been sold, but it's so annoying!  It's obviously meant to sound all amateurish, and I'm not sure what it is about the advert that boils my piss, it just does.

It seems Ebay are my current Advert Nemesis.  Damn them, and their returns policy.


And finally...

Facebook Fuckwitts on Phil Collins

Until next time, my Pedigree Chums.

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